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@periwinklebee: it's totally true. you won't forget what happened, but after you have that baby it feels meaningful . . . like this is the path I had to tread to get this wonderful thing. that fierce mama love is something else
part of what I'm really struggling with is the idea that my loss this year was all we might get this time around. it feels like fate wants it that way with all this bad timing. but even if that is how it goes, I'll grieve and focus on the miracles we have
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@bhbee:
I'm sorry - I really wouldn't want to end on a loss either. Would your husband be willing to take some time off TTC during the summer because of the schedule issues, but extend your deadline beyond September? So rooting for you...
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@periwinklebee: honestly, September is my deadline. he wouldn't want to try forever but hasn't put a date on it. it's the point where I think the realities take over and I can't justify it anymore. we live in TX and there's no way I want to be pregnant with #3 all summer in the heat, I can't imagine how I'd keep up with the other two. I don't want them too far apart (already it will be over 3 years) and there's a financial aspect since it affects me working or not. but mostly it's also that I just know there's only so much I can take. I can be happy with two, it will be an adjustment, but it's so far from a bad outcome.
I'm sure you didn't really need to know all that reasoning! but at any rate, I figure if we get two good timing months in there I'll feel like we gave it what we could. the biggest thing that might change my mind is my SIL giving birth right before my imposed deadline . . . but I still don't know how I'd deal with the things mentioned.
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@bhbee:
I hope the timing works well, and that you can find healing whatever the outcome. And that the rest of TTC doesn't suck too much (ughhh). Thinking of you and really hoping that this summer does the trick!
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@bhbee: it really sucks. Big hugs
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Why does baby fever have to be so strong?! And damn you Time Hop for showing me pictures of my tiny baby that make me want another one even more.
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@mrskansas: I feel ya. I am in the depressed "it's never going to happen" phase of my cycle and it's just ugh. Hugs
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How is everyone doing?
I'm on CD 11 and I feel so free. I know that probably sounds weird but not using OPKs or worrying about BDing is amazing. And there is no looming TWW! Seeing some of the tests on the POAS board just stresses me out and I'm glad I am not currently worrying about whether or not I'm pregnant or if the baby is going to stick.
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@mrskansas: after everything you've been through, you really deserve a mental and physical break from all of it. I'm so glad it feels freeing
@bhbee: I hope you're feeling a bit better now.
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@mrskansas: I'm glad you're feeling positive! If this next cycle doesn't work I'm hoping for that mental break in July/august.
@periwinklebee: af is due tomorrow ish and I think my hormones have finally settled. I hate having a long lp! I always wonder why I am doing this to myself and then the second the hormones calm down I'm back in.
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@bhbee:
I think we've all been there - swearing that we've had enough - but then somehow the next time the opportunity arises, back to TTC. I hope AF hurries up and that the timing works well for you next month.
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This roller coaster is exhausting.
Yesterday I was feeling really good and today I'm looking up therapists. -
@mrskansas: Hang in there
I think it's completely normal to feel this way, and that it's a good idea to find a therapist who you can talk about it with IRL... IF and loss can be such a lonely journey -
@mrskansas: hugs mama. Do what helps you make it through!
Oddly enough today I was happy to see no af! No way I'm pregnant it just means I may be more likely to have dh home by opk+ day. He'll be gone 3 full days this time which is better than 5 last time at least. He's already thrilled about his bd "appointments" directly on either side of his trip no matter how tired he is.
Guessing the witch arrives full force tomorrow as I've had cramps all day. Then I need to kick it into gear again on working out and eating right! I've been slacking this past week. Determined to find some positivity.
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@bhbee: I'm glad it's looking like the timing will work well this coming cycle! That was always my biggest worry too.
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There is a possibility we completely failed at preventing this cycle.
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@mrskansas: ugh, can you pretend it didn't happen unless AF is late, just for the sake of not having to go through the TWW?
Random, but, anybody else have loss related dreams? Or dreams that you're pregnant and learn something is wrong with baby? Can I just say that I hate them - I mean, obviously it's not anything in comparison to these things happening in real life, but dreams can be so realistic, I'll wake up and be in a funky mood for hours afterwards...
