DS 3.75 yo and I am admittedly new to the kid to kid conflict resolution game as this is the first time something like this has happened. So, we were at a park and a few kids who we don’t know were playing and my son asked to join in. They were playing ok and I was keeping my distance. I saw a slightly older boy push mine down and after he didn’t get up, I went over and he was crying. I picked him up and asked what happened when another little kid said “he pushed him down because he wanted him to cry.” I replied “that’s not cool. We need to be kind to each other, can you find a way to play all together?” And the kids all ran away and refused to let my son play anymore. My husband said I should’ve brought the “pusher” to his parents. I try not to intervene too much, unless someone gets hurt. I feel badly that my son got hurt and then excluded, though it’s part of life I guess. I feel so awkward in these situations! Anyway, how would you have handled it? Do I need to toughen up my mama bear heart?!
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It sounds like you handled it well. I would have done the same thing. I can't imagine bringing the "pusher" to his parents. What would you say?
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You handled it great.
What were the pusher's parents doing?
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@peaches1038: unless the “pusher” was significantly older, I would have done the same. It sucks but kids that age do experiment with being mean and exclusion just to see what will happen. My daughter is honestly just as likely to be the pusher as the one to get pushed.
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I would have done exactly as you did. I would have said it loud enough for the "pusher's" parent/care giver to hear.. were they there? did you know which parent or person he belonged to? But I would have def said something like, "well, that's not very nice to push someone over..... we shouldn't behave like that" Something to pointedly get my point across to the kid AND the parent/care giver.
And I would have directed my LO to play elsewhere/with others bc "who wants to play with mean bullies anyway!"
I also agree that it is part of life and it is awkward to be in that situation.
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Ditto to the others, I would have done and said the exact same things. I wouldn't have brought the pusher to his caregivers (if they were even there or if you could identify them) because that feels an awful lot like tattling on him, if that makes sense.
I am also a fan of comforting or teaching my LO loud enough that other kids (and/or their caregivers) can hear similar to @Ajsmommy: things like "Some people are still learning how to play nicely" or "It's ok, not everyone can share as well as you do". -
@lindseykaye: I think your wording is kind.
Overall though, ladies , this post kinda disheartens me. My kid is the pusher. If he pushes your kid and I don't see it; bring him to me and I'll deal with it. Don't make some snide or snarky loud remark about my kid, making me feel blamed for my son's choices and/or name-calling him, especially if he overhears (tell a kid he's a bully enough, guess what will happen? He'll take that on as a persona).
Label behaviors, don't label a kid. Please.
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@DesertDreams88: I was going to say this. Please don't shame the kids or the parents. That's not a way to change behavior. All of this behavior sounds developmentally normal.
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@hitchhiker: yeah I wasn’t sure what I would say. This is all developmental and I get that. I’m sure my kid will push or exclude or whatever too. I just wanted to make sure I handled it appropriately
@Pollywog: I didn’t see the parents and no one even seemed to notice me talking to the kids
@Madison43: totally. That’s how I feel too.
@Ajsmommy: I didn’t see the parents around. I admittedly was watching from a distance too, so maybe it wouldn’t have happened if I was closer.
@lindseykaye: yeah I wasn’t sure how to comfort my kid. Being excluded is something that really bothers me personally, but I don’t want to project that onto him unnecessarily!
@DesertDreams88: thanks for chiming in! Do you think the words I used were ok? I really wasn’t sure what I would say to the parent as I completely agree that it’s developmental! I usually try hard not to helicopter and let them work it out. If he had gotten up, I would’ve let them figure it out, but he was just laying there crying. I want to model effective communication and conflict resolution for my son, so that’s what I was going for. I really appreciate your insight!
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@DesertDreams88: But how do we know who the parent is in this situation? I get your point, and I really agree with labelling the behaviour and not the kid, but in terms of bringing the kid to the parent to let them handle it....I’m just not sure how.
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I don't think there's anything wrong with nicely saying "well, geesh, that wasn't cool". Kids need to hear that it's not ok to do things like that. I don't get that snippy "mom" tone, more of like a friendly admonition if something was done really aggressively (if the pusher was over 5 I'd say. Under 5 I'm not sure they really get it).
I'd also argue a kid who pushed like that, without his parents intervening, has parents who don't give a shit. -
@peaches1038: I laughed at this because AM is just like K and I’m just like you
What you did was perfect!
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@DesertDreams88: l totally agree. My kid is more likely to be the pusher than the one getting pushed and I would be so sad if parents started loudly labeling her a bully or mean. She ABSOLUTELY would know what they mean (she's 3.5) and would take it to heart. We already struggle with shame and a negative self image (she'll say I'm bad, I'm mean) and the more she believes she's good the better her behavior is. I might say something like what the OP said, and might even go on to mention to my kid that maybe the pusher is having a hard time and needs some help from his parents. You never know what the background is, and generally, "hurt people hurt people."
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@wrkbrk: hahaha I thought maybe that would be the case!!
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@peaches1038: yeah, I think your wording was good and if I overheard that, I'd be encouraged.
@erinbaderin: yeah, I was saying if you DO know who the parent is or have a reasonable guess, I don't think it's outlandish or offensive to tell the parent (in a chill way.) I would want to know, bc I don't want my son to act that way without consequences.
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One time I was babysitting a friend's kids, girl age 5 and boy age 3. My son (3) was having conflict was the other 3 year old, and I was embarrassed and frustrated. The 5 year old girl stayed calm and gently reminded her brother "G is still learning how to share, sometimes it's hard." I was so touched by her compassion and thankful her mother had modeled that to her.
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@DesertDreams88: ok great! Thank you!
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I find it really not nice when parents say things loudly to their children that are often labeling and meant to be over heard so i "fix" it. It's really harmful for children to be labeled, and it eagly doesn't bring out the best in anyone. I try hard to address my child's feelings and help them move on without labeling the other kid. "Hey, bo what happened" and listening to my kids reply is often all it takes. Or sometimes I all if they want me to help them talk to the other child. I have a 4 year old who looks 6 and he gets labeled all the time because people expect more maturity from him.
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