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You sound like you might need some help. Losing your temper (screaming), not talking to your son, staying angry . . . you need an outlet to discuss/vent your feelings in a healthy way and to come up with a plan for how to deal with them in the future.

@irene: I wasn't trying to be mean. Toddlers can be tough(!), and everyone needs a little help once in a while.

@hilsy85: exactly- when my expectations are very low I tend to deal with everything better. Although it sucks to constantly walk around with low expectations. And yes at my better moments I tell her why I am upset even though it's more for me. At my less fine moments I say things like "why are you ruining this??" Then calm down. Toddlers are the best except they can really suck sometimes.

Unfortunately this all sounds like typical toddler / preschooler behavior. Recently @adira: posted something to the effect of every day she leaves work and thinks "this is going to be such a great evening" then she picks her toddler up and he's all "no, I want to stay at daycare" and pisses all over her mood. I was SO glad to read that as that describes a lot of my evenings perfectly.

I try to remind myself that it's the longest shortest time. I think focus on the good with your son and try to not let the bad weigh you down. He is learning to express himself and express his opinions - it's incredibly difficult and frustrating, but one day will serve him very well!

I'm sorry you are having trouble. It really sucks.

So, my son can be like this, and what I've learned is that I have to stick to what I say. If I have planned something and he doesn't want to go, I will say we can stay home, but that it doesn't mean we're going out to buy new lego sets for him to build. He can help me with the housework and that usually rights his attitude. If it doesn't, and I've said I will cancel, I have to follow through, otherwise he just continues to walk all over me.

I have also learned that my son is more comfortable at home, sometimes the anxiety of having to go to a new place is overhelming so I try to plan for things to do with friends in our home/yard.

@looch: ugh if I threaten to cancel a fun outing for my son, he will say, "Ok!" and totally mean it. He is fine staying home--it is a punishment for me to be home with him all day!

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@irene: I would consider if he really wanted to go. My son has literally cried in the parking lot at birthday parties for his friends, these are kids he plays with every day, but when it came time to go to the birthday party that I had RSVPd to for him, he literally couldn't go in. I didn't want to force him and make it worse, but it forced me to learn that just because I think something is fun and great doesn't mean that he thinks the same.

What helps me in similar situations is remembering that kids that little aren't really in control of their feelings. They aren't throwing tantrums because they want to make you mad or manipulate you - they're usually struggling with their own tiredness, frustrations, whatever, and I try my best to remain calm and adjust to how the kid is feeling rather than get frustrated over something I can't control anyway. It's definitely hard, especially when it involves plans with other people, but it helps me process my frustrations by remembering just how little emotional and mental capacity kids still have. I also try to remember that withholding affection (not talking to them, etc.) can be really traumatizing for little kids. I definitely lose patience and get frustrated easily, but in that, I always try to remember that I'm upset with the behavior, not the kid, and try to make it about the situation (here's what you are doing that's making mom upset) rather than about the person (you're a bad kid).

I know the question is "what drives you nuts," but honestly, it's focusing on the typical/normal but frustrating behaviors that drives me nuts. As moms, we have to find a way to let them go - for them and for our own sanity! You can tell him you're disappointed the day didn't go how you wanted and then show him how to deal with those feelings. And maybe treat yourself to a walk and coffee with him or something

@Mrs. Carrot: has great advice.

Parenting has been a very humbling lesson in letting go and realizing that I can not control everything - I can only control how I react to situations. When I found I didn't like how I was reacting to parenting challenges (I wasn't effective, I was extremely frustrated, etc), I took a parenting course to arm me with techniques to be a better parent. It has made all the difference in the world.

Two things:

1) What we consider 'special' is often not interpreted that way by a 3/4 year old. Kids that age LOVE routine, and often going somewhere new/doing something different, while initially exciting, is scary, hard, emotional, and exhausting for them. WE are responsible for letting go of expectations about how they are going to react - if you walk into a day or an event thinking "I'm going to be pissed if he doesn't like this", you're setting yourself up to have a bad time. If you can't let it go, I'd suggest not planning things that are so much work for you.

