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I'm surprised at how many people say that boys don't get the same treatment.
I have 3 sons. Two of them are older (7&10) and my biological son is 1 year. I have never once heard a stranger say that my son was smart or clever or would be a strong sports player.
The only comments my son gets are "he is so handsome", "look at his beautiful eyes", "oh my goodness he is just adorable/cute/precious/lovely".
Neither of my two step kids have ever gotten comments about smarts or cleverness (which they are to both). But we have managed to get incredibly awkward comments of "cute like your mom".
I agree with @keepcalmcarrie: , That is all they see/know of my kids, poor them.
I dressed and acted like a tomboy but I freaking LOVED barbies and pretending to be a princess in the privacy of my own home. No one taught me one way or the other, it was just what I liked and did. I'm actually much more girly in my adult life than I ever was as a child.
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Not to be a downer, but I'd caution every parent who thinks it's better to call a girl "smart" than "beautiful." Telling a child (not just a girl) "you're so smart" can actually have negative affects. Do a quick google of "person vs. process praise."
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Beautiful is such a wonderful word and I would never want to omit that word from our household forever. I want her to know how beautiful she is just as she is, no matter what the beauty trend is at the time. I will also emphasize the importance of being strong, independent, smart, and kind and give high praises of her character but not to the point of exaggeration. It's also nice to hear compliments from strangers every once in a while. They will only go by the outward appearance because that's all they have to go on. A polite "thank you" will be our response.
I will also teach my daughter that inner beauty and kindness are also very important and necessary. I hope to teach her that 1) beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and also 2) beauty is as beauty does.
As far as princess toys and barbies, if DD gravitates towards that, we will definitely accommodate her requests within reason and within budget. I view it as a fun pastime and her childhood toys won't define her character.
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@cmomma17: I Googled...I think I have a firm grasp on how to give praise now. Even the "beautiful" comment could get a face lift. "You look pretty with purple socks." This would be said to a child who normally wore miss matched socks. A+ for me?
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This kind of seems like it could tetter into yet another mommy-war topic. I think the writer took a few of the things she's cites out of context a little bit.
Like the OP mentions, everything in moderation. There's no reason to ban the word beautiful, but if parents shouldn't focus on one just one aspect of their children.
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I have boys, but if I had a daughter I would tell her she is beautiful. I think it's good for self esteem, and I day that as an awkward kid who didn't hear it much!
I do tell my boys they are handsome. I think they deserve to hear it too.
Slightly different, but sometimes I get kind of tired how much people praise my kid. I was thinking about how annoying it would be as an adult. Like if you asked a friend to go shoot hoops and they commented after every single one. Or if you were in a book club and you wanted to talk about the plot and everyone just said good job for reading it.
When my son is playing, I notice he doesn't want to talk about how well he kicked the ball. He wants to talk about his far it went, or if there are clouds, or what color the grass is.
I just want my kids to know they are loved unconditionally. Not because they are handsome or smart or anything. And I want them to feel confident in all of their abilities
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@cmomma17: yes, thank you for commenting!
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@cmomma17: This is really interesting and something I would like to use with my students, thanks for sharing!
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@cmomma17: I'm glad you mentioned that here!
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@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: I have to be honest, you totally lost me with the socks example
And my step kids wear mismatched socks every day, it's the in thing apparently!
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@cmomma17: thanks for your post. I often say things like, 'You're so strong,' and it would be easy to reframe it to, 'You're really trying hard,' or whatever.
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Meh. My daughter's looks, conventionally good or bad, will be commented on by everyone who passes through her life. It's the way of the world right now, like it or not. I figure I can be one person who doesn't. I don't have any hard and fast rules, and I am not anti words like beautiful, awesome, amazing (that have multifaceted connotations) but I am doing my best to not talk about her attractiveness or weight. Frankly, my relationship with my mother would be waaaaaaaay better if she never, ever commented on my looks again, lol.
The comments about Dad's being an influence were very interesting to me, especially the Bernie Mac thing. Haha, Bernie Mac, my new parenting guru!
And my step kids wear mismatched socks every day, it's the in thing apparently!
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