Having a hard time accepting the need for daycare

By sweetooth Apr 28, 2014

It took my husband and I a while to have a baby. We made it through our infertility struggles and I had a fairly uncomplicated pregnancy. But because of the infertility process, and maybe even my own naiveté, I never gave the whole daycare process nearly enough thought.

I work from home. I thought that I would be able to continue to work from home and be a mom too. I tried for a few weeks to wear my mom hat and my professional hat, and it was HARD. I felt like I wasn't giving either effort my full attention and honestly - all I wanted to do was focus on my baby.

My husband and I have been very fortunate to work out a situation where he took a leave of absence to stay home with our son and now I am working full-time. I wish I could be the one not working, but financially, I was the one who had to continue "bringing home the bacon". It's only temporary though. We can't afford to live in this area on one income forever.

In a perfect world, I'd be a stay-at-home-mom for a few years. I never knew I'd feel this way. I've always been a career-oriented person. But once my little guy arrived, something changed. And now I want to be home with him in these early years so badly...

I'm trying my best to do daycare research, and I've even scheduled some tours. But every time I get into the daycare research and planning I get so sad and weepy.

Add to the list of things that no one tells you when you're younger...
- Not everyone gets pregnant by just making love (infertility sucks)
- Not everyone will have a successful breastfeeding experience (thrush sucks and so does pumping)
- Once the baby you tried so hard to have arrives, if you can't afford to live on one income, you have to consider how to pay for placing your baby in the capable arms of a childcare professional.

For the record, I'm not opposed to daycare. I'm just having a hard time getting there, you know? I see pictures of rooms full of cribs and it just makes me sad. I don't want my little guy in a room full of cribs.

Also - a nanny is too expensive. We tried to figure that option out but it just never made sense with our incomes.

It's just first-time mom nerves, right? I know he'll do fine in daycare. I know it will all work out. I just need to keep pushing through this process.

Either that, or we just need to move where we can afford to live off one income...

How did you get there and accept the idea and the reality of the need for daycare?

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41 comments

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AmeliaBedilia
nectarine / 2192 posts

Apr 28, 2014

I don't have an answer, but sending you lots of hugs. You'll do what you and DH think is best for your family, and it will work out. It sounds like your baby has two very loving parents, and IMO, that is more important than anything else.
MamaCate
pomegranate / 3595 posts

Apr 28, 2014

@sweetooth: long distance hug! it sucks and it is so hard at the beginning, but it gets easier.

i also always thought i would be a working mom no problem, but when it came time to go back to work, it was soo hard to leave LO. we literally had no choice as i am the only breadwinner in the family (DH is in school) and we had to pay our bills. I can tell you that I cried and felt just like you at the beginning--not doing justice to any of my roles and feeling exhausted and guilty.

Time helps. LO is now nearly 2 1/2 and loves her center where she has been for 2 years now. She loves going to school and seeing her friends and she has learned and grown so much more. It helps as they get bigger to think about what they can offer--learning sign language, socialization, problem solving--that would have been hard for me to do if i were home. It has also helped to think about this as a stage. For us, it meant I had no choice about working for the stage until DH is done with school. That means this summer. I am now planning to keep working because it is going well for us and we could benefit from 2 incomes for a while until we figure out what the next "stage" looks like. Is there a timeframe that could be your initial stage and then you and DH can reevaluate? Is it working better, do you need to move, etc etc?

Also, this may be helpful to read:
http://julia-transition.blogspot.com/2014/01/moms-make-it-work-guest-blogging-series.html

hugs!
JennyD
clementine / 990 posts

Apr 28, 2014

Well, I'm sure nothing I am about to say will make it easier.

My LO is 2 now. We took turns at home until she was one. Similarly, I made more money by going back than my husband. So I've been back a year and a half, and my LO has been at daycare for 15 months. She loves it there. She does so well and she's learned so many things! The staff are wonderful and the centre is really great. But she is sick ALL THE TIME. And my job can be really stressful and between work and scrambling to find back up care and deal with antibiotics and a sick toddler... I've really started to wonder if living with less while staying at home with her might be better.

