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@Paddington10: I'll put this out here first: I don't think you did anything wrong. We live in an urban area and many times I've left my kid in the car, locked, while I run groceries into my vestibule or up the stairs because I don't have another option. I can see the car 99% of the time.
Now from the perspective of the social worker she might have blown her top becuse she felt like she had to say something give her profession. What might have been perceived as anger might just have been frustration of her feeling she HAD to say something. I don't know. But I'd hazard a guess she does nothing about it
Don't feel bad. We take calculated risks in our lives every day. Yours was one that had infinitesimal risk of something happening and someone just happened to see and make a big deal about it. She blew the risk out of proportion based on the information you have given us.
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At my previous daycare the outside playground was right at the edge of the parking lot so I left the baby in the car while I was literally 4 feet away getting my older son at pickup. I didn't have to sign him out or collect his things, he was all ready to go. This situation was right on the verge of what I would consider acceptable though and if I had to go into the building or have a conversation with the workers I definitely would have packed the baby up in his stroller.
That said, I agree with the police officer who said you sound like an otherwise responsible parent just trying to get through the day. It's scary that this person chose to make an issue out of it but I guess if that is going to happen then you need to change your process so baby doesn't stay alone in the car.
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@avivoca: that is horrifying. How ridiculous to report you. Wow!!!!
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@Mrs. Blue: She was concerned because we didn't know if it had happened at school that morning and I knew it definitely wasn't there the afternoon before (we took a picture of it). I also know that she told CPS that it was a scratch and a bruise indicative of trauma, but the CPS worker verified that it was not, based on my photo and what she observed a day later. This particular doctor is new (just received her license a couple of years ago, this is her first job) and has a daughter just a few weeks younger than A.
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@avivoca: That is crazy. How upsetting to have to go through that!
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@avivoca: omg! that's crazy. something new for me to worry about with some of the over the top bruises my clumsy kids have given themselves! - I would never in my life think to be worried about that at doctor's appointment.
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Please don't feel bad - you didn't do anything wrong. She was most likely just trying to scare you. FFS, that women needs to chill out. People go on about "it takes a village" but they have no problems crucifying parents for leaving their kids in the car for a few minutes. If she was really that concerned and deduced you had gone in to get your kid, she should have waited by the car until you came out. There is no way i would reach out to this lady or apologize for my actions - you have nothing to be sorry about.
*Hugs*
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I'll be honest Ive left a sleeping baby in the car (running but without the keys in it) so I could pick up a kid from school. Its legal in our state and I feel comfortable that I can see my vehicle from where we pick up the kids.
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I personally don't do this but I also wouldn't freak out and someone who did. For what it's worth we recently got an email from our preschool asking parents not to leave babies in the car because in our state it is illegal and to ask an office person to watch the baby while you run to the classroom if you need help. So it seems like it's a fairly frequent occurrence and not an "OMG I can't BELIEVE a mother would do this!"
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First thing you need to do is find a way to complete your daily tasks without leaving your children unattended, especially in your vehicle. It's probably not what you want to hear, but I would report you and I'm NOT a mandated reporter. What you did was illegal because it's extraordinarily unsafe. Perhaps social services can help you manage your health and childcare; they're not just there to remove children from their homes!
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@azjax: Just FYI, this has already been discussed upthread, but it is not illegal in every state, particularly depending on the time the child is left in the car. OP posted a follow-up post that she called her local police department out of concern regarding the situation and they assured her that what she did is not illegal in her state & had someone reported these circumstances to them they would not have been concerned.
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@azjax: Wow, harsh! Why is is extraordinarily unsafe? She was in a parking lot of a school, the child was unattended for a few minutes? What is the inherent, imminent risk there? I would say the child is in more risk of harm from driving down the road in that car.
There's a whole lot of sanctimommy going on in this thread and people that would NEVER do that to their child *clutches pearls* It's not illegal in the OPs state, I don't see how the child was in imminent danger, I bet half the people in this thread would roll their eyes and tell this mom to figure out her own problems (if not to her face, then behind her back) if she asked them to stand by the car for a minute while she ran to get her child. This obviously isn't something that the OP does every day or something she would do just anywhere, and she weighed the risk of this SPECIFIC situation... I think she made a reasonable judgement call. If I happened upon the situation, I probably would have sat by and kept an eye on the car until mom came back, which sounds like it would have been a very short amount of time.
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I just checked my state and apparently it's not illegal where I live.
My mom used to leave me and my 3 siblings in the car for an hour or more when she ran errands. Oh, how times have changed!
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@kiddosc: Ahhhh yes, the ubiquitous sanctimommy calling out other (alleged) sanctimommies for having *clutches pearls* a different opinion. It was bound to happen at some point. Never change HB, never change.
