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DH taking a guys' trip

  1. Mrs. Blue

    blogger / pomelo / 5361 posts

    DH has been gone for two week stretches before, but it was always for work and it felt like a reeeeaaaallly long time. That said, if you were going to get to do something similar, I would probably be game because I love to travel, too, but otherwise, not likely something I'm going to be excited about. And honestly, we don't get to go on big international trips often, so we would probably want to go together. If money/vacation time were no object, though, i could see it being fun to take a trip with my girls/him and his guys for 7-10 days, but two full weeks just seems like too long in my mind.

  2. Freckles

    honeydew / 7444 posts

    When it was just DD, DH would fly out for a conference (4 days) and then tack on another 4 days to be away for 8 days total. I really didn't like it, but he only saw these guys once a year. Now that we have two, i'm more lax about trips away. DH's friends live so far away and he sees them so infrequently, and i think if it was a situation where he did these trips once every few years, i would be okay with it...as long as i was given the same allowance.

  3. Smurfette

    GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts

    No way. I would be fine with a week. He deserves some time with buddies but two weeks doesn't seem fair.

  4. yoursilverlining

    eggplant / 11824 posts

    Oh man - my response changed from reading the title of the thread to reading the contents! lol

    I am in total support of solo trips by a spouse, but 2 weeks? NO.

  5. petitenoisette

    pear / 1521 posts

    I would be really hurt if my husband wanted to do this. That is too long for a trip away from our family for something that isn't even like a lifelong dream. And even if it were a bucket list thing like other people are commenting, for me it would have to wait until our kids are older and either can come with or are much more self sufficient.

  6. edelweiss

    grapefruit / 4923 posts

    each family has their own priorities/preferences, but it sounds like this is a huge ask. DH and i aren't big travelers, but if he did ask to go away for this long, i would then ask to go on a yoga/spa retreat with my sister for 14 days.

  7. littlebug

    honeydew / 7504 posts

    I totally support solo trips - I think everyone deserves/needs a break and time with friends. But I'm talking like a long weekend, MAYBE a week if you're within a short flight/driving distance in case something happens. But 2 weeks? Abroad? That is a BALLSY request. I'd have to say no to that. I agree with others that there's got to be a way for him to do it for a shorter time frame, unless they're doing a paid excursion kind of thing, where you pay X amount for 2 weeks which includes your transportation, hotels, meals, etc. In which case I would just have to say no.

    Each family has their own way of doing things, and that's cool. If you can make it work, good on you. But in my family, that just wouldn't work.

  8. snowjewelz

    wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts

    It seems like a majority of us wouldn't be okay with this... I would not either! When I first started reading, I was thinking about typical 1-3 night trips... And I am willing to make exceptions for special occasions/circumstances, and that is IF I will be getting enough help and it depends how old the girls are at the moment. Fortunately (I guess) DH is pretty introverted so he has never been away overnight to just have fun with the guys. He mostly takes day long fishing trips. He has said that one day he would like to go on a big fishing trip that's overnight, and we agreed that he could go when the girls are older. I have plenty of help if I need, but I don't think he wants to be away from us for that long either.

  9. Corduroy

    pomelo / 5238 posts

    @Charm54: Thanks for the price info. The guys purposely don't plan to make their trips more adventurous. So I'm not sure if DH knows prices but I didn't.

  10. Corduroy

    pomelo / 5238 posts

    @ElbieKay: Thanks for all your insights on the trip. It sounds amazing and like there would be options to make a shorter trip.

  11. Corduroy

    pomelo / 5238 posts

    Thanks everyone for helping me calibrate. I feel like the trip is being presented to me as a a totally normal thing for a father or two small children. Every family is different and it's cool that it works for the guy organizing the trip but that doesn't make it reasonable for us.

  12. caterw

    persimmon / 1445 posts

    That's crazy. I SAH plus our parents are close by and I would still be pissed if my husband asked me this. There just simply isn't a substitute for having the other parent there to help out, plus it feels like quite a while to be away from your family for no particular reason. I would understand if this was his lifelong dream but tagging along wouldn't cut it for me.

  13. T.H.O.U.

    wonderful clementine / 24134 posts

    @Corduroy: Yes, we have several friends (with kids) who are able to do a lot different things than us. We have our priorities though and run our day to day household very differently.

  14. Trailmix

    nectarine / 2152 posts

    Nah. I don't even think my husband would bother to ask me about this one.

  15. psw27

    pomelo / 5220 posts

    The only way this would happen is if it was a very, very special trip that my DH sincerely wanted to go on as some sort of bucket list adventure.

    I'm a WOH mom with long days and a physically demanding commute on foot - so two weeks of doing it all alone with little family help would be overwhelming. Especially with more than one child.

    The other reason that this would annoy me is that DH and I rarely take two weeks off to vacation together or as a family, so it would bother me that he was doing that without me.

