Hi, I’m a FT WOH mom, and just went back to work on Thursday. I love my job and make enough money that economically it makes no sense to quit, but sending DD to daycare breaks my heart. She’s at a high quality center, but I still ache being away from her 10 hours a day. I’m wondering if it gets better or maybe for those with a nanny/nanny-share what your thoughts/feelings are. I feel like I would feel a little better if I could see her during the day, but the center that had an opening is near DH’s office, which is nowhere near mine, so daytime visits really aren’t an option. 
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This gets better. It was hard at first but now I appreciate our routine so much
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@karenbme: ugh it's hard when they are little babies. For me it got easier when they got a little older and really started to benefit from daycare. At 6 months they start to get them on a schedule, and then from about 1 year on they get so much enriching activities and socializing it was definitely better then I could have given them at home.
I've had at least 1 kid in day care for over 6 years and at this point I dont blink an eye about it. But there was a lot of crying in the bathroom for me when I went back to work after my first. It's a hard time, but remind yourself that your baby is in good hands.
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@karenbme: about mid-day visits. I think that might make things a little easier for first few months, especially if you are nursing and it let's you skip a pumping session. But after they're about a year a mid-day visit from a parent is more disruptive to their day
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@karenbme: It gets better! My LO1 is at a high quality school since he was 18months old. As the posters mention once you all are in a routine it gets so much better. At that age they are sleeping quite a bit anyway. If she was closer the nursing in between would be nice if they allow that(they should?!) but once they are older I wouldn’t drop in periodically and leave cause it will confuse them and add more tears on their end. All that my Lo1 gets from childcare is so beneficial, enriching and healthy- I couldn’t give all of what he gets! So what I have done is take a day with them if i’m in a missing mood but other than that he loves school and does well when he’s not with us instead of crying or having separation anxiety. Give time overall through each stage!
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@karenbme: I do think it gets better. My son started at 8 months and by then I could really appreciate all he was getting from spending time in a place with other kids his age, playing and learning. It’s hard with tiny babies who don’t obviously/transparently benefit as much but hang in there mama!!
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yeah, exactly what @Litebrite: said--it really does suck when they're tiny, but by this spring it'll get a lot (a LOT) better. It helps, too, to develop *your* relationship with the care providers and then you feel less like she's with strangers all day. After my kids were about 8-9 months they were both doing really well and getting very social, and after about a year both got to the point where morning drop-offs were them lunging for their baby friends, squealing with delight, and not even looking back at me. So it def gets easier for the babies. As for you and the pangs of longing, IMO it goes from very bad to a dull throbbing bad and that's why we should only have a 4-day work week. Also agree with both cake and litebrite that at some point pretty soon mom drop-ins will be more disruptive than beneficial; she will develop bonds with her providers and it'll be enough.
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@LCTBQE: Yes to 4 day work weeks! That’s what I do and it works well for us! When Monday comes around we are all ready for the 4 day routine if ya know what I mean! Just my opinion and I realize not everyone can do it!
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Oh mama. I was so you 5 years ago and will be there again in the fall. So hard when they are tiny. What I will say is that my 5 year old has a much more broad and loving world than I ever could have given her by myself. She has been exposed to different personalities and cultures and experiences I never would have thought of. Eventually, I hope you'll find that you are tickled by the experiences your DD gets at daycare.
Some of my favorite pictures of DD are her exploring grass and later, snow at daycare with the other babies. Or the daily stroller walks the teachers took her on. One day she asked for a "tissue" at home...I say "Kleenex", so I was so tickled that someone at daycare was making her more refined
She has tried foods and been on field trips that I would not have thought to try. She has found friends in adults and children and frequently knows more people than I do at the grocery store, library and the YMCA.Also, the routine and structure that DD had at daycare was KEY to her happiness. And, we amassed a village. Nothing I can say will magically help, but please know that it does get better as they get older.
Also, I concur with the 4 day work week comment above
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It will get easier. I think it is hardest on us mamas.
A PP mentioned getting to know your providers and I totally agree with this. I try to chat with DS2’s main teacher at drop off and more than just about DS. In the few months he’s been there we’ve learned a bit about her family and her about ours. DS1 is 6.5 and has been at this daycare since he was one and there are some teachers still there and they feel like extended family.
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@karenbme: Aww - it's SO SO hard in the beginning, but YES, it absolutely gets easier... I've done both, daycare and nanny. We have a nanny now (kids are 4 & 7)... it gets expensive because we pay for her, plus preschool 5 days a week, and activities... Having one when they're older is great so that you can have them help take to all of the activities.... A lot of after school sports and things start at 5, which is tough if you WOH (I do, plus a 1 hour commute).... daycare was GREAT when they were little so they could socialize and learn about being in a group dynamic. Yes, they get sick, BUT, I must say my sister stayed home with her kids and they did playgroups, and her kids were sick just as much, if not more than mine in a full-time daycare setting..... Anyway. Hugs. It's so hard in the beginning, but then it works out really well.
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It totally gets better! You are absolutely entitled to feeling all the feelings! It's so hard the first time around. A couple of things -
1) Daycare vs nanny is just what you are comfortable with. We found a center we really loved (will be sending my unborn 3rd LO there this summer!), and to me I trust them way more than I'd trust a nanny. But of course with either, trust/rapport take time to build. But personally I just love that there are policies/structures at a center that protect my children.
