I had a close friend to whom I met at prenatal yoga. she had the same due date as I did. We were close for as long as our DSes were born. We had playdates. She had a divorce when our DSes were 2, and I was there to support her through that, selling her house...etc. My DS knocked my front teeth off (long story) when he was 3. She, being a dentist, fixed them for me before I had to get out of town in 2 days for a high school reunion (!!!), her portion of work completely free. We saw each other every other week (she had her DS every other week). Our DSs were BFFs and we were BFFs, life was great.
6 years later, the dynamic seemingly changed. Our kids went to different schools and they no longer talk about wanting to see each other. My friend is obviously doing very well and has recently gotten a country club membership, and things have started to shift there. We still attempted to see each other whenever we could.
There was an incident in February. We got tickets to Disney on Ice at 5:30pm. We planned to carpool at 3:30pm or so to fight Sunday downtown traffic. I didn't know her ex had her DS that weekend. It ended up her ex was late, and couldn't return her DS until late ("4:30-ish"). We went to pick up the tickets from her at 3pm so we could go first. Somehow we decided to stay and wait until 4-ish, and they still haven't shown up. I decided to leave with DS and she said she would make her ex drop them off at the arena. At the end the traffic was so terrible we were stuck until 6-ish pm in order to get into the parking lot, and we missed a good first half of the show. However, they got in just fine because they didn't have to park. At 5:30 she called me to see where I was and I screamed at her on the phone. After we finally got there, I was so angry I wasn't able to talk to her until the show was over. My bad (and I apologized afterwards), but I was furious that she shouldn't have OK'd to the event if she knew her ex was taking her DS out of town. And he was not known to have his ducks in a row. Had I knew and not get the tickets, this whole thing would have been avoided.
I felt that since then, our friendship cracked. We were planning a Disney trip toward the end of the year, and one thing after another she "postponed" it indefinitely. Every time we were to plan a thing, or I asked her for a play date, things always fell through. When we finally agreed to go somewhere, it would always, always ended up being changed to going to her country club (us as her guests) instead, or she'd flat out cancel on me on the day of the event. She had this thing where if she didn't want to do something, she wouldn't tell you until 10 minutes before. She would always end up not being able to go. She stood us up for mother's day -- we were going to meet at a family event at the art center, but after DS and I got there, she texted me explaining how many errands she had to run, and how now she realized it was for younger children (it was not), and she probably couldn't make it. Poor DS kept asking why his friend wasn't there yet.
On top of that, recently she met a friend who was also a single mom with an esteemed profession (lawyer) with a DS. That friend had been posting pictures of them going to places that WE had previously talked about we would go together. And then she seemed to have started building her country club of friends.
At first I felt bad and I felt responsible for the "crack", as I screamed at her on that faithful day. I apologized to her and we have talked about it. She reassured that she was OK, but it didn't seem to be better. I even talked to my therapist about it.
But now, especially after the past few months where I had to go back to Hong Kong to see my mom (who suddenly got ill, and eventually she passed away last month), I felt that I am over with the friendship. When my mom was still in critical situation, my friend would suggest frivolous fun things to do such as picking peaches...etc. I was very annoyed and turned off.
I felt that ultimately we have moved to different places in our lives. I felt that her friendship to me was no longer genuine as she has found new friends that is more "appropriate", and she has moved onto a completely different social circle. She no longer needs me, and that is her way to distance me. I don't want friends like that.
If you watched The Real Housewives of NYC, it was very much like the fall out between Bethenny and Carole. It can not be explained but something has changed.
Sorry to have typed an essay. Do you feel that I overreacted? What would you do if you were me - do you feel that I should continue with the friendship, or if I should talk to her about what I feel, or just fade away? This has been bothering me for a while and I had no one to talk to about it. DH thought I was crazy but I am just very over it. Please hold your judgement and be nice.... thanks for your input
persimmon / 1023 posts
At this point I would not continue with the friendship. She is making it clear that she doesn’t value your time or plans that you’ve set up and that would drive me crazy after a few times it happened. I just have no patience for that. We make time in our schedules to get DS ready to go, he gets excited, we potentially turn down other plans to go so flaking at the last second is just rude. Unfortunately, if she is going though a difficult life phase, her priorities might have changed or she may not even realize she’s being a bad friend with everything else going on.
