Poor E. She's so unsettled of late - whiney, clingy, crying at drop-off. She really isn't happy about the impending arrival of baby sister. I asked her yesterday what she thought we should name baby sister and she replied "nothing", then added "she cant have my bunbun (lovey)". Oh dear.
So tell me all your stories. The good and the bad. Was your child very unsettled? What did you do to smooth the transition? What did you wish you had done?
cantaloupe / 6397 posts
My DD is upset that baby is a boy... when we ask "what should we call your baby brother?" she says " a girl" lol
grapefruit / 4085 posts
@sslm: M keeps saying she's having a sister too. Sorry, but you'll only ever have a brother. 
Due in a few days and hoping all goes well!
kiwi / 597 posts
DS (2.5) did surprisingly great with the transition. Towards the end of my pregnancy I bought him a couple big brother books, and we talked about how he's going to be mommy and daddy's special helper. We've tried making a big brother seem like a fun, super important job, and I believe that's helped a lot. I'm also careful not to say things like "I can't play with you right now because I have to feed the baby" because I don't want him to resent her. Instead I'll say "sure I'll play with you after baby sister has her bottle, do you want to help me"? Congratulations on your pregnancy and best of luck!
cantaloupe / 6630 posts
A was actually fine in the end, but what she did crave, was attention from me. There had been so much of me not being able to play, run, pick her up etc, through pregnancy. It was hard with the c-section to change those things quickly, but I did the odd outing with her to Starbucks and she loved it (probably the cake pop more than anything, but still 
). Just sitting with her to read books while someone else had the baby was good for her. I think most of her bad behaviour was connected to needing more attention.
cherry / 196 posts
My LO became super clingy right before the baby was born. He started sleeping with us and almost 9 months later, he's still in bed with me, while the baby is in her crib. The only thing we did before baby's arrival was read books about him getting a little sister. What actually got him the most excited was a really nice present (firetruck) that we gave him at the hospital that we told him was a present from his sister. He loved it and then completely didn't pay attention to the baby. Each kid is different, but he's actually been very sweet with her overall.
grapefruit / 4819 posts
Well, it could just be that our situation was a bit unique in that we started packing up our house for our big international move when DD1 was 21 months and DD2 was about six weeks old, buuuuut.......for us, it took about 15 months before DD1 stopped actively disliking her baby sister, and another 6 months before she started occasionally enjoying her company, and another month or two before they became the best of friends. We're there now though!
I was always so jealous when I would see people's posts about siblings loving each other and being so nurturing etc, because we were so far from that. DD1 was never mean to her sister, or ever intentionally hurt her, but she just did not like having her around. There was a marked difference in her mood when DD2 was awake vs when she was sleeping, etc. Even in those early days when we first brought DD2 home from the hospital, DD1 showed very little interest in her - she was just not excited to have a baby sister in the slightest.
We showered DD1 with attention, probably to the point where poor DD2 was on the back burner more often than she should have been, but it just didn't make any difference. Of course with our move, DD1 was majorly unsettled for a few months whilst DD2 was oblivious, so I'm sure that prolonged the period of animosity as well....
For us, it all changed when DD2 became more interactive and independent. She hit every milestone super early so by 15 months or so, she was walking, talking, playing somewhat interactively, and just obviously hero worshipping her big sister. E started to mellow around then, and now, at 3.5 yrs old and 24 months old, they really are the best of friends - they look for each other whenever the other isn't around and play well together about 3/4s of the time.
So the whole point of this long post is just to say that sometimes the eldest is just not going to take to their sibling straightaway and that's ok. As long as they're not hurting the baby, I think that they sometimes just need time, some more so than others, before they warm up to the idea. We were joking that we had a Mary/Edith situation on our hands (Downton) but it is so different now.... Good luck!
honeydew / 7917 posts
LO did really well and was excited for the arrival of his baby brother. Even the visit at the hospital went surprisingly well. Then we came home, and it all fell apart. LO was so jealous and couldn't figure out these feelings that were taking over. He noticed we were giving so much attention to the baby, and he went upstairs in his room and cried. So heart breaking. We had to reassure him that he is very important in our family and that things would be changing a little bit. What helped the most was getting him involved. He loved helping me with the baby, and he was so proud of the little things he could do to help me.
eggplant / 11716 posts
I realize I have an adaptable child when it comes to this stuff, but it was a breeze.
