Hi all! I’m wondering if anyone here has experience with parenting a young child (4 years old) with anxiety? Our 4 year old daughter has always been sensitive and prone to tantrums over fairly small events and discomforts. I was hoping the tantrums would improve as she got older but they actually seem to be increasing in frequency and intensity. I’m sure some of it is normal growing pains in that she’s seeking ways to find more control over things she’s asked to do. But she’s consistently the only kid in soccer, dance class, swim, etc that bursts into tears over being asked to do something new or different. She’s okay in environments she’s comfortable in like her regular classroom but any new classes can be a recipe for disaster especially if it’s a class in which parents cannot participate with her. I’m starting to think there is some sort of anxiety/panic disorder underlying some of her reactions. If this was an issue for your child, how did you determine whether it was ordinary childhood behavior versus something more? And what methods did you use to help your child? Thanks in advance -
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This may not be the answer you want to hear but for us it was time. Though yours sounds a little more intense, there was a lot of fear/anxiety but not what I would describe as a tantrum. More clinging/crying/etc. Truthfully I bought some books on childhood anxiety but never got around to reading them ... that might be a good place to see if what you are experiencing is reflected there. Or talk to your pediatrician about it - I planned to do that but never got around to it.
She’s seven now and the age we saw a big positive change was (hugely surprising to me) 5.5 when she went to kindergarten. She’s always struggled with anxiety - came that way and has always had a different approach to everything than your average kid. Would cry sometimes every dropoff over preschool - would not be able to sleep because of worrying - would sometimes throw up or not eat - would cry at the beginning of every dance class. I tried to go with what worked for her and only make a stand on those couple of things (dance and preschool) - we didn’t do other activities where I couldn’t be with her. I became a SAHM when she was 3 which was both good and bad I’m sure. We tried to talk to her about how it’s normal to be nervous about things and we found ways to help her cope. Her primary issue was being apart from me, so for example we would do “hug buttons” (nail stickers) where I would “send” her hugs with mine and she could press hers when she needed a hug and I wasn’t there. But certain things I just didn’t push - like she would never talk to anyone adult outside our family and just barely to her teachers. She would just stare at people who talked to her or hide, and I just didn’t worry about it. And now at 7 it’s all completely different and it’s hard to believe it happened! She used to just attach to my hip at birthday parties and not do the activities and today she was jumping in line for big water slides and volunteering to ask a stranger for something at a restaurant. She’s gotten so brave. Something about age and the kind of opportunities kindergarten gave her and even more so in first.
Anyway, sorry for rambling but there was another thread you may be able to find from a while back - several people mentioned that time helped more than anything, and that pushing it backfired.
And big hugs, it is hard to have the kid who always clings and cries!
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My four year old was similar; I was so worried about her anxiety in preschool and that it would be debilitating for her as she got older - it was so bad. Like Bhbee’s daughter though, as she got older, especially through kindergarten, it got so much better. Maybe just maturity helped, maybe it just took a while to get used to being away from me and ‘on her own.’ I stressed so much about it but didn’t take any real steps to combat it. Just tried to acknowledge her feelings yet encourage her to be brave, and just got through it. Totally understand how you feel though. I did talk to a child behavior psychotherapist about it (without my daughter present) which helped validate my feelings and worries about it but also reassured me that a lot of it was normal, and provided resources for me if I wanted to look further into it (play therapy referrals, etc.). I didn’t end up going that route but it was comforting to have options. Sorry if that was rambling - just know I totally understand and feel for you, whether you decide to seek help or wait and see what happens. Both are good options!
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Talk to your pediatrician - bring up all of your concerns and they can help you determine if its anxiety.
For my LO, we suspected she had anxiety and at her 5 year old well child appointment, the questions I had plus the standard questions they ask at that well child, lead our doctor to have us do an extensive questionnaire at home and come back for a follow up. Then we were referred to a psychologist.
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Thanks all - I appreciate hearing about your experiences and suggestions. I’ve hesitated in the past to bring it up at doctor appointments because it seemed dramatic - “my preschooler has tantrums and seems nervous in new situation,” must be a normal and average concern for 90% of families. But I think her reactions and emotions are much bigger than the “average” kid so I think it’s worth the conversation with our doctor at the next check up. I am hoping time and age will help but I hate seeing her get so stressed out. I was anxious kid myself so I can understand some of what she’s going through but it’s now been 30+ years since I was in her shoes. Thanks all
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@castilrm: I'm glad you have a plan! My husband struggles with anxiety (and there are mental health issues on both sides) so we figure a lot of it is hereditary. I think the good news is that if you are aware of it now, you can get ahead of it before it becomes a big problem and find/teach coping mechanisms. Even though my daughter is over some of the preschool-age behaviors, we definitely want to keep an eye on it as she gets to the more socially stressful ages in a few years. Wishing you luck!
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I will be shocked if DS doesn't end up with an anxiety diagnosis once he's older. I like the book Growing Up Brave for parenting ideas. It's aimed at parenting slightly older kids but the basis is good info. We do a lot of mindfulness and grounding work. Basically I'm teaching the tools he will need to manage his anxiety when he is older.
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I dont have much to add csuse my kids are super young (almost 3 and almost 2) My son does does show signs of high functioning autism and or sensory processing issues. we still are waiting for offical diagnoses.
I just wanted to say as a mental disorder(bipolor type 2) that is genetic (I get it from my mother and her mother has it as well as my moms brother) it's just nice to see parents who are really open to helping their kids with axienty and stuff. I didn't need meds till I was in my 20s but I showed a lot of signs as a kid looking back and I wish my family had understood that even kids can have depression and anxiety. Therapy is great and I love seeing parents read and do research on mindfulness and grounding. I have to use these techniques today. I think if kids learn when they are young they more second nature itll become to use them. They may still deal with the issue but it wont be so bad and completely manageable.
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