I would probably stop making plans and see if she comes to you, but if not, I would let it go. It sucks but maybe it will come back around later with her. I just wouldn’t go out of my way to stay in contact and put the ball in her court.
As for the overreacting, that depends. I probably would have had a snide remark if it was my friend but I wouldn’t have made a huge thing as I could have gone early like I planned to initially. I would have been pretty mad if she didn’t apologize for holding everything up though.
cherry / 119 posts
I've been in a similar place actually. So I can relate. I can relate to the pain of a distanced relationship, especially one that seemed resolved. But unfortunately nothing can be done about other people's choices. You can absolutely choose to talk to her about it at some point, but I would also encourage you to move on.
I still struggle with the pain of my situation, which is a little bit different, and it's been years actually. I had to forgive them and myself and surround myself by new people. Little by little. It's gotten a lot better.
Major hugs to you.
nectarine / 2964 posts
@muffinsmuffins: Thanks Yes, she does that all the time since the day I knew her. You had to catch that "vibe" that she didn't like a thing, or if you didn't, 90% of the time she just won't show up. Granted that she knew that DS and I always go to the art center and we'd be fine without her, but it was her idea to spend mother's day together. Had she not suggest to spend it with us, we would have gone to an art festival with DH instead. She did meet us for dinner that night, because she liked the restaurant that I bended backwards to make a reservation.
I have told her about what I noticed about her before, but that doesn't seem to change. Maybe she flat out think it is OK.
I stopped making plans and in a way I attempted to "ghost" her. She had texted me a few times when I was in Hong Kong, but I didn't want to talk to her about anything so I didn't respond. When we were still in Hong Kong and toward the time when we should be back home, she texted me asking if we want to meet for Tapas on Sunday night. It really rubbed me the wrong way. If we were really friends, and your friend hasn't respond to your texts, maybe you could ask me out for coffee without kids and see how I was doing... instead of suggesting picking peaches and Sunday dinners in places with loud music as if nothing happened. I don't know. At the end I did text her back saying that my feelings were hurt since we canceled Disney. Since the whole commotion of my mother was sick / passed away / funeral...etc., I still felt very hurt and I needed some time.
For the Disney on ice, yes you are right, I could have stuck to my guns and just dash out of the house as soon as I got the tickets.... I guess she convinced me that they could show up at any minute and we could still carpool together (truthfully I didn't even know how to get to the parking lot that she pre-purchased the parking ticket to, there were a ton of parking lots down there). I was mad too because I felt I wasn't given information which would have allowed me to make a good choice. I didn't know about her ex + DS was out of town until 1pm that day (when she called me about them running late), while she knew all along and didn't tell me. She pre-purchased 1 parking ticket as she claimed she knew her way around and we should carpool together. I thought she was going to drive so I didn't research about it. Had I knew, there was no way I would agree to carpool. It was always a mad house down there and I would have rode the subway to the arena instead.
@MrsDynamiteGal: Sorry to hear that ... at least you get to circle yourself with new friends. Being an introvert, meeting friends for me is like pulling teeth, especially it has to be someone that has kids that DS gets along with.... meeting mom friends is harder than dating, I swear Good luck to you, hugs and hope you feel better soon
cherry / 119 posts
@irene: You're right, it is hard.
persimmon / 1111 posts
@irene: Did she know you were in Hong Kong and how sick your mom was? You cannot expect her to be a mind reader. She wanted to hang out, you declined.
As far as Disney, it falls in the life happens realm. Her son was supposed to be home. Her ex didn't live up to the custody agreement. You cannot blame her for that. You were frustrated, but I bet she was too.
