Here is my problem... Even though I am a first time mom, I have a ton of friends that have kids have already given me hand me downs (even though I have not told anyone what I am having). Many of my friends and family want to know what I am having, but I really don't want/need any more clothes. I have thought about not revealing the gender until my baby shower to try to get people to buy the things on my registry that I really need vs clothing items, but it is upsetting people that I wont tell them ahead of time. Any suggestions?
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People will get you clothes regardless. Use the gender reveal as a game, kind of. Have people make guesses or something. I'm sure there's a registry activity you can build around it!
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People will buy clothes regardless. It's your choice whether or not to reveal prior to the shower. My guess is if you don't reveal, you will receive gender neutral clothing. People love buying baby clothes.
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@littlebug: lol, our first sentence is the same!
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@BandDmommy: It's the one and only guarantee in the baby world - people will buy you clothes. Whether you want them to or not!
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Clothes and blankets seem to swarm new mommies for some reason! Like others have said, people will buy regardless because baby clothes are just too darn cute. You can always let them know you've had generous friends/family that gifted you tons of clothes already and are excited not having to worry about clothes. Nice way to put it, but hoping they get the hint?
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I will say as a TGer I seemed to get a lot less clothes than my friends who knew what hey were having. I got maybe 1 or 2 gender neutral sleepers and the rest of my stuff was all gear
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@Charm54: I agree- I got lots of stuff off my registry and mostly practical gender neutral clothes- yellow and white sleepers and such. We were team green.
But.... I would be annoyed if I knew someone had already found out the sex and they just weren't telling people, especially if it was over gifts. It just doesn't sit right with me. I would still go to the shower and get a registry gift and everything but I admit I would be put off.
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I think it's a little off putting when people know the gender and won't share personally. But it's up to you. You can always return clothes for store credit or buy bigger sizes. You'll be buying new clothes every season for a long time!
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Do they know that you know?
Can you just tell them you haven't found out yet?
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Just for a different perspective: we shared that we were having a girl and still got largely practical registry items at our family shower. Several people got us registry items and then added something small, like a pack of onesies, bibs or hats, in pink or flowers, but we actually used them. Even though we got a ton of hand me downs too, it was nice to have some new things just for LO.
I also think it is worth remembering that people can get you whatever they please, registry or not, and are trying to help you celebrate baby!
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I say if you know the sex by then, you should tell people who are asking before the shower. Maybe their way of celebrating is to buy clothes?? I would be happy they are sharing in my joy and hope the host of the shower can politely share by word of mouth that you need/would really appecirate certain items, besides clothes.. And if you get a ton of clothes, so be it!
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I always think its silly when a pregnant person knows the gender or name and keeps it to themselves. So if you don't want to tell anyone the gender, maybe tell people that you don't know it yourself. Otherwise its a little lame to keep such a thing a secret since no one really cares that much and they really just want to be happy with you and celebrating anyways.
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People who really want to buy clothes are going to buy clothes, no matter what.
If you don't tell the gender, you'll get gender neutral clothes.
If you tell them, you may be more gender-specific items.
But I don't think those people who are inclined to buy tiny clothes are going to not buy them just because they don't know the gender. People just want to buy adorable little outfits!
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I think it's patronizing when someone knows the sex of the baby but won't tell, especially to influence gifts at the baby shower. Some peoople will buy you practical gender neutral gear, and some will never. You will get clothes from people no matter what, some will suit your taste and some won't whether they're gender neutral.
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I find this tactic to be really irritating. I don't like feeling like someone is forcing my hand in gift giving.
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I agree with PPs that it's irritating and patronizing when a parent knows what the sex is but won't tell. Gifts are not something to be controlled, but rather graciously accepted. If you want to try to control what people do, the best option is to not find out what sex at all.
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Tell people if you want or don't want to but not because you want certain gifts.
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I don't get people who get upset when the parents choose when/if to share the baby's gender. What makes anyone think they have a right to know, or to know at a particular time? Get over it!
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Add me to the boat who doesn't like the whole "I know the gender but won't tell you" thing (especial to influence gifts). It is one thing to be Team Green and not find out but knowing yet trying to force people's hand just feels wrong.
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If you choose to keep the sex quiet Babylist registry suggests adding notes to your registry items to increase the chances of people purchasing them. Basically explain why a humidifier will help the baby rest ensuring your rest too or how the play gym will be a super fun activity for your baby.
