Most of you know, but just to recap we lost our last baby when I was around 8 months pregnant. I'm pregnant again now, and I'm already dreading the questions strangers ask. The main one, of course, being, "is this your first?" I'm not asking what you think I should say, because 99.9% of the time there is no reason why I would need to go into any of it. It may be a hurtful/thoughtless question to me, but NO ONE means it that way. And I got it all the dang time last time (which bothered me then too, since I had had two miscarriages previously), so I'm expecting it plenty again. What I'm asking is more help on what to tell myself to try to minimize my reaction. It will annoy/anger me to hear it, because it'll be a reminder of our loss. But I'm going to hear it a lot, and I don't need to let it get me worked up every time. It's just meant to be a nice way to make small talk, and I want to keep it that. I'm starting counseling this week for anxiety and everything else from our history, so I'll discuss this with her too, but I'm curious on what ya'll think. Thanks!
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I think it is okay to say "I recently lost the baby very late in my pregnancy and we are hoping for the best this time". It will definitely stop people in their tracks a bit but will definitely give people pause before asking other people (paying it forward I guess)
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@Mrs. Confetti: I think this is a perfect response.
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Whether you choose to divulge about your loss(es) is your business, but I think pausing before you respond to breathe and remembering that in their mind, it is just an innocent question, should help you with remaining calm. It's going to be incredibly hard for you, and I don't think that most will even fathom the emotions that this simple question will bring you.
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So not really the same situation, but when people ask if i have siblings, i really don't like saying "no" because it makes *me* feel bad later. And then i have a big guilt hang up/reaction to saying that. What works for me is a very simple, "i had a brother and he passed away and I don't want to get into it". People REALLY do not push it. The conversation moves on very quickly. The same line could easily apply to you, depending on how you feel about it. That sort of response helps me feel like I'm not lying or ignoring my past (or my brother) but also not allowing myself to be 100% opened up to a stranger who may or may not pass judgement. It also doesn't really open yourself up for more questions. I just personally feel worse acting like nothing happened.
I don't think there is anything you can tell yourself to make yourself feel better, because you already know people aren't asking to be dicks, BUT i think having a response that helps you feel...satisfied? comfortable? sort of preemptively nips the post-question negative feelings in the butt.
I think seeing someone will be very helpful! Maybe just reminding yourself over and over that nobody actually means you any harm will be good. But maybe it will eat away at you, too, but you'll find an answer that works for you soon enough.
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What a tough spot you're in. And I know I'm totally guilty of asking "is this your first?" when I have also had 3 losses. But I guess I mean it more like - are there other siblings at home? I think the counseling will help you with your reactions. regarding your reactions and self-talk, I would suggest just reminding yourself that people mean well and also as a lesson that everyone has stories and experiences that you can't always see or know.
I think that "is this your first" is a pretty innocent question, meant for small talk...and so remind yourself of that too. Look at the positive and say, "someone else in this world took a second to acknowledge my baby inside of me and what my body is capable of...wow." And then, you yourself take a second to say hi to your angel(s) and tell them you still love them. Despite having 3 losses, there was 1 fetus that I saw and one heartbeat, so i talk to that one all the time. When I saw this baby's heartbeat, I thanked his big brother/sister for taking care of him or her this far. It just helps me not to forget. Which I think is part of the anger when people ask "is this your first?" You want people to acknowledge that there were others. But you're also not going to share that with the world, so there will be people who never know about the others. But you do, and you're who matters. Remembering them will hopefully give you peace in those tough moments. -
I know you didn't ask for an opinion about what to say...but (after two 1st trimester miscarriages) I think I will say "yes...but it's been a long difficult road to get here....and I'd rather not talk about it." I can only imagine how hard that question must be for you right now.
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@Torchwood: I just wanted to say Congrats on your pregnancy. I missed it if you announced, but I hope for the smoothest and happiest pregnancy of all time for you!
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Have you seen The Sphors are Multiplying blog? She talked about this question. She lost her LO at 18 months and then blogged about getting pregnant again.
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I have the same apprehension to the same questions with my ever more obvious belly. I have given myself permission to just say that no, it's my second and if they push it just say I have a 14 mo and not mention Lucas' death to strangers when I can't handle possibly crying in public (again, i still do this a lot), and sometimes I just want to be happy about this baby and this pregnancy without dragging an otherwise pleasant conversation down with the grim-ness of dying babies.
Otherwise, I will say that this is my second baby, but hopefully my first child as my previous baby passed away at 14 mo.
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Congrats on your pregnancy!! I think coming up with a simple, straightforward and honest response is a good idea. Something you can practice ahead of time so it just becomes automatic and you don't have to think or get worked up when someone asks. It's so hard to think of something to say in the moment, especially when it is such a hard subject. Lots of love!!
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@blackbird: The feeling that I'm ignoring her or "dishonoring" her memory somehow by just saying yes is definitely an issue, though I didn't think about it when I was writing this. I like your response. If I find that I'm feeling bad about just saying yes, I think I may use that.
@Tidybee: I really like your- Look at the positive and say, "someone else in this world took a second to acknowledge my baby inside of me and what my body is capable of...wow." That's exactly the sort of positive thought I was looking for help with. Thanks.
@AprilFool: I haven't. I'll look into it, thanks. I like having lots to read!
@BananaPancakes: Thank you! I'm only 6 weeks, but it's going well so far.
@FliegepilzHut: @Mrs. Confetti: Those are both good responses if I feel like I want to say something. I'll remember them.
@Ms.Badger: I was definitely thinking of you when I was writing this. It has to be so much harder for you. We never saw her or held her, so on some level it doesn't really feel as much like I truly had a child. You REALLY did. I didn't realize you were pregnant again though (I've been on an HB hiatus for a while), congratulations! Sending you all the positive thoughts in the world.
@mrs. tictactoe: I think you're right. And I've gotten several good suggestions here for if I do decide I want to say something, so I'll be trying to practice them and keep them in mind.
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@Torchwood: I'm glad it's helpful. It's not right to make yourself feel bad at the expense of their question. So whatever works for you
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@Torchwood: There is no harder or easier when dealing with grieving.
I'm 20 weeks now so I'm getting more and more nervous for questions from strangers, but I think it's really important for me to have this pregnancy and baby be separate from Lucas and death and mourning, so if that means little white lies to strangers about Lucas' death, I'm ok with that. I think it's ok for me to not be the grieving mother at all times, it doesn't mean I love Lucas less or miss him any less. In the same way Lucas' death doesn't make me less excited for this baby (on the contrary, I want nothing else except for this baby to be here and be healthy), so I will allow myself as much joy as possible surrounding his or her arrival. It's a hard line to walk, and I still cry more days than I do not (the hormones, the holidays...) but this is what I strive for.
I hope you are doing ok and are able to enjoy the pregnancy without too much fear. Lots of hugs
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I would think of it like this. There are basically 5 questions people ask when they find out someone is expecting.... It's just one of those things people say as there aren't many things people can ask (meaning, unusual too-personal things). So, "is it your first" is just a semi-appropriate question to ask (along with "how are you feeling" and "do you know/are you finding out the sex of the baby").... People have to say/ask something and that is definitely one of those. Maybe if you make it feel less personal that will help.
Hugs! And congrats on being pregnant again! -
@Torchwood: Could you reply with something that's positive, something