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@Greentea: I really identify with everything you said. Especially the privilege of being the one to spend time with her during the day. Someone has to do it and I'm glad it's my job. Best job I've ever had.
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I did a combo of SAH/WAH for a long time. I think I could be a good SAHM if I could completely focus on the children instead of having to always stress about work on the back burner.
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I would be a terrible SAHP..... but Im also a terrible WOHP.
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I think this is a great discussion, but one thing keeps coming up in my mind, and that's what we all consider a "good SAHP" to be. I am sure it's different for all of us, but a lot of what I was reacting to when I was being critical of myself was that I wasn't doing enough. In my mind, I kind of had it set up that I should have a full Montessori style area, with work set up on trays, etc and I never could execute on it because of my anxiety and worry about not doing it well enough.
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No - I'm definitely a better mother when I work. My house may not be as clean and our meals aren't great...but for me personally, I need to be out of the house with other adults. When I am with my son I'm able to be 100% and more engaged because of the time I've had away.
The perfect scenario would be working part time but I don't think we could make that work financially and my work wouldn't be ok with that.
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DS is 10mo, and I love it. Am I a "good" SAHM? I don't know what that means exactly, but I'm enjoying it.
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I like to think that I am. I feel like as LO gets older I get better because we can cook and craft and she can tell me what she wants lol. I tend to be more introverted but LO loves to be out in the world so we do lots of classes and something as simple as a Starbucks date can turn an afternoon around. I think setting our own schedule definitely suits me. I've also become better about relinquishing a little control and letting her hang out at the grandparents house for a few hours every once in a while and it helps us both to get a break. I think it's been good to cut myself some slack and tell myself this is important and wonderful but difficult too and it's ok to need a break.
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@Greentea: totally agree. I think there is no "ideal" for being a SAH parent...if the kids are loved, and you are enjoying it, and you're all having fun at least 51% of the time, then you're doing it right.
I of course stress about whether I'm doing enough "enriching" activities with LO, or engaging him enough, or whether I am present enough in each and every moment. But honestly, thinking about next year when he will be in school 9-3pm, and I will have so much less time with him than I do now--it makes me treasure this opportunity to be at home with him, even if it's just watching him race his cars around the room for the millionth time. Because soon enough, he'll be a surly teenager and won't want anything to do with me
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Not really because my idea of a SAHP is childcare provider and household manager - the DIY kind. It's that latter part I'd fail at.
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Reading all these responses is kind of making me sad. I think someone is only considered a bad mom if they are not actually being a parent and neglecting their kids. I doubt any of the bees are like this.
Do you love your children and raise them to be respectful human beings? Then I would say everyone is a good mom. There is no such thing doing everything 100%...unless you pay someone to help you do that.
I do not think I would be a bad stay at home mom. I just know it is not for me and is not what is best for my family.
Everyone should be a little kinder to themselves.
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@looch: That's a really interesting point. I think most people are answering based on whether they think they could provide the right experiences etc. Of course, that is very much based on what the individual believes "good" looks like. I, on the other hand, answered based on whether I would enjoy it and be happy in the role. I guess that's what I believe"good" looks like.
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I mean, I'm not perfect. I could criticize myself all day. But my son is happy, I'm happy, my husband is happy, so I guess I'm doing something right.
I get a break twice a week. If I didn't, it might be a different story! -
@Cherrybee: it makes me really sad to say this, but I would be terribly unhappy at home. It almost sends me into a panic to think about me-just me-being responsible for her all day, every day. I don't think I'm mentally or emotionally capable of that, to tell you the truth. But when I am home with her for a few hours, things are much better. I know this is my anxiety talking, and I'm working to get it under control. But I also know that since I can identify my own weaknesses, I need to do whatever I can to overcome them. And for us, that means sending her to a school she loves so we can both be happy and I can know that she is well looked-after without my own issues getting in the way.
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I'm the same kind of parent whether I'm SAH on my summer breaks or WAHM the rest of the year. I think I'm a better (well, less stressed) wife when I'm on summer break, though...or maybe it's just that there's less strain on each of us compared to when I'm working, where we're constantly spinning plates, hoping they don't all come crashing down.
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I don't think I'd be a good full time SAHM. I really enjoy my job and would miss it. Plus I'm not great at domestic stuff. Plus I think I'd get stir crazy without adult interaction. Plus, I think I'm going to find it exhausting to parent a toddler (it's hard enough at 5 months).
That being said, I'm pretty excited about the prospect of cutting back to a 4 day work week. I think having one day per week home with my son will be great. We can get some bonding time and I can have time to do stuff around the house and errands and such. Plus, hopefully, some relaxing time.
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Maybe in some ways, but not unless I got my PPD/PMDD completely under control. Honestly, I feel pretty lazy when I'm home so all I want to do is relax, which doesn't make for very productive or fun days.
I do think that it would be better for me in one way, and that's to not always have to be rushing. Every morning, it's a rush to get ready, get the kids fed and out the door... just to repeat it at night. It makes me cranky and snappy with them. If that is taken out of the equation, I think it would help make me be a more patient mom.
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I loved being a temporary SAHM during my recent maternity leave. DH is a SAHD so we were all 4 of us home together and it was amazing. I had hoarded enough PTO for 12 weeks' off and I will always treasure the memories of that time.
That said--- if I was the solo SAHP 24/7, it would not be good for me mentally. I also love my job and my kids can come visit any time. I think I would be able to be a SAHM and it would probably run smoothly but would be bad for my mental health. DH does a great job and he enjoys it but he also has the opportunity to do FT temp work for a month each fall and I think that saves his sanity a bit.
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I stay at home in the summers and breaks with my kids and we have fun. I don't like the social aspect of staying at home, but we do crafts and outings and I love spending quality time with them--not the rush, rush of the working part of my days. I try and enjoy the little things just like going to the grocery store on a Tuesday afternoon and cooking things day to day and not having to meal plan!
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I think I could be. I really enjoyed my time home with her during my maternity leave and I enjoy the days I have home with her. It's nice to not have to rush and have unscheduled time. I'm not very social though, so it would be hard for me to initiate play dates and put us out there, especially now that she's a toddler.
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