I'm with others that day no matter what people will buy your LO clothes. My MIL just shared an an adorable footed onesie she picked up that has bunny ears and a tail in cream, which will work for either sex. That's not what I would pick out, but you can't dictate gifts.
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My friend did this and it didn't bother me but it didn't help her get gear. She got lots of homemade items plus grey clothing. I actually felt bad because she was registered at target so there was only one gender neutral set of wash cloths which she got multiples of. Then she announced at the end of the shower with the cake and I thought man I would have just told because at least the clothes and stuff you got would have been cuter!
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We were team green and then the tech slipped up. We had our baby shower just a few weeks later so we decided not to announce until then. We got all necessities.
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We shared the gender early and got all of our neutral gear that we registered for, plus cute girl clothes. I agree with a previous poster that people are going to buy clothes regardless, at least if they know the gender you may have cuter (and a larger variety of styles) of clothing.
Also, I am one of those moms who likes to dress my girl in pink girly clothes. I bought neutral clothes before I knew the gender, and never wanted to dress her in any of it because I thought it made her look like a boy. I saved it all in case I have a boy in the future, but otherwise those neutral clothes were a waste for me.
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Thank you everyone for your thoughts. A few thoughts of my own based on those that have shared. First, to those that are "upset" about dictating gifts, isn't that basically what a registry does? I personally feel that for an event that has a registry, it is inconsiderate to NOT get what the person/couple has asked for. After all, they know what they need/want and to just go off and get something else just because you feel like it to me could be considered rude and inconsiderate. I am not holding back the baby's gender simply to dictate gifts, it is something I have always planned to do whenever the time came to have kids. Pardon me for not wanting clothing items that I do not need and asking for advice on how to steer people in the direction of the things that I do. I thought this site was supposed to be helpful, but outside of a few posters (like Torchwood) all I have found are people who are more into cutting down other peoples decisions because they are not the same as their own rather than being helpful.
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Uhhh, WTF, people?! It's no one's RIGHT to know what the sex of the baby is. It is entirely up to the parents to decide if/when they choose to share. It's not gift-grabby or dictatorial. Sometimes parents like to have something they can keep to themselves and be excited about without having to share it! People seem to think that pregnancy gives them an open window into the parents' (mom's in particular) personal lives and it just DOES NOT. I'd love to know how the parents knowing the gender/name of the baby and you not knowing actually affects your life. Get over it!!
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I'm sorry you are feeling that you are not supported here. It really is a good community. Once or twice I myself felt a little let down wrt the advice I was offered on here, especially when I was pregnant, feeling hormonal and sensitive to others' reactions. It also didn't help that I didn't feel able to fully articulate my thoughts at the time. Let's face it: pregnancy does a number on us! But through it all, and ever since, I have found the HB community to be warm and gracious, with ever-helpful advice and understanding. I hope this one thread does not turn you away.
That being said, I had my own frustrations with my baby registry. I had registered at 3 stores, both online and in-store, in order to make things easier for friends and family. The major items DH and I bought. After all of the research that I did in careful choosing each and every item, only two people bought from the registry! It really bothered me at the time, and I said so on HB. Not only that, but my MIL bought me a carrier that I hated, which I didn't feel I could return. We used it for a month, and then bought the one I'd wanted in the first place.
Having been there, my advice is this, accept that people will give whatever they want or are able. There is no expectation that people will shop from your registry. It's not rude or inconsiderate. They may have trouble with the technology or lack understanding of how it works, see something that they "know" you will love (and who knows, you might), or be unable to get to that particular store. In the end, you have two options: return the gift if it's a double or not suitable, or keep it. But always be thankful and gracious! They are giving out of love and affection for you and your baby. Lastly, it is completely up to you and your DH whether you share now, later or during the party. But human nature being what it is, people don't like to feel coerced in any way. So if you do wait until later, don't suggest to your guests that it was intentional iot influence gifts. You really have no influence, anyway! Good luck, and sorry for the novel.
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I would reveal the gender but not put any clothing items on your registry and spread the word around to your family/friends that you already have lots of clothes but that you really need other supplies. You will still get tons of clothes, but hopefully people will also purchase from your registry as well. I got way too many clothes (not just at the shower, but also at every holiday after LO was born), and after awhile I learned to just return most of it and get store credit to use later. Ultimately you have to remember that these things are gifts, and it's not really up to you to tell people what to give you. A registry is just a guide, and it really depends on your family and friends if they decide to follow it or not.