Good luck.
Dagny
apricot / 461 posts

Apr 28, 2014

This is TOTALLY me right now. I am in denial about LO having to go to daycare in Sept.
Honeygold89
nectarine / 2527 posts

Apr 28, 2014

Aw it'll be ok I'll be send my LO to daycare in August when I go back to on campus classes he'll be 6 months then
Espion
pomegranate / 3577 posts

Apr 28, 2014

All I can say, is I know exactly what you mean. I finally got to the point where I can walk into the daycare, see E playing with the toys, crawling around, and meeting babies that I'm glad to see that he had a good day...even if it was without me there. I think the socialization with other babies is important (even though they are all like adorable disease-ridden forest monkeys). I think we found a good place by picking him up as soon as it was feasible for either myself or DH (since we work odd hours). So he doesn't actually end up spending that much time in daycare compared to what he spends at home with us. But that is the luck of our wonky hours.
shortcake
apricot / 288 posts

Apr 28, 2014

I used to feel the same way and then we actually started day care and I absolutely love it. Go on a tour. I know now that the teachers are amazing and caring. The cribs are for sleeping, it's not as if they keep in there cold and alone. They interact, they socialize, they get to see other kids do things ahead of them like talk and walk and eat and read and play. They learn a lot. Most of them are wonderful, warm and nurturing environments. Just go and see and maybe you will surprise yourself. And the other thing is, the baby stage passes so quickly, there won't be cribs and bottles and pacifiers for long. They will be replaced with spoons and books and cots and art projects and him talking about his "school friends."
sweetooth
nectarine / 2705 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@AmeliaBedilia: thank you

@MamaCate: That's a great idea, to try and think of this as a "stage". I think we'll definitely have to approach it like that because the daycare in this area is kind of insane. The waitlists are so long and we may have to try out a few. That link is amazing - thank you for sharing and for the hugs I'm glad you have figured out what works for you and your husband.
Cherrybee
papaya / 10570 posts

Apr 29, 2014

Oh, honey. Big, big hugs from afar.

I was like you - I was heartbroken that I had to put E in nursery but let me tell you it's the best decision I have made for her. She's made a little friend, Scarlet, and she has learned so much there. She gets excited when we pull up in the car!! FWIW, even if I didn't have to work, I'd still send E to nursery!
sweetooth
nectarine / 2705 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@JennyD: thank you for the real response - I do think about the sickness. My sister has her kids in daycare and they have been sick quite a bit. I know it comes with the territory, but it's definitely something that's been on my mind.

@Dagny: Yep, denial. Total denial is where I lived for a while. Now I'm trying to snap out of it and figure things out...while secretly wishing the end result was I'm able to stay at home with my son!
sweetooth
nectarine / 2705 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@Honeygold89: It will be ok, I know. I just have to keep taking one step forward. Thank you

@Espion: "...even if it was without me there" that comment right there...that's what is hard as a first time mom. The letting go. I don't want to be a smother, but man on man, the love I have for this little guy...I wish I could be a part of every moment in his life right now.

@shortcake: I have a tour scheduled for today and for Thursday. I'm hoping it will help me move forward towards a decision. And thank you for addressing the crib thing...I do know my brain is insane right now. And I know that it's not baby jail. I just hate the thought of him crying in a sea of cribs without me there to swoop him up...
sweetooth
nectarine / 2705 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@Cherrybee: thank you I'm glad you have found a solution that works for you. I know I'll get to the other side of this...right now though, I'm a weepy mess
Mamaof2
squash / 13208 posts

Apr 29, 2014

It is hard!!!

I did want to go back to work but it was still hard for me to grasp the fact that I would be leaving my tiny little baby with total strangers

I toured 3 places - the 1st one I went to I cringed and cried - I knew I could never leave my child there.

The 2nd place - was a little better but still - so many babies and so few teachers. Ratio here is 1:4 and babies need 1:1 - I creid there too!

