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TTC After Loss Part II

  1. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @periwinklebee: it's not you it's them but there is just nothing like talking to someone who truly understands, and they can never have the right biology for that!

    @mrskansas: welcome back and good luck!! Glad you had a great time!

  2. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    I think I'm accepting that I'm out this cycle. I know it's early but I just have a feeling these bfns are here to stay. I'm testing again tomorrow and then trying to wait.

    Now I'm trying to decide what to do next month, which is supposed to be our last try. We're almost definitely going to miss my usual fertile days. I could take the myo inositol again and hope for another super late ovulation, or skip it and hope for a normal cycle where I could hope to hit o-3 or o-2. Neither of these have worked these past 5 cycles so it probably hardly matters ... starting tomorrow I need to get off the emotional roller coaster and get back to focusing on being healthy.

    Interesting side note, I had those bad wondfo evaps last cycle but this time? Only stark white and I've taken a bunch. Not one evap from the same package.

  3. mrskansas

    nectarine / 2813 posts

    @bhbee: I'm sorry about the BFNs

    I think O-3 and O-2 are great days to hit! I thought I had read somewhere that O-2 has the highest chance of conception.
    I get how frustrating it is to miss the other days though, especially if it's your last shot. Is taking BC again an option so you can time your cycle better?

  4. mrskansas

    nectarine / 2813 posts

    I should know better but I lurked on the POAS/due date boards... I hate saying this but I have horribly mean thoughts when I see BFPs for baby #2, 3, 4 etc that happen right away and they immediately assume they will have a baby in 9 months. I think part of it is just jealousy since I will never experience that innocence (or be naive) again.

    Does anyone else feel like this or am I just a horrible person?

  5. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @mrskansas: my o isn't predictable enough to know what we'll get, which makes me nervous. The bc was really bad for my emotional state last time but perhaps it would be worth it as a last ditch effort. I need a few days off the crazy train before I can decide if that is worth it!

  6. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @mrskansas: oh no I think that stuff all the time! I also resent all the people who struggled for #1 and the next came easily, because I've had issues each time. I posted somewhere about it recently actually.

    I figure it's a coping mechanism for those of us who struggle. Because it just seems so unfair that other people can be in that mental place to believe a faint bfp, or that people can ntnp and get pregnant right away when I have a hard time even with everything in place and even meds at times.

    Bottom line it's just hard, and as long as you keep those thoughts here or in your head it's just fine

  7. mrskansas

    nectarine / 2813 posts

    @bhbee: I get that! The roller coaster of emotions is so exhausting.

  8. mrskansas

    nectarine / 2813 posts

    @bhbee: I'm glad I'm not the only one who has thoughts like that. I definitely agree that it's a coping mechanism but I feel guilty at times for thinking some of the things I do, but like you said, as long as I keep it in my head, it's ok

  9. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @mrskansas: yes the guilt is a very real part of things. For me it's guilt that I am crying about #3 while others struggle to have #1 or 2. And then even if you succeed there's survivors guilt of why me while others still struggle ... and that guilt making it harder for you to believe. This whole thing is such an emotional train wreck that I'm just happy to get through it in one piece!

  10. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @bhbee: I'm sorry about the bfn and future timing I remember reading a study - though don't remember exactly where - that timing becomes increasingly important as you get older. A 36 yo who hits o-1 has similar odds to a 26 yo who hits o-3 (or something like that), but o-3 odds are pretty bad for the 36 yo because CM goes downhill with age. Not trying to be discouraging but just commiserating that timing issues suck...

    @mrskansas: I think it's natural to feel this way.... But also helped me to remember that there are so many different ways that life can kick you in the face, and the POAS thread is just one dimension of people's lives. I'm sure there are good aspects of our lives that others less fortunate in those regards look at and feel the same way...Sometimes though I think it can be helpful just to stay away, in the sense that it's a constant reminder of what you don't have and that can suck no matter how happy you are for others.

  11. Dr. Pepper

    apricot / 461 posts

    @mrskansas: My first two pregnancies were losses, so I never had the naive innocence of thinking a baby would come 9 months later. I have always waited to 13 weeks to tell my family we were pregnant. My sister-in-law, on the other hand, calls us all over for dinner and announces her pregnancies they same day she pees on the stick and it turns positive. And I should be happy for her, but it irks me that she can do that and not worry about it.

  12. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @periwinklebee: oh I 100% believe those stats because I am 36 and even though I lost a lot of my earlier/younger pregnancies they weren't as hard to achieve. We've had questionable timing at least half of the cycles this time and I do think it's made a difference. So maybe you are convincing me that I should tough out the bc and try to hit all the good days!

    Also you know you are pathetic when you feel happy to see an evap because at least it's a line less insulting somehow!

