-
@Freckles: I TOTALLY agree! The method of delivery of criticism makes a huge difference.
-
@Truth Bombs: Yes, I agree with you (how did she get the baby in the car in the first place?). In this case, I felt the distilling of her situation had been done and I was trying to add a perspective that might lessen all of our burden as moms who often deal with overwhelming amounts of guilt and stress.
-
@littlejoy: nobody that criticized the OP's choice said that they themselves were perfect or that they had never made a mistake.
@Maysprout: Some of the parents at daycare are exceptionally rude (they are local hotshot surgeons) and I wouldn't be interested in starting a confrontation with a rude, physically intimidating man while 20 weeks pregnant. It's not worth the risk or stress that could come along with it. Why do you ask?
-
@azjax: Again, delivery of criticism is everything. A few of the responses were cold and very rude. You can be critical and kind at the same time.
-
@littlejoy: Some.of the responses may have seemed cold to you but nobody was rude or offensive. The criticism was all on the choices made and no personal attacks were made except by those slinging the "sanctimommy" insult around in defense of the OP.
-
@azjax: I think some responses were very rude. I highly doubt most would respond like that to a friend, in person. Instead, most would likely approach it a more empathetic way.
-
@yerpie110, @mamacate: thanks for your insight ladies.
-
I appreciate the responses! To be clear, I am not looking for justification for leaving my baby in the car while I ran in for my older one. Was it my finest moment? No. Am I a bad parent? No. I get it. What I was more upset about was the yelling in front of my older child, the "illegal!" repetition, and her intimidating nature. If someone is that concerned about a child's welfare, why scream at a mother in view of both of them, alarming the older one? I would have totally understood if someone was waiting by my car and said, Hey, maybe not the best idea (or something). It was the confrontational style that alarmed and upset me. I think my child would be more affected by my fright and panic in the aftermath of the conversation--and by the actual conversation he witnessed--than anything else.
-
@azjax: I asked bc you said you felt unsafe. I can't imagine staying at a preschool where I thought I was at risk of another parent assaulting me, especially while pregnant. That is a different situation and I'd switch schools then but I know not everyone is as fortunate to be able to switch to a nice, safe school for their child.
And I can see how if you thought a parent would assault you that would be a stressful situation and I'm so sorry you have to be in that situation. I've never had that fear with parents at our school so even when I was pregnant with my third I did not find it stressful to lend a helpful hand when able.
-
Sorry, accidental post!
-
@Maysprout: lending a helpful hand and confrontation are two different things! I don't have a problem helping a other parents or receiving help from them. My daycare isn't unsafe; I wouldn't leave my child there if it was.
What I said was there are some parents that are physically and socially intimidating (to me, I don't want to be talked down to by some surgeon that behaves arrogantly toward daycare staff). Also, not everyone enjoys confrontation and would rather discuss or report their concerns to a neutral third party. As we can see from the OP's posts, well-meaning confrontation can go or be perceived very poorly, leaving the parties involved feeling attacked. I don't think that says anything about the safety of security of a school or daycare. You don't have to be in a "bad" place for an otherwise rational adult to loose their composure, especially when their children are the topic of confrontation.
-
@azjax: I don't think a rational person gets so heated they assault a pregnant person or any person. But if socially you don't think you can communicate, I would bring it up with school/ daycare first and let them send an email addressing it and let them be the third party. It just seems OTT to claim someone is abusing their child over daycare pickup
And by lend a helping hand in that situation I'd wait at the car if you really think the child is in danger, with the exception that you legitimately feel like the parents are unsafe and you feel physically intimidated by them at your school. That to me is so much more dangerous and I'd switch schools if I were you feeling that unsafe
-
Can we also talk about the mis-use/abuse of state resources to call CPS every time we think another parent has done something wrong? Again, I'm very happy that as a society we care about kids and want to keep them safe. There has to be a huge amount of resources used to check into every one of these little things.
-
Honestly? If she wants to play the "social worker" card then I'd be reporting her to her professional body or employer because verbally assaulting and threatening a member of the public is incredibly unprofessional and not ok! There were a thousand other ways she could've approached both you and the situation and there was nothing ok about the way she did it.
And you know what? I'm pretty sure you're not stupid and made the decision that worked for your family at the time so no shade from me! Like most things in life there's a huge difference between leaving your kids in the car for an extended period of time and whipping into daycare to collect another child.
And while I'm at it, why didn't she act like a good community member and just wait by your car until you came back (or until she had all the info about the situation!).
-
@T.H.O.U.: Yes, and what resources does it divert from cases requiring attention!
-
@Kemma: without hearing from the other woman's perspective, I don't think it's fair to say she was verbally assaulting the OP.
