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Also if anyone feels so comfortable, I would love to see pictures of your parents. I would love to put a face to these incredible people I am hearing about.
Here is my momma, this was about a month before she passed away. This picture is really special to me because after i miscarried our first baby, my mom went out and bought him Halloween balloons to put up and decorate in honor of him. She has such a big heart.
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@stargal: Thank you so much for starting this thread. I'm sure for you and the others who have lost a parent recently, the pain is still very fresh. While it never goes away, it does get easier with time. I also found that it helps to have others who understand what you're going through. I think this community can help with that!
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Here's my dad walking me down the aisle on my wedding day. I look at this and can't believe he was gone 8 months later. He was so nervous that day.
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I love this one...
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And one more from my wedding day (they're the only ones I have on my iPad), both of us more relaxed after a little wine.
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I'm glad you started this thread, because I think not having a mom is part of the reason I'm struggling so much with being pregnant.
In a way I lost my mom twice - first when I was a child and again a few years ago. My parents got divorced when I was a baby and my dad got custody. My mom stopped doing visits after a few years, maybe because it was tough seeing me with a new stepmom who had very different ideas about parenting. We didn't have any contact after that.
Three years ago I got an email and then a call from the State Department saying that a woman they believed to be my mother had died and I was her next of kin. Losing her permanently was probably the push I needed to decide to have a child after being so insistent on not having any that I was going to get my tubes tied. My stepmom and I aren't close (she was abusive), so I haven't had any female family support during my pregnancy, and my dad doesn't understand at all why this is tough for me. Sorry for the novel...
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@spaniellove: not a novel at all. That must have been really really tough for you, both growing up and now. I'm so sorry. Welcome to our sad little club.
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My dad and I as he was walking me down the aisle, and at my college graduation. I really love the graduation picture, because I think it really shows off how easy our relationship always was. This was actually a really tough time for me because I'd just found out that I was going to need to have surgery asap and wasn't going to be able to follow through with my Teach for America plan. But, just being with my dad had a way of making things better. I miss that so much!
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@runnerd: I can't imagine what it would be like to lose a parent that young, I'm sorry!
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@Pepper: Yes, her last weekend in the hospital is burned into my brain. One of the hardest things (that's silly, like there's anything easy...) is feeling like those last hours are so vivid and all the happy memories and little moments I had with her are slipping through my mind.
I also totally get the fear of lung cancer, even though my mom got it from smoking and I've never so much as touched a cigarette. It's only just recently that I've felt comfortable even imagining my life past the age of 38....
@stargal: Thank you. Those last days at the hospital were so horrible, I know what you mean about remembering all those details from the last days. The worst memories to have.
Your mom is beautiful! I'm glad you had her with you going through something as difficult as a miscarriage. The balloons are totally something my mom would have done, too.
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@spaniellove: As far as I'm concerned, novels are completely acceptable here
I can't imagine how alone you must feel at times during the journey. Sometimes, you just need *that person* and really no one else can understand or substitute, regardless of how hard they may try!
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@knittylady: Such a sweet photo
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My dad passed away when I was 20. He was much older and had been terminal, but it was still really hard. A few months later I met DH and I am still sad that he never met DH or LO.
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This is my father giving a toast at my wedding. He looks so healthy here, it's hard to imagine. This was before he lost his transplanted kidney, which he had for 21 years.
@owlteach: I have a lot of those feelings too. I've really come to terms with the fact that my mother loves me, but she doesn't really understand me. I'm not sure she even likes me. She doesn't understand my humor, my need to not conform, my inquisitive nature. I don't know if she's ever liked me. My father was the one who really understood me. Realizing that has made me hold on even more to my husband, since he understands me almost as well as my father did.
So often, there are things I'd like to talk to him about. He was a feminist philosopher, second wave. And even though I grew up with a very different feminist critique than his, I miss his perspective so much. So often I wish I had him around to talk about whatever the latest thing is. I saw Big Freedia in concert recently, and just today I was telling my husband all about twerking, and how interesting this concert was, and how sexual it was, but in a non male gaze-performative kind of way. And he was interested, but in that way that you are when your spouse is into something you're not. No one else in my life is as interested in feminism as he was.
Thank you to the OP for starting this thread. I don't end up talking about this stuff much, and it feels good. As an aside, I'm a bit envious of those of you who believe that you'll see your parent again, or that they're watching over you or something. My belief system doesn't include that - I know my father is just gone, for good. But I think it must be awfully nice to believe the way that some of you do. I sure would give anything to know that I'd get to see him again some day.
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@sarac: Oh god, I miss talking politics with my dad so much! Something big will happen, and I'll want to talk to him about it so badly. There really is no one else in my life that I can talk to about it. Honestly, I've kind of checked out of the political scene since losing him because it's just not the same.
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@MrsRoo: My dad's last days are indelibly etched in my mind too, and it kills me. I hate that those memories stick out so much stronger than the earlier ones. Although, I did realize by being at the hospital so much (I spent 99% of my free time there) how much my dad loved and appreciated me.
@sarac: I feel the exact same way about my mom. Even now that we've "given her a grandchild", she barely cares about how I'm doing, it's all about LO.
