My 4-year-old has a daycare classmate who has problems with aggression. My child seems to be particularly targeted by this classmate.
The other kid's family has him in therapy and seeing specialists. The daycare is very aware of the problem and is trying to keep other kids safe. But. My kid keeps getting hurt.
He's been hit, pinched, bit, or scratched more weeks than not for the last couple months. It'll seem like it is getting better, and then we'll get another text from the school.
Most of the time it has been aggressive, unacceptable behavior, but it hasn't resulted in a real injury. Three times in the last month though, my kid has been scratched right near his eyes. Yesterday there were scratches under both eyes, inside his nose, and on his cheek. I'm concerned that with the face/eye targeting a "next time" could be disfiguring or disabling.
Daycare has said that next time this happens, the aggressive kid will be asked to leave the school permanently. I'm glad there's a plan...but the plan seems to lack any concrete way to keep other kids safe. It feels like we're just waiting for my kid to get hurt again so the other kid can get kicked out.
What can/should we be asking for?
nectarine / 2433 posts
Oh dear. I'm not sure there's anything you can do? Maybe like the sliiiiiightest little thing that the aggressive kid does, put up a huge stink to get him kicked out? It's really sad for all families involved. Poor kid. But he cannot be hurting your child.
pomegranate / 3658 posts
It sounds like it's going to be a very quick wait before the kid gets expelled. I think your main task that you can control is managing your own kid's trauma. I would be engaging in lots of conversations to help him manage his emotions, which I'm guessing must include a lot of fear at this point. Make sure he knows you are advocating for him and that you are trying to take steps to protect him - I believe it makes a difference to kids to feel that their parents believe their pain is real and are doing something, anything about it, even if you know you don't really have any power to change the situation. Those conversations could continue after the aggressive kid is gone. Maybe also conversations about how to respond to bullies? Like, this may not be for everyone, but personally if it were my daughter I'd be coaching her to fight back.
nectarine / 2115 posts
I’d be seriously pissed if I were in your shoes. It doesn’t sound like they are putting an appropriate safety plan in place for your child and others in the daycare. I’d be insisting that they keep the child away from your child. They may argue that they don’t have the staffing, but given the persistent injuries your child has suffered, it’s the least they can do until the child is removed.
grapefruit / 4291 posts
Man, that’s such a sucky situation for everybody involved! At this point the daycare needs to up its game and do a better job of shadowing the aggressor or they need to remove the child if they don’t have the resources to manage his behaviour.
pear / 1697 posts
We spoke with the daycare and it sounds like they're already doing more than I imagined to shadow the aggressive kid and manage his behavior. Short of completely and totally separating him from all of the other kids and not allowing him to participate in any activities with them, they're already doing everything they can; mean kids are just fast sometimes.
So, my big kid is back at school today and we'll see how things shake out. Both kids are slated to move to the same preschool in mid-September, so I'm worried we'll have to start the process all over then. We're setting up a meeting in advance of them even starting to make sure the new school knows the whole history of the situation and can move down the swiftest path possible if the different environment doesn't solve the behaviors.
pomegranate / 3127 posts
@lilyofthewest: oh no! The preschool situation sounds terrible. I wonder if you need to make a plan to switch preschools if the new place's staff can't keep this kid in check. Also, does your kid ever yell or fight back? I'm not a fan of recommending aggression, but since the adults can't quite protect him, he might need to hear it from you that he won't get in trouble for protecting himself.
pear / 1565 posts
Is there another class that you can immediately request to move to? And same in the next school? Make sure they're in separate classes?