  13. mrskansas

    nectarine / 2813 posts

    @bhbee: How are you doing today?

  14. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    Hormones are such a crazy thing. I felt so awful and sad for a couple days. And then all the sudden as they dropped off I felt so much better - cried out the rest of my sadness yesterday to my favorite sad songs and then felt almost 100%. Which means that I've already planned out next month. Going to take mrskansas' advice and try to delay for the best timing.

    I also know I'm not ready to quit trying yet. At least I am going to give it oct and nov I think and then evaluate. I'm even going to ask my ob in October (annual visit) if she prescribes femara! (Though I doubt it. And no way am I doing another clomid cycle.)

    I've been putting arbitrary limits on things, but I'm going to try to let my heart lead for a while. I've been worrying about transient things like how miserable I'll be when it's hot (very, no matter what) and how far apart kids would be in school and what that would mean for working. But what is one month or one year?

    I don't know if my heart is capable of feeling "done" but I'm going to give it a little longer. I haven't gotten the timing I expected for anything with ttc, but there is absolutely no way I would go back and change things now with the two miracles I have. I am going to try to have faith that whatever happens will feel right. And I am going to try to stay away from poas boards.

    Thanks for letting me post a novel! Thankful to have this board

  15. mrskansas

    nectarine / 2813 posts

    I just noticed that a coworker who had her 1st baby 6 months after me is visibly pregnant again.
    I feel sad now.

  16. mrskansas

    nectarine / 2813 posts

    @bhbee: I'm glad to hear that you're feeling better! Sometimes a good cry is all it takes.

  17. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @mrskansas: the worst. Hugs

  18. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @bhbee: I'm happy to see your update I was having a hard time imagining you stopping at this point, because in all your posts I can tell that your heart keeps saying that you really want a third, even though the logistics of continuing to try are far from ideal. I think relaxing some of the pressure from the deadline - and taking a break from the POAS boards - will hopefully make continuing to try a less stressful and emotionally draining process. I'm thinking of you and sending so many good vibes for things to work out soon. I so wish I could reach out across the internet and give you a big hug - I know it must be super hard right now but I'm also hopeful for you that in the end, everything will feel right, even though it won't take away how much the middle sucks.

    @mrskansas: I'm sorry

  19. mrskansas

    nectarine / 2813 posts

    @periwinklebee: I'm pretty sure we need an updated bump pic from you!

  20. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @mrskansas: @periwinklebee: yes

  21. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @mrskansas: @bhbee: Hah, I need to take a bump pic - work has really geared up the past month and I've completely fallen off the bandwagon with that...

  22. mrskansas

    nectarine / 2813 posts

    Do you guys think that sex once every 24 hours is sufficient? It's extremely difficult for us to get it in more than due to our work schedules.

    I have quite a bit of EWCM this morning and we did it around 1 am but can't again until after midnight tonight unless I make a special trip home during lunch. I know I am overthinking this but I hate feeling like we're not doing it enough.

  23. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @mrskansas: I think you have your bases covered! This pregnancy was the one where we had the least sex during the fertile window (but did hit peak). If you have EWCM now, midnight seems like perfect timing.

  24. mrskansas

    nectarine / 2813 posts

    @periwinklebee: Thank you, that makes me feel better!

  25. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    Maybe this just sounds like philosophical mumbling, but I was thinking about the conversations we’ve had recently about how it can be hard to see others who are able to have much more naive optimism about pregnancy, and was wondering how much that goes back to my own difficulty to accept that in many of the most important areas of life, I’m fairly helpless/powerless to control the outcome. I think working on accepting this over the past decade or so has made me a much happier person, but there’s still progress to make…

    There are times when something reminds me of our losses and it still feels like a punch in the gut. Like I just found out that the person I met with literally ten minutes after getting my first bfp had also just found out that she was pregnant then and has her baby now. At this point I think it’s less about the fear of not being a mom and not at all about jealously of other people - as I feel so insanely grateful to be pregnant again - but rather just about the fact that remembering the whole experience really stings. When my doctor told me that he thought the issue was that the SCH I had was keeping the baby from getting nutrients and thus he might just be starving and there was nothing we could do about it, honestly it was the most helpless feeling ever and I still feel awful and frustrated thinking about it. I know that there will be other times in life when I feel similarly helpless, and I need to keep working on accepting that this is just how life works…

  26. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @mrskansas: Yeah, sometimes I wonder if it actually helped us to have sex less, like saving up all the sperm for the moment when it maximized our chances, but who knows... i don't think sperm count was our problem anyways, so I'm probably over-analyzing. It sounds like you've done everything you can for this month, tonight will be bonus, and now it's a matter of waiting (bah, I hate, hate, hate saying that, I know the waiting completely sucks )

  27. mrskansas

    nectarine / 2813 posts

    @periwinklebee: I'm not even sure if I'm ovulating or not... I haven't gotten a + OPK yet but maybe I will tonight. I'm on CD 15 so hopefully it's almost time.
    Luckily we will have more opportunity with the weekend coming up so I think we will be fine!

