My SIL is getting married soon and our entire family is in the wedding. I am excited for her and we Want to be a part of the celebration, but having all of us in the wedding is so darn expensive. Our outfits, the shower, and a long weekend in a luxury resort are really stretching our budget. My bridesmaid dress cost $537 after alterations!!!! I didn’t feel like I could say no, especially since she is family.
Have you ever told a friend or family member that you couldn’t be in a wedding?
grapefruit / 4455 posts
I haven't (but haven't been asked that many times!) and I wouldn't for a SIL unless she's not close to the family. Unless you really can't. And even then I'd offer to do it but maybe without the resort or something like that. That's a lot of her to ask!
nectarine / 2431 posts
I haven't, but I also haven't been a part of such an extravagant wedding. I kind of think you *have* to do it if you are financially able. If you aren't, you might need to be prepared to have financial help offered (unless you can come up with a different reason!) FWIW, I wouldn't be able to commit to that expense especially if there wasn't time to save.
nectarine / 2951 posts
We’ve already said yes obviously, but in hindsight my DH and I said we should have declined because it’s so expensive!
nectarine / 2431 posts
@Alba4: Whoops! Somehow I missed that you've already committed. Sounds like a fabulous wedding!
wonderful cherry / 21504 posts
Wow- $537 for the dress? I hope you really like it!
I have not ever declined but I’ve only been a bridesmaid a few times. My SIL asked me to be a reader at her wedding but I declined because my then 3 year old was a flower girl and I wanted to be able to focus on her. Had she asked me to be a bridesmaid I would have done it, but I’m glad she didn’t ask
I do feel like with family you pretty much had to say yes.
grapefruit / 4492 posts
I haven't said no before, but I haven't been asked by anyone other than very very close friends and my sister. Expecting your bridesmaids to pay for an expensive dress on top of travel, lodging, and gifts really irks me. I had probably one of the most expensive weddings out of my group of friends, I picked a $250 bridesmaid dress and paid for $185 of each (except paid for my entire MOH's dress because she bought mine when I was hers) and left alterations and accessories up to them. You're asking them to be a part of your wedding and then making them incur all these extra costs.
Sorry, mini rant
pomelo / 5573 posts
No, but I’ve only been in one wedding. It was really expensive because it was a destination wedding, but it was my oldest friend and the resort was really nice, and it was before we had kids, so it was worth it.
pear / 1642 posts
I declined once, DH was the best man in a friends wedding and I was asked to be a bridesmaid. Im not close to the bride so I took a few days to respond and declined. It seemed clear that I was being asked to even out the numbers and I didn’t feel like it justified the expense/commitment of being a bridesmaid.
I couldn’t imagine declining for family, even though in the thick of being in a wedding sometimes I wish I had! I think we spent close to $3k to be in my sisters wedding after planning bachelorette and bachelor parties, both of us and DD1 in the wedding + travel. It was really stressful!
pomegranate / 3768 posts
I declined once but only because I was pregnant and it was a destination wedding.
wonderful pea / 17279 posts
No, never been asked. However my bff declined. She’s been a BM for at least 4-5 weddings prior to. Her bro and future SIL were a little sore at first, but it all worked out in the end. All love.
Having everyone in the wedding sounds really intense.
grapefruit / 4466 posts
No, I would be hesitant to unless it was a medical reason or something - i.e. couldn't travel due to pregnancy. But sheesh, $500+ for a dress is crazy, imho.
I did turn down a friend's 30th birthday destination trip to a lavish Caribbean resort. I think she was not very happy about it, but it was really, really expensive...
cherry / 160 posts
I don't think you can decline in that situation. I haven't declined before (only been a BM 3 times) but I would only if I couldn't make the wedding, I think. However, $500+ of a dress is absurd!! I really don't think you can ask people to pay over $200 for a BM dress. Not sure why you can do about it at this point unless you frankly tell her you can't afford the dress.
nectarine / 2461 posts
@Alba4: damn, over $500?
Guess the cheese stands alone here, but I would feel free to say no even for no reason other than I didn't want to--I think wedding-mania is way out of control and the sense of obligation to fulfill someone else's vision for their day is pretty misplaced. However, I only say that solidly in my mid-30s, I think when I was younger I would have gritted my teeth and done it.
grapefruit / 4361 posts
Yikes! That is an expensive dress! I can't see declining to be a bridesmaid, but I would have no problem saying certain parts of it are too expensive, when the need arises. Like, I was asked to be a bridesmaid back in July, for a wedding next October, and I already am pretty sure I am going to turn down the bachelorette party because of $$/kids/travel. My friend has expensive tastes so I am a bit worried. Also, her wedding is across the country and a kid-free weekend slate of events, when I will have a 3 & 1 year old.