-
@Paddington10: I am sorry that you had to deal with that and glad to hear that you found some resolution. I would've also been very upset if someone berated me like that. I can imagine myself in your situation as I could see myself leaving a second LO in the car while dropping D'S off. So my sympathies go out to you.
-
@Paddington10: I am glad that the police officer confirmed it was ok. Fwiw, I know a mom who left her baby in the car while picking up her son who is in my son's class. There is no dedicated parking lot and sometimes it takes a few minutes to do pick up and you can't see outside from the pick up area. And guess what, the baby was fine and no one batted an eye! In the winter our school doesn't always have the snow cleared of the sidewalk and try climbing mountains of snow with a baby in the car seat. Much more dangerous than leaving him in the car a couple minutes. Sorry you were approached in such an awful way. I'm sure she was in total shock to see a baby in the car, which I can understand too. Bad day all around, I guess.
-
Just some food for thought .- I got into an discussion/borderline argument with my (then childless) neighbour about whether it was safe to leave a child in their carseat in the car at the gaspump while paying in the store (for some reason Australia hasn't caught on to the whole pay-at-the-pump thing the rest of the world has embraced). I told her I do it with my son and she was HORRIFIED - I waved her judgement off cause I don't really care, told her I'm comfortable with it and can see the car the whole time I'm in the shop.
Lo and behold!!! Two years and a baby later, who do I see at our local gas station but her baby, sleeping peacefully in his capsule car seat, while she's in paying for her gas. I brought my now 3 year old in with me and may have beaten smugness records with the look on my face...but I didn't say anything to her. -
@ScarletBegonia: Bahaha. Parenting is humbling, huh?
-
@Maysprout: My original and subsequent statements were that confrontation could become dangerous, that i have observed some of the parents at the daycare talking down to staff, and that I don't enjoy face to face confrontation with people, especially on sensitive topics. Suggesting that I need to change daycare over these things is OTT. Maybe you live in a perfect buble where every parent at your children's school is wonderful and polite, but you have to recognize that even if that is the case your experience is an exception to that of the unwashed masses. I never accused the OP of abuse, I stated that I would be concerned about behaviors like the one she engaged in being unsafe, so please don't misconstrue my post.
@Kemma: @looch: Is your argument that CPS type offices are stretched thin on resources so people should not report incidents that others feel are minor or inconsequential? Why not advocate for more resources for those organizations so they can handle all complaints properly? One of the major difficulties in detecting abuse and removing children from abusive environments is lack of reporting and lack of documented evidence. The "little" things people see in public can be what helps big problems be uncovered. A poster with social work experience explained upthread that CPS has methods for determining what to follow up on, shouldn't we trust those with experience to decide if a.complaint is a waste of resources?
-
@Paddington10: I didn't read all the comments, but I skimmed enough to see you're getting a lot of flack. I just wanted to say, you are doing a GREAT job. Mom'ing is fucking HARD. And we are a paranoid, paranoid society. I hate that we have to be so constantly worried about what other people think about what we do. Honestly, what is the risk to your child of being left in a cool locked car for literally one minute? Zero. Seems more likely you'd drop the kid with your messed up back, injuring them, than...what? Someone car jacks your car from the school lot in those 60 seconds? Life is full of calculated risks. We choose to drive with our children. We choose to let them climb to the top of the play structure. We choose leave them with babysitters we *think* we can trust. For some reason kids in cars is a hot-button topic for people and there seems to be no consideration for actual common sense on the matter IMO. I'm sorry you got yelled at. I'm glad nothing will come of it. Keep on keeping' on mama.
-
@Mae: Completely agree. The ONLY reason I probably wouldn't do this would be because of stories like this with overly concerned passers-by. I'm paranoid about this happening, which seems a lot more likely than my child being harmed. I've even heard of people getting flack for leaving a dog in the car (on NOT hot day!!)
-
@azjax: Yes, I feel that people should use good judgement and not report incidents are minor or inconsequential. Now in this case, if it is really illegal then maybe it "could" warrant a call. But what if I see a child climbing really high on the playground with the parent not in sight (sitting off to the side, not paying attention/helping). That child is probably in WAY more danger but if we reported every time we see a child in a situation like that? There wouldn't be enough resources in the WORLD to fund those agencies. What about a child walking across the street not holding their parents hand? What about a child eating things that are a choking hazard? What about not installing car seats correctly?!?!
-
@Mae: exactly. just want to echo this one.
-
@T.H.O.U.: do you think any of those things are illegal or potentially indicative of child abuse? Because that is what I stated was my personal cutoff for being concerned.
