Anyone else struggle with this. My DH has a lower sex drive then I do and it makes TTC difficult. My "window" is about 14 days and I can't keep his going the whole window. Does low sex drive affect fertility?
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I feel for you, but at the same time I wish I had this problem... I'm pregnant and feel tired and sick all the time, and DH is constantly begging... *sigh*
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I'm wondering if you might benefit from starting to BD once you actually see fertile signs like CM/+OPK since your charts look like you get a bit of warning? Otherwise you will wear each other out!
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@alison206: Do you try for every day? Maybe try every second day. Or different times of day? I know we are much more into it in the morning, rather than the evening, when we are exhausted.
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@spaniellove: I agree! 14 days is a lot to do it every night. Are you taking OPK's or charting to know when you are ovulating? Then you really only have to do it a couple days. It can be done like that. We only did it twice during my fertile time due to DH's traveling during the week.
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@alison206: My husband has a low sex drive, while I have a pretty high one. It has been a long-standing issue in our relationship; something we work on constantly. Anyway. While we were TTC, we basically held off on BDing until I had a postive OPK. Once I got a positive sign, we BD'd every day until 2 days after O (tracked by temperature). So it was basically 5 days or so of BD, and then that was usually it for the month. 14 days sounds like a LOT, and I know if it were my husband, he'd burn out pretty quickly on that.
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I forgot to add that we are DTD every other day. Its nice to know we're not alone. It has been an constant issue for us.
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Generally DH has a higher drive than me, but this week while I'm fertile, even he got a little tired. The thought of making a baby actually boosted my drive and he had to turn me away once, which never happens. It does sound like OPKs would be a good option for you, as well as charting, so you could narrow that window down. My window, based on past cycles of temp charting and monitoring CM, was still about a week and we are tired after that!
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I do chart but coming off of a mc in may my cycles are still figuring themselves out. So each cycle has gotten shorter and shorter. I have used OPKs but they make me very anxious. I typically chart but decided to take this month off to try and relax. I was gifted the CBEFM and will use that next cycle.
I think I struggle with his lack of interest the most. Especially when the stereo type is that men want it all the time. It feels crummy being turned away. I do agree with @foodnerd81 that the desire to get pregnant ups my drive.
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@alison206: Oh, I see. Yeah, that's tough. And getting turned away sucks, even if you know there is a reason for it. It's not a good feeling. I hope as your cycles sort themselves out, you can narrow down the window a bit and make it easier on you. For now, I guess I would ease up on the every other day. It does suck to lessen your chances, but not at the expense of your relationship, right?
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@alison206: I got pregnant with a DH who has a lower than average sex drive and we only DTD twice that entire month. It was around my fertile period (and I wasn't even charting or temping, it was just a guess). All it takes is one time!
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@alison206: There are a lot of resources out there for this situation! About.com has some great blog posts on it... here's one:
http://marriage.about.com/cs/lowsexdrive/a/malelowlibido.htmAnother blog on that site pointed to this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Wife-What-When-Desire/dp/0743266277I haven't read it, but I read another book by the author (The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage) and it was fantastic.
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@foodnerd81 our relationship is our priority. That's why we took the month off from everything except DTD. @highwire thanks I think its easy to forget that all it takesbis once. I'm pretty confident from bloating, cramping, and skin breakout that I O'd Friday yet I still feel like I'm under so much pressure. Its crazy.
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@alison206: 100% agree on how sucky it is to be turned away. It makes me mad when I see sitcoms where the guy is constantly turned away, cause it really doesn't feel nice! What really helped for me was to tell him how it made me feel. And through talking, we came to the agreement that when he's too tired or whatever, that he just has to let me down easier. Like as if I'm breakable. And I gave him an example "I love you so so much and you are so sexy and beautiful and wonderful but I am so tired right now". With lots of cuddles and kisses. And he's done it a few times and It worked. Now I feel loved and wanted rather than just tossed aside.
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I agree that every other day for 14 days is a lot, especially for a guy that has a low sex drive to begin with. We aren't currently TTC, but will be soon. My approach is and will be consistency throughout the month (we'll BD a few times a week throughout the entire month rather than none at the beginning, none at the end, and a ton in middle). It's gotta be rough for a guy to feel like he's only wanted during a fertile window, you know?
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@Alison206: The CBEFM will totally help! Once it gets to know you (by the second month usually) you'll only get 5 days for sex. That should make it pretty easy. But I'm sorry about the DH low sex drive thing. That's got to be hard. I'm usually the opposite of that problem, but things have really been better since trying to get pregnant, as it gets me a lot more excited.
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@ambular1025: do you dtd every h and p day? My obgyn felt very strongly about every other day so I'm curious what to do with the CBEFM.
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@alison206: My RE says to use OPKs and DTD the day you see the positive LH surge and then for two days after. I think EOD is a good option if you don't know when you are getting the LH surge, because you are more likely to catch your O without knowing when it is happening.
I suspect we deal with lower than average sex drive, but I do know he really is tired from working A LOT. Before TTC I rarely initiated because I'm petrified of being turned away. My fear has made TTC a little tough since he obviously doesn't know when I O. I am doing much better at initiating and can now avoid the "I got a positive OPK, let's DTD" scenario. Now I usually hint around for a few days in advance that "this weekend we get to have some fun" etc. I have even been sending some sexy text messages around O. Good luck!
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@Alison206: Typically we have BD'd every H & P day but this month (due to some age and anxiety issues of DH) we're doing every other day all cycle, so we'd only be every other day during the H & P days. Most books say to BD every other day if there's any semen issues. So I'd go with your OBGYN's recommendation.
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We have this problem. I could have sex 5 times everyday and still need more, DH could probably go all month without sex and be fine. In fact in September we only had sex 3 times the whole month.... As someone who is majorly self conscious it really hurts that my husband won't ever initiate sex. I have told him a million times it really hurts my feelings and he doesn't care. In August when we were trying to get pregnant, I was forcing him to have sex everyday while I was fertile. It is embarassing and pathetic I have to force my own husband to have sex with me.
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@ANONYSQUIRE: I'm really self conscious as well and I get really hurt when he turns me away. I don't have a huge sex drive but DH would be ok with 2x and month. You took the words right out of my head with your last line. I lay in bed (after being rejected) and think how pathetic it is that I have to force myself on my husband. Thank you for sharing, it really made me feel better
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@alison206: We can be pathetic people together I guess lol. Not that you are pathetic, it's just how we feel. After I am rejected I lay there wondering why he even married me if he doesn't want sex. And I get it isn't the most important part of a relationship but to me it is why people get married, so it is important.
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