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@bhbee: @mrskansas: I'm so sorry for what you've both been going through.
When you get used to things not working out month after month it's easy to feel constantly defeated. I've really been struggling with this lately and my current health problems on top of ttc after loss has been a lot to handle. I told my husband last night that I would love to just give up and stop trying, but I know realistically I can't get myself to do that. I haven't seen or spoken to anyone in my husband's family since our loss and I think it's mainly because I feel like a failure and don't want to face them. I know it's not healthy to think this way, but I can't help it.
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@PeaceLily: I've been avoiding my SIL and brother too - she is due a few weeks before I should have been.
I am wishing so hard for you to get good news soon -
and I just got another $300 in bills from my D&C. more than three months after. what could go better with a failed cycle?
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Pretty sure I am out this cycle. Bfn still and I'm going to stop testing and wait it out.
I guess im glad we have a month off because I really need the mental break. And to decide if I want to try again for a couple more cycles or not. Part of me thinks, quit now on my own terms. Start focusing on being happy with what I have. Not that I'm unhappy now, but quieting that what if. I hate this roller coaster.
I think I'm going to pack up my sons baby things for my SIL. ive been putting it off hoping for my own news and a reason to keep them but now even if I did succeed later I'd have plenty of time to get them back. I know it will hurt but I think it will also have a cleansing property, acceptance.
Just rambling. I appreciate so much the support I've gotten here. I think I'm going to try to avoid hb mostly for the next month while I figure things out. I hope when I do come back to check in I find lots of hopeful news
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@bhbee: so much love to you. I ended up appreciating my forced break. I hope it's healing for you. Pm anytime and know we will be thinking of you.
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@bhbee: Thinking of you mama
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This weekend was bad for me. On Saturday I was just in a horrible mood but we had plans to go to a BBQ. Once we got in the car I just started crying and couldn’t stop. Thinking about being around so many people and knowing I would have to answer questions about having another baby was just too overwhelming. My husband got really annoyed and took me home and I spent like 7 hours by myself either crying or just feeling really depressed.
Sunday wasn’t much better and I snapped at my daughter too many times. In her 2 years of life I have never been as short with her as I was this past weekend. I feel so guilty but I just can’t pull myself out of this depression. I am not happy and I can fake it for a while but I think I’m at my breaking point.I don’t know what the answer is.. to either keep trying or just call it quits. I had a dream last night that I was super pregnant and trying to go into labor but the words “fetal demise” keep popping up. I feel like maybe I should just quit while I’m ahead and focus on all the great things I do have in my life.
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@bhbee: I'm sorry. A mental break from ttc sounds great and hopefully it helps you get some clarity on how you'd like to move forward. Thinking of you.
@mrskansas: I'm sorry you had a bad weekend. I've cried a lot these past few months and I hate that this is what my life has turned into. It kills me to see pregnant women and I've started hating all babies/young children that I come across. Have you thought about seeing a therapist to help you talk through everything? I found a therapist that I'd like to see months ago, but have been putting off making an appointment, though I really do think it's time I go see one.
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@PeaceLily: I do think it's time to go see a therapist and I was researching them this weekend. Like you, I hate that my life has turned into this and I can't get out of this funk. It's so unlike me and I'm just ready to feel normal again.
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Can I hang out with you guys here even though my losses were before DS? I just don't have it in me to really participate in the POAS board since I am already out this month.
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@Coral: Yes! I have a hard time with the POAS boards so I totally understand.
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@mrskansas: Thanks!
I feel a little bit silly being concerned after three failed cycles that something is not working as it should with me but I have never had a problem getting pregnant-- just staying pregnant.
If this goes on for six months, I am considering seeing a fertility specialist. What is the first step? Blood work? Clomid? I have no idea where to start.
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And so many hugs for everyone struggling.
I still feel the sting of my losses sometimes and it has totally changed the way I see TTC.
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@Coral: At my intake appointment with the RE they did blood work and an ultrasound. Treatment will depend on what they find with the labs & ultrasound but usually it doesn't take too long to get started with something.
ETA: Don't feel silly for feeling like something is off. I made an appointment with a RE after our first cycle for #2 ended in ectopic and the doctor actually asked me why I was even there. I just knew something was off and I'm glad I got established with the clinic when I did!
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Hi, i was just curious after your miscarriages were your cycles back to normal, or did it take a while to stabilize? This is my first cycle after my miss and im on CD9 and im trying to figure out if it's going to change my ovulation dates....
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@chypmunk: My cycles were really weird after each loss. But I have always had irregular cycles so I think that had something to do with it.
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@mrskansas: ok, thank you! im just trying to figure it out.... and i guess mentally prep myself to do this all over again, i just remember being so stressed the first time...
