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I'm in the same boat. Halp.

We're in the thick of this right now. Baby is super mobile and requires a lot of supervision and my 4.5 year old is MAD about it. She has been screaming "I don't like you" and "you're a bad baby" in the baby's face constantly. I tried ignoring it, because I knew she was doing it to get a reaction out of me, but she would literally follow me around the house screaming about the baby for hours. When I still ignored it, she started saying more and more horrible things (I hope she dies, I want her to go blind, etc). This was just unacceptable to me, even if I knew she didn't really mean it. Her preschool has two main rules, no hurting other people's bodies, and no hurting other people's feelings. So I instituted the same rules at home since I know she's really good about that at school. When she screams at the baby, I remind her that we are not allowed to hurt feelings. Then I tell her I want to know about her feelings and what is bothering her. If she doesn't offer up anything, I might prompt her and with something like "It seems like you're upset that the baby woke up and now we have to stop our game" or whatever it is. Then once she says what's bothering her I empathize. "Yeah, having a baby sister is hard. You really want to spend time with me alone. I wish I could spend all my time with you too." etc. It's tedious because it's reexplaining all day long, but after a few days of this, I can already see a difference. Still a lot of frustration and jealousy from her, but expressed in a way that is more productive. She gets the attention and connection she's craving better this way.

For the physical aggression, she was more directed at me than the baby, but it was so bad (she ripped out a chunk of my hair!). Same as you, she would be absolutely wild and any type of calm down time or ignoring did not work. So I would tell her that if she hits/kicks me again, I would hold her. And then I would physically restrain her (in a special hold so as not to hurt her) until she was calm. The first few times I tried this I made sure to do it when my husband was home because it was intense and that way he could get the baby out of the way. But after doing this a few times, the hitting has almost completely stopped. And if I do have to restrain her, her attempts at resistance are only half hearted. I haven't gotten nearly as injured. I found this article really helpful for what to say while I was holding her and she was losing it. https://www.janetlansbury.com/2016/08/4-year-old-has-emotional-aggressive-responses-to-limits/

Sorry for the novel, I just know this is so hard! This year has had some of my very worst parenting moments. I hope you find something that works for you. I don't know if your child goes to preschool, but we have a super amazing director who knows my child really well, and she was a great resource for this.

@MrsADS: Yeah, the first time I had to restrain her it took like 20 minutes before she calmed down, and it definitely got worse before it got better. She tried to bite me! The second and third times were pretty long too, but once she realized that this was what was going to happen every time, for even a "small" hit, it stopped almost completely. It was the only thing I could do, because in those moments she was so filled with rage she couldn't process anything else, and I wasn't going to let her hurt anyone. Also, I really liked that when I was holding her, she was facing me. And when I could tell she was finally losing steam, it could easily go from me holding her hands to me hugging her, which gave us that connected resolution that we were missing with other things I tried.

I think adjusting my mindset was really helpful too. I was spending every day feeling miserable because I wasn't able to keep the outbursts from happening, and she just seemed so unhappy. Instead I had to realize that she wanted and needed to let out those big emotions and I had to help her deal with them, rather than prevent them from happening. I knew as soon as I told her no to something, her response would be to hit me, but I was prepared with what I was going to do, and it really helped me stay calm and focused. It's completely exhausting though to be on guard all day! I hope things ease up soon.

My 2 year old can be negative towards his 2mo old sister. He wants to hit and grab her a lot and has thrown stuff.

What seems to be working and improving so far is giving him one on one when I can. Also praising him for good behavior and quickly acknowledging the bad behavior (discipline- take you, time out etc)