After my dad died I went through all of my deleted-but-not-really-deleted voicemails on my iPhone and undeleted all of my dad's. Most of them are super short, but hearing his voice again simultaneously gives me comfort and re-breaks my heart.
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@NurseMommy: I called my dad's cell phone multiple times in the months after he died just to hear his voice too.
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Has anyone else's living parent began to date again? My mom has started talking to people on on-line dating sites. She wants to talk about it with me, but I am just not really comfortable with it. I'm not angry with her, I don't think that she is doing anything wrong, and I am confident that my dad wouldn't want her to spend the rest of her life lonely. I just am not ready to deal with it. Has anyone else navigated this transition better than I am? Any advice?
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@sarac: that's a wonderful photo of your dad. He looks like a kind man.
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@owlteach: no advice here, as my mom isn't there yet, but I can imagine how you're feeling. That must be tough. Are you an only child?
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@NurseMommy: Nope, I have 2 older brothers. One lives about 5 hours away and he is really hard to talk to about anything because he comes across as very sure that he is always right. My oldest brother and I are close, but he has some struggles that make it nearly impossible for him to keep anything to himself and he also lives in a second house on my parents property. So, anything I say to him will make it back to my mom and I really don't want that.
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@MaisyMay: welcome. I'm sorry about your loss. Are you doing anything to keep him alive for your lo?
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Here is a picture of me and my dad at my wedding. He was pretty ill here and died less than 6 months later.
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I just love seeing everyone with their parents. I actually have tears looking through this thread.
My dad never met DH, and I hate that, because I know he would have loved him and his family.
My parents split when I was seven but he remarried. My stepmother started dating REALLY soon after he died. Less than a year. That was really hard for my (half) sister who was 8. she thought her dad was actually being replaced. I didn't care except for my sister, and respect for my dad.
How are your relationships with your remaining parent(s)? my stepmom and I are okay, but I don't know for sure if we'd still be in touch if not for my sister.... My mom and I are estranged. She's undiagnosed borderline personality disorder. Things were really rocky for the last few years, and Thanksgiving 2012 I finally let go. It's mostly been a huge relief and very liberating, but not having any parent's is obviously very hard, and when it was close to delivery it was even worse. My midwife was asking what my support system was outside of my in-laws and I just had nothing to say...
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@owlteach: that sucks, it's too bad you can't talk to them at least.
@Cherrybee: beautiful pic!
@knittylady: my mom and I have always had a strange relationship. I feel like we've gotten closer since my dad died but at the same time our relationship has gotten more complicated as I've also become a mother in that time. I have feelings of guilt, resentment, love, sadness...
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@MrsRoo: Her last weekend in the hospital is also burned into my mind. The ventilator... realizing she wasn't going to wake up... hospice. Though hospice was wonderful to me, and I want to volunteer there someday. They took such good care of her for her last few days, and they helped me get through it emotionally.
Here's my mom and I on my wedding day. She hadn't gotten changed yet... She was just hanging out while I got ready. I love this one because I can hear her big laugh.
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@owlteach: It's still too soon, but I've given this thought already. I have no idea if my dad will want to date again. I know my parents had discussed that in the past, and that my mom would have wanted him to be happy. But the thought of it really bothers me. I know that's selfish, but I just really don't like the thought at all. I understand why you don't want to deal with it.
@knittylady: My dad and I became a lot closer after she was diagnosed. We were never that super close, honestly. We argued a lot when I was younger. My mom and I were the ones who were close. But, since all of this has happened, I have a much stronger relationship with my dad. We lean on each other a lot. The majority of my support system consists of my husband and my friends, however. I don't have a lot of family members, other than my dad and brother. And DS of course.
@NurseMommy: I went through my phone searching for old voicemails from her, but I didn't have any. Her voice started going about 3 weeks after she was diagnosed, and I started looking then. I have her on video at my wedding, and I have an old family video from 1990 where she talks a lot. It makes me so sad that I don't have more recordings. I miss her voice, and I worry I'm going to forget it someday.
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My dad passed away from lung cancer in 1996, I was 13 years old. It blows my mind that I have lived a life longer without him in it than a life that he's been it. It breaks my heart that he didn't get to see me graduate hs/college, walk me down the aisle, meet my DD or our soon to be daughter that'll be here in a couple of weeks.
It makes me sad and I still have guilt for not visiting him the day before he died because I was in denial that the end was near. My family visited him that afternoon and then we got the call later that night.
We try to keep his memory alive by keeping pictures of him around the house and always telling dd who he is when she points to his picture.
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@lavender: I wish there is something I could say that would help with that guilt. I understand, that I could give you the logical reasons why you shouldn't feel that way, but with emotions, sometimes they just aren't logical! (hugs)
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@Pepper: Beautiful picture! She seems so happy to be with you. It's just crazy how much those wedding pictures mean to me now, and I can see from the posts of others that you guys get that in a way that others may not. After losing him, I'm so glad we spent the $ to have a photographer there for the day!
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I actually wish my mom would meet someone and start dating again. It's been 17 years since my dad died though. In the beginning I would have had a hard time with it but now I wish she had someone. Instead her life revolves around my sister and I. It can be stifling but I know she's lonely.