The 3rd place I immediately felt relief when I walked in - it was calm and happy and I loved the director and teachers - I knew I had finally found a place that I would feel ok leaving DS.

All that to say - keep looking - if you find a DCP but don't love it - look again , and again!

And once he/she is in DCP regardless of how much you love it you will cry again - DS was happy but I was a mess!

It all takes times to adjust to changes - best of luck to you!
Adira
wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts

Apr 29, 2014

I don't have a ton of advice about how to reconcile needing a daycare, because we always knew we would both have to continue working and have one. But I can say that I LOVE having Xander in daycare. He gets to do so many more activities during the day than he would if he was just home with me. And he LOVES hanging out with the other babies. He's even made a best friend there! They even told me that one day when they put him down for his nap, he was able to shuffle his crib all the way over to be next to his friend's crib so he could talk to him!

Plus, being able to send your kid to daycare when you're sick or just need a day of rest is sooooooooo nice!

Good luck to you! It gets easier and easier every day!
Ajsmommy
pomegranate / 3355 posts

Apr 29, 2014

I was exactly like you were! When I was much younger I assumed I'd be a SAHM just bc my mom was and my gram was, I just thought that's what you did. However, flash forward to now and where I live it's just not realistic to only have one income (unless it's a huge income) and both DH and I have to work. I knew this when we decided to have kids and I knew it the entire time I was on maternity leave BUT let me tell you as my maternity leave came to an end I was desperate to find a way to stay home with my LO!!! I even told DH we could sell our dream house and move to another state just to make it doable!! Of course we didn't do that and the time came to take LO to daycare and I survived and she does so well there. She's just as happy when I pick her up as she is when we drop her off! We chose an in home daycare with a lady in our neighborhood. It works out so well and it's made the "daycare" issue a little easier for me. Trust me it's still hard to be away from LO and every monday I still get a little sad.... but I survive. I know I'm doing what is best for my LO and our family. And we still get lots of quality time in the mornings and evenings and ALL weekend
Pumuckl
pomegranate / 3601 posts

Apr 29, 2014

I was practially gonna say the same things @Adira said in her post above.

LO LOVES daycare. He just thrives around the other children and happily jumps off my arms each morning.

Good luck at finding a daycare that you feel comfortable with! One thing that came to my mind though: If you'd generally feel better in a nanny setting have you considered doing a nanny share? Maybe there's someone else in need for childcare in your area that would also like an option like that.
Rubies
hostess / eggplant / 11068 posts

Apr 29, 2014

For my family, daycare was a necessary reality and when the time came, I just bit the bullet. I hope everything works out for you!
Smurfette
GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts

Apr 29, 2014

We knew we wanted R in day care, verses a nanny or in-home center, so different situation. But R LOVES her day care. Every morning I say ok, let's go to school and she walks to the front door. She loves her teachers, has fun all day, is learning so much. No complaints at all.

Day care isn't a bad place. Just find a place that you love.
blackbird
wonderful grape / 20453 posts

Apr 29, 2014

Have you considered an in-home daycare? I am very happy with our decision to put E in one
Trailmix
nectarine / 2152 posts

Apr 29, 2014

Are you sure a nanny is too expensive? Only asking bc here in NYC, a nanny is actually the same price as daycare and I see you're in DC so I thought it might be similar? I think you probably could find someone to come to your home for a similar price to day care...or at least maybe do that 2x a week and daycare the other 3 so you still get to spend more time with him?
JoJoGirl
cantaloupe / 6206 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@sweetooth: I know it's hard. I'm so sorry.

