Hellobee Boards

@irene: Please don't worry about upsetting us, everyone in this thread is just trying to help

We ALL have been there. When we try to do something extra special for our kid and they act like a butt-head.

BUT this is normal behavior for a 3-4 year old. I have found that lowing my expectations is key. This past summer we took DD to an a big aquarium 3 hours away... She hated! She was scared of the sharks and it was super crowded which she hates and she cried and clung to us the whole time. The best thing you can do is just to let it go. Who cares in the long run?

Also, kids are people. Sometimes they just have a bad day. You cannot take it personally.

I know that you are going to take this as being "mean" but I definitely do not mean it that way. How you're reacting to his behavior is not ideal. I grew up with a mom that would react very similarly. Trust me, there is a good chance of your son learning to react the same way when he's upset. I have had to relearn in adulthood how to react to being mad and frustrated in a reasonable way.

@pregnantbee: @Purpledaisy: agree with you both!!

@KateBee: I agree with this. I know sometimes we get responses we don't anticipate or like very much, but they can also provide solid insight we might otherwise overlook, in our state of exhaustion. Like someone up thread said, we need to be aware of the behaviors we exhibit in front of our children, even when we personally feel overwhelmed. Those experiences can and do carry into adulthood.

ETA: Yikes, I see the comment poofed. My bad.

@irene: you've gotten some great advice already... I have a "spirited" 3 year old and I've been listening to Janet Lansbury a lot (especially now since we have a newborn) and she talks a lot about re-setting YOUR priorities, and not projecting them onto our kids.... check out her podcasts.... I listen when I'm having a tough time with my little man to help re-frame the way I'm thinking about things. Its often that I expect too much from him (he's only 3 years 4 months) and it helps to remember that..... ALSO, my DH is like this - he gets all excited about a plan or whatever and LO often doesn't react exactly as DH would like and he tries to make the best of it, but it's a work in progress!! Hang in there, try to find some fun in what you can, this little 3/4 year olds are tough!

@irene: haha, I KNOW. I also am also not that calm/crunchy - but I realized I was yelling at my son non stop and I needed to change something. She had been recommended to me by other moms. I take what I can from it - i can't do her style 100%. Good luck, parenting is HARD.

@irene: FWIW, I don't really subscribe to the Janet Lansbury kool-aid. Its one of those things I've read and looked into as I've culled through different parenting resources and philosophies and while I'm glad I have the insight available to me, its not my jam.

And also to add, my mom was a big screamer when I was growing up. She has a low tolerance for BS, is a neat freak, and was pretty much exhausted all the time from working full-time and dealing with cultural expectations that required her to do all the cooking and cleaning solo. I was apparently pretty obedient but my younger brother was an EXTREMELY spirited/destructive child with an explosive temper that led to CRAZY public tantrums. To add insult to injury, he was also an EXTREMELY picky eater until like college.

Blah, blah, blah, we got yelled at all the time, especially my brother, and we got spanked too. We're fine. I'm not saying do what my mom did - I'm just saying cut yourself some slack. My brother and I both know unequivocally that (1) my mom loves us like crazy and (2) my mom did the best she could. And the first thing my brother says now of his childhood is "God, I was such an a$$hole to mom." Like I said before, YOU'RE DOING A GOOD JOB. EVEN WHEN YOU CAN'T HAVE A MOMENT OF ZEN AROUND YOUR THREENAGER, YOU ARE DOING THE BEST YOU CAN AND NO ONE CAN PARENT THAT KID BETTER THAN YOU, NOT EVEN JANET LANSBURY.

@irene: thank you for posting this today, because I thought of it and some of the advice people have posted just this afternoon, when neither of my kids would nap and my toddler was being a crazy person in her room instead of resting. I *wanted* to yell at her, but instead I (mostly) calmly explained why I was disappointed that she didn't nap. And I really thought of this the whole time.

And yes to them seeming so smart or advanced making it harder. This is another conversation Dh and I had last night. She seems to understand and know so much so it's easy to forget that no, she's two. Not an a$$hole, just two.

