I don't want to post a ton of details but if you have found peace with the person who has passed do you still go to a service? Do you go to every service regardless of travel? Do you believe it is for you to say goodbye or so that others see you pay your respects?
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Obviously, there are a ton of variables here. But generally, I try to go to every service. I think it is important not just for closure for myself, but for the family members to see that their loved one had an affect on so many people. If I can't make the service, I definitely send a sympathy card containing a memory and make a donation to their charity specified in the obit.
If you recently lost someone, my condolences for your loss
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Sorry for your loss.
By me living away from family even during childhood I don't have the sense of obligation when it comes to family gatherings such as funerals. Go if it's convenient and go if you want to show your support to the rest of the family that is grieving.
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It depends on the relationship. I live far from my extended family and so traveled when it was my grandparents, but not great aunts/uncles, and in those latter cases only my dad (who was the direct nephew) went. My uncle is in very grave condition (been in hospice care for a very long time now) but whether or not I go to the funeral will depend on timing--I'll have a newborn in February so can't travel any time now through probably March, and even then it'll be difficult with a toddler and newborn...we'll see...
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It depends on the relationship but generally I go to pay my respects to the person and to support the deceased's family. My own feelings of closure don't play into it at all.
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Thanks for chiming in. It's really my husbands loss.
Both sides of my family live closeby so I've been to every service for people I know personally.
We would be looking at pretty significant travel and had a nice visit with his grandma last month and she got to meet DD. We did not go to his grandpas service but it was not financially possible for us at the time 10 years ago. So this is the first service we have to make a choice about and I'm not sure what the norm is.
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@youboots: I think it is important to go because it honors the person and supports the immediate family/ survivors. It is also a celebration of life and shows people matter, living and dead, and their lives and deaths matter, at any age. Just my thoughts! (Peace with them or not etc. never influenced my decision to attend.)
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I was unable to go to my own grandmothers funeral due to the costs. I sent my mother and her siblings flowers. I felt bad at first that I wasn't going to be there but I was happy with sending flowers so that my family knew I was thinking of them from so far away.
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I don't really feel like funeral services offer any closure, but it seems like a cultural mandate to go. Of course that depends on how close a family member that person was. But I've even gone for family members of good friends in support of them.
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I don't think funerals are for the deceased, but for their family. I go whenever I am able.
DH goes to everyone he hears about. It's kind of crazy the number of services he attends
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My husband will go to any funeral if he has met the person or the person's sibling/parent/great uncle. I avoid funerals if I can get away with it
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@youboots: I go to funerals to let the family know I'm thinking about them and share memories. I don't mind going and I know a lot of people do so I tend to err on the side of going. However DH and I skipped his grandma's funeral shortly after we got married. We live across the country and we had just visited (which was the first time I met her). I encouraged DH to go but he didn't want to.
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@Corduroy: we have decided to go. His family wants us there.
Thanks everyone for your thoughts.
Driving only takes an extra hour and a half over flying so we are going to drive so we have our car.
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I always try to go. My dad died last year, and it was such a comfort to see so many people at his funeral and service. I always felt that my dad had had a meaningful life and done good work, but seeing so many people whose lives he had touched was particularly warming on such a sad day.
It's such a kindness to go and support the family. -
@merriment: I'm sorry for your loss.
It's complicated but we've been estranged from most of the family for 10 years and recently have reconciled with almost everyone.
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