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oh my I am so sorry! Can you try talking to him, or do you think that would make it worse? There was a show called polyamory and I watched it with some friends.. so confusing!! I don't get it. Do you believe your brother actually knew from the beginning and was okay with it?

Hugs

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry! It's hard to know whether to be supportive or protective in a situation like this where he's saying he's happy but your gut tells you otherwise.

Have you ever heard of Dan Savage? He writes a blog and has a podcast (here's the link: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove) and he coined the term "monogamish" and he also talks about polyamory and open relationships a lot.

Personally I would not ever be ok with this kind of agreement, but you'd be surprised how much more common it is than you'd think. That being said, I think you're right to be looking out for your brother, especially where this is his first real relationship.

I know a few people who are polyamorous and I believe it works best when both people are poly. For one couple, their adventures in poly led to divorce, for another couple, they *seem* to have a great relationship and one of the partners says it's the best relationship she's ever been in (I don't know all the language but I know she has a primary partner and then a boyfriend).

I wouldn't call it cheating because your brother knows about it. This is such a tricky situation because you want to be there for your brother, but you also think this girl is taking advantage of him. But the thing is--did anyone think she was taking advantage of him prior to the announcement that she is poly? I wonder why they decided to tell now.

You go to the wedding because he's your brother. You can still let your brother know how you feel but he's probably going to do what he wants to do regardless of how you/your parents feel. Maybe this is something he's actually okay with and you'll need to get used to it because this girl is about to be his wife and may be around for a long time. Or maybe he ends up not being okay with it, he'll need you guys if it ends.

I think if you want to continue to have a good relationship with your brother, it's worth your time and energy to try to understand a little more about polyamory and why it might work for him and his girlfriend. Would you be willing to read a book or two on the subject? There are lots of books and websites that can probably help you understand how lots of different types of couples make it work for them. Also, if your brother and his girlfriend brought it up to your parents, it sounds like it's something they want to be open about, and I'd imagine they'd be receptive to answering questions about it (as long as they're posed in a non-judgmental manner).
I agree that if one partner does not want to be in an open relationship, and has agreed to it only to keep the other person there, that doesn't sound like a sustainable plan, but I don't think you'll really know that until you ask.
(I also don't blame you for being weirded out, I feel like while I do honestly get why open relationships work for people, I'd still be weirded out if my sister was like "so, I have multiple serious boyfriends!" or something)

I could understand the "to each their own" attitude until you got to the point about the support. It just sounds too crazy that she's relying on him to support her, benefit from your parents, but not be committed to him. I would be really worried that she would take advantage and then leave.

This is a hard situation to understand when you come from a monogamous belief system. I have a friend who has a "open relationship" and she helped me see her side of things. While I wouldn't do it, it gave me some insight into the other side.

My friend and her now fiancé agreed on a equally open relationship from the start. They were both open to see other people, but he was the only one that ever did. She said she was happy knowing she could, but could never bring herself to do anything with anybody else. Her basic argument was she wanted him to CHOOSE to come home to her and be with her, not feel like he HAD to be with her or feel stuck with her. He was choosing to put up with her through thick and thin knowing what else was out there. There were "rules" that they agreed upon, the main one being they both had to know about the other people. Just FYI: She is also the main financial provider.

My DH thought this guy must be a complete douchebag when he heard about this, and hated this guy at first. Then we hung out and DH and him actually have a lot of common interests and they are now friends. We are going to their wedding in May. They have been together I think 6-7 years? I think they have "closed" their relationship somewhat, but it is an ongoing discussion they have.

My point is, they are happy, and we've learned to accept it. We wouldn't do it, but we can't judge them for what they do. The fact that your brother is comfortable enough to tell your parents makes me feel like he IS comfortable with it, because I think anyone would be hesitant to tell their parents about that. I think being there for him and maybe trying to understand his beliefs for why he is ok with it may help you! Sorry for the novel, hope that helps!

I think you should just sit down with your brother and tell him your thoughts. No judgement, and remind him that you support him. Just tell him you want to make sure that he's truly happy in this situation and that he sees himself being able to continue to be happy like this for the rest of his life (he may think this is something she'll outgrow but he should assume it will be like this forever). I would just focus on the "sitatuation" rather than the girl (ie, don't say something like you can find someone better) because then he'll get defensive of her and he won't have an open an honest discussion with you.