2) Our daycare doesn't even do the app/pictures thing, it was definitely hard the 1st time around not seeing/hearing anything about DD1's day. I def called a few times just to check in. But I got used to it. Also, I would not visit probably even if it was possible; I would not want to risk them attaching/clinging to me! I actually avoided even going to any daycare parties/functions while they were young b/c of that! I really only started going to daycare events when they started pre-school and knowing they were okay seeing me for a little bit then I had to leave.
All in all, it's hard but it does get easier
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@karenbme: it does get better! My kids are 4 and 6 and we’ve always had a nanny. For us, that was the only option given the logistics of our jobs and commutes. I’m esp grateful for it now because, as someone above mentioned, managing preschool and kindergarten and after school activities would have been impossible. That said, I don’t think it matter whether you’re leaving your infant with a nanny or at a daycare - it’s still going to suck for a while. You’ll get through it!
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Thank you, ladies. I'm going to stick with it for a while, but like many have said it is SO hard right now. I appreciate all the insight, and hopefully once she's bigger it will feel like there's more benefit for her.
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hey, just checking in. how is it going?
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My son isn't quite two, and has been in daycare since about 12 weeks.
Now whenever we get in the car and leave our neighborhood he says "Miss Donna??" ...asking if we're going to see his daycare friends.
He goes through phases loving it and hating me leaving, but days like today when he has to hug EVERY person he sees (the cook, the director, the other kids, his teacher...) that makes it a lot easier!
He's also counting in Spanish (something we haven't done at home) so I know he's learning a lot from them too.
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@nwm: It's better than it was, but she's just so sleepy by the time she gets home. I feel like we don't get any time with her.
I'm still toying with the idea of quitting my full-time to focus on DD and maybe picking up one or two more consulting clients to keep my brain active. We don't need my income to make ends meet, which makes the choice harder/adds to my guilt. I don't have any problems with the daycare, except maybe that they go through a lot of milk in a day, but she's not overweight so that's not really a concern. I just hate being away from her. Meanwhile, I was at the OB for a pap yesterday and the doctor told me that, statistically moms who work part time are happiest, so if I have the opportunity to do that it could help me (my PPD score is a little higher than what they want it to be). Like, yeah, thanks, I could have told you working less/spending more time with the baby would make me happier too, but part-time work doesn't really fit with having a career in general.
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@MaryM: Awww, super cute.
I really look forward to when she can tell me about how much fun she's having/everything she's learning.
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@karenbme: I'm sorry, it is really hard being away!
For me as hard as it was, I knew how hard I had found being home, so it was a reasonably fast adjustment. But, when I went back after my first, I had also taken a full 16 weeks, and also had a few big cases at work that I was excited about. I thought returning to work ultimately made me happier, but I'm also wondering if it didn't coincide with some modest PPD lifting. Would it be an option to take some more leave from your job (maybe even unpaid) to see how that feels/give the decision more time? Or to work a part time schedule on a temporary basis?But also, PLEASE don't feel guilty. Even if you don't strictly need your income, there are many, many good reasons for you to work (IF you want to). There is nothing to feel guilty about, whatever choice you make. She is doing amazing!
It's ironic that DS2 is my best sleeper yet (and honestly I've had pretty good sleepers) but I'm kind of sad about it because it's like one less time I get to cuddle him. I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune when the regression hits!
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@nwm: I really don’t know what options are available, but I have a one on one with my boss on Thursday where I plan to be open with her about how I’m feeling and see what options I might have. She’s a mom and I feel like she’ll be supportive. Working is definitely easier than staying home, probably because I have a decade of experience at work and no experience taking care of babies, and I lose my mind a little bit without adult interaction (what did people do before podcasts??) but I just worry so much about her and how she’s doing. I really don’t know what the right thing is for me... other than maybe settling up a pack and play in the corner of my office.
She has tried foods and been on field trips that I would not have thought to try. She has found friends in adults and children and frequently knows more people than I do at the grocery store, library and the YMCA.
I'm still toying with the idea of quitting my full-time to focus on DD and maybe picking up one or two more consulting clients to keep my brain active. We don't need my income to make ends meet, which makes the choice harder/adds to my guilt. I don't have any problems with the daycare, except maybe that they go through a lot of milk in a day, but she's not overweight so that's not really a concern. I just hate being away from her. Meanwhile, I was at the OB for a pap yesterday and the doctor told me that, statistically moms who work part time are happiest, so if I have the opportunity to do that it could help me (my PPD score is a little higher than what they want it to be). Like, yeah, thanks, I could have told you working less/spending more time with the baby would make me happier too, but part-time work doesn't really fit with having a career in general.
I really look forward to when she can tell me about how much fun she's having/everything she's learning.
For me as hard as it was, I knew how hard I had found being home, so it was a reasonably fast adjustment. But, when I went back after my first, I had also taken a full 16 weeks, and also had a few big cases at work that I was excited about. I thought returning to work ultimately made me happier, but I'm also wondering if it didn't coincide with some modest PPD lifting. Would it be an option to take some more leave from your job (maybe even unpaid) to see how that feels/give the decision more time? Or to work a part time schedule on a temporary basis?
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