One thing is that I *didn't* talk up the arrival of the baby all the time. I've noticed with my LO that the more I talk about something, the worse she reacts to something. Like if I wake her up saying "Don't you want to go to school today? Let's get ready for school!", she'll immediately rebel and say she doesn't want to go to school, doesn't want to get dressed. Whereas, if I just wake her up, get her dressed, do her hair....and then take her to the car without comment, she doesn't rebel about the process and just goes along with it. So I treated having a baby the same way. I didn't talk about how mom and dad would be gone, and that we were going to come home with a baby, or any of that.
She was super excited to see her baby sister in the hospital and hasn't had any big tantrums at all afterward. I think she was a little clingier for a couple of months, but in a sweet way and I was happy to cuddle her more. Now, she's totally back to normal and they LOVE being around each other. The baby just lights up when older sister is around, and as soon as I pick up older sister from school, she wants to go get the baby.
LO1 is generally very sweet to her baby sis and will mimic me, "It's okay baby. Don't cry. Mama's coming. Are you hungry? You want milky?"
Now that LO2 is interested in toys, the only issue we have is that LO1 will steal toys right out of LO2's hands, which makes her cry, but that's a very new development.
honeydew / 7235 posts
Baby brother is only about 5 months old, so we're still figuring things out, but we've had a bit of a rough go.
I'm not sure he "got" it before the baby arrived at all, I mean, it's a tough concept to grasp. We read A LOT of books to try to prep him, but, not sure it did much.
One thing I wish we did differently - the time I was away to give birth and recover in the hospital (which was only 2.5 days) was tough on him. (it didn't help he was sick)... but I wish we prepped him more about his Meme coming and staying, and that Mommy would be away then back. he was really upset about that.. I sent DH home as often as possible and had him be there to put him to bed, and be there at wakeups to help since he wasn't doing well. He just knew something big was happening. So that was good. I was fine in the hospital with the baby on my own - I'd rather DH was home, we were lucky that the hospital was only about 15 minutes from home.
Oh, and the visit at the hospital was a bit of a disaster, I really wanted to see LO, but he didn't react great to seeing me there, then having to leave 
We tried to keep things as normal as possible at home - LO 1 went to daycare every day as usual, and I tried to give him as much time as I could just me & him.
But, LO clearly started acting out both in school and at home. He especially hated when I was feeding the baby, so I would try to do it out of his sight. DH has definitely stepped up in terms of caring for LO 1, he does pretty much everything with him in the evenings, and got him out of the house a lot.
I remember the early days getting really mad at LO 1 a lot, which was hard & stressful. I hadn't anticipated my feelings of anger towards him in dealing with the baby (roughly) and acting out obviously trying to gain my attention. It was helpful to me to constantly remind my self that his world was just turned upside down. Someone on HB shared a Janet Lansbury article about new siblings that helped immensely, and I read it often, to help reset my expectations. I'm not really sure anything could have been done in advance of the baby arriving since how could you know how things would unfold? I think reading up on strategies for dealing with it would be beneficial.
Also - I think having your DH know he may need to help more would be a good conversation as well, especially in the beginning if you're nursing (which I believe you are going to try this time!)...
Anyway - I'm rambling. Now that baby bro is almost 5 months things are MUCH better, LO 1 really loves his brother and it's SO sweet to see, he always includes him and wants to know what he's doing.
