Hellobee Boards

WHEEEEEEE
1. Your mom:
Whether or not she's there for YOUR birth (notice the phrasing is not "THE birth of HER grandchild) is your call. Also, whether or not she's there for the last precious week of freedom you have to do self-indulgent, important-to-you things, is your call. If you don't want her there for either of those things, or if you anticipate any other reason why you would rather have her come when the baby is a week or two old, or later (really)--it's up to you to lay it down and say so. And, I hope I don't sound sanctimonious here, but it's good practice for being the parent in charge instead of getting pushed around and guilted by her/anyone else for the next 15 years while your kids are growing up. It's no longer about her, it's about the baby. And damn, while you're giving birth, it's about YOU. Since you want stories, my mother informed me she wanted to come for the birth, and I said no (nicely). My birth plan was me, my doctor, my husband, in the hospital with modern medicine, and no visitors, and it worked out beautifully and was a really good experience. My mom's reaction to this was to sulk and then not come until the baby was 5 weeks old. She was putting it off to "punish" me and wasn't going to come until he was 8 or 9 weeks old. Anyway, she got over it and it was fine, and guess what, she likes the baby. I still remember the LC I visited being totally incredulous that my mom was so close by and didn't have any plans to come. It did sting a little, but I basically thought she was cutting off her nose to spite her face and was too busy to give much of a shit by then. Anyway, her not speaking to you sounds familiar

2. Mother in law:
We've talked about this before, but she's insane to think she has any say whatsoever in how you live. Re her staying with you, I threw it down with my own mom and we get her a nearby airbnb when she comes. I thought it would only be an issue with her the first time, but she's stubborn and basically insists on fighting about it every time she comes. I don't know what to say other than it sucks, but not as much as climbing over someone sleeping on the floor in front of your fridge when you're trying to breast feed a cluster-feeding infant at 3am. Stick to your guns. I'm also a big believer in having husbands deal with in-law crap and you dealing with your family's crap (although if she confronts you directly definitely be able to tow the party line )

We had some drama and thankfully DH shielded me from the MIL stuff, but I had to deal with my own mom.

Regarding your mom visiting you to be apart of your delivery, take her silent treatment as a blessing. You’re not going to convince your mom and dad that you’re right on this. Let them stew and you concentrate on the final weeks of pregnancy. Sounds like you did not clearly tell her who was going to be in the delivery room with you. Early and mid-pregnancy my mom voiced she wanted to be there, but since DH doesn’t really like her, and she was a little too vocal about choices I was making with the delivery I told her my birthing partners would be DH and my doula.

As for your MIL, I think it’s rather silly she expects you all to buy a larger house to accommodate her although needing a place for guests is usually on homebuyers wish list. I haven’t had this issue as MIL has happily accepted any accommodation we have paid for her when we don’t have room for her at our house. I will say that when you have a baby those first few weeks you are in learning mode and having someone on top of you that you are not 1000% comfortable would be hard. There’s no way I would have wanted any non-chill/ non-favorite houseguest when I was whipping my boob maneuvering pillows trying to get the hang of breastfeeding.

@LCTBQE: Agree 100% with everything you said regarding the mom!

It sucks when parents do this to us, but it IS good practice sticking up for your child AND yourself. I've had similar issues with SMIL. I used to get along with her really well, but then when I got pregnant with my first, suddenly she had an opinion about EVERYTHING I did and was constantly judging me and trying to guilt me into doing what SHE wanted and not what was best for my kid or our family. I finally grew a backbone and stood up to her which made it worse worse worse, but I feel much more confident about my own parenting now!

My mother did want to be there for the birth of my first, but I told her no and ended up not calling until we went to the hospital and had the baby. With my second, she knew I was in labor but she was watching my oldest, so she couldn't be at the hospital anyway. It worked out and she got over it, but you and your partner are the only ones who have a say in who is at your birth, and it's perfectly okay if you don't want her there. Use the nurses. They can keep people out. And don't tell your mom you are in labor.

@periwinklebee: I had very little/almost no drama, but that's because my mom and in-laws don't act like yours do. Well, all of them always expect to stay in our small house, but it doesn't bother my husband and I much, so that's what we do.

My mom was in town for both kids being born because I wanted her to be, BUT especially the second time around, I really put my foot down about when she could come into the room at the hospital. Even my normally-sane mother tried to hold the baby BEFORE my husband when I had LO1, and I had to quickly tell her absolutely not, my husband was going first (this was after an hour or so of skin-to-skin with me.)

So when I had DD2, I didn't even let her into the room until both me and DH had had our "fill", haha.

So I agree with PPs that it's good practice for you to learn how to direct your experience. It is something that will come up over and over. My oldest is now 4.5 and I just had a polite, no drama conversation with my family telling them we will come down to celebrate Christmas with them on the 26th, after we have our Christmas on the 25th. People will always be suggesting what you SHOULD do (in their opinion), but you get to call your own shots.

I feel like this will always be a touchy subject. However, what helps us(hubby and I) is that we do what is BEST FOR US. May sound selfish but it’s about your nuclear family now. Parents won’t always agree and that’s fine.

My mom was there for the birth of my child. 1st baby on my side. Hubby and I talked about it earlier and prayed about it. a i am close to my mom and she came the last 30mins because she lives out of state. It worked out cause I had that personal and emotional time with my hubby too.