Can you consider an in-home daycare? We were also not comfortable with a "room full of cribs". Our LO is in an amazing daycare that has 8 kids - only 2 babies, and 6 older kids. There are 3 providers watching them (great ratio), and the room only has 2 cribs Now that she is almost 1, we wouldn't DREAM of having her home with me or with a nanny - she is a super-social kid who loves her daycare more than she loves being home with me (she's bored at home.. no kids there, not enough toys). They take amazing, amazing care of her and she has been learning and thriving there more than I ever predicted she would.
mrs. wagon
blogger / watermelon / 14218 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@sweetooth: never, never, never easy I had the luxury of not sending my kids to daycare until they were over 15 months old... I was a SAHM for the first 18 months with my first, and for my second, our daycare only took 15 months and up so we did a nanny share until she was old enough to start. The nanny share was also at our house so that was AWESOME. (The other baby had a pack n play in my son's room.) Like I said, it was a luxury and I am so so so happy it worked out to my preferences of not having a baby in daycare.

Have you looked into a nanny share at all? We loved the experience! We found a SAHM who wanted to nanny another baby of a similar age.
LuLu Mom
GOLD / wonderful olive / 19030 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@sweetooth: Would you ever consider an in-home? I felt the same way about the cribs/baby rooms. At an in-home they are allowed only 2 babies (for 1 person I believe, at least in our area.) I loved the attention my child got when I first took her there, she was rocked to sleep, cuddled/snuggled every day and our lady would wear her when needed. It made me feel better about leaving her to return to work.
NovBaby1112
grapefruit / 4066 posts

Apr 29, 2014

Hugs mama! It is beyond hard leaving your entire world in the care of someone else- but it's a reality for a lot of moms, and finding a place you trust and love will help relieve a lot of the anxiety, worries, and fears. I also second the suggestion of looking into home daycares or nanny share. We toured some centers and in-home daycares and we found an in-home we LOVE. Warm, friendly, home-cooked meals, great childcare ratio, and I just had a good feeling about our daycare lady. Good luck whatever you decide- definately look at more places- you will feel much better when you find a place you love!
snowjewelz
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts

Apr 29, 2014

Really good, and real thoughts here! Thanks for sharing! I have been banking on the two grandma's being able to babysit 2 days each since DH has 1 week day off; but my SIL is having #2 the same time I'm having #1 and I don't want to compete w/ her for her mom. Thinking about daycare costs, esp in my area, is definitely panic inducing!

I am sure when the time comes, you'll be able to do what's best for your baby & your family. Hang in there!
Honeygold89
nectarine / 2527 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@sweetooth: I think it will be even easier to handle if you find a daycare that both you and LO love
sweetooth
nectarine / 2705 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@Mamaof2: I'm definitely making sure I tour many places so I have things to compare and consider. I know I will also be a mess when we have him in the care of a professional. But I know we will also survive it. It's just a hard road to get to that point. Thanks for relating!

@Adira: That's the cutest little visual. Your baby scooting his crib to be closer to his best bud. Thanks for sharing
sweetooth
nectarine / 2705 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@Ajsmommy: We had the same conversations at the end of my maternity leave! "Should we sell the house so we can make this happen?" I'm glad to hear your little girl is doing well and you are surviving. I'm not sure how to look for in-home daycare options, where did you start?

@Pumuckl: I remember discussing nanny shares, but like I mentioned to @Ajsmommy about in-home daycare, I'm not sure where to start with a nanny share search. I need to jump in to that research. I've been pretty overwhelmed with all of the daycare applications and paperwork.
ShootingStar
coconut / 8472 posts

Apr 29, 2014

D goes to a daycare center, and I've been so much happier with them than I would have thought. His room does have several cribs, but it's not like he's hanging out in there all day with no attention. He's in there to sleep and that's pretty much it. The rest of time he's being held, or in a bouncy seat, or tummy time on the floor, or playing in the exersaucer.

Are there any daycares that are really close to your house? You could maybe take an extended lunch and go and feed and play with him for a little while in the middle of the day.
sweetooth
nectarine / 2705 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@Rubies: I can see that some sort of supplemental childcare is a necessity, but I think I wanted it to work out differently. I feel like so many things related to babies are things you don't know until "you're in it".

