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It sounds like you are doing everything you can. 4 is a tricky age to really be able to understand a different meaning for Christmas. We struggle with this in our own family, too. We just continue to reiterate what we feel the true meaning of Christmas is, and when DD1 (5) talks about all the presents, we say “yes! Presents are great fun to get and give, but what is Christmas really about?” And then we talk about giving, family time and our religious beliefs. For the most part she was parroting back. But just a few weeks ago we were walking into Disney and she said “mommy, I really love coming to see the princesses, but the REAL best part of Disney is our family time!” And she was very sincere. So I feel like all the dialogue that we have and that it sounds like you have with your daughter is sinking in. It’s just a hard concept for little ones to really grasp among the glitz and gifts of the season. ️ She will come to remember all the traditions you are working so hard at as the best part of the season as she gets older.

My view is that you have to look at the long game in this situation. What your child believes at the age of 4 isn't going to be what they believe at the age of 20 and you still have plenty of time to show them what you believe to be the true meaning of Christmas.

It's hard, but there is only so much humility one can expect from an almost 5 year old. I would find stories to read that reinforce giving and helping those in need. Also, to be sure to write thank you notes for what you have gotten.

Oh that would be so incredibly frustrating. I think in the long run your child will remember all the memories you are creating and will remember only a few of the gifts your in laws give. Don’t give up on what you are doing.

I agree with everything above you’re doing your best! We face a similar in law battle although lesser extent and sometimes it really gets to me. When my in laws come my son’s first question is what did you bring me? He does not ask my own mom that ... but we agree it’s not the hill to die on when it’s their love language.

Maybe it could help to have her help choose the activities your family does? And how Christmas at your house is done (foods, special things for the day, when and how presents are opened)? Honestly no idea if it would help but giving ownership is usually a good idea to get them on board. We have a bucket list of holiday activities, maybe you could write it out and let her choose what and when (as possible).

Also totally agree that this can change with age and there is SO much growing up that happened for my oldest in the past 2 years (she will be 7 in January). I think if you keep up what you’re doing you’ll see more payoff over time. My 3yo is ALL about gifts (all day every day if he could) but even though my 6yo still loves presents, she also loves all the other stuff for the season.

Did I write this? Because this sounds exactly like my in-laws. We ask, we beg and plead, we recommend experience gifts, my husband gets mad at them, but nothing changes. This is his mom's thing. There are so many gifts, she doesn't even see the kids open them - she just wants a crazy flurry of overwhelming gift opening on Christmas.

So, we pare down the gifts at our house to almost nothing. And we come downstairs together and spend Christmas morning together. And my parents give less toys and more practical items because they know what my in-laws do. Which isn't really fair to them either...but it's sure nice for us. And I get the kids involved in the GIVING part and hope that long term, our values make a greater impact than that crazy materialism.

I also wonder if its easier for a 4 year old to get excited about presents (tangible thing), but in the moment all of your traditions and activities are just as pleasurable for her? As in, she can't remember how fun those activities are since its been 10 months, but presents are a concrete thing she is regularly reminded of?

@Silva: all of this

One other quick idea that I'm not sure if anyone mentioned already, is being thoughtful about Christmas books you read. Most Christmas books focus on some of the more materialistic/commercial aspects of the holiday (ie presents). But there are some out there that focus on love, kindness, helping, etc. I know for my kid at least sometimes having something reinforced in a book helps him get it.

I didn't read all of the above responses but I wanted to say a couple of things. First, I think you're doing a great job at instilling in your child a sense of Christmas as being larger than just gifts, but I think at 4 or 5 it's hard to see that and understand a world that's larger than your own little bubble...and presents are exciting and shiny and fun. I would just keep doing what you're doing. I think volunteering is a great idea.

Also, I understand how you feel because my parents (my mom) is like this. She buys an insaaaane amount of gifts and I hate sounding/feeling ungrateful but it drives me crazy. I try to remind myself that this is her love language and it makes her happy. Like you said, it's not the hill I want to die on. But it does make me sad to think that my LOs might be more excited about their house on Christmas instead of ours.

maybe try some sort of family advent calendar this year? it could be focused on helping others/passing on kindness/giving/family connection. that might be a way to underscore what you feel is important to her because it will be every day for 4 weeks leading up to it. some of the activities could be as simple as watching a short youtube video on what other people in the world are doing to help others, difficulties others are facing (age appropriate), etc. and activities could include: writing a thank you card to someone, bringing her teacher an apple, hugging every member of your family three times that day, etc.

good luck!

