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@bizwitch:

@Coral: Also, you were 19! This friend was 29...

@Coral: I'm not sure on the spotting... I often have spotting in the luteal phase but not pre-o. Bodies can be so weird.

@bizwitch: Sorry you are feeling sick. I hope it is in service of a !

I haven't had much to say TTC wise this month. I'm feeling pretty discouraged and then I feel bad because many of you ladies have gone through a lot more than me on the TTC front. I did get a positive opk the other day and we have had good timing this month so that's all we can do.

But we did celebrate DH's bday today with the ILs and he loved the Rubik's cube cake I made him.

@madisonbee: thank you! It started to slide a bit before we could eat it, but it was still good!

@jhd: I love it So creative! My husband's birthday is in a few weeks, and you guys are inspiring me to do something beyond just making a reservation at a restaurant How did you make that?

Also, you never have to feel bad about being discouraged. There are always people who have gone through much more, but that doesn't make the process any easier. I think because it is so out of our control, it's easy to feel pretty helpless...I wish so much we could all have our soon

I had to work today and really, really wanted to go out and do something fun tonight (really crazy few weeks at work), but my husband has been napping since I got home from work three hours ago. I know he needs it, but ugh...

@periwinklebee: Pinterest!! I saw a pic and then found a lady who made a little tutorial. I didn't really follow it so maybe that's why my layers came apart! Ha! But she gave me the idea to use a silicone mold to make the little rectangles of different colors of cake. And I had to go to three different stores to find food coloring yesterday because apparently slime is the big thing with kids and stores are sold out of elmers glue and food coloring!

@jhd: that's an amazing cake! Happy birthday to your DH!

CD 14 here. Hopefully gearing up to O in the next day or two. Having some twinges but no other obvious signs. I'm not using any OPKs this month so we'll see what happens. I've been lucky to get pregnant quickly but I'm technically AMA now, so that might change things this time. Who knows.

@bushelandapeck: goodluck to you this month!

@winniebee: I took one and it was negative. I am Just a little confused by CD 10 bleeding and the lightest OPK ever

@bizwitch: Ditto, I've been looking for an update from you today!

@knittylady: I have been up for hours... I'm in mountain time zone and have been awake since 345 although my first child up didn't wake till 445

@shellio @knittylady: Last night I was able to go out with friends after drinking some ginger tea. I had a couple of drinks and stupidly allowed myself to imagine they might be my last drinks for the next 9 months. Went to bed and AF still hadn't come. Woke up and didn't feel any cramps. Went to POAS and when I wiped I saw pink blood. I'd already dipped the stick at that point and of course it was a BFN.

I told my husband and then immediately started crying. I'm so frustrated. We are on to cycle 24 now. It's so frustrating. And I don't know what's wrong with my body. I don't know why we can't get pregnant, and the doctor doesn't know either.

My mom died when I was a baby, so I never got to experience the mother-child bond as a kid. My dad remarried when I was 2, and they had two more kids. I always saw how my sisters' relationship with my (step) mom was different than mine. They seemed to enjoy a physical closeness that I never experienced. I kind of had an inkling about what it was like - because I wanted that closeness with my dad, instinctively - but I never really craved it with my (step) mom. (I keep putting step in parentheses because she's the only mom I've ever known.) They also just seemed to understand each other in a way that I envied. My (step) mom and I always butted heads and were very different. I was jealous that my sisters had a fuller understanding of who they were and where they came from, how they got to be the people that they were. I'm the only weirdo in my family, basically. I know that my biological mom was kind of a creative weirdo type too, so my assumption is that I somehow got it from her.

I've always envied people who know their biological mothers and are able to go to them for support - which I know is certainly not everyone who grew up with their biological mother, I have no illusions about that. But I don't go to my (step) mom for support. In my memory, I was almost always in trouble as a child. Not because I misbehaved really, or because she was a bad mom, but I think because she was overworked and stressed out and not really prepared to raise four children and I'm certain my dad didn't help out as much as he should have. But to this day, I get nervous to call or see her. Even though I'm 34 I always assume I am about to be in trouble for something, or that I will be judged for something, because my experience growing up is that no one really understood me or tried to understand me. And that nothing I could do was ever really good enough to keep me out of trouble. My sisters, though they got yelled at almost as much as I did, do not have that memory of their childhood. They've latched on to the wonderful parts, while I've apparently latched on to the negative parts, and I always wonder if that maternal bond was the reason why. When we talk about it they'll just say "Oh, she's Italian, that's just how she is, she's a yeller." They can let it slide off their backs. Whereas for me, it equaled trauma that I still feel inside and deal with to this day.