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My mom died almost three years ago very suddenly. She had a blood clot in her leg that moved to her lung. She was literally fine that morning and then gone that evening. We live four hours a way and I have such vivid memories of my dad calling to say that they were taking her to the hospital in an ambulance and he would call me when they knew more. I got in the shower and when I got out my DH was on the phone and I could tell by the look on his face that she was gone. Then we had to drive four hours in a snow storm to get down there and I never got to say goodbye.
She never got to meet my son, and it just breaks my heart. She loved kids and babies so much and she would have been such a great grandma. She never asked me when we were having kids or pressured me, but I know she wanted a grand baby so much. It was so hard going through my miscarriage and then the pregnancy with my son without her. We are coming up on the third anniversary of her death in February and this will be the first since my son was born. The holidays were bittersweet because it was his first Christmas but his grandma wasn't here, and never will be here.
@Pepper: I have that book but I haven't been able to bring myself to read it yet.
@owlteach: my dad has been dating his girlfriend for about a year now. He met her online (on that over 50 dating site) and I really like her. But it is still kind of hard for me to see him with someone who isn't my mom. But I want him to be happy. He deserves it...he's only 55 and has a long life ahead of him and I would hate for him to spend it alone.
@knittylady: my dad and I have a great relationship, but there are a lot of things I can't talk to him about. He has been a big support though, especially with DS. He stayed with us for almost two weeks after he was born and helped out so much. A lot of dads wouldn't do that...
@Pepper: my phone deleted all my old voicemails and I cried so hard when I realized it. I don't have any videos with her voice and it makes me so sad and I feel like I'm already forgetting her voice.
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Three of my favorite photos with her. The first is from my wedding, with my aunt and cousin (we were like the four musketeers). Then at a Tigers game. And my favorite picture from when I was little.
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@JamieLee: Wonderful pictures of you with your mom
I hope I can get to the point of being ok with whoever my mom picks. I have faith in her judgement. She is 55 too, and I really don't want her to be alone forever either. I just am still having a hard time with it. Maybe in another year, I will be handling it better.
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@lavender: I understand the guilt, and I hope you take it easy on yourself. I was in denial a lot too, and I have guilt over what I should have said or didn't say. Hugs.
@JamieLee: I'm so sorry you had to lose her so suddenly. My mom wanted grandkids so badly, but she never, ever pressured me or even made comments, either.
@owlteach: I know, I think about that all the time! My mom hated having her picture taken. She avoided it at all costs. She made an exception for my wedding though, and I'm so glad we have those memories.
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@lamariniere: I remember you posting about your mom when mine was sick. Hugs right back at you
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@JamieLee: you and your mom look so happy together
It seems like our stories are similar, both lost our mom's suddenly and have baby boys. I remember my son's first Christmas in 2012 and it was so so hard because I was excited for his first holiday but my mom wasn't there to see it and it just broke my heart.Anyone else struggle with how your parents died? I really really do. I think about how scared and alone she must of felt and I break down just thinking about it. She was home alone watching my two year old niece when she got sick and called my stepdad for help. He and my bro and I raced there (We called 911 too get an ambulance there but they just sent a cop) We all kept calling her phone but she could answer her phone but couldn't talk. I still have those hauting images yelling into the phone and just hearing background noise. Sh kept trying to answer the phone but she just couldn't talk. By the time they got there (I was further away and arrived a couple minutes after my bro and stepdad) she was uncousious by herself. it kills me that she was by herself when this happened. She didn't die til 2 days later on life support (another very very emotionally hard thing for me to talk about) I just don't understand how she died so suddenly. I talked to 20 minutes before this all happened and she was playing with my niece and was as happy as can be. thank god the last thing I said to her before that end of the phone call was that I loved her. I just cant get over that she had to die like that. She didn't deserve to die like that. SHe was so scared. Ok I have to stop for now, im getting to upset
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@stargal: Oh my goodness, I can completely understand why you would replay this in your mind over and over. Hugs. xx
Yeah, I can't stop thinking about the way he was and how he looked in the end. He was five stone, bed ridden and full of morphine when he lost his battle with cancer. The end seemed to drag on and on. He would have rare moments of consciousness and even rarer moments of lucidness - and I can't help but think that he must have been so, so scared. I can't imagine what it's like to know that you are dying. It breaks my heart to remember it.
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@stargal: yes. It haunts me... I'll be almost asleep at night and then start thinking about the last few days and have a panic attack.
I just started typing it all out and had to stop and delete it because I can't handle having it out there. I feel too guilty and upset about it still.
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@stargal: yes
The cancer spread to his brain suddenly (colon cancer) but we had no idea at the time and all of a sudden he didn't know who we were and got super physically ill, disoriented, etc. kills me that the last hours we spent with him at the hospital he had no idea what was going on and we couldn't say goodbye. He just went downhill so fast
@NurseMommy: haunts me too. *hugs*
I also totally get the fear of lung cancer, even though my mom got it from smoking and I've never so much as touched a cigarette. It's only just recently that I've felt comfortable even imagining my life past the age of 38....
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