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I'm not sure how to approach your mother, but I would definitely discuss this with your doula and ask that she take an active role in managing your mom (like, "okay Mrs. ________, this is the point where we ask you to go out to the waiting room and you get to relax until we come and get you with the big news!")

Lie and say the hospital won't allow so many people in??? Heh. But yeah, asking the doula to take control of that would be helpful.

Would your mom even be open to books or anything? I once made such a suggestion to my mother, and she was oh-so-offended and horrified....and it did not go over well =\

Something is going to piss your mom off here. Just tell her what you're ok with and lay down the law. You're not going to be able to fight with her during labor. IF she can't respect your rules, she can come after. Not before.....etc. B/c she may just NOT LEAVE. The nurses will kick her out, tho! What are your expectations of your mom? Maybe just tell her explicitly what those are. she can take or leave it

I would just tell her how it is right now, and hopefully that will give her time to process and get over it.

@macintosh: Taxi for your DH?

This is also something that I had an issue with my mom. She didn't insist on being there beforehand, but I knew she wouldn't be able to help herself once I was in labor. I had my husband be sure to tell her not to come until after the baby was born. She was furious with me, but I only wanted it to be me and DH, and didn't want to have to deal with any drama of her needing to be kicked out of the room.

@macintosh: if she does that, you can call a taxi from the hospital! They always have them around and they are very used to transporting disabled people (they may actually have a special service at the hospital). This is an area your mom knows she has the upper hand so she'll use it against you. I always see handicap accessible transportation at the hospitals. Or the minivans...

There is no time like the present to be up front with her. You have been through a lot in the last few years and she needs to shut her yap and let this be about YOU, and YOUR family, and YOUR needs. She knows you need her help and it sounds like she's taking advantage of that. You still have time to show someone else how to get your DH up and out the door, is there a friend that you could ask to help you with that.

She's given birth before, but did she have her parents in the room for that? My mom was disappointed we didn't want her in the room, but when she looked at it from the perspective of a new mom, she realized that she wouldn't want her parents there either. That it should be a special moment between you and your DH.

@Macintosh: Ugh, do we have the same mom? I actually did as @Blackbird suggested. I told her it was hospital policy to limit the number of people in the delivery room, which they do. Only it's 2 plus the partner for vaginal birth, and the partner only for a ceasarean. She did make some passive aggressive comments about my aunt being allowed to be there for my cousin's deliveries, which I ignored until they stopped. But really, I'm with you in just wanting DH there.

My mom flew in a few days ago so she would be here for the birth, even though she won't actually be in the room. Couldn't avoid that one, but at least she won't be stressing me out during labour. For whatever reason her sisters all want updates on how my labour is progressing. I'm letting DH handle that, although his first job is to support me, not be running back and forth. Anyway, just wanted to to say I commiserate with you on the mom adding to the normal stress of labour. And I don't have the added worry of arranging for transportation for my DH.

I'll keep an eye out for any articles. I've been passing along to my mom everything that I learned from my prenatal class and hospital tour and asking her questions about how her experience was different. Having that dialogue, and talking about how I plan to have DH help (with massage, counterpoint, etc.) I hope has made her see how roles and labour practices have changed over the years. I have gotten a lot of remarks about how strange it seems to use a jacuzzi or shower and birthing ball for pain management and relaxation. Between that and my little white lie, she's better accepted her role as a non-participant in my labour and delivery. Perhaps start there and explain the purpose of a doula? Good luck!

@macintosh: I'm worried that if you're worried now, how will you feel DURING labor if she is stressing you out? I never labored - I had two planned sections - but I remember from our birth class that you should be calm and stress-free during labor!

I don't think its unreasonable for you to want DH there during your labor and delivery. It's your right and your medical procedure, and you aren't responsible for anyone's feelings if they're dissatisfied with your birth needs/wants.

You could explain that you want the delivery to be an intimate moment shared between you and your husband only, and you want time alone to meet and bond with your new baby. She'll be welcomed to visit shortly after the birth and will get plenty of new baby snuggles.

@Truth Bombs: I disagree with the doula part - because I view a doula as a medical professional, not another family member. So while the doula is elective, they're working for you, they're being paid, they're for you. They aren't there to oogle to new squish!!

@macintosh: could you check with the hospital and see if they have any car services that they work with that will be able to accommodate your husband's needs as well as possibly offer a discounted rate.

@Truth Bombs: thanks for the clarification!! I stand corrected. It looks like I was wrong about the definition/description of doula!

OP, you could just play dumb like me and say they're a medical professional if your mother objects.

@macintosh: I wish I could say quickly, but she still brings it up 2.5 years later. My mom holds grudges and unfortunately started WWIII with me after I let her know I wasn't cool with her insisting that she was retiring to watch LO full time.

Now that I'm pregnant with #2, she's again insisting that she's retiring, and I need to nip that in the bud before LO #2 arrives. The last thing I needed with a colicky baby was my mother causing me a huge amount of stress, and I don't want that this time around.

I'm really sorry that you're going through all of this. This is 100% not something that you should have to deal with as you're nearing giving birth! Is there any possibility of a friend assisting with your DH? I know it's super tough when you have to rely on someone and they use that to their advantage.

No advice, but wow, you're a saint! This is your moment, not hers. She really just needs to get over it.

@Truth Bombs: I have to disagree that beause her mom helps she shoul give in to her moms wishes to be in the room. She need to be upfront about her boundaries and her mom needs to accept them! Her mom shouldn't be helping out in order to get anything in return , and if she is then that's a problem. At the end of the day this is a medical procedure and no one should be present that she isn't comfortable with.

OP - would it help if you tell your mom that right now you do not want her in the room but you realize you might change your mind? That way yoi set the boundary but give her hope it may change. I hope in the moment If she doesn't get to be present that she woulnt start drama, but you know her best!

I can't reiterate enough how important setting boundaries is. This is only the first of many potential boundary issues you will have after baby arrives. Set the precedent now!