@Smurfette: That's so cool that your little one loves daycare. I know it's not a bad place, I don't think daycare is bad. I just need to get more comfortable with it all and like you said, find a place we love.
Smurfette
GOLD / wonderful coconut / 33402 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@JoJoGirl: I think we bore R at home too. We don't have a lot of toys either.
Cherrybee
papaya / 10570 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@sweetooth: I've been following this thread all day, reading all the replies and your responses to them. It just reminds me of what my BFF said when she put her son into daycare at 9 months: "I know he's going to love it there, I just wish I could go with him and be part of the fun he has!". I think about that comment often, another 9 months on, because she hit the nail on the head for me.
sweetooth
nectarine / 2705 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@blackbird: @Trailmix: @JoJoGirl: @mrs. wagon:
@LuLu Mom: Thanks you guys. I do think I should open my search and look into nanny shares and in-home daycare. It's all a bit overwhelming. Maybe with my husband's help we can divide and conquer. Any advice of where to start that search?

@Trailmix: The nanny thing feels like it would be hard for me. I work from home and even with my husband here right now it's difficult to focus on work and not just go be with them all day. I think I need the solitude in order to focus on work, vs. my mommy urges

@JoJoGirl: That is a great ratio! Glad to hear your little girl is doing well!

@LuLu Mom: That set-up would make me feel more comfortable too...
sweetooth
nectarine / 2705 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@NovBaby1112: Hearing about all of these great in-home daycares really makes me want to widen our search. Thank you for the hug and for sharing

@snowjewelz: Grandma care is so nice I hope that works out for you and you can avoid the child care search.

@Honeygold89: Totally agree. I visited one this morning and it helped to see all of the happy kids...even the crying ones too. I just need to expose myself to more of them so I can get comfortable. I held it together in the center, and then burst into tears on my drive home.
sweetooth
nectarine / 2705 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@ShootingStar: The one I toured this morning is 5 minutes from our house. That's a great idea though, about dropping in during lunch. I love that idea Thank you. I'm glad to hear that D is doing well in daycare!

@Cherrybee: That comment totally hits home - it's exactly how I'm feeling. I don't want to miss a minute of this guy's life - but I do know he will be happy and we will all find our new normal.
Cherrybee
papaya / 10570 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@sweetooth: And we will be here for you all the way. We all know how hard this is. Lots of love.
plantains
grapefruit / 4671 posts

Apr 29, 2014

Hugs, it will be okay. My DD was home with a nanny until 15 months and now she goes to a daycare centre. Now that I have done both, I am pretty certain that I will send my next LO to the daycare center at 6 months. The anny was really convenient but daycare has been amazing. I love my centre and DD does too. She has a great time, and they take such great care of the kids and give professional detailed reports.

They also send me photos and videos all the time, and I love that she has a whole crew of daycare buddies we run into at the playground on weekends. I also think that as babies morph in tantrumming toddlers it certainly becomes a lot easier to drop them off at daycare for a bit!
catlady
grapefruit / 4988 posts

Apr 29, 2014

@sweetooth: I don't work from home, but I tried to do some work from home towards the end of my maternity leave to make some extra money, and I felt the same way as you. I simply couldn't focus on LO and also on my job while she and I were both home. Putting LO in daycare worked out great for us. She loves it there and she is thriving. I think the key is finding a daycare that you really like. We toured a few and some of them made us very sad (rooms with no windows, teachers that seemed aloof). Our current daycare isn't perfect but the teachers love her and I feel very comfortable leaving her there every day.

One other thing, I never thought I'd want to be a SAHM either but I started feeling that way towards the end of my maternity leave. I decided to go back to work and give it a few months to see if that feeling persisted. If it had, I probably would have tried to work out a way to stay home with LO. But in the end, I think I'm a better mom because I have my career. So you may end up feeling better about things in time. Best of luck to you!
lilteacherbee
cantaloupe / 6791 posts

Apr 29, 2014

I've been wondering how you're doing I've missed you!! We're really lucky in that my mom watches LO, but I've worked in several daycares. If it makes you feel better, the vast majority of childcare professionals really do care about the babies. I worked in an infant room for a couple of months and loved it! Hugs!!!