As far as salvaging it, what do you want? I'd plan a few low key activities and then reevaluate
nectarine / 2243 posts
@irene: I agree that maybe the friendship has run its course, but have you considered the split from her point of view? Your comments about how she has tried to reach out but they weren’t the “right” activities sort of rubs me the wrong way. She was reaching out, she was trying. She’s not a mind reader. In her mind, doing something “frivolous” might have been to take your mind off things. “Tapas” could have been just to reach out and talk. You can’t blame her for trying if you aren’t going to tell her what kind of support you need.
You were really angry at a specific time (which wasn’t even entirely her fault) but that seems to have seeped over and colored other things as well. If she is legit getting out of all of your plans then that’s one thing, but it appears that she is still reaching out?
There’s not much you can do about the country club, other than not letting the green eyed monster of jealously mess with things. Go with her if she offers; maybe you’ll meet some people there too.
Do you want to salvage it? I can’t tell from your comments. But often times looking at these relationship splits both sides often helps put things in perspective as both parties are often at fault.
persimmon / 1023 posts
@irene: I mean, if she had started this behaviour before that incident, I could see how you would lose it a bit as it was maybe building up with little things over time and this went over the edge. What’s done is done for that and I would move on. The tapas incident could have been just her wanting to talk after not hearing from you, who knows. However, If she didn’t ask how you were or how she could support you knowing your mom passed, that would be very telling.
It depends if you really want to try and salvage it. It sounds like she mostly annoys you so I think I would give it some time and space away. My best friend from growing up is the type who usually likes what she plans best and has gone through phases where she can flake if something better comes along. But I accept that’s just her and we still have a great friendship even if we don’t see each other or talk regularly (we live 3 hrs away anyway) Another longtime friends husband recently got back into a competitive sport and they started hanging with that crowd again which we aren’t part of, so I don’t hear from her much. After we loosely made plans a couple times that never panned out, I just left it and will see if we cross paths again. I can accept that people and circumstances change and I can choose if I want to hang around or not if the friendship is truly valuable. It does really really suck making and keeping friends the older we get and the more our families grow and change. I lament our lack of big friend groups all the time and how we never see certain people for whatever reason anymore. I think it comes back around as kids get older and parents gain more independence back...my parents and everyone in their age group has way better social lives than anyone I know my own age!
nectarine / 2431 posts
@irene: I've read through your post and comments and my only thought is this:
Forget about the past, what she did, what you said, what you meant to each other. Do you want the person she is today in your life? If you do, you should be willing to let all the other stuff go because you accept who she is (faults included.) If you would rather treasure the memories and move forward, then you have your answer. If you aren't sure, then take some time and reevaluate. No matter what, I would let the past go.
nectarine / 2964 posts
@Pollywog: Yes she knows about my mom. In fact when we still didn't know what was the diagnosis / what was going on and we didn't think she would die (so soon), My friend was the first (only) one who said, yeah, it sounded like her organs are failing. She wouldn't live long. I am so sorry. And you are right about the Disney on Ice thing. At this point I am not sure if I am psychologically prepared to salvage anything. I am still in a stage of extreme annoyance and hurt. It will take me a long time to move pass it, but it may be too late then. But then I really couldn't pretend all is well.
@Littlebit7: Thanks. "tapas" is code for the tapas restaurant we always go to which has live music, our kids dance like crazy, and we can't hear each other because it is so loud. You are right that I am letting my anger seep through many things. After so much has happened the past few months, deep inside of me, I am really not in a place where I want to be stood up anymore. And I don't want to make plans and they always somehow all got changed to go back to the country club. In terms of jealousy, I think it was more me feeling hurt that I was being replaced by her new friend, and (ahem again) the country club . Yes it is not her fault at all, I am happy for her that things are going so well, but at this point I feel like there is no place for me in her life. We are in very different places. I know the membership is expensive, but I flat out just don't understand why would anyone spend almost 24/7 at the country club which she does lol. I am not sure I want to be in the place where I am just waiting to be summoned. We used to be close, and now I am just waiting for her to summon me for the things she wants to do, or throw out dates and times and activities hopefully 1 out of 10 hits the target of what she might be available and want to do. It is hurtful. And when something hurts you tend to naturally want to stay away from it. Does that make any sense at all?