When i was on maternity leave I kept saying to people, oh the baby is EASY, its the 3 year old giving us a tough time!
pineapple / 12053 posts
We watched all the Daniel tiger episodes about being a big sibling, read books and talked about it a lot. She got her big girl bed a couple weeks before and she loved it (sister just started sleeping in the crib last week so it wasn't crib/toddler bed to big bed and then sister taking crib). She was/is obsessed with her and we had to work on not smothering with love her actually. She definitely had jealousy but I'm very aware to tell DD2, okay, you'll have to wait, I'm helping DD1 right now! I try to not blame things she can't do on baby.
pomegranate / 3601 posts
We did a lot of talking and reading about it and tried to really give him as much attention as he was craving. Also once baby was there we made sure to have 1:1 time and to change his routine as little as possible. We had a really smooth transition but DS was younger than E is now.
papaya / 10570 posts
@yin: This made me cry. 
I don't mind if she doesn't adore the baby, I just cant stand the thought of her being sad.
pomegranate / 3127 posts
DS did great with the transition. He threw a couple big tantrums when I couldn't do stuff that used to be part of our routine because I had to feed the baby, but we were careful to tell him stuff like "it's because daddy can do this too" not "I can't because of the baby." And I tried to treat them both equally... it sounds silly, but I'd tell DD "please stop crying and wait a minute, I'll come right over" Not that she understood or listened of course, but I was worried that if I don't say something, DS would make the connection that if you scream loud enough, mommy drops everything and scrambles, and then it would be total chaos
I think in the end it wasn't anything I did or didn't do though... it just helped that DS is very laid back and has been helping with babies in day care, and that the two of them adore each other 
I hope things go very very smoothly for you!!! And even if there's lots of jealousy at the start, I've seen so many kids grow out of it and become the best buddies!
pomegranate / 3845 posts
@Cherrybee: I'm worried about this too. We've hit the brunt of the threenager phase and I don't think he's going to react well to having a sibling. There's so much turmoil coming his way anyway, with a new school, surgery, new therapists, etc., I just don't know how he will respond. Will E go to nursery/your ILs while your on mat leave?
wonderful grape / 20453 posts
E actually did really well, but didn't like sharing me much. That being said, she was 2, and I feel like she'd be a lot more affected now than she was then! But she's absolutely obsessed with him now and they play together so great. The adjustment took about a month maybe? Even now, she will NOT share her things-which is fine, but we work a lot on "can you bring him a toy?" And I have separate baskets for his stuff vs her stuff, which hopefully helps?....
apricot / 382 posts
DD was 21 months old when DS was born. I was so nervous and I had a hard time with worrying I would traumatize her. She ended up doing really well! Some of things we did to help her were..
1. We didn't have her come to the hospita . I was concerned that the hospital setting would be a bit scary and I didn't want her associating that with baby, or thinking that baby was making me stay somewhere scary.
2. I didn't carry the baby into the house when we got home. DH carried him and I immediately spent time with her. I held her while DH introduced baby. Baby also brought her some new toys.
3. I made sure to have a basket of new fun toys for nursing. This allowed her to do something fun and focus on that while I needed to focus on baby. I think it helped her not to feel left out.
4. I made sure not to ever say we couldn't do something, or she had to wait etc because of baby. I would always come up with another reason.
I hope some of these ideas help and it all goes well.
cantaloupe / 6885 posts
I was REALLY worried because dd1 is the first grandchild and has had 200% of every adult's attention in her life. When my sister came home to visit us with her new baby, C was super jealous. I couldn't hold or feed the baby without C crying and saying "no mommy hold baby!". I was 7 months pregnant at the time so I was preparing for the worst.
But it was the most seamless transition ever! She was so excited to be a big sister, never once showed an ounce of jealousy and loves on her baby sister all day long. I can't even believe it's the same kid. But I'm so thankful !
Some things that might have helped:
baby was in the bassinet when C came to visit us so I could focus all my attention on her.
There was a baby doll waiting for her in the hospital to take home, swaddled and in a little bassinet just like her sister. She still loves this doll and I overhear her saying "remember when I got you from the hospital baby?"