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
Uggggh that is so expensive! That would have been a crazy expense for us too when we already don't have a ton of room for extra's in our life. But I feel like you really can't say no to family....
If she is a reasonable person, can you talk to her and see if there's any way to save on costs for anyone's oufits, or is it possible to stay outside of the resort? I know it's prob much more convenient too but if there are other hotel options or airbnb close by?
Knowing what's to come I'd def start putting aside money now too!
pomegranate / 3973 posts
I did decline to be a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding... but it was a week before my own wedding (booked after I booked mine) and she let me know up front she'd understand if I said no.
(It was a good thing too since she ended up cancelling it and I would've been PO'd to have spent the money on a dress for no reason.)
In that instance I couldn't justify the extra money and time to help with her wedding and events when I was working on my own.
apricot / 430 posts
That cost for a dress is ridiculous, but not out of the ordinary, I'm afraid. Yuck. Can you resell the dress afterwards? I don't think I could decline the whole thing for family, but I might skip out on the bachelorette party.
I haven't declined being a bridesmaid, but we (both DH and I were in the wedding party) have skipped out on a jack and jill bachelorette/bachelor party in Vegas. They were fine with our decision and it didn't make things awkward at the wedding.
My best friend from college declined being my bridesmaid because she found out she was due 1 month before. She was able to come to the wedding and I totally didn't begrudge her backing out. She did still fly out for my shower.
I kind of wish we had declined DH's groomsmen duties for a destination wedding in Mexico. His clothing ended up being surprisingly expensive and while they enjoyed the all-inclusive resort, it would not be how we chose to spend $3K. That being said, I'm not sure they would still consider us friends if we had declined. Ironically, we have kind of lost touch anyway. We moved across country shortly before their wedding, so it's difficult to say why we've lost touch.
pear / 1717 posts
@Alba4: Yes! Actually I declined to be someone's MOH. I was good friends with the groom and the bride to be had little friends and asked me to be her MOH. As awkward as it was, weddings are expensive and I did not feel like we were close enough for me to hold such an important title. She was not thrilled with me and I ended up not getting invited to the wedding.
pomelo / 5129 posts
I declined being my sister's.
But...she was 19 when she got engaged and had been dating the guy for like 3 months (and they were getting married 6 months later.
And they were getting married in the mormon temple. Our family is Catholic, so we weren't allowed to witness the actual marriage. So I was invited to drive two hours to a wedding I couldn't actually attend, sit in a visiting center, then drive two hours back home to be a bridesmaid in a ring ceremony at the local church. It seemed very exclusionary.
There were hard feelings for a long time (she didn't come to my wedding 14 years later). But now that my sister is getting divorced, I think she's over it
apricot / 488 posts
I had to say no to one of my best friends from college. Her wedding was schedualed 2 weeks after my due date. I ended up going over 40weeks, had an emergency c section and a HORRIBLE recovery so there was no way I could fly across the country with a week old and not being able to walk yet ha. Still, I felt so bad and still to this day wish there was someway to have made it work. But we are really close so a whole different situation.
squash / 13199 posts
@Alba4: yes I have. The tming was impossible for me and also super expensive. I have seen so many friendships fall out because of wedding related drama and I just had to be honest and step down
wonderful pear / 26210 posts
No I haven't. I have had a friend kick me out of her wedding...which she ended up cancelling, so that was weird and also 25 years ago.
I think weddings bring out the best and the worst in people sometimes.
nectarine / 2018 posts
I declined once, she was and is still one of my really good friends. I was going to have a five month old, DH wasn't going to be able to take time off, and the wedding was five hours away from us. I still went to her shower and attended the wedding. She was completely supportive of why I declined and it hasn't impacted our friendship at all.
persimmon / 1367 posts
I declined to be a bridesmaid for a close friend - I was in grad school plus working full time and her wedding was scheduled for the same week as finals/dissertation presentations and I was worried that I couldn't do both. She totally understood, and was much happier that I talked to her about it instead of agreeing and then not being much of a support. I ended up throwing her bachelorette party anyway (I love throwing parties!) and we're still close more than a decade later...much longer than her marriage lasted, lol!
persimmon / 1101 posts
Yes! I had to back out of a MOH position for a cousin/best friend. They planned to do a two week shindig in Europe and, after trying and trying to make it work, I realized that it would just not make sense for me financially. I was so upset, but she totally understood. I found other ways to be there for her, like by throwing her shower and bachelorette party. I actually think (hope??) most people are pretty understanding of the time and financial commitments of being a bridesmaid and don't let it run a relationship.
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