@irene: Irene, honestly, the way you're asking us to be patient and supportive and gentle and understanding with you? The way you want us to control our reactions to your actions? That's all your little boy needs from you, but he doesn't have the tools to ask you. You are the bigger person. You're the adult. You have the tools. Be as understanding and empathetic with him as you're asking us to be with you. Everyone deserves that. You do. Your son does.

@gingerbebe: I agree with you and getting empathy and commiseration is very important and Irene deserves it. I'm not trying to fix anything, or telling her what to do. I'm basing my response on this, and previous threads, where Irene had mentioned losing her patience, screaming, and giving her son the silent treatment. Her tone in many posts, taken together, leads me to say yes toddlers are infuriating and difficult but at the end of the day she's the one who can change anything, not him.

@gingerbebe: I love this analogy! Describes exactly how I try to explain the mood swings of my little one!

I will say that even though I don't drink all of l the Janet Lansbury kool-aid either (I do like some of it), I do like her thoughts around introspection about why my kiddo's tantrum pisses me off so much. It's usually not about him at all and taking a breath and realizing I'm really just tired/sick/hormonal or whatever, it helps me get into a better frame of mind... Sometimes. And sometimes I lose my shit. It happens, but not every time or most of the time, but I'll cop to not being perfect.

I find that a lot of the same things are triggers for me, and that even though I studied child development and in my head I know the right way to handle these situations, sometimes my emotions get out of control, just like my toddlers do. I just recently started seeing a therapist because I began to recognize that it is my job to be the parent and to cope with my emotions in order to help my son with his. No parent does this perfectly,but I really do find Janet Lansburys podcasts and posts helpful. The more I begin to understand why my son behaves the way he does, and the more I dig in and try to figure out why his behaviors trigger me to become so angry, the easier it is getting to manage. It's not easy, but I feel like it is really important for me to do the work to continuously grow so that I am not repeating the patterns that I grew up with in my own home as a child.

Sending lots of hugs and support. These years are so so hard.

@irene: FWIW I think that one day you'll probably read or hear a piece of advice that you'll relate to and all of a sudden it will click and you'll be able to start reacting differently. For some people that's Janet Lansbury, for others it will be the orange rhino!

Your response to @sarac: really struck me:

"I know what you are saying, I also remind myself of that but it simply doesn't work. It is because that's who I am and I just have very very little patience. Again I am not saying it is a good thing. IT is a bad thing. But that's how I am and I can't control it. I need ways to tame it but I can't just say I need to model for my child therefore I need to do xyz. My problem is I can't do xyz. I tried and I can't. I just need to figure out a way to convince myself in order to change me. Which I am still trying to figure out."

I think that therapy would be a place to learn these tools ... "I tried. I can't." If you aren't able to read a book, and absorb those thoughts, a trained professional would be an amazing tool for you. -- Your son's behaviors are completely normal. When he's acting out, it's like he's saying, "I need to count on you to help me through this. Teach me how to handle it." ... When you throw tantrums yourself, or react (even a negative reaction is a reaction, and they know that it gets your attention), it teaches them that's how we cope with stress. It's not surprising at all that he keeps having tantrums. It's what he's learning.

It's hard. So hard. SOOOO HARRRDDDD! Toddlers & young children have little to no impulse, but WE (as the adults) should.

I find myself going back to: "What kind of parent does my little one deserve?" -- the answer is someone who is kind, mature, and can keep their shit together. If I feel that slipping, I remind myself of my parenting goals. If I couldn't get it together, I would absolutely seek professional help (without any shame at all), because I know my child deserves a parent who she can trust & express feelings to.

I know that Janet Lansbury isn't for everyone, but one simple tip has helped me. When I feel frustration creeping in ... I step back for a moment and take a deep breath. In my head, I just think, "Keep it calm. Keep it together." ... It always helps.

@irene: just something else to think about but it does take practice to change your reaction and attitude, especially when you're changing what has always been your go to and is deeply ingrained in your subconscience. I'm a firm believer that if you want it enough you will do it, and "I can't" will no longer be a good enough excuse for you.