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@Mrs. Blue: @kiddosc: don't care if it's not illegal in her area, I would still report it because it is a behavior that endangers a child. It's summer and cars get hot fast, the car could be hit in the parking lot and the child injured, the car or the child could be stolen, etc etc etc all of which are risks that do not have to be taken. Additionally, there is no way for me or any other parent to know how long the child has been left unattended by the time that I observe them, nor how long it will be until the parent returns. I won't know if the child was left purposely or on accident and both are indicative of a family that may need help/intervention. If the police and CPS conclude that everything is acceptable then great, that's what one their job functions​ is. It is not sanctimonious to say that I would be uncomfortable and report behavior that endangers a child, and I don't care how many long time posters want to pile on and disagree.
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@winniebee: I would be willing to wager that 99% of our parents left us in a car for some amount of time. I can remember my parents leaving me in the car because I was sleeping. When I got hot enough, I would wake up and come inside. Granted, I was old enough to get out of the car by myself at that point. I think because we all know about carseat deaths and because it is such a terrifying thing, the public response at this point is kind of over the top considering the probability of that risk occurring. I often wonder if people freaking out over someone literally running into their apartment, daycare, etc., actually takes away from the few situations where a child truly does need us to step in and get help.
To me the real risk is not the parent who intentionally leaves a kid in the car for a few minutes, it's the parent who drives to work without realizing the kid is in the car and goes to work for the day or who lacks the education to know that it's not okay to go shop for an hour while a young child is stuck in a hot car. I think we should focus more energy on developing alerts that make sure a parent knows a child is in the car still or that would alert parent/authorities when a child has been in a carseat over 10 minutes and the temp is at x degrees & educating the public about the risks. I don't know if that makes sense, but I just wish more effort & thought was put into those kinds of preventative measures instead of screaming at a mom in a parking lot or calling the police when you see a baby in a running car that is clearly okay. Now, I'm certainly not talking about the rare situations when someone sees a child that is clearly in distress and has been left alone & I also would be very careful where I chose to do that as I'm paranoid about someone seeing a running car and stealing it only to discover kids are inside. I don't leave my kids in the car not because I think it would be unsafe for 5 minutes but because I'm terrified of the exact situation OP is posting about.
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@azjax: I can certainly understand your discomfort, and confronted with the same situation, I would certainly wait and watch for a few minutes and if necessary go into the daycare to find out whose car it was. My post was specifically to your statement, "What you did was illegal because it's extraordinarily unsafe."
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@Mrs. Blue: okay let's argue semantics! The OP stated that leaving children unattended is not illegal unless it's for more than 10 minutes; how is the random observer supposed to know how much time has elapsed before they see the kid? How am I to know immediately whether or not the parent intended to abandon the child without waiting an unknown period of time for said parent to return? Besides, where this behavior is illegal it's for exactly the reason I stated so what is your point?
By the by, many reportable behaviors and observations are not reportable because that specific behavior/state is illegal, but rather because they can be indicative of abuse or neglect (which gets back to the spirit of my first post).
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@azjax: Just to play devil's advocate, wouldn't you give a fellow parent at your child's school the benefit of the doubt? Would you actually report a classmate's parent, without talking to them first, rationally? I think there's a difference between running into a school with a car parked at a school parking lot and observing a child in a busy shopping plaza parking lot or on a lonely street parked in front of a bar.
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@Mrs. Blue: You've brought up some excellent points and I appreciate your perspective.
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@Paddington10: I may not always confront the parent because that could become dangerous for me or my children, or I may not have an opportunity. You can justify what you did however you like, but I still think what you did was wrong and unsafe. You went in with a plan to be gone for a few moments, but what if something happened inside and you were delayed?
Rationally, I HAVE reported a parent from daycare without confronting him. He put his 2.5 year old son in the front seat of a top down Porsche and tucked the shoulder strap of the seatbelt behind his son's back and then burned rubber speeding out of the lot. Didn't have time to approach the man and his behavior to me was illegal and dangerous so I reported him, NO REGRETS.
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@azjax: you're scared of the parents at your preschool?
I don't do it but it is legal in our state and at my other child's preschool because of the layout parents would do it occasionally. It must have made the preschool uncomfortable bc they sent an email asking parents to stop doing it. That seems like a much more respectful way of handling it.
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@azjax: My point was simply that you said it's illegal and what she did (per her version) is not in fact illegal in every state. Just trying to make sure there isn't misinformation. I'm fine with a candid discussion of it it's okay or not, if it should be reported or not, etc. But I did want to make sure you or anyone who saw it does know that it is not illegal across the board in every state.
I agree that it's difficult as a passerby to know how long a child has been in a car. I think most of us would guess when a car is parked in a daycare parking lot at a typical pick up/drop off time, it probably hasn't been more than a few minutes. If I can see a child is in the car, I am also likely to be able to see if they are sweating, crying, or showing signs of distress. As an attorney, I am a mandatory reporter, & I would report that situation.