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I'll also add that while I was dismayed by all of the clothes I received instead of the practical items I'd registered for, it did mean that I didn't have to buy any clothes for the first 6 months. Babies go through a lot of clothes! And everything from my carefully chosen registry, I didn't end up buying or needing, anyway.
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I did have a boy and would expect a girl might be different, but I didn't receive much clothing at my three showers. I received a ton after he was born. We might have just been lucky but we got so much from our registries.
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We are a friendly site, and I hate that you aren't feel that, sometimes people's opinions differ from your own, it's easy to read it the wrong way, but I hope it's all done respectfully.
I do believe everyone has their own opinion on this topic (more specifically the registry aspect not the holding gender back.) I think a registry is a guide, people aren't rude by not following it, it's their right to buy whatever gift they want to give. That, in my opinion, is party of gift giving, if I find an adorable outfit I want to give it, that's my right but I'll be sure to throw in some diapers or something from registry to balance out the practicality of it.
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I find the advise on registries what do with extra gift items that I may not need helpful. The part I have not been so appreciative of is everyone who feels their need to post on how rude I am being by not revealing the gender. If I do not want to reveal the gender in advance that should be my choice and I should not be told what a horrible person I am by not telling the whole world. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to those that have offered helpful advice and your personal experiences. I feel those will be very helpful. And yes, regardless of what gift I get from people, I will be very happy and thankful that they are celebrating my families joy of adding a new member
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@dragonflystar: I'm sorry that you don't find people's advice and thoughts helpful. But you did ask people's thoughts on when you should reveal the gender. It sounds to me like you had your mind made up before you asked for opinions and then the majority of the opinions didn't align with your plan.
Clearly you can do what you want but you have to understand that not everyone will always agree with you. That will be the case with literally every choice you make as a parent (and heck - really all of life in general).
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I am confused. You asked for peoples' opinions on whether to reveal the sex before or during a shower. You put a poll in to that effect. People gave you their opinions as to whether they thought before or during was the right time and why.
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When I found out I was having a girl I specifically asked my mom/sisters to make the invite very gender neutral...I registered for very neutral stuff. I new if they new it was a girl I'd get nothing but pink frilly dresses!
When guests arrived at the shower it was pink pink and more pink...but they had already bought their gifts by then so I was safe!
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@Mrs.KMM: Yes I asked for opinions on what to do, but I feel people could give an opinion without calling me silly, irritating, patronizing, or lame (just to list a few of the words used). Many have said this is a supportive sight, but I don't find those words very supportive.
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I guess I'm silly, irritating, patronizing, and lame. We knew and told the gender to people when they ask, but we haven't told anyone the name we've chosen for either of our kids. I don't really understand why it's irritating to people that we aren't sharing...we have the right to change our mind and don't want to be locked into a name because we told someone. I also feel like if someone wants to know the gender, but keep it a secret, they're well within their right to do that. Isn't that what some gender reveal parties are all about?
My vote is to keep the gender a secret until the shower and make a game out of it. I think it would be fun!
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@dragonflystar: You asked for opinion on whether to reveal the sex before the shower or during it. People gave your their opinion. If their opinion is that it would be patronizing to reveal AT the shower as a way of influencing the types of gifts someone gets, then they have a right to that opinion. Since you haven't actually made a decision one way or the other, no one is calling YOU patronizing, just suggesting that you may come across that way to others if this is what you choose to do. Does that make sense?
@2PeasinaPod: I think there's a difference between revealing the sex of the baby and a name. The sex isn't (hopefully) going to change, once you know it! A name might! Plus people understand that new parents may not want unwanted opinions on their chosen name before the baby is born. I think choosing a name is a very personal decision. The sex of your baby isn't, since you probably have little to no choice in the matter.
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PPs have been labeling the *behavior* of withholding gender annoying/lame/etc, not the parents who actually do it. No one is calling *you* (@dragonflystar or @2PeasinaPod) a name.
Additionally, no one claimed that anyone has the RIGHT to know a baby's gender, only that people may feel miffed by the withholding. Of course, you are totally free to not care if your choices annoy others! You just probably shouldn't seek their opinions in that case.
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