@muffinsmuffins: Thank you dear... I agree to everything you said. I'll give it some time as at this point I am not willing to salvage anything. I need to let it completely cool down, which would take months, then I'll think about it again. I am just afraid to get hurt again when I get stood up, or she has no time for us anymore and turn down whatever activities I suggested.
@crazydoglady: Thanks. The thing is if I forget about the past and salvage the friendship, the old habits is going to happen again. So at this point I don't know if I want to salvage the friendship at all. Hence my lengthy post as I honestly don't know what to do.
nectarine / 2431 posts
@irene: But that's exactly what I mean. Forgetting the specific things that happened, the who did what, and the nostalgic history you have with her. Knowing who she is just as a person at this very moment-- is this someone you want in your life or not?
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
You don't have to have only one group of friends or friends. I have several groups that don't cross over because of location, age, work, school, etc and it's good because there's always someone to make plans with. I don't look at it as all or nothing.
I am naturally a loner though, I enjoy my alone time or doing things with one other person and their family, so I can understand where you're coming from. On the other hand, I am considering joining a pool club come next summer just for the socialization perspective!
pomegranate / 3230 posts
She has shown you who she is. Do you want a friendship on those terms or not?
persimmon / 1101 posts
@irene: I think, like in most situations in life, no one is totally right and no one is totally wrong. If rebuilding and maintaining the relationship fills you with this much anger and stress, it sounds like it's worth letting the friendship go for both your sakes. If the thought of having to explain your decision is overwhelming, that's okay, I think you can just let it fade away by keeping your distance. It sounds like that's the path the friendship is already on, so unless she reaches out to you in a sincere way I think you've made your decision.
nectarine / 2964 posts
@crazydoglady: @ElbieKay: hmm. I really don't know. I just feel bad for DS because that means we probably won't see his friend either (unless we do drop off playdates which would be super awkward).
@looch: Yes I am like you, I am a natural loner. I have 0 groups ! Maybe I need to force myself to join something but I never had the time. Sadly I never made mom friends at school or baseball practice. They were always awkward acquaintances, and I don't volunteer enough to see people more often. Wondering how to change that...
@babypugs: Yes, I think even if either of us "salvage" anything, the fact is we are moving in separate directions and she won't have time for us like before.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
If you were really, really close, she definitely should not have left a tiff/fight/bad day affect your friendship. For example, one of my best friends and I had a blow out crazy fight but we got over it and moved on. We both agreed that it's just like any relationship; you don't know how close you really are till you have and survive a fight! It shouldn't matter whose fault it was, etc.
Anyway, I think that happened because she was starting to drift away anyway, and kind of just used that as the 'last straw'. I'm sorry friend! I think it's time to just let the friendship go and focus on cultivating other friendships you have or looking for new ones. It also seems like she made no effort to really care for you when you were dealing with your mom's illness/passing
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
@irene: I have forced myself to make the time. it's one of those things where the benefits far outweighs the costs and I find that the more I do, the easier it becomes. It's not easy to step up to volunteer for something at a school (particularly when the events have been running for a long period of time) but people are glad for the help.
squash / 13199 posts
@irene: friendships fade sometimes. To me this sounds like more than just one argument but rather a gradual distancing. Friendship shouldnt be one sided if you are the only one making the effort to meet up etc than thats your answer right there
nectarine / 2964 posts
@snowjewelz: @Mrsbells: and everyone, thanks -- I thought she was drifting away but I wasn't sure if I was too sensitive, needy or overreacting. It is good to get some confirmation of my belief. It is very sad. I guess time to step up my game to find other social bubbles...
@looch: For some odd reason, there is something about me and the rest of my school's moms that we don't click. Here's to a new year and new beginnings