As a mother and a human who cares about the well-being of any child, I would absolutely call for help immediately in that situation. But I think giving each other a little bit of grace and help when the situation isn't at a dire point isn't the end of the world, either. As I said, in that situation, I would wait a few minutes & check with the daycare to see whose car it was & then make a decision what to do if the parent couldn't be located immediately. But you're free to report it immediately when you walk up to the car. That's your choice. Just like if you see a scratch on a child's ear like another poster mentioned, it's your choice whether to report it or not, even if I think it's a crazy assessment of the situation. In general, I think we all need to remember, though, that we each make decisions for our children based on an assessment of the degree of risk and the probability of that risk occurring. Some things you may do, I might not be be comfortable with choosing for my kids because either the degree of risk or the probability of that risk hits that threshhold of "not worth it" for me, but it doesn't mean you're doing something terrible or being a bad parent. I've never put a blanket in bed with my baby until they were over a year old because I'm terrified of suffocation, so it's too scary to me not to follow the recommendations precisely, but I know lots of great moms & dads who have put a loose blanket or lovey in the crib with their kids. Yes, it's a risk, but we can't avoid every single risk either. And I recognize that carseat deaths are a truly horrific and tragic thing, and as I said in my post to WinnieBee, I think we need to put a lot of effort into developing preventative measures, so I'm certainly not advocating for leaving kids in the car all the time or that it isn't an issue to be addressed. I just think maybe the response in some of the situations is a little excessive, but I completely understand that you disagree with me on that and that's okay!
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OP - glad you're feeling better about things!
Interesting discussion. I wouldn't leave my kid in the car to do anything beyond me being around the perimeter of the car, not because I think anything would happen to her, but because I'm afraid somebody would call the police. Reading a lot of these responses makes it clear my fears aren't unfounded. I think everyone finds the stories of babies being left in hot cars and dying horrific and unimaginable, but that is not even in the same arena as what op, and many other people do. I mean, I feel like a lo is way less likely to get hurt strapped into a carseat in a locked and climate controlled car for even 10 minutes, than in a household accident if the parent is in another room, which I'm sure everyone does one time or another. Maybe because people are so freaked out by those horrible stories, it's like we want to try and 'control' it with laws, even though the tragedies are mostly accidental.
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@Paddington10: I do not see how you did anything wrong. A baby is not in danger from being left in the car for a few minutes. They are safety strapped in their car seat, in a reasonably safe area, and I'm going to assume that the temperature was comfortable. I literally see no problem with what you did.
I will leave the baby in the car while I run my daughter into her dance class or do something like to go to the ATM. I do not feel that my baby is in grave danger if he is out of my sight for 30 seconds. I think that our society has gotten out of control with stuff like this.
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Just a thought about parenting and risks; life is a series of choices and all we can do is our best to minimize risks, we can never eliminate them. In this case the risk of kidnapping was probably infinitely small. The risk of the car being hit was the same as if the mom was still in the car when stationary. I'm a public health researcher and I can tell you there is no way to completely shield ourselves and our children from things that can hurt us. It's just not possible. For example, the car seats are safer than ever but most are not installed right. New research may come out to tomorrow that says pouches are statistically linked to an increased risk of cancer and all the kids who have devoured pouches may be at risk and there won't be a thing we can do.
OP, give yourself some grace. Try to move on.
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I am genuinely shocked by everyone beating up OP for leaving an infant in a car for one minute. There have been copious threads on this topic in the past and my strong impression was that general opinion was trending toward sanity, i.e. it's a completely normal thing to do and that children are put into far greater danger by nosy people calling the cops/CPS than they are by having to sit in a car for a minute.
Doesn't everyone remember this horrifying article?
http://www.salon.com/2014/06/03/the_day_i_left_my_son_in_the_car/ -
@PawPrints: Thanks for sharing. One thing really stuck out to me was that the MOST dangerous decision you made that day was get in the car and DRIVE with your children.
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@Paddington10: Just wanted to join the chorus of you did nothing wrong.
I came here to link to the article @PawPrints posted about a similar situation. We as a society have lost our ever-loving minds about what true danger/risk entails. I'm sorry this happened to you.
If I saw a kid alone in a car, I'd stand by it for at least a couple minutes to see if the kid seemed distressed or a parent was coming back soon and then call the cops if it seemed like they were truly in danger. That lady was totally out of line.
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@PawPrints: wow! That article is crazy! Thanks for sharing.
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Ugh, I'm sorry about some of the poorly delivered criticism you've received here. As others have said, we've all made bad parenting choices, even when we're all just doing the best we can in any given situation.
