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My daughter is a little younger too, but what your wrote sounds so, so familiar. It’s hard as a parent who doesn’t identify with the perfectionism - and especially when you worry about what it could look like down the road.

I read this article the other day and found it helpful for some strategies and perspective: https://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/on-parenting/my-6-year-old-gives-up-at-the-first-sign-of-adversity-how-can-i-help-him-persevere/2020/07/28/0f2abc66-c894-11ea-a99f-3bbdffb1af38_story.html

DS really resonated with the character in Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs whose inventions often don't work on the first try. We use that as a springboard to talk about failure sparking creativity and ingenuity. We also set expectations, "I don't expect you to do this perfectly but I do expect you to try with a good attitude/it's ok to be frustrated when things are hard but you can do hard things and I expect you to calm your body and try again."

This rings really familiar for my now 3rd grader, although it is improving. I think this is a relatively common problem for kids that are doing quite well at school - if most things come easily, it teaches you that you should just be good at everything without trying and when you’re not, meltdown. Couple that with only/oldest children who tend to be more cautious, which is what we have here too, it just gets worse. My oldest just learned to ride a bike this summer at 8.5. I think the only reason it really happened was she got to the age where it was a bit embarrassing that she couldn’t do it and all her friends could. I think that process really helped her though, watching herself persevere. I’ve also started pushing her a lot more at school since the pandemic - adding to their (very minimal) work in the spring and doing learning challenges all summer where they can earn little rewards. There have been tears and frustration for sure, but the exercise is the important thing (she had been quite happy learning little at school but always knowing the answers!). She was crying this morning about some fractions work, so we talked about strategies (take a break, short or long; collect yourself and push through, write down what things you do know, etc). Then I gave her space because I needed to do something else and I came back and it was done! Doesn’t always end like that but I think giving her options and then letting her handle it worked well. We also talk a lot about how your brain needs to lift weights to be strong - that’s what is happening when things feel hard, your brain is building its muscles. My 5 year old especially likes that one. He’s learning to read and we always lift pretend weights when he’s done with a lesson For my 8 year old another thing that has really resonated with her is talking about how learning isn’t linear. You don’t necessarily make even steps toward a goal with every practice of something new; it’s more that you try and don’t get it over and over and then all the sudden it clicks and all that practice adds up to success. That was very true with riding a bike. We’re always looking back and discussing past examples of how she persevered also. I’m sure part of it also is that every year of age it gets easier but it’s so important to me to work on this as I felt like I didn’t learn much perseverance until college. Of course that’s not going to zap all the perfectionist tendencies but I think it helps.

Sorry for the mega ramble and I’m sure you do some of this already! It’s a hard one when everything ends in tears so good work keeping at it!

@hummusgirl: We just got this book! I love it!

@lindseykaye: My daughter still has big outbursts and is a sore loser, and I have recognized due to a few other things with her behavior and reactions that she has anxiety. I have considered pursuing therapy and am so encouraged to hear it worked well for you!

@hummusgirl: We actually have this book, thanks for reminding me! I’ll pull it out.

My son is almost 5 and has these tendencies as well. We read A LOT of growth mindset books. We have Beautiful Oops, Ish, The Dot, The Magical Yet, The Thing Lou Couldn’t Do, The Most Magnificent Thing, I Can Do Hard Things, After The Fall, Jabari Jumps. We might have more but that’s what I can think of off the top of my head. We also talk frequently about how our brains are muscles and trying hard things and making mistakes helps our brains get stronger and stronger. That really seems to resonate with him. I am like this and it really worries me that he is showing these traits as well. Which is something I talk about with my therapist. I find if I am regulated, it helps me to help him

@Becky: It was not an easy decision, especially during a pandemic when were trying to limit the people we see, but we felt like it really reached a point of being past what we could do as a family.

One of the most helpful things is that she is talking to and learning tools from someone who is NOT mom or dad. She made wonderful improvements on regulating her emotions or reactions through socialization in school and with the help of her teachers, but then we reached a wall in progress there too and thought - she needs tools and skills to cope regardless of her surroundings. The medication almost immediately helped with outbursts and reactions, the therapy is helping her understand how her feelings and brain and body work together and how to identify and redirect when her anxiety is the loudest voice.

@mdf106: My LO struggled to learn to read and write too, she was so down on herself about even the possibility of making a mistake or not getting it right away. She does not yet ride a bike, tie laced shoes, and has a lot of food aversions too (which I have posted about before and we are hoping will eventually improve along these lines). We also avoid situations where there is a winner/loser and make a lot of games collaborative instead of competitive - that’s helped a lot.

@meganmp: Love LOVE that commercial. DH and I were gifted kids, we know this well. DH grew out of his “sore loser” tendencies, I eventually sought therapy and put in a lot of work during and after college. It would have been so wonderful to have a teacher in our younger years with your perspective!

@meganmp: I'm definitely going to try the game where we mess up on purpose and cheer That's a great idea!