I bottle feed (obviously not an option if you're nursing) so I would let DD feed the baby every so often. She loved helping. DH and I switched feedings so the other could play with C
I kept her in daycare, but dropped her down to 3x a week. She loves spending the extra days home with me, but was able to keep a bit of her normal routine and see her friends.
blogger / persimmon / 1231 posts
I think each child is so different. For us it was a smooth transition and though she missed some attention she never directed that towards the baby. I think keeping with your normal routine and still working in one-on-one time with the eldest will help. Even with challenges it will even out 
GOLD / wonderful pea / 17697 posts
DD is 10 weeks old and (so far) we've had a shockingly easy go of it. When I was pregnant we talked with E a lot about what it would be like to have a baby in the house. Like "when baby sister comes home she's going to cry a lot because she doesn't have words like you do, because you're such a big boy" "we have to carry baby sister because she can't walk like you do, because she's not big like you" "baby sister will be eating special baby milk from mama's breasts, because she doesn't eat big boy food like you" etc. and mama would sometimes have to pay attention to her more because she was a baby. He's full on in "I can do it because I'm a big boy!" right now, so this works very effectively for us (for a lot of things).
Then we tried to tie in things like "but when she's a little bigger she'll be able to play with you/take a bath with you/talk to you" etc. and how DD was going to be HIS baby sister.
He did fine with me being in the hospital and D staying with me there (I had a C-section). When he came into the room to meet her he screamed "Is that my baby sister???" When she's crying we ask him things like "Why do you think baby sister is crying?" and he'll say "I think her diaper is wet" and we'll try to involve him with "can you be a big helper brother and get me a diaper/wipe/throw this one away?"
And I try to find time for him. I'll hand her off and he and I will make cookies on the weekend, or I'll spend some time at night just rocking with him and talking and telling him I know it's hard when I have to pay more attention to her because she's so small and needs me. D, too...they do something special every week, just the two of them. Skiing, or roller skating, or a special bike ride. We talk a lot about how much she loves him (her first smile was for him...) and how much fun they'll have playing when she gets bigger like him.
Sorry, feeling more rambly than usual, thank you 4:30 wake-up...
wonderful clementine / 24134 posts
It was a breeze but she is very nurturing.
She has been so good with him and only mildly complains about times mommy can't do bedtime with her or whatever. But she was also 3, so i think she understood more about what a baby does and what it meant for our family.
grapefruit / 4066 posts
@hellobeeboston: yes to so much of this!
I second the Janet Lansbury article hellobeeboston mentioned, it was super helpful and gave insight into how their world was being turned upside down and how to handle it.
My LO was pretty good throughout my pregnancy, seemed excited about baby coming, etc. I was so nervous about her world being turned upside down so I tried really hard to prepare her- bought books, talked about it, talked about how mommy would be in hospital but I would come back, etc. But one thing I did not anticipate was the intense love and protection I would feel for the baby and how I would react to M when she would try to hurt him or act up. I remember reading on here once about how someone was so annoyed with their older LO and yelling at them all the time when they brought baby home and I just thought to myself "omg that's horrible! their poor older LO! I cant imagine ever feeling that way, I love M so much, etc" BUT little did I know, M started really acting up when we came home, probably trying to get attention or also maybe just figuring out how to cope with the baby. I found myself yelling a lot and I felt awful about it. I made it a point to start spending more 1 on 1 time with M and luckily DH could feed baby since he was bottle fed, so that helped. But, gradually things just got better, M got more used to having to share my attention and have baby around, and now she loves making him laugh and smile and it's just the cutest!!
pomelo / 5678 posts
Ours is coming up, but I just do my best to be positive and tell her she is getting a best friend. She seems to respond very well to it.
