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I feel your pain. I try to be the martyr & usually try to just go with the flow instead of creating conflict. In the past I've tried to just drop it or try to see the other side, but when it's all just too much, then I do get upset--usually with plenty of tears & DH & I both end up feeling bad. We just had one of these exchanges this morning because I have felt like DH doesn't help me very much with LO. By the end of our conversation, he said I do such a good job with her that he doesn't always know what needs to be done or what my routine is, so he doesn't often see what is needed & he's usually worried about other things (that I don't need to/don't know about for either work or home maintenance). To his credit, he changes plenty of diapers & will prep food for her, or do whatever I ask him to help with when I do ask, but I do all the motn wake ups (which have increased again this week for some reason) & nearly every morning wake up and would love to have him just know what needs to be done so that I don't feel like I'm nagging.

I don't have advice, but I commend you for getting counseling. We could likely benefit from some counseling, ourselves.

I have very strong opinions but am also really passive aggressive and hate conflict. My brain tends to shut down when I'm stressed so I forget to do things (or don't have the courage to). Like forgetting all my questions at the doctor's unless I write them down out rehearse them in my mind....

With DH all of our discussions about things used to involve a lot of tears and anxiety because I couldn't handle the conflict. That's gotten better over time.

Good job going to counseling! I hope helps you find your voice with your in-laws

@bluestriped bee: I'm slowly learning to stand up for myself and be my own advocate. DH is always telling me that even though they are the doctor I don't have to do everything they say!

I even agree to appointments that are really hard to make just because I don't like feeling like a nuisance. I'm learning not to do that anymore....

We had to do a lot of counseling for DH to learn to express things as he felt them rather than holding them in until he pretty much exploded. He had to learn it was better in the long run to just be upfront and honest. I can say though that since he's gotten better about it certain aspects of his life and certainly our relationship have improved by leaps and bounds. Plus, while I wouldn't say his relationship with his family has improved, per se, he's better at handling them and setting boundaries.

I think it's important to just keep practicing communication even if you feel like it'll cause conflict.

@bluestriped bee and @brownepiano: For your issue with talking to doctors, you are not alone! My sister works with cancer patients, and after each doctor visit, they have a social worker come in to the room and talk to the patients for this very reason. Every single time, the patients have a ton of questions and requests for the social worker, that they never mentioned to the doctor.

Both my husband and I are going through this right now, and we're definitely in a funk. It's like we feed off of each other's passive aggressiveness. It feels like we're both angry a lot.

If a counter opinion helps - my husband is exactly like you, so I've been trying to figure out for 13 years how to live and navigate life with someone who will literally hide in the corner if there's even a scent of conflict in the air. I'm on the opposite end - I charge toward conflict in order to resolve it ASAP, which isn't a good way to be either. What I've learned from all this on your issue in particular (I'm working hard on my fight-fight-fight model too LOL):

1) Avoiding conflict never makes it go away. Ever. In fact, it usually makes it worse. I have countless examples of this but to give you one, my husband paid for bus tickets for his parents to go visit his mom's family. He didn't tell me, because he didn't want me to get mad about him spending money outside our budget (he's a terrible spender so I keep tight reins on our finances). Of course, because I manage all our money, I found out anyway, and I was more pissed off about him not telling me then I was about the money. If he had said look, I know this isn't in our budget but I really want to help them out, everything would have been fine. But because he "avoided" the conflict and basically lied, it only escalated into a larger problem.

2) Conflict avoidance doesn't actually avoid anything, because even if it doesn't escalate, the resentment builds anyway and ends up being an issue. My husband doesn't ever tell me that I'm doing something that's bothering him. Instead he holds on to it, and then a few weeks later it'll blow up all over me about something innocent and unrelated to what is actually bothering him.

3) If you handle conflict properly, it actually leads to people respecting you more than they do when you try to be overly polite and non-confrontational. I have my fair share of flying off the handle, but when I stood up to my mother in law over her demands about hosting a baby shower for me (which I categorically didn't want for various reasons and my husband would never ever tell her that I didn't want it), it actually created a dynamic that she now asks for my opinion and feedback about family events and things that involve my daughter rather than assuming that we'll just along with whatever she planned.

I'm a pretty big introvert and I don't like to fight or rock the boat either, but I hate the way I feel if I sit on bad feelings, so for me it's easier to have that "crucial conversation" (which is actually a book that I highly recommend you read) rather than bottle things up. I consider myself pretty considerate and very open minded, so I'm very flexible and open to other ideas, but if something is bothering me, I really try to be open about it, because the outcome is always worse.

Someone made an analogy for me once that when you fight openly, it's like coming at someone with a knife. They see you, they know you have a knife, everyone is aware of what's happening. Passive aggressiveness is someone standing behind you, shoving a knife in your back, while telling you how wonderful everything is. I keep that in mind whenever something is bothering me, because I never want to be that second person.

Good luck, glad you're getting some help!

@Mrs. Carrot: We are the same as you two, so I really appreciate your advice!