Well, it looks like we might have T a while longer than we thought. Therefore, I feel like we need to figure out a plan for addressing how rough he plays with O. They're only 2 months apart but he has 7.5 lbs on her and is much stronger. He likes to give her "hugs" which usually involve tackling to the point of basically laying on her laughing while she cries. He has also started pulling her hair now that it's long and thick enough for him to get a good handful. Any reaction on our part seems to egg him on. He laughs hysterically. He's obviously doing it for the reaction, but ignoring it isn't an option, as it wouldn't be fair to O. He understands the word "gentle" but doesn't seem to want to be gentle with his sister. I feel bad because I end up giving him a great deal of negative attention and her more positive attention throughout the day. I know this contributes to the problem, but I can't figure out a good solution!
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We start time outs at about that age. We aim for the "benign robot " approach. So I would give one warning "gentle hands, T!" Then the next time he did it I would calmly pick him up, move him to his time out space, set him down, turn my back on him and say, "No X! Gentle hands." Then stand there ignoring him but keping him in place for one minute. Then we crouch down, make eye contact and repeat one more time, "gentle hands" while taking his hand and making it touch us gently. Then a quick hug and back to play. It didn't take our kids long to learn it was a pain to keep getting taken away from their play time. It worked well as long as we were consistent and kept the emotion out of it. The first time usually does mean a whole bunch of time outs right in a row while they figure out what is going on.
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I would stay close, within arms reach, when they are together and just physically stop him (gently) every time he does something rough. It's best if you can stop it before he does it. When you can't be actively monitoring, keep them separated with baby gates, or high chair, learning towers, etc. or wear one.
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DS is 20 months and we do a lot of hand on hand when he is rough. We also word our redirection to tell him what we want him to do, not what we don't want him to do. So if he hits me, I take his hand and use it to rub me softly and I say "M uses soft hands."
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Stay close ... it sounds like checking in with O first would be a good place to start. "Oh no, I see that T pulled your hair, and that hurt. I'm so sorry. Are you ok?" ... eventually, T will learn empathy. And, amen to the benign robot idea. It's like, "I see what you did there. It was not ok. I will not let you do that again. I'll be here to make sure it doesn't happen.
With all of this said, it is SO NORMAL at this age. He is simply testing his own strength in regards to everyone's reactions. Not that it makes it easier for you, but it is normal.
Lastly, while I believe in gentle parenting (and I do not believe in time out), I think that when the safety of other kids is concerned, it's ok to make the offender take a break (like sitting on the couch and taking breaths, or cuddling with you).
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We went through a stage like this with DS and the dog. We did timeouts for hitting because he needed a direct consequence. Talking to him at that age just wasn't effective. We also do tons of praise for all positive interactions.
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@ShootingStar: Kids + animals is so frustrating. Our 3 y/o just threw her new doll at our cat's head. Soooo, doll has been taken away, and cat was put in the basement for a bit. I'd like to think that's the perfect solution, but I'm sure she'll do it again tomorrow. Sigh.
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@MrsSRS: Thanks. I'm not sure we are going to do time outs-we learned in our foster care training that they're really not recommended for kids who have been through neglect. But I think something similar where we sit with him but don't make eye contact could work.
@Anagram: I really try to do this, but even intercepting him seems to be the reaction he wants, and eggs him on. So even if I can be there to stop the behavior, he still tries constantly (maybe even more so when I'm right there because he knows I'll react?)
@littlejoy: This makes total sense. I know it's all normal and I don't even feel that it has anything to do with true aggression, he's just testing things and learning how to get reactions that are funny. He's always been a little tester-at 7 months he rolled into the closet and touched the garbage can...when I said "no T, don't touch that" he turned and laughed SO hard. I knew we were in for it! But I like the checking in with O and then calmly removing him from the situation. I think doing it without eye contact with him will be key also. I'm going to try to be really consistent with this and see if it helps.
@ShootingStar: Thanks. Luckily both of our kiddos so far are good with the dogs. They seem to understand "gentle" when it comes to the dogs, but not so much with each other!
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@Mrs. Turtle: All of our timeouts are with him, especially at that age. It's more like a break from stimuli where we face the wall for a minute with him in our lap.
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@ShootingStar: That makes sense. In our training they called that "time in." I'm going to try that with T. I think he's very smart and learns quickly how to get a reaction, but he's not verbal yet and gets frustrated when we don't know what he wants.
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@Mrs. Turtle: Following bc DS does the same thing - laughs hysterically whenever I correct him (going near the stairs, grabbing the dog, playing in the toilet - the list goes on). DW doesn't think it's a big deal but his maniacal laughing has me a bit concerned!!!