Now with MIL- we aren’t close. And in your situation she needs to mind her own business. She has no place to say when you guys should move or anything. She can stay somewhere else. Express it now! I’d set boundaries now before baby comes. Speak with your DH about this cause parents, friends etc can get nutty. We weren’t having it and it worked out well when it was communicated to everyone.

Yeah, I told my mom I only wanted my husband for the birth. I didn't want anyone in the waiting room, I didn't want visitors the same day, nothing. She was appalled I didn't want her there, blah blah blah, and I told here I refused to have her sit around and stress me out while I waited to go into labor and I had no idea as a FTM when that would happen - and she ran a daily food catering business, so she couldn't just be gone for weeks on end. Her clients would fire her.

Our compromise was that we let her know when I was admitted and flew her up that same day. We told her she could stay at our place during the birth (more comfy than the waiting room) and then DH would come get her once I was comfortable and ready.

I had an unexpected water breakage at 38w5d, a 36 hour induction, and an emergency C-section, so it wouldn't have been feasible for her to sit there that whole time anyway. We flew her up when I started my induction. While I was in labor, she was able to clean and cook and do whatever fussing she wanted on her own and waited for my dad and brother to do the 8 hour drive up. My entire family was able to come visit the baby the day after he was born. Then baby had to go into NICU for a few days, so my dad and brother went back home and my mom stuck around until we were discharged and stayed with us afterwards for a bit.

After that experience, my mom didn't even get on my case about DS2's birth. She flew in the night before my RCS, watched DS1 for me, and we arranged for some friends to drive my mother and son to the hospital to visit briefly later that day. And then my mom flew directly home. DS2 was born 2 weeks before Memorial Day, so my family came back altogether for that extended weekend to see the baby and it was fine.

There are so many unknown variables with a birth and postpartum that I don't think you can really plan for anything unless you have an older child who needs care. We had my mom as the first line of care for DS1 during birth, but we also had 2 more levels of back up care on call and that was all we could really plan for.

With your MIL, I would just reserve a hotel room and tell her you have a hotel ready for her, she's welcome to use it, but she wont be sleeping on your floor. If she doesn't want to use it, it will just go to waste (or you can just cancel the day of, whatever). I put a firm hotel rule for my in-laws when our eldest was born. We saw them between the hours of 8am and 8pm and then once 8pm hit, DH took them back to the hotel. In between that time, we just went out to eat and they went sightseeing locally while the baby and I BFed or whatever.

We had drama too....

After having LO1, I thought it was too much to have both my parents and my inlaws visit in the hospital both days I was in the hospital. So I told them they could visit once in the hospital for LO2.

For LO2s birth, we asked my inlaws and LO1 to visit us in the hospital in the morning and we asked my parents to come in the afternoon. (The rooms are small and we wanted a nice mellow first meeting of brothers). My parents were complete as!$**\~?< and insisted that they come in the morning since they planned to pick up my father’s new boat in the afternoon. Yea thanks. A boat was more important than our wishes. Wtf. We had a phone fight- it was sucky especially since it was literally hours after giving birth.

So much drama... and you can never please everyone.

Just be firm in what you need. You are the one recovering from birth. Your mil can sleep in a hotel. And your mom is acting crazy. I’m sorry! Hope it gets better.

I agree with so many of the people above I'm not going to tag, lol. I think the bottom line is you need to put your own comfort first!

We didn't have drama with my parents for either birth, but dh and I both get along so well with them that it wasn't surprising--they're respectful of our wishes and space, and follow our lead on most things. In early newborn days, they chip in for chores like cooking, dishes, taking out the trash, etc, and with lo2's birth, they ran a lot of interference with lo1.

There are definitely way more tensions with mil now that we have kids, and it's like what you mentioned in your original post--we're more rational, and so in the past we've just gone along with her wants/"needs" for the most part rather than rock the boat. With the kids now, I am soooo not doing that. The girls come first, full stop. Also, I think there's a lot of jealousy about our relationship with my parents (she actually cried when lo1 was born about how wonderful my parents are, but then made fun of how my dad took out the trash, so who tf knows...). I used to go more out of my way to make her feel included, but now I'm in a phase where I just don't put that much effort into the relationship because I feel like she mostly just takes. We've stopped asking for favors because they always come with strings (mostly guilt trips) attached. Basically she's welcome to visit whenever (she's mostly retired and money isn't an issue) and we'll visit her about 2x a year. She never initiates facetime with lo1 or contact with me directly, so I don't really either.

I feel for you.

For DD I had the opposite problem. I WANTED my mom there, but my Hunny felt strongly that since his mom couldn't get there (4-hour drive) it wouldn't be fair. I didn't have the strength to argue that we can't let his parents dictate what we do.

Wow. Just wow.

So we just didn't tell anyone we were even at the hospital until we knew we were staying and it happened to be night time and I had Dh tell MIL just come the next day, which was good because even though I was already a 7 when we got there before 10, dd wasn't born until about 530am.

Anyway... I think you just need to set your boundaries now. I wish I'd have done that a long time ago. My mil has a habt of starting to be more involved and helpful and then letting all the boundaries go by the wayside. I mean like if I say we have something in our bedroom she will walk right in there by herself without even asking. At some point she'd go over to our house when we weren't home, either announced or not. Hopefully she can understand that you don't know how much privacy you might want (and I'd phrase that as being because you just gave birth rather than saying bonding with baby or whatever else.. more medically/physically a thing than making her feel unwanted maybe.) But if she doesn't you need boundaries. It's hard with no help so I would want to try to be nice to all.. but still begin as you want to proceed.