2) Having a pre-schooler has certainly tested my patience and my anger more than anything else in the world. But kids are VERY sensitive to us and our moods and it hurts them deeply to be yelled at/blamed/resented/in any other way made to feel responsible for their parents' feelings. They are kids with no emotional control; we are the grown-ups whose job it is to recover from frustration quicker than they can. They need us to be that solid foundation for them. It makes them feel safe. When I lose my shit (which I do), my husband takes over and vice versa. If that's not an option, she goes into her room or her bed (which is safe for her)until I can take a minute to come down from my rage. Please hear this not as judgment but as genuine concern for you and your LO! Coping techniques are ESSENTIAL at this age. Hugs.

@MrsLilybugg: Reframe expectations- I REALLY like this!

I just don't expect him to like everything, but when the stars do align to a fantastic day, I treasure it since it is that rare unicorn that I never see! We still have a zoo day that I think back to as being absolutely perfect, when having a rough day, I think back to how awesome it was and smile.

Big hugs, friend! Kids (or more specifically our little boys) aren't so great at having mommy empathy, they sure can be ungrateful little self centered monsters. But day by day we are raising them past this to make them fantastic men that we would want to be around.

@hilsy85: Yeah, I know, my son will do this. And then I'll ask him later if he wants to do something and he'll say no, that he just wants to spend time with me at home. I love to get out of the house, but my son takes after my homebody husband.

@winniebee: yep!! totally agree--she is the one who made me realize that I need to expect my 3 year old to act, like a 3 year old, basically--aka like a crazy person

@Foodnerd81: Toddlers are the best except they can really suck sometimes. - so so true, this is going to be my new mantra.

To the OP - I understand your feelings completely. And you've gotten a lot of great advice. I wanted to add that I grew up with parents who had very short fuses and expressed their frustration with my siblings and I in ways that were completely inappropriate - not abusive, I don't think, but similar to what you're describing - screaming, holding grudges, lots of anger, etc.... It was incredibly confusing for me as a little kid and frankly, I never got over it and although I speak with my parents regularly, we don't have a meaningful relationship at all because I learned early on that I couldn't trust them with my feelings. Fun fact, I completely inherited their short fuse and temper and my toddler pushes my buttons all the time. I continually have to remind myself that I am the adult and am supposed to have control - sometimes I lose it and find myself being bitchy with her and i literally have to walk away and swallow whatever negative feelings I am having towards her and the situation and not return until I am calm and collected (insert screen time here). Even if I am still annoyed/angry/frustrated, I will plaster a smile on my face and fake it until I make it, so to speak. It's not perfect and I'm not perfect but having been on the other side, I try my absolute hardest to make sure that she doesn't feel what I felt growing up. Good luck, parenting a toddler/preschooler is no joke.

@irene: Also, just to add in what makes me go crazy is my 17 month old and his eating habits. He has always been a slim, non-motivated eater, so it really shouldn't be a shocker at this point, but 1) because DH and I love food and love to eat, and 2) because I'm constantly worried about my son's weight gain, I'm constantly trying to parade a wide, tasty variety of things to pull on this taste buds. Once every 4-6 weeks, he has a growth spurt and eats wonderfully for like 3 days and I am in heaven, but the rest of the time, he just ignores his food, or motions for more of the stupid stuff, like cut up hot dog weiners, while the lovingly prepared pasta in the perfect finger-picking size gets ignored completely.

When I completely lose it is when he just FLINGS everything to the ground. Especially if its some kind of nutritious, delicious thing I researched on the Internet for hours and then spent like 45 minutes cooking, cooling, cutting into bite size pieces, and plating on a fun new plate, thinking SURELY he will find this appetizing. NOPE. Some days he just throws the plate outright. And then I shut down and I walk away and my husband feebly tries to feed him a banana or something.

@Foodnerd81: @ShootingStar: LOL swim lessons were like my biggest parenting disappointment to date. She finally loves them NOW that she goes in without us, and that was after 3 consecutive classes of screaming the entire 30 mins.