All of that is to say that I'd always hoped having a child of my own and being able to experience the mother-child bond from the mother's perspective would go a long way toward healing the wounds I sustained as a child. So every month I don't get pregnant, it's another month delaying something I have been aching to feel since I myself was a child.

@bizwitch: I'm sorry

There's so many emotions with ttc. I understand your desire for a strong mother child bond and I so hope you end up pregnant very soon.

@bizwitch: We got you, sister. Sorry to hear about AF. I hope thread starters' luck sprinkles all kinds of good stuff on ya!

I'm sorry it was rough for you growing up without your biological mom. My mother and I had a great relationship up until I broke things off with my ex and started dating DH. She doesn't like him for shallow reasons (she's the only one!) and she has said some nasty things about him so our relationship is strained. I text her very bland "happy birthdays" and "happy mother's day." She sends me enthusiastic texts which irritates me because it makes me wonder if she's delusional about our relationship. She wasn't invited to our wedding and was not involved in any of that planning process. I told her we were TTC and would like to be able to talk about that stuff with her for support and she faked enthusiasm by saying "really?! that's great!" and followed by "You're gonna do whatever you want because you're selfish and only think about yourself (meaning my happiness, not hers--this has been a repetitive thing for her to say)." So, suffice to say, I haven't shared anything to her about TTC. Everyone says she'll come around when we have a baby. A part of me wants that to happen. But I crave having a baby and raising a child so that I can have that mother-child bond that I used to have with mine and so that I can support him or her regardless of their choices as long as they're healthy and happy (like my dad has done--and we're closer than ever). So as an adult and going through big milestones in my life without her has saddened me, especially when my BFF got married and her amazing mom was there every step of the way. Anyway, I rambled on! Sundays do that to me, I guess....

@bizwitch: Yeah, I hope that my relationship with my child when they're an adult won't be like ours. It can be maddening sometimes. People pity me when I tell them the story, but I've grown a thicker skin for my mother because of her insults and nasty words towards DH (oh, but never to his face). I knew DH never planned on having kids when we were dating, but obviously has changed his mind to make me happy. But when were TTC, I told him I don't want to have a child because he's doing it for me, I want him to want a baby too. He said the main reason he'd want a child is to right the wrong from his childhood also. His mom bailed when his parents divorced and only texts him on his birthdays (he doesn't respond and hasn't spoken to her in years). His dad wasn't around either up until we got engaged and their relationship has gotten way better. So DH said he wants to the chance to be involved in his kid's life and feel that father child bond he never felt.

@bizwitch: I'm sorry about the BFN. And I'm so sorry about the loss of your biological mom and the strained relationship with your (step)mom. I TOTALLY understand wanting to have that biological connection to your child and I dearly hope that you get to experience that desire. But I will say that good friends of mine have adopted three children from Korea (they are in the foster to adopt process for #4 ) and they have that physically close and affectionate relationship with their children. I honestly forget all the time that my friend didn't give birth to them and that the kids aren't biologically related. I think the difference between them and parents (biological or not) that are emotionally distant is that they desperately wanted these kids in their lives. Just like you do.
I'm so sorry for all this turmoil that you're experiencing and I agree that becoming a mother will be healing for you. But I think it would be equally healing to love a child who is not biologically related to you because it would almost be "rewriting" your history. The beautiful act of taking in and loving a child who you share no genetic material with. So many hugs for you. Whatever path you choose to take, I firmly believe you will be someone's mama.

@bizwitch: WHOA! That's intense. Sounds like a Lifetime movie....

I always have a hard time believing picture perfect families, mainly because I've known so many -- relatives and friends. They all had the skeletons in their closets come out one way or another down the road. Meanwhile, one of my BFFS and her hubby seem like they wanna kill each other half the time but actually have a wonderful and strong marriage (based on knowing who they are and how long we've all known each other).

I went ahead and started an April POAS thread too but I'll be here until we get through everyone's POAS date.

Here's the April thread: http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/april-2017-poas#post-2712581

@bizwitch: I'm really sorry work has also been really, really crazy for me lately and I also feel like I really need some downtime for healing...Hopefully soon. I hope that your deadline goes well.

I can't even imagine how you must feel hitting the two year mark I'm so sorry. Not to butt too much into your business, but are you guys open to doing IUI? If so do you think there's anyway you could accelerate the schedule to just go the full way with monitoring, clomid, and IUI if just the progesterone doesn't work? I just want to see you ku!

I grew up with my biological parents. We have a good relationship, but I am absolutely nothing like either of them. I'm pretty sure I just puzzle both of my parents. When I was a kid, people would actually sometimes assume that my dad was my step-dad because I look and act so little like him. I am however very much like my maternal grandmother. I wish I had had the opportunity to know her in adulthood...