  28. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @mrskansas: I hope you get a positive opk soon!!!

  29. mrskansas

    nectarine / 2813 posts

    I used my last OPK last night and it was so I guess I'll be in the TWW pretty soon. I'm actually glad that I ran out of OPKs so I don't keep testing like a crazy person

    We were able to have sex after my husband got home at midnight and then again this morning. We'll try for tonight too just to make sure our bases our covered.

  30. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @mrskansas: Yay! Hah, and don't think you're crazy for using lots of opks. Bodies are weird, and we just like information. You are definitely not crazy, we all admire how well you've handled everything through all the bs that TTC has thrown at you. I am rooting for you so, so, so hard this month!

  31. mrskansas

    nectarine / 2813 posts

    @periwinklebee: Thank you, you are so sweet

  32. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @mrskansas: I mean it, you are a TTC rock star!

  33. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    AF came in like a lion today so time to start up the bc pills - I really have no idea when I'll end up ovulating due to lots of variations in cycle where I did bc delay and myo inositol so I'm just going to try to take it long enough to cover the trip, and hope I get it right.

    I messed up the timing last cycle and missed the most important days so my goal is to stay calm and take a lot of opks. It's going to be a busy month so I'm hoping I can stay away from the POAS board altogether.

    This month I'll probably ovulate sometime around my due date for my last loss. I don't feel overtly sad about it, but maybe it would be nice timing to have something work! It's also totally possible that once again we'll have to be on BD duty when my in-laws are visiting.

    So now I guess I try to focus on other things for a while! I really hope we get some good news on this board for one of us soon

  34. MrsJBeeG

    clementine / 787 posts

    I really had to step away from this site and sort some things out after last month. Just had so many crazy hormones and positive feelings - so the BFN (well it really ways AF showing right on time in my case) really hit me hard. Stepping away was what I needed.

    Feeling a bit better about it all. DH has been really sick so we finally got some BD in this morning (CD 12) and I hope to hit CD 13 and 14 as I seem to ovulate those days most cycles. Then maybe on the 16th day just in case.

    I feel better emotionally then I have since my loss. I feel like I can go a bit more with the flow and just let whatever happens happen.

    Just wanted to post to say thanks - this board really helps me. I can't always handle the emotions of the POAS page (my problem for sure) because it doesn't always work out. So just wanted to say thanks - this group of ladies is fantastic. And helping me find a happier state of mind.

  35. mrskansas

    nectarine / 2813 posts

    @MrsJBeeG: I'm glad this board has been helpful to you! I don't know what I would do without you guys either.

    Hopefully your husband is on the mend soon and you can get all the BD in!

  36. mrskansas

    nectarine / 2813 posts

    I feel so hopeful this month and that scares me. I hope it doesn't make the disappointment worse if I'm not pregnant. My husband is also convinced that I'm pregnant and brought up baby names over the weekend
    I'm only 3 DPO so I have a while to wait and I already know this week is going to be slow!

    Our 5 year anniversary is two days after AF is due and I would love to surprise my husband with some positive news.

  37. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @mrskansas: I think no matter what those same feelings will be there if things don't work, so if it feels most natural to be hopeful now, you should go with it I have all my fingers crossed for you.

    @MrsJBeeG: I'm glad you're feeling better about things, healing from loss can be such a long and lonely journey. Thinking of you this month.

  38. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @mrskansas: wishing hard that the anniversary brings you luck!

    I'm on day 2 of bc pills and remembering why I didn't want to do this again. They just make me feel down. Let's hope it's for a good cause!

  39. mrskansas

    nectarine / 2813 posts

    I have some leftover progesterone from a few months ago and I'm contemplating starting it. I don't have a history of low progesterone and from all the research I've done there is no evidence that is really helps (unless you have low P).

    What do you guys think? I'm 5 DPO today so I guess it's not too late to start, but I also hate to start something that I can't stop if I do end up pregnant. That stuff is expensive!

  40. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @mrskansas: My RE practice is very evidence based, and their reading of the evidence is that progesterone is not warranted except when doing IVF or it's been diagnosed as low (and even in the latter case it's not clear it helps, as many people think low progesterone is a symptom of weak ovulation, etc, rather than being the problem in and of itself). It doesn't appear to do harm, but since we don't know that for sure, they do not recommend using it unless there's a specifically indicated reason to, as lots of studies show that it doesn't help.

    @bhbee: I'm sorry about the birth control, yuck, that sucks.

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