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@Cherrybee: I don't know if this helps since I know you want them to enjoy her now while they are little, but I didn't really like my Nana until I was older. It might be the same way with your mom?

My Nana was very controlling and definitely not a person that enjoyed children. Until we reached adulthood, we did visit with our parents but we never really wanted to do so.

But when I became an adult, I adored her. She was hilarious, spunky and awesome, and we became very close until her death a few years ago. It was just unfortunate she couldn't handle children, and my LO only met her once and all she said is that he cried too much.

@Cherrybee: First of all I'm sorry o hear that, it would sting for me too. As a suggestion, what about something like a trip to the zoo where the focus is less on interaction and more on the animals and experience and the interaction could follow? And also for what it's worth, my daughter went through a long stage of saying "I don't like X" when she meant "I prefer Y." She didn't mean it as harsh as she said it. And for a long time she said "I don't like daddy!" even though she was always laughing and having fun when daddy was around. But she had a huge mommy preference so she would say that.

@Cherrybee: it sounds like you fully understand why your daughter wouldn't like her and are doing what you can to keep the opportunity for a relationship open. I don't think it is helpful for you to frame this as a bigger problem bc she is "the only family" you have. Your DH's family is your family too now!

I can understand how you feel bc my MIL has severe depression and is not much of a grandmother to my LO consequently. Obviously I realize that must be harder being your own mom, but I would just keep doing what you are doing and but accept that it might never get better.

@Cherrybee: It's really difficult to forge a relationship with someone who so clearly doesn't want one. I say this as someone who has a mom who is a little like yours. Everything turns around to be about her. While she's not homebound like your mom, she pushes everyone away. I asked her and my dad to watch the boys for a funeral on my DH's side, and for 2 hours, she had my dad hang out with the boys while she cleaned my house. I didn't want you to clean my house...I wanted you to spend time with your grandchildren. She very much enjoys the idea of grandchildren, but can't stand actually spending time with them.

Similar to your inlaws, my inlaws spend a ton of time with the boys and my MIL will find special activities for them to do together. She is truly someone who enjoys being a grandparent and enjoys her grandchildren. I try to look at it not as my kids not being close to my family, but gaining a family in my inlaws. The boys are so lucky to have such loving grandparents in my inlaws, and so are your girls. It's ok that your daughter doesn't enjoy time with your mom just like it's ok that my kiddos don't really enjoy time with my parents. Don't force something that isn't there, or you'll find your daughter is vying for some sort of approval from your mom. I did that my entire life with my mom and I'm 36 and still don't have it. It's tough to go 36 years without hearing that your mom is proud of you, and I imagine the same would go for a grandmother. Lots of love, and let me know if you need to talk more!

@SLR: I was going to suggest the same thing! I have often used this kind of technique with families (I'm a therapist) when verbal communication is challenging. Since she's close by, it could even be a short tv show that they watch together as a ritual if you don't want a ton of screen time. (and if she wants to buy things for LO, she can buy things related to a show/movie they've watched together. That would create another layer in the relationship)

Along the same lines as the tv suggestion, does your mum have an outdoor space where your LO could play and your mum could watch out the window or something? I have several people close to me who struggle with anxiety and depression and it's tough. It's doubly hard when it's a parent and you just wish the relationships could be more positive.

@Cherrybee: I thought that might be the case! It's hard, I know. It sounds like you are doing the best you can. I do like the FaceTime suggestion. I also sometimes just take silly little videos of my kid doing things and text them to my ILs who don't see LO often. Just 30 sec of him blowing bubbles, building a tower etc

I also set up a private YouTube channel and uploaded all our videos there so family could watch when they wanted. If E is a show off you can say "lets make a tv show for Nanna so she can watch you when she misses you because she's sick!" Have E direct things to your mom on the video like play tea party and say "can you make Nanna a cup of tea since she's feeling poorly?" Like incorporate your mom as a pretend character. My son literally tries to feed my dad food over FaceTime (my dad says thank you and pretends to chew) and then DS will hug and kiss the iPad to say bye to my dad.

@cherrybee: so sorry you're dealing with this. I'm not sure this is going to make things better in the short term, but maybe try to take a long view of this?

I had a grandma growing up who was... just not that fun for kids. Didn't like playing, had a ton of house rules, was really rigid about how things should be done. She had underlying anxiety and, I don't know, selfishness issues. She wasn't, like, harmful to be around, I just never really enjoyed spending time with her. But my mother always told me that she was my grandmother and it was important to see her and have a relationship with her. And as an adult, I think that was a valuable lesson to learn - that I could put aside being 100% entertained and catered to in order to build a relationship with someone in my family, who did care about me in her own way, even if it wasn't the way I preferred.

Maybe your 4 year old won't always be thrilled to spend time with nanna, but you may end up with a 10 year old who knows something about being compassionate and kind to someone who needs it.