    Also, I've been to Iceland. It is so gorgeous but as others have said - it is NOT a cheap trip at all. Lodging and food are pretty outrageous there, and I live in the Northeast where I'm used to $25 burgers being on menus.

  16. Boogs

    hostess / papaya / 10540 posts

    @Corduroy: I would use this to negotiate some things for yourself before you agree; a monthly spa day, your own vacation, a maid once a week while he's gone, etc.

    My DH has been gone for work before for long stretches, once two weeks and another time three weeks. I SAH so it might be easier in some ways for scheduling, but it was still hard. We eventually found our groove.

    For pleasure, I don't think DH would ever ask to do something like this. But, if it was really important to him, like I said I would talk about it and maybe have some negotiations lol.

  17. 2PeasinaPod

    pomelo / 5524 posts

    If this were something that was really important to DH, and he would help me figure out all of the logistics of home life without him, I would be a little sad that he wouldn't want to go with me, but I'd suck it up and be ok with it.

    It doesn't sound like you are though, so I would have him look into seeing if he could make it shorter like another poster suggested, or if he could help you secure back-up care for while he's gone. This doesn't get to be him planning a trip and leaving you to plan everything at home. He needs to help figure all of that out too as to not leave you high and dry.

    Are the other families close to you? Would you be comfortable asking them to help with pick up/drop off for the time he's away to help you out?

    I guess the way I see it is that my DH doesn't ask for much. He's hardworking, equally parents with me (I also work out of home FT), and he hardly ever takes time with his friends like this. If it were a once in a lifetime trip with all of his guy friends, I'd want him to be able to do that. The catch is that he'd be a partner in trying to figure out logistics for while he was away.

  18. yin

    honeydew / 7917 posts

    Nope. It's too long of a trip, and it would set us back financially. Plus we rarely travel, and I would be upset if he went abroad without us.

  19. SugarplumsMom

    bananas / 9227 posts

    Oh hell no! And I definitely think any amount of time away from parenting duties requires that he ask and provide alternate means for childcare and domestic help. Then there's the discussion about the cost of it all.

  20. 2littlepumpkins

    grapefruit / 4455 posts

    Two weeks is a long time but then if you think of military couples who are separated much longer than that, it doesn't seem *that* long. So I think it's whatever you're ok with, and it doesn't sound like you're ok with it. Why can't he fly back after the ten days? He doesn't NEED to fly back with his buddies.

  21. wrkbrk

    pomelo / 5084 posts

    @Corduroy: Yeah, absolutely not would this fly at my house.

  22. LuLu Mom

    GOLD / wonderful olive / 19030 posts

    Nope not going to happen without me for that long. We've both done mini trips apart, max of 4 days, anything longer than that would have to be a couple or family trip.

  23. Mrs. Goose

    pear / 1737 posts

    I think a distinction here between what is "ok" and "not ok", for me anyway, is whether it is for work vs. pleasure. The longest my husband has taken a trip solo was before we were married or had kids and it was for 7 days. The longest trip after we were married has been a weekend trip and nothing since we had a baby. He is often gone for up to 6 days for work. I'd be pretty upset if he proposed a 2 week trip solo, but I'm not sure what I'd say. I guess I'd see how much his heart was set on going and try to factor that into my decision.

  24. yellowbird

    honeydew / 7303 posts

    NOPE!!!!!

    Unless he went out of his way to plan all the backup child care I would need and go ABOVE and BEYOND to make my life way easier while he is gone. I can't see that ever happening, so it would never work for us.

  25. birdofafeather

    pineapple / 12053 posts

    @2littlepumpkins: ha, my husband was working for 2.5 weeks as a firefighter this fall and it was TOUGH and that was him making money, not spending it! i would be seriously rolling my eyes at him even presenting it to me!

    OP, yeah, this wouldn't fly and i'm used to DH being gone working often! he's gone on fishing trips with his dad for 3-4 days and i think i would be good with a 5 day guys' trip, but 2 weeks?! no way. we don't even get to travel like that as a family right now and it's not necessarily due to lack of funds!

  26. winniebee

    hostess / wonderful grape / 20803 posts

    DH went on a 2 week trip to China for work when DS2 was 3 months old. It suuuucked. I was staying home at the time so at least I could flee to my parents for most of it but it was really hard on me. And it was for work. I just think that amount of time away -- for pleasure -- without me -- is too long for us given this stage in our lives. Nor would my husband want to be gone that long. I think the ideal getaway time is a long weekend - 3/4 days. It's enough time for that parent to get a break, feel revived, etc. We actually have not done a long weekend without each other since we had kids though.

  27. hellobeeboston

    honeydew / 7232 posts

    Yeah, that's a pretty long time...

    DH and I make sure we balance each getting our own away time, plus time away with each other, plus family getaways.... Its usually a long weekend that we each take once a year - he goes camping with his friends, and me and my girls usually go to NYC.... like someone else mentioned, can he do a part of the trip?