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@periwinklebee: I'm sorry about the dreams.
I have dreams that I'm pregnant but something isn't right. Did anyone else have much heavier periods after miscarriage? This is only my second since d&c but it's like early labor with the cramps and tmi, I can't keep up with the flow on the heaviest day. I think I need to switch to the menstrual cups (or whatever they're called?) but have no idea where to start. I tried once a few years ago and gave up because it hurt.
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@bhbee:
I made a post about menstrual cups awhile back and people had great responses that really helped me to find one that worked for me - http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/diva-cup-questionI love it and couldn't go back to tampons.
My post loss periods were heavy, but one was a CP, which may have contributed...
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@bhbee: I'm on CD3 and yesterday was bruuuutalll. I leaked through a tampon after 2 hours and the cramps were so bad. I sat on hot concrete yesterday afternoon while my boys were watching a construction site and it felt so soothing haha. Like my actual vag hurts. Sorry TMI.
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@periwinklebee: Yes. I had a dream several nights ago that I had a "miscarriage" at 20 weeks, and then received hospital paperwork with the words "fetal demise" on it. In the dream I sobbed and sobbed because I hadn't realized somehow that it constituted fetal demise instead of miscarriage - which is a word that I'm unfortunately comfortable and familiar with. I was bummed and in a mood for days,
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@knittylady: I'm sorry -
- the dreams are so vivid and really suck. And I hate the term "demise." I had a dream yesterday that we were getting genetic results testing back and they showed some sort of deletion syndrome. The doctor was describing all the horrible things it would cause and encouraging us to terminate. Bizarrely specific, and it put me in a funky mood all day. Also, I had horrible cervical cramps with one of my post loss cycles, which I had not experienced before. I figure it's somehow part of the healing, with everything slowly shifting back to where it's supposed to be.... I hope AF is over soon, and thinking of you this month
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@knittylady: I'm glad I'm not alone but ugh, sorry. I have been known to use my car's heated seats for that purpose! Today I've just accepted I need a tampon and a pad to keep up. I feel wiped out too.
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@knittylady: I'm sorry about the rough period. Mine was like that this past cycle.
@periwinklebee: I've had loss dreams while pregnant. With my MC in December that's how I knew something was wrong. I wasn't surprised when my numbers weren't rising like they should. I think sometimes our minds know things we don't but more often we dream of things we are afraid of. I'm sorry you're dealing with it though, it's scary.
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We suck at preventing... I told my husband to pull out and he didn't. Apparently it was "too late".
I'm CD 14 today and have no signs of ovulation though so I think we will be ok.
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I had a loss 5 weeks ago - blind sided me as I had no worrisome signs of it before I saw the doctor for the first u/s at 8 weeks. Waiting for AF now and totally confused by symptoms that would have made me think in the past I was pregnant. Very tender boobs, nausea nearly every day at some point, dreams of pregnancy, Etc. But I don't actually think I'm pregnant even though I'd be over the moon if I am. Figure I'll wait until 6 weeks and then see the doctor just to ensure nothing is wrong even though I did get several negative HPTs since the loss. I am thankful to read posts and know I'm not alone in this situation. Thanks so much!
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@MrsJBeeG: welcome and sorry you're in this club ... the wait for first af is so hard. I've heard anywhere from 4-8 weeks for most people. My first cycle after d&c was 6 weeks long. I felt a really strong shift in my body when I finally ovulated that cycle so it's possible your symptoms could be post ovulation, but of course if that's true pregnancy is possible too! Have you tested in the last couple days? Hoping it resolves soon one way or the other.
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@bhbee: I tested Wednesday and got a negative. But I don't know if i ovulated. I had some painful cramps a week ago Friday where I thought AF was coming - about 5 days after the last time DH and I dtd. AF never came and then this past week I've had serious heartburn and lighter nausea each day, sometimes a few times in a day with some heavier CM at times. I thought maybe I'd test again sometime later this coming week just to see. Had a natural loss and had pregnancy symptoms completely go away not long after I stopped bleeding so I was surprised when I started to feel symptoms like them again . I'm just trying to wait - don't think I'm pregnant but would like to get to my regular like clockwork cycles so we can try again as mentally both DH and I are ready.