I'm kind of the opposite. I am a huge gift giver. My family was lower middle class to upper middle class as I grew up, and they were not big gift givers. My parents were not really that into holidays either, and we moved around the country a lot so we were fairly isolated and holidays were a fairly low-key thing for us. In response my sister and I are really into celebrating the holidays XD We love to cook, bake, give presents, go to festivals, celebrations, etc.

Growing up my grandparents were absent for the most part (one of my biggest hopes for my daughter was to have a loving extended family), and the one grandma that did love us always gave us cheap gifts. Not that cheap gifts are necessarily bad, but she didn't put much thought or effort into it either, so it kind of felt like she was just giving us one because she felt like she had to. My godmother was fairly well off and she gave us the best presents. I could still tell you some of the gifts that she gave me growing up because her presents meant that much to me. I never felt that my godmother loved me more than my grandmother, but she did give much nicer gifts. As an adult I wanted to be like my godmother. I wanted to give really nice gifts, so it's what I do.

My parents give my daughter nice gifts, but nothing extraordinary. I'm fine with whatever. If they wanted to give her lavish gifts I would be okay with that too. Although she's only 21 months now, so that might change in the future. They are thoughtful gifts though, so I think it is a nice addition to Christmas and birthdays.

I spend months making or searching for the best gifts for friends and family because it makes me inordinately happy. I buy things throughout the year that I think they would like and store them away until Christmas or Birthdays. I used to crochet gifts with luxury yarn, but my bad shoulders and degenerating spine made it too difficult, so I had to stop My daughter is too young to really appreciate a homemade gift, but I did get her several ornaments last year, and will make a few for her this year. I bought her lots of gifts too, maybe too many XD I love the process of finding great gifts, buying them, wrapping them, and then giving them away, and I wanted to share it with my daughter. Although I guess the gifts are also for me since I'm the one that plays with her all day, lol.

I wouldn't judge a young child's excitement for presents as a character flaw. As a child I remember throwing a tantrum when I was about 4 years old because Santa gave my sister Prom Teen Skipper, which was a lot better than Hollywood Barbie. My dad wanted to cancel Christmas forever XD I think if you would have asked me what Christmas was about I probably also would have said presents at that age. I did grow into an extremely empathetic person though, perhaps too much in my teens and early 20s. Life has hardened me a bit, but when I was young I had a bleeding heart. I still remember telling my teacher that Christmas was about the birth of Jesus when I was like 8. I also used to pray to God every night that nothing bad would happen to anyone in the world. I would dedicate several minutes of silence to dead animals on the road. I buy food and dog food for homeless people and their dogs. I used to spend countless hours grammar checking other people's fanfiction just because I liked to help people. I also would spend hours helping people with complicated hip disorders navigate the complex web of specialized hip preservation surgeons as I've spent years having hip surgeries and consulting with top hip surgeons to fix my hips. Nothing extraordinary, but I would consider myself a caring person that likes to help others, especially family and friends. However at 4 I was still a brat that was overly excited about Christmas presents XD

Soooo, I think you are doing the right thing by showing your daughter the true meaning of Christmas. There are so many ways to show children kindness and empathy towards others. Just because she looks forward to presents on Christmas doesn't mean she lacks these qualities. I wouldn't panic or stress about the fact that she thinks it is about gifts or that your in-laws spoil her because she is only 4. Just keep instilling good ethics, empathy, and compassion on a daily basis and she'll probably turn into a wonderful person

Ha. We had this problem. Now we live cross country and still have boxes full of gifts coming. It’s so frustrating.

It sounds like you are doing a great job, trying to share your values.

Have you heard of the kindness elves? https://thekindnesselves.com sort of like a random acts of kindness advent, or elf on the shelf but with a focus on kindness? Lots of cards you can print out on Pinterest with ideas (bake cookies for a neighbour, smile at someone, write a list of things you love about a person and put them in a jar for a special gift, give coats to people less fortunate etc.). More ideas here https://theimaginationtree.com/25-ideas-the-kindness-elves/ You could easily change it to a toy you already own, and has been forgotten so it's not buying a new thing. It might be a way of focusing on giving and time together and help you feel like you are getting more of your values out there to counterbalance the gifts.