squash / 13764 posts
He was super excited about his baby sister leading up to her arrival. She was born and he was still really excited and positive--loved seeing her in the hospital, was happy when she came home. We had a great two weeks and then things got BAD. He started tantrumming horribly--huge screaming fits, being violent/aggressive, and he also started saying things like "I don't love you" "you don't love me" "I'm a bad guy". At first I didn't realize it was related to the baby, because itw as never directed toward her, but it TOTALLY was. I think he felt really rejected and angry toward DH and I. We just validated his feelings about being angry and sad and upset and talked about how being a big bro is hard and it's ok if he doesn't like his little sister or love her all the time, or doesn't like mommy and daddy, but we always love him. I would say things got better around 10/11 weeks, and now at 4.5 months he is SO sweet with her. Not to say he doesn't sometimes drive his cars on her fact and poke her in the eys, but he calls her "my sweet baby girl" and he sings to her and holds her and and it's just the sweetest.
squash / 13764 posts
@NovBaby1112: this is also very true. One of my friends who had a 2nd baby before we did told me that for the first 3 weeks she just wanted to be with the baby and wanted like snuggle in this little newborn world with her, away from the craziness of a toddler. I totally felt the same way. Unfortunately, I wasn't really able to do that, but if you are able to have a week or so where you can be mostly with the baby, and your older LO gets plenty of attention from someone else they love, then I think that would be great!
persimmon / 1363 posts
I think it's personality dependent. My LO reacted very very poorly. She's a mama's girl and really clingy, so it was an absolute nightmare. She very frequently tried to hurt the baby and still does 11 months later. We did all the things that were recommended - lots of one on one time, involved her in caregiving, I didn't get mad at her or make her wait, etc. But it still went badly. I put the baby in a carrier and then carried her around everywhere for about 6 months, lol.
wonderful cherry / 21504 posts
I think we are still working on the transition. On the plus side, C LOVES her baby sister so much. She always wants to look at her and help her and hold her. She really really loves her. Now that G is 10 weeks she loves looking at big sister too and sometimes if she is starting to cry, C runs over and puts her hand on her tummy to soothe her and G stops crying and stares at her big sister. Completely heart melting.
However, C definitely feels the lack of attention from me. She been having loads of tantrums, defiant behavior, and she wants absolutely nothing to do with Daddy lately.We tried to have him do more in the months leading up to baby, but maybe should have tried harder. She is freaking exhausting. It absolutely helps when we have a lot of one on one time, like when the baby takes good naps and I can really focus all my attention on C, but it's not always possible when I'm home with both of them. So we are trying to make a point of me having some special one on one time with her on the weekends, plus DH doing some fun special things with just her. I'm hoping that will help. I also try really hard to remind myself that she is adjusting as much as we are. It's been really tough.
But I am glad her bad behavior is directed at me and DH and she doesn't seem to hold it against the baby.
grapefruit / 4455 posts
My daughter did go through a clingy phase while I was pregnant, but by necessity has become more attached to her (new this year) preschool teachers and her dad! We talked a lot about what life would be like post-baby, and she did act out a little but never was aggressive toward baby brother. We focus on the things we are proud of with her and her new role and how important it is. And for us that is not just pumping her up, the things we are telling her are things we really believe. We had a lot of help with dd from grandma in the first couple weeks and her dad was home for a long time. (This is something we planned out since she was about 6 months!) Luckily we were also lucky in that for his first couple months, baby brother was very laid back and could spend a little while at his baby gym or napping, giving big sister a good amount of time too. We just took it day by day. It is a lot different than bringing home the first baby. It can be very frustrating but when I see my daughter try to comfort her brother, or how affectionate she is toward him, it just amazes me that they are both mine!! I know we have the sibling bickering to come, and we will have to navigate many things together as he starts talking and all of that, but in some ways having a sibling has brought out the best in dd!
persimmon / 1447 posts
F was 25 months old when baby brother came. I was so worried about jealousy from her because she is very much a mama's girl. She actually did really well. I made sure to give her plenty of one on one time. If I wasn't nursing the baby, I was with her. It's been a year now and she loves him so much and his is big protector!
grapefruit / 4712 posts
N was 16 months when E was born. The transition was rough but 2 years later they are great together. I was lucky enough to have help when E was born. We lived with my parents and they were able to give N loads of attention when I couldn't. N is a pretty mellow kid, which is good because E is not mellow at all.
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