I left my LO in the car to run a box into the UPS store. It was less than 50 feet away, I could see the car the entire time, and I never even let the store door close behind me (it was 30-45 seconds, max). DH told me he'd really rather me not do it again (even with such small risks of something happening) ... he mentioned someone could hit our car or someone could have reported it. While I still maintain there was nothing unsafe about it, I totally see where he was coming from, and I never did it again.
FWIW, I think that person over-reacted ... the whole "it takes a village" thing is totally lost on some people. We have a new mama at daycare, and if I get there when she does, I offer to sit in her car for a sec so she can run in and grab her older kiddo without taking the car seat with her. That's what community should do - not shame other parents when we all know how hard it is.
It sounds like you'll be working on a solution that works for you, which is great. Also, sorry about your back. Chronic pain is really hard to navigate.
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I ran into the doctor's office the other day for a minute to pick up a shot record while my 5- and 3-year-old were in the car. I am losing zero sleep over it.
We all need to take a deep breath. Risk perception these days is way, way off because we hear about every needle-in-a-haystack freak story.
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@littlejoy: yes to helping out another mom. So nice of you to do. I'm solo all the time and lugging the car seat into the school is annoying.
@Paddington10: hugs! I think following up with the police etc is good and that officer you talked to seemed super nice. Also it takes me about 30 seconds for pick up at preschool, so I can see how it takes less then a minute. Don't blame yourself. She seems like a shitty person to approach you like that.
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@teawithpaloma: As parents (and humans) we have to make choices all day long relying on the information available to us, and balancing the risks and the benefits. And we can never remove all risk. I absolutely agree with you on that point. I think the reason many people can't back up the OP is because there are risks associated with leaving an infant unattended in a car, but there's no true benefit. The risks may be far fetched or unlikely, but there is an inherent risk in leaving your infant out of your sight in a public place. Yes, the OP hurt her back, but she somehow managed to get the baby in the car to get to daycare, I assume she managed to get the baby out of the car when she got home. She was capable of doing so. Therefore, the "benefit" to not taking the infant with her was that she didn't have to inconvenience herself. No one is saying she should burn in hell for her choice. I personally don't think she should lose her kids, go to jail, etc. If I had personally been there I would have done as others suggested and watched the baby for signs of distress until a parent returned to her, and that would have been it. I wouldn't have reported her or even addressed her. I have a hard time believing the OP was really inside for under a minute because there was enough time for another parent to notice that the baby was alone and stand around and wait for mom to come back, but who knows. We do know that in the end baby is fine, and mom won't have any repercussions. But that doesn't mean she made the best choice given the parameters, or that we can't encourage her to make a different choice next time.
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Wow. We should all feel so lucky ... I didn't think there was such thing as a perfect parent, but it looks like a few have graced us with their presence in this thread. What a time to be alive.
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I would not leave my Infant alone in the car for any amount of time. In weighing the risks and benefits, I don't see any benefit at all.
I would not have responded in the way this woman did, but I would have been very, very concerned at seeing an infant left alone in the car. I'm not sure how I would have reacted, honestly. I might have talked to a teacher or director. I don't know.
My opinion may not be popular, and regardless of the legality of the situation, I would not leave my child alone like that
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It's not sanctimonious to say you would have made a different choice than the OP. Nor is it to report someone for leaving their child in the car unattended. If I walked past a car with a baby in it I would absolute stay there until the parent came back, and if it was taking a long time I'd call the cops. How am I supposed to know how long the parent was gone or if there are any bad intentions?
I frequently leave my DD in the car while it's running to walk up to the outside ATM. I'm 10 feet away from my parked carI mentioned it to DH the other day and it made him uncomfortable. He has the same concerns mentioned above (what if your car got stolen, etc.) His concerns are valid so now I'll go to the drive thru teller if DD is with me when I go to the bank.
As far as what can happen in a minutes time? Well my step dad left me and my brothers in the car to walk inside a gas station to pay for gas. We were 1,3, and 5. My 1 year old brother got out of his car seat the minute my stepdad was in the store and knocked the car into reverse. The car went rolling backward. We were almost in the road before my stepdad and several other men came running out. They were able to stop the car before we got hurt. It happened very, very fast.
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@Mrs. Pickle: I don't think it's sanctimonious to say you (general you, not you specifically) would've done something differently or to say that it doesn't make you comfortable. However, i think it's getting into sanctimonious territory when people are telling the OP flat out that she was in the wrong or made a bad choice. People can voice their dissent without adding judgmental comments.
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@Mrs. Pickle: I posted above that some parents did it at our previous preschool and it is legal in our state (I am not comfortable doing it though).
But guess what happened when the preschool asked parents to stop doing it? People stopped. All without accusations of child abuse and starting investigations with CPS.
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