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@chypmunk: my first cycle was 40 days after my May loss - I had always been 28 days like a clock. I think ovulated that cycle around day 25-26. Once I got my AF - my next cycle (I'm in the middle of now) really seemed to get back on track as I think I ovulated on day 14 and am gearing towards a normal 28 day cycle. My hormones still seem a bit off - very sore boobs after ovulation. While I hope it's conception I wonder if it's just hormones sorting themselves out still. Hope that helps.
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@chypmunk: It is stressful! Especially after a loss. Try to be gentle to yourself and hopefully your body goes back to normal asap
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@MrsJBeeG: thank you, it does...
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@mrskansas: thank you, trying to put myself mentally back
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@mrskansas: Is there a specific time of the month that works best for your initial RE appt? My cycles are irregular so it's hard to pinpoint when I'll ovulate, when AF is due, etc.
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@PeaceLily: I'm not sure... the RE 's office didn't say anything about it when I called to schedule my initial appointment. I would definitely ask if it matters though.
My intake appt was at 10 DPO and the RE actually told me I was probably pregnant based on the ultrasound and I was. Crazy how he knew.
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@mrskansas: Wow, that's crazy that he knew you were pregnant. I'm on antibiotics for the next week and then I ovulate soon after so I was planning to make an appt for the week after I ovulate. I guess I'll just stick with that!
I finally heard back from my insurance and they told me they cover all diagnostic tests and IUIs so I'm feeling more motivated to go now.
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@PeaceLily: That's great about your insurance! That makes things easier for sure.
I think the week after you ovulate sounds like a good time. If they do an ultrasound they can look at your lining & that can usually tell quite a bit about how healthy your ovulation was.
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@mrskansas: Oh ok, good to know. Thanks!
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@PeaceLily: popping in to agree, post ovulation is good because they will almost definitely want to run CD3 labs and likely ultrasound too and you won't have to wait long for that. My experience is you will "waste" a cycle doing tests and having a follow-up appt and then possibly start treatment the next. best of luck!
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@bhbee: Thanks! Thankfully my husband is fully on board. I think both of us are just so sick of going through the same thing every month. I need to feel like I'm doing something to help myself. There's no way I could wait for December to start testing with my OB so this is really our only option now.
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@mrskansas: Thank You! This is super helpful.
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Alright, I'm clearly great at avoiding the boards.
I needed to tell someone though that I've officially lost my mind. I remembered taking 2 weeks of bc with the re to hold off my cycle and just decided I'm going to do the same thing when af arrives this weekend so that I'll skip the 3 weeks dh and I will be apart and be able to try again sooner vs waiting out my often 35 day cycle. A few days post cycle disappointment and I am already more interested in fitting in another cycle than getting a true break ... -
@bhbee: I would do the same thing. I would hate to miss a chance when that egg could be "the one".
I don't think you've lost your mind
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@mrskansas: haha ok good
I feel like it's the perfect time to try it because we won't be together so I won't care about spotting (which I did have pretty much the whole two weeks last time). My only concern is the timing of ovulation after. The first time with the re I was going on clomid after and doing iui. But I figure not much to lose.
Also, I seriously just wondered whether wondfos or frers would be on prime day <facepalm>
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@bhbee: I already checked & Wondfos are not....
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@mrskansas: I ordered some anyway
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@bhbee: me too haha. What's another $20?!
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@bhbee: You're not crazy - just doing a good job of TCOYF. I think all of us who've had to wait awhile for a good egg completely understand not wanting to miss a month
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@periwinklebee: that acronym gave me a chuckle. my fertility may be down but it's not out yet! Or something
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Have any of you ever used the Clearblue fertility monitor?
Is it worth the money? -
@bhbee: I'm clearly the one that has lost my mind in TTC acronym land
@mrskansas: I picked up a box once of the clear blue advanced sticks, which I think are a similar concept to the monitor, because I'd run out of opks and that was all CVS had. They are supposed to give more advanced notice by having a flashing smiley face a few days in advance of o, and then a solid smiley with the LH surge. I followed the instructions carefully but never got a flashing smiley, only the solid one the evening before o. So for me, definitely not worth it...
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@periwinklebee: I've heard similar reviews about the advanced ones. I don't think I will spend the money on it since I already know I ovulate, it's just a matter of when.
I'm CD 10 today and already starting to get fertile CM so I'm wondering what my body is going to do this month. Sometimes I miss the follicle scans!
When you get used to things not working out month after month it's easy to feel constantly defeated. I've really been struggling with this lately and my current health problems on top of ttc after loss has been a lot to handle. I told my husband last night that I would love to just give up and stop trying, but I know realistically I can't get myself to do that. I haven't seen or spoken to anyone in my husband's family since our loss and I think it's mainly because I feel like a failure and don't want to face them. I know it's not healthy to think this way, but I can't help it.
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