-
@azjax: I guess maybe I am in a bubble or naive. I can see how something could be awkward and might end up with someone being irritated and how emailing the director is easier. But dangerous? I'm just being honest, that I don't think that's a healthy community environment to be in.
Maybe it's normal to be scared of talking to other parents at daycare but that would make me extremely uncomfortable to go to a place like that.
-
@Mae:
-
The more I think about this - I just can't believe it would take one minute to get a child from class. We attended 3 different preschools. Each one had a different layout, but at the least, it would take 5 minutes to sign out, grab the backpack, jackets, etc.
I have a hard time believing this child was left alone for just one minute.
-
@pinkcupcake: I really don't think one or five minutes would change most people's reactions though.
-
@pinkcupcake: OP said on a previous page that her child was waiting by the door near the parking lot.
Assuming the car wasn't hot and it really was quick, I think the other parent overreacted. But I've left my son in the car to run back inside my house for something I've forgotten inside 🤷♀️
-
Out of curiosity, I timed myself today picking up my twins from preschool. 90 seconds to grab back packs, lunch boxes, check folders, and sign them out.
Just in case anyone was wondering!
-
Dear god, how terrible the way people are treating you OP. Shame on them. I don't hesitate to leave my sleeping baby in a locked and cool car if I need to pop into a small store and I can see her. Seriously, what is going to happen? My car is going to explode? Someone is going to steal it, while I'm watching? Or run into it? Just, think about what you're all really afraid of here.
-
When I was 12, I sat in the car by myself in the backseat when my mom went into the laundromat. A drunk person emerged from strip mall pub next door and opened the car door, sat in the driver seat and tried to look for keys to start it. I freaked out! So did he! He realized he was in the wrong car and quickly exited.
This goes to show, anything can happen. I wouldn't do it. I want to do it. But I don't. I do other things, like leave LO in the car in my driveway for 49.78 seconds, while I drop a load of things inside. Everyone has their own lines. I also would be freaked out if I saw a baby in a car by themselves. I would probably stand guard until parents returned without a word. We can have our own opinions filtered by experiences. We are human.
-
@808love: agreed that we can and should have our own opinions. We don't need to accuse others of child abuse when their limits are different, however.
-
I've thought about leaving the kids in the car when I need to run an errand that will take less than 3 minutes but I don't because of my fear of other people reporting me. I don't see a problem with what the OP did. I wish I could say I'm surprised by some of the more harsh responses but I'm not, that's the world we live in now. Yelling at another mom when you don't know the situation is not as productive as simply having a conversation with her to see what's going on. Just like how calling the OP a liar about the timeframe of 1 minute is not helpful at all. Aren't we all in this motherhood thing together?
-
@pinkcupcake: sure, we only have one perspective but perception is reality so if the OP feels that she'd been verbally assaulted then her feelings are valid.
@azjax: I don't think I mentioned CPS in my comment...
I guess my point is that if social worker really wanted to keep the child safe then she could've waited by the car and approached the OP in a calm and supportive tone. Losing her rag didn't do anything apart from make herself feel better.
Also, sh*t like this reminds of those people that see an unattended child in a parked car and post about it on social media in a fit of faux concern rather than trying to find the parent or doing something genuinely helpful.
And one last thing (because apparently I'm having a lot of thoughts about the situation) did she not look around and take her location into account?
-
@azjax: you said above "I would still report it because it is a behavior that endangers a child.". So in my post I gave other examples that could endanger a child. Would you not report and call CPS for things of that nature? A child not in a correctly installed car seat is at a much greater danger than a child left alone in a car. It could be perceived as a potential sign of abuse or neglect. What if the world reported every one of those cases?
-
@Kemma: I agree. This thread is reminding me a lot of the other one recently about a parking space confrontation at daycare. So many people commented saying the OP "deserved" to get yelled at, or even "worse" (it was never clear what that entailed, some kind of physical assault, perhaps?) When did people decide it's appropriate to fly off he handle at strangers without actually even attempting to understand what's going on? Even in this thread, it has been assumed the OP is lying about how long she was in and out. People have implied she deserved to have CPS called on her. It's baffling. There are things parents do every day that have an objectively worse risk-benefit ratio than this situation (again, assuming it wasn't hot outside, because that's a different ballgame).
-
@Paddington10: what an inappropriate thing to do. I wouldn't worry about it at all! Definitely don't put in writing to her that you did it and research the law. In my area it is not illegal to do it for a reasonable amount of time in safe temperatures if you can see the car. What a sanctimonious B! I do this all the time given a chronic illness I have and I'd be so furious if someone did this to me, but I wouldn't be paranoid and stop doing it because I know the law.
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite0
125 comments