Friends not in the same "place" as you?

this weekend i could tell something was bother DH, but he would just say i'm tired, or i'm fine. yesterday i finally got it out of him that it's bothering him that none of his friends are in the same place as he is in their lives, and (besides me) feels like he's got no one to relate/talk to. i had a feeling this was the problem because since DS was born 4 1/2 weeks ago, his friends rarely text(forget about calling) or see if he wants to do something. i'm guessing they don't want to bother him because of the baby, or think he's too busy to hang out. i told him to text this to do something this sunday and he kind of shrugged it off. i also told him to start seeing if his friends from work that are married/have kids want to get together. i feel bad for him, but i know how he feels, because i'm pretty much in the same boat. i hang out in the house most of the day(unless i go to the store, or for a walk with LO) and don't really talk to anyone, because my friends are also not in the same place as i am(which i find funny, because DH and i, and our friends, are all in our late 20's, early 30's).

if your friends weren't in the same place as you, and didn't seem as 'interested' in hanging out once LO was born, where did you make friends? i feel like i'm in high school again, trying to make friends, but it can get lonely. plus it would be nice to have someone to relate to...

anyone else in the same situation?

DillonLion
GOLD / eggplant / 11517 posts

Jun 4, 2012

Yep - I'm 24 and DH is 26, so there are not a whole lot of other married/with a baby on the way couples that are our age. I've just been trying to stay in contact with friends and listen to what is going on in their lives/be supportive, even if I can't relate to exactly what they are going through. And, so far, they have done the same for me. I'm sure this will change once the baby is actually here, but for now, things seem to be going okay.
chopsuey
hostess / wonderful honeydew / 32460 posts

Jun 4, 2012

That stinks. All of DH's friends are single, but they always drop by and we'll go out for dinner, watch movies at home, etc. I made sure that DH stayed in touch with his friends, encouraged him to go out with the guys, etc.
I moved to GA from CA when we got married so all my friends and family are out there. We met some married with children friends at church and hang out with them once in a while. I'm happy being at home and taking outings with my LO though. Not gonna lie, socializing and play dates are exhausting for me--especially since I'm pregnant again.
Rescuemom10
pear / 1965 posts

Jun 4, 2012

I kind of experienced it the other way. Dh and I are both in our late 20's and the last of our friends to have a baby (besides DH's older DD from previous marriage) so we honeslty did feel especially right after a friend had a baby to give space and that they were busy with new baby etc...
heffalump
GOLD / wonderful grape / 20289 posts

Jun 4, 2012

My friends and I aren't in the same place at all. But they stopped asking me to hang out after I got engaged. My friend who is always the planner of events told me that she always assumed I'm busy with DH. I'm not sure why.... I lived with him before we got engaged and I was still able to hang out! So now that the baby is here it's even worse.

I just kind of give up on them and hang out with other mommy friends. My good friend now is DH's best friend's wife. She has a 3 year old and a baby on the way. Also, we've been trying to hang out with families with young kids in our neighborhood. One of our neighbors organizes get togethers once a month for us. Maybe you can try doing something like that.
Minnie_Girl
persimmon / 1453 posts

Jun 4, 2012

DH is 32 so he's already had to adjust to friends at mixed stages in life. However, I'm 24, none of my close friends are married or remotely close to having kids, and I don't know anyone that's currently pregnant.

I've made a serious effort to spend normal hangout time with my friends since getting married. Now that I'm expecting a baby, I need to pay even more attention to those relationships, so that we can maintain the interests/type of friendship we've always shared. It's important to nurture the common ground and not go overboard on the wedding and baby talk.

Most of the support and camaraderie, in terms of the place I am in life right now, comes from family, not friends. And that's OK! The important thing is that I'm getting the support and socialization I need without neglecting old friends.

There's no reason why you can't hang out with all kinds. Just so long as you get the support you need. Maybe that extra support for marriage and pregnancy needs to come from new friends that know first-hand what it's like. I've found my family to be really great for that, personally. And I still love my old friends for the way we can have fun together and enjoy common interests.
Mrs. Jacks
blogger / pineapple / 12381 posts

Jun 4, 2012

Many of our closest friends were not in the same place as us. Things really sorted themselves out though.

