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The right answer to this is professional help, almost certainly combined with medication. Not “believing in it” is an ego-driven choice at the expense of you, your marriage, and your kid. It’s not like believing in mowing your own lawn or voting for your party. He needs help and you cannot be the one to save him. You can be the one to support him, but not cheerlead him into being a different person—that doesn’t work. I’m so sorry it is this hard, and I don’t know how you can get him to go to counseling or get medicated, but it sounds like that’s what’s needed. Certainly it will take a lot more than a couple of casual mentions for real change

I'm so so sorry to hear that you are going through this. My husband is currently in therapy and taking meds for depression as well, and it is definitely hard.

I don't have any advice to offer, other than please please be sure to make sure you have some self-care built into your schedule, whatever it is you choose to do.

I'm the one who has struggled with anxiety and depression in my marriage. I struggled with depression and anxiety before we met, got it under control for the most part, but then had horrible depression after my brain tumor recovery, crippling PPA/PPD after our first child was born, and had a second round of less severe PPA/PPD with our second.

From my perspective, I know there have been periods where my husband has carried a tremendous load for our family. There have literally been weeks where I could barely get out of the bed and shower, all the while loathing myself and feeling like a complete waste of space and a failure. I have said terrible things about myself, etc.

My husband has been resolutely committed through the entire process and has always approached the situation extremely logically and patiently with me, and without any kind of judgement. His speeches are always pretty much the same:

1. I love you. You do not have to change anything external about your life. You don't need to be prettier, you don't need to be more successful, you don't need to appear to be anything. You are wonderful just the way you.

2. But you're suffering from a chemical imbalance that is not your fault and not in your control. Your brain is not producing enough of the right chemicals to make you feel right and perceive the world correctly. Do not make this bigger than it is. If you had an iron deficiency, you would take iron supplements. If you were a diabetic, you would take insulin. If you lack serotonin, let's get you some.

3. The longer you let your imbalance go untreated, the more lasting psychological damage and trauma you are inflicting on yourself, which will make recovery that much harder and will make future bouts of depression and anxiety harder to deal with. Any time I'd talk badly about myself he'd say "No, that's just not reality - that is the chemical imbalance making you feel that way. The sky is not purple, it is blue."

4. What can we do to set you up for success? Can we come up with a list of a few things you can do today so you feel good? Can you shower, put on clean clothes, take your vitamins, and will you go on a walk with me? Let's do that.

5. Thank you for loving yourself and our family enough to do the hard work it takes to get your imbalance straightened out. If you feel guilty or sad or overwhelmed by the process of getting better, let's call in the experts and learn new tools to get this sorted out. You're not alone.

6. How are you feeling today? Checking in day by day, a few times a day, and giving me an opportunity to voice my state of mind really helped. Now I know to go to him and say "hey, I'm starting to feel anxious" or "I feel really tired and don't want to get out of bed" because then I know he'll monitor me and help me avoid certain triggers or do things to be healthy.

When I would be completely zoned out in bed exhausted, DH would allow me to mooch to a certain extent, but with kids its not really possible to do it hardcore. Instead, he would just come in and ask me for help. "Could you help me bathe the kids? Could you help with watching the kids for a second so I can take this phone call?" He would ASK in a very calm gentle voice and the ask would always be discrete tasks so they seemed doable and could get me to drag myself out of bed. We also assigned chores and tasks to each other so that we each always knew what had to get done. And when it came to my chores related to the kids, I did force myself up to do them (like, DH couldn't pump breastmilk or whatever). Our meals might be minimal, but DH can't cook so I always did that and packed lunches for the kids. And again, I could at least go back to laying down feeling SOMEWHAT accomplished if my kids had meals and clean clothes, even if I looked like hell and the house was a dump. And we basically made a rule that we always got up in the morning at the same time as a family and each of us took a kid to get ready for the day in the morning and each of us put one kid to bed each night so that it was fair.

But like PPs have said, I really was DETERMINED to get better. Part of this is self-will and part of this is because of DH's commitment to me over the years where I do not want to fail him or our family - its not fair to them. So I do everything I can to PREVENT these periods from happening and then get the drugs and help I need to get out of them when they occur. We are careful not to overschedule me, to make sure I get enough rest, that I get alone time (I'm an introvert), that I get the food and exercise and supplements I need to feel my best, etc. DH basically puts no limits on expenses or help or whatever I need if it comes to me feeling good and I do not take that for granted. But the person suffering from the disease has to want it. Your husband needs to get over his ego and realize HE is standing in the way of his and your family's best life. Its his choice.

@gingerbebe: As a person who deals with anxiety and depression (it runs rampant in my family and my mom has bipolar) your post made me tear up a bit. Not only is your husband amazing for his empathy, you are amazing as well because you desire the help needed to be the best and healthiest version of yourself, and you two are even better together. Thank you for sharing this.

Thanks everyone. @irene: Thanks. The positive side of being an anxious person is that we tend to be very detail oriented people. I always tell my husband the anxiety is the toll we pay for having a brain that can constantly multitask and juggle a zillion details and remember everything. So I can keep track of virtually everything, but DH has to be the brake and get me to take things OFF my plate so there is less for me to have to manage and thus get anxious about. The depression is something I have a predilection for - my case is not a constant thing where I’m on drugs all the time. I don’t hesitate to take them when I need them, but I’ve managed most of the time without them for most of my adult life. I feel great right now!

@crazydoglady: my parents are immigrants and most likely have severe undiagnosed and untreated mental illness. I’m certain I get my anxiety from my mother and depression and obsessive/addictive behavior from my dad. It’s part of why DH and I are so proactive and why I’m DETERMINED to keep my imbalances in check - because my parents inflicted a lot of pain and suffering on my brother and I due to their problems that are unfortunately still ongoing. I would never want to do that to my kids or have the kind of miserable marriage my parents have. I’m committed to breaking the chain of abuse and untreated mental illness and I already know my oldest has my introverted and anxious disposition and we monitor him very closely for it. Know better, do better.

@anonymous1: I’m no professional, but I personally have a lot of anxiety that comes and goes, and I was also recently diagnosed with panic disorder. Luckily, I am able to manage both fairly well the vast majority of the time and I’m fully hands on in life. Whatever your DH is dealing with, it’s preventing him from really participating in life, and I think that’s the tell tell sign that it’s more than just situational stress. And like I originally said, your post really raised alarm bells, reminding me how my depressed parent was. Like @gingerbebe: I saw what severe depression did to my parent, and when I finally noticed/suspected things were off with me, I sought help. My DH has also been very supportive and encouraged me from the beginning to see a therapist. If you haven’t done it yet, I would contact the PCP and urge them to discuss mental health with your DH when he’s in for his appointment.