    I certainly wouldn't divorce my husband over asking.... but 2 weeks is a bit excessive... Make sure YOU get an awesome getaway after this!!!!

  28. skipra

    pomegranate / 3350 posts

    How much vacation time does he get from work? Because if this will eat up almost all of it, no way! I would be insulted if DH asked because we get so little time all together and that is SO long! And then you would have time to take off work another time and he wouldn't so it would be you alone with the kids again! It would be one thing with older kids and plenty of vacation time and money so you could also have a nice trip but in your situation I would say no! For the record, DH would laugh if someone suggested that kind of trip to him.

  29. Corduroy

    pomelo / 5238 posts

    @skipra: We both get 3 weeks now but I'm only 4 months into my job. So he has 3 weeks built up and I have 3 days. I never have enough vacation time to do anything because we spend one week every year visiting his family. Between that, a couple days at Christmas, and daycare closures I don't have time to do anything fun. We haven't taken a family vacation yet.

    I really wish DH would spend some of his extra vacay time visiting his family with the kids. It would help balance things out and give me some days back to actually do something I want to do. Like, one week in laws, one week Iceland, one week wife vacay.

  30. skipra

    pomegranate / 3350 posts

    @Corduroy: that seems really unfair - he gets to use his vacation on 2 week exciting getaway and you get to use yours for daycare closures. What does he say when you explain it that way?

  31. Boogs

    hostess / papaya / 10540 posts

    @Corduroy: That does sound unfair! He should have to use his time off for daycare closures also. And you take your time to visit his family, what about your family?

  32. Corduroy

    pomelo / 5238 posts

    @skipra: @Boogs: I was probably being unfair. He does cover the majority of daycare and preschool closures. For example, he took 5 days over Christmas break and I took 3. He handles all the government holidays too because he's a government contractor. He should be doing all of them. LO has a week long spring break this year but DH found her a spot at DS's daycare for the week so he wouldn't have to use his time. Crafty.

  33. anonysquire

    cantaloupe / 6910 posts

    Maybe I'm the odd one but I keep encouraging my husband to take an international trip without me. I hate flying!!! And don't ever see myself leaving the country again or going on more than a 4 hour flight. But my husband loves to travel, and I would feel bad holding him back. So I always tell him to plan something with his brothers or friends. Maybe I'll plan a trip for him or something. He also travels with his family or to his family alone occasionally. But again it's because I don't like to fly. And he makes sure I'm taken care of while he's gone and also buys me something that I think is equal value. I don't think it's selfish. It would be selfish if I kept him from traveling I think. And I don't hate solo parenting.

  34. Boogs

    hostess / papaya / 10540 posts

    @Corduroy: Haha he gets points for planning ahead.

  35. 2littlepumpkins

    grapefruit / 4455 posts

    @birdofafeather: I think it's worse when it's for work because there's no getting out of it, lol! (eta, and it's recurring!) We both have not 9-5 schedules and solo parent a decent amount... It was hard the first 2-3 years but now I don't mind. Some of my military mom-friends.. I don't know how they do it, but I guess you just do what you have to!

  36. LemonJack

    persimmon / 1117 posts

    I would be really hurt that he was even considering this, to be honest. If he only gets three weeks of vacation, to ask to use two for a trip with friends and away from family would be really upsetting to me.

    I'm all in support of time away, but I think this is asking too much considering your circumstances.

  37. azjax

    kiwi / 578 posts

    Yeah....no.

    We have each done solo trips for fun (1-3 days) and work trips (up to 7 days) and aside from it being a hardship for the other parent, the traveler always misses the baby and spouse so much that longer away would be tortuous.

    It sounds like an expensive one-sided deal has been proposed and I'd be pissed if my husband was seriously considering it. Like really. The time away from family, the unplanned squandering of money, it just seems really selfish ugh.

  38. skipra

    pomegranate / 3350 posts

    @Corduroy: That is great that he took off so much for daycare closures last year and figured out spring break already but with him taking 2 weeks for his trip and 1 week to visit his family, it sounds like you will be 100% responsible for all the sick days, Christmas break, etc this year. That is just really unfair to me.

  39. FaithFertility

    eggplant / 11861 posts

    @Corduroy: The fact that he has to to also take his sick time and such just doesn't sit well with me. It is not responsible in my eyes.
    So the burden of kids being sick and calling out of work is now ALL on you?!

    14 days is a crazy long time for just a "get away"

  40. birdofafeather

    pineapple / 12053 posts

    @2littlepumpkins: well, i can't speak to the not-recurring, but we'll have to agree to disagree! at least when he's working, i can "throw money at" the problems where if it were a pleasure trip, i would just be grumpy that he was gone that long having fun without me and spending money so i wouldn't spend any more money and just be more grumpy!

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