Those friends who were not destined to stay friends just sort of jettisoned themselves and stopped responding to calls or messages (or we stopped responding to theirs).

Important friends tended to be unsure and give us a little space at first. Now they are used to us having a family. One of those very hipster single friends is coming to stay with us this week! Those that really matter will filter back! It helps to make sure you guys continue to make the effort to call and to hang out either with or without the baby.

New friends cropped up EVERYWHERE! With new babies, it's only natural that you become friends with other folks with new families. Involve yourself in a peer parenting network, find a baby class and start connecting with parents of kids the same age. These are our dearest friends now!
mrs. bird
bananas / 9628 posts

Jun 4, 2012

The only married friends we have live out of state or have moved out of the country, so we experienced a lot of this when we were planning our wedding/ when we got married. My friends are a little better about it as they adore DH, but his friends don't ask him to do things very often now. He gets a little down about it. I try to make him see what they're up to when I go spend time with my friends, then he doesn't feel like he's ditching me for them. He also spends an absurd amount of time at the gym, while that's not really hanging out with friends, he gets lots of time to socialize while he's there. I try to point put babies when we're out going things just to show him that once we have a baby it's not the end of time leaving the house and seeing people.

Maybe explain that people get really nervous about interrupting new parents, so they avoid bothering them, it's not that they want to leave him out. So have him invite them over to watch a movie, play video games, watch a game, whatever their thing is, might make them more comfortable. If will be different than the way they're used to seeing one another, but it can still be done!
Baby Boy Mom
pomegranate / 3983 posts

Jun 4, 2012

We're in this situation as well. In the meantime we've made new "family" friends. I joined a local mommy group, and I take LO to a mommy-baby yoga class and through those outlets I've met lots of people. Not all of them will be friends for life, but friends for now is good enough. Our good friends (that aren't in the same stage yet), I will email once in a while just to catch up, and honestly as soon as they are pregnant they "come back" so I just think of it as a lull in our friendships (and an opportunity to meet new people) and try not to be too offended that they're not really interested in baby stuff now. Good luck!
SleepyMonkey
grapefruit / 4006 posts

Jun 4, 2012

This is very common and something that we have experienced too. There is not a lot you can do except make it clear that you still want to hang out with them and it shouldn't change things between you guys. But at the end of the day you are in a different life stage than they are and you don't have as much in common anymore. The good thing is that most of these friends will "catch up" eventually and your friendship will return. Most friendships are cyclical like that, I have learned and they kind of fade in and fade out multiple times over the years.
Mrs. Pen
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts

Jun 4, 2012

Yes, same with me. However, DH and I had moved back to my hometown right before getting married, so we didn't know anyone here anyway, the only people I knew were friends from high school and I wasn't really friends with them. But since I'm only 22, all my "friends" are just graduating college, maybe dating, and I'm married with a baby! So totally different worlds altogether.
We joined a new church though, right before I got pregnant and have made soo many new friends, all are married and about half have babies or are pregnant. The ones that are just married love the fact that some of us have babies, we all have so much fun hanging out together, so I'm really happy I met these people before having a baby.

I am excited for Cobi to be at the age where we start meeting other moms, either by taking baby/kid classes together, going to the park/library - I find that people are much more likely to approach and befriend you if you have a child.
Mrs. Pen
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts

Jun 4, 2012

oh, by the way, I know that feeling was even more strong when DH and I got married. I was only 20! So I totally know the feeling. You really just gotta put yourself out there and really initiate friendships. And sometimes there is just a time to be patient with it all. DH and I didn't really have any friends other than my family the first 1-1.5 years we were married. It was hard, yes, but we learned to rely on each other and be there for each other. I think it was good for us.
lilteacherbee
cantaloupe / 6791 posts

Jun 4, 2012

@Coco Bee: I'm feeling you, except we don't have a baby (yet!). 21 when we got married and now we are 22/23.

@sarbear: I totally understand the feeling. A ton of people I know got married right after college, but none were my close friends. So my friends don't really know that even though I'm married, I still want to hang out with them! My closest friend is DH's cousin's wife who has a 5 year old and is 8 months pregnant, because she gets it (and all the TTC craziness)!

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