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@Mrs. Turtle: @ShootingStar: Oh I should have clarified. For us at that age holding wasn't working, so we would calmly remove LO from the situation, put LO in our spot which was the corner of the kitchen, and then sit right in front of LO blocking access to go play, but not make eye contact for a minute. Even if there wasn't the emotional need aspect I don't think you could get T to sit alone! We just needed a boring, hopefully slightly annoying removal from the fun to make the hitting stop.
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Agree with what @anagram said. I have a 16 month old (just one, lol so don't have the issues with 2 together) but I find it best to intervene before he gets wound up, if possible, and keep him from the offending behavior. He gets more pokey/hitty/grabby (lol) when he's tired, hungry, grouchy, etc.
Like he will snatch your glasses away and poke his fingers in your eyes. Or today on our plane kept trying to pull the hair of the girl sitting in front of us. I know he was really tired and he's just a curious little guy. I definitely don't do any sort of time out or anything. I just physically stop him (block him with my arm or whatever) and say, very calmly and un-emotionally "I can't let you pull her hair." or "I can't let you hit me."
And then he always gets angry and starts screaming and tries harder to do it. I try to do the Janet Lansbury sportscasting type approach, like "I hear you. You're upset because I won't let you pull her hair. It's frustrating for you. It hurts to pull her hair. I can't let you pull her hair. I hear you...." (etc repeat). I am not sure if this does anything but I like the idea behind it - especially at this age, I find my son gets frustrated easily but can't explain why he is frustrated and sometimes hits and kicks, so I try to "talk out" his emotions and what happened. I'm not perfect at this, but this is my goal.
The other thing I try to do is distract if possible before the behavior begins, although sometimes this is not possible.
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@wrkbrk: yes! T does this exactly. It's funny, but a little worrisome too! We've found that it's already getting a little better as he gets a bit older. And that not reacting, but taking attention (specifically eye contact) away has a huge impact on him.
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@MrsSRS: that totally makes sense. No, haha, there would be no sitting still without physically blocking him.
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@MrsADS: Yeah I do this as much aso possible but with the two of them it's so hard. And he doesn't really do it when he's wound up. They'll be sitting quietly playing together and sometimes it seems like it's just proximity that gives him the urge to pull her hair or tackle her. And of course she wants to be wherever he is, so keeping them separate without gates or cages (kidding, sort of) is impossible. It'll all be easier in the spring when we can spend more time outside again. Being cooped up really doesn't bode well for T in particular.
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But, just so you don't think they're always at each other's throats...this happened tonight.
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I totally feel your pain. My kiddo is 16 months as well, and I just started nannying for a family with another 16 month old. I definitely think a lot of the roughness is just the age, and a way of testing boundaries and figuring out how to play with each other. I try to give one warning that we need to be gentle with our friends, then try to distract both kids, or pick up the kid who was being picked on them and snuggle them a bit if they're upset. In my case, the slightly younger, but definitely bigger girl is often overly affectionate and in my girl's space. But my girl tries to steal toys or food and run away with it.
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@Mrs. Turtle: Adorable picture!
I found that when the kids do react like that they often crave attention and/or physical touch by us. So often we would build in extra snuggles and hugs and when possible one on one time. That often solved the issues for us.
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@LindsayLou: It sounds like the dynamics are really similar. T is overly affectionate, much bigger, and sometimes a little aggressive. Very physical. O is much smaller, quicker, and loves to steal things and run with them!
@Pumuckl: Yes, really good point. I KNOW that part of it is jealousy for T and that he needs more one on one time. Not easy with our schedule and the craziness of foster care, but I am making an effort to do that more and to snuggle him more. He's not a snuggly guy and is SO active and busy all the time, but I think you're right and he needs it more than he knows.
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Update for those who are following: Today and yesterday have been much better. We decided to try the calm "time in" approach where we give him one warning not to pull her hair or push her down. If he does it anyway (he always does) we first make sure she's ok, then pick him up calmly and sit him on our laps and tell him that we can't let him hurt Olivia and that he needs to be gentle with her. Honestly, I really thought picking him up was just the reaction he wanted so I wasn't sure it would work. But so far, so good. He definitely knows the difference and seems to understand that the "time in" on our lap is not a positive response to his behavior. He throws a quick tantrum, then calms down and goes back to playing nicely. We did it maybe 3-4 times today and that was it (and we were home, inside, ALL DAY LONG because of bad weather, so that was a pretty good day.
ETA: Another thing we thought of was, when he's doing it in an overly affectionate way (sometimes his tackling is basically a really rough hug and then he sits on her) we try to catch him as he's going in and suggest that he give her a kiss instead. Both of them know how to give kisses and love doing that, so usually if we say it in time, they will both shift gears and give each other a kiss. So we get a cute moment and avoid a take down all in one fell swoop!
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@Mrs. Turtle: glad to hear things are working out! And babies giving babies kisses is just THE best. So cute...
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