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I haven't been keeping up with all of you as much as I'd like. It's not representative of my reading your stories though. Thinking about all of you often. DH has been working crazy shifts since March and is in nights until Saturday morning. Then we're off for two weeks! Just in time to O too!
I've been having ups and downs. Some moments I feel zen about knowing this won't happen on a timeline I construct etc., and other moments I feel on the verge of ugly crying at unpredictable moments.
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@knittylady: hugs, I'm there with you. I think I'm fine a lot of the time with it, until baby stuff gets brought up somehow whether explicit or subtle. I am still really struggling with the idea of the limited time frame. I remember that in the end, the timing I got felt as good or better that the timing I wanted with my others. It felt right. But having it just not work out ... I don't know how to process that. I know I'm not there yet but it's always in the back of my mind.
ETA: off for two weeks sounds awesome!!
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@knittylady: Enjoy the 2 weeks off!
I've been having a lot of ups and downs as well. I've been trying to keep my mind off TTC (so I haven't been on hellobee that much lately), but it's difficult. I made an appt with my OB for early July to discuss our situation and see if we can start some testing. We've been trying to conceive again since January and I'm getting so impatient.
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@PeaceLily: I feel you on being impatient. I hate waiting for anything and so TTC drives me crazy!
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I have been feeling pretty conflicted over the past few days.
We were not trying this cycle, but we had a misunderstanding on CD 14 and I (shockingly) ovulated on CD 17. The only other time I have ovulated that early is after my ectopic surgery and I got pregnant but it ended in a MC at 6.5 weeks.
So naturally I'm terrified of that happening again and also just questioning why I wasn't more adamant with my husband about being careful. I know the chances of pregnancy are low... I didn't even have much EWCM.. but of course my mind has been going there.
My anxiety has been through the roof to the point where I feel sick to my stomach and I have to go to bed really early to avoid having a meltdown. This is so unlike me and it's really frustrating that I seem to have no control over my emotions.
Sorry for the possible novel but I'm glad I could get that out. I have no one except my husband to talk to in real life and he doesn't really get it most of the time.
eta: it does feel amazing not to be on progesterone or blood thinners during a TWW. This is also the first time in three months that I haven't had a trigger shot so no squinting at sticks. that alone is a huge weight off my shoulders and I'm SO glad we stopped treatment. Obviously it wasn't working anyways.
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@mrskansas: hugs. I know it's going to be a long 2ww with that possibility. Prioritize that iud if af comes so that you can have a mental break!
Going to bed early is my line of defense too. Also helps me from stress eating!
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@bhbee: Yes to the stress eating! I just laid in bed and watched YouTube videos for at least an hour last night to distract me from raiding the kitchen.
Luckily we leave for vacation in 2 days so I know the TWW will be much easier at that point.
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@mrskansas:
I'm sorry. I agree, if AF comes and you still feel like a break, demand they get you in for the IUD. I hope that you have a wonderful vacation!
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@mrskansas: how you holding up? I'm so sorry you're still on the rollercoaster
How is everyone else still here? I'm feeling ok at the moment, waiting on my 3rd 2ww since the loss. I've put a lot of hope into this one and pretty sure I'll be crushed if it doesn't work out. (But terrified if it does.) We'll be apart most of the following month (though possibly together just prior to o) but I might have to just take a deliberate break and reassess this whole thing.
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@bhbee: my period showed up today so the limbo is over. I already knew it wasn't going to work but at least now it's 100% over.
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I did get a fully visible line on a test so at least I know I am not crazy and making up lines.
But I don't know if I will ever have a healthy pregnancy again after this many losses. It just doesn't seem attainable. I've had 1 ectopic, 2 miscarriages and 4 chemicals now in like 11 months. It's not just bad luck anymore and I don't know where to go from here. -
@bhbee:
This pregnancy happened on my third post-loss cycle. I hope three will be your lucky number - thinking of you @mrskansas: I'm really sorry
I don't think you should lose hope, though. There's so many women on here who got pregnant after a year or more of trying, with no apparent explanation for what was going wrong. I know the whole process absolutely sucks. Thinking of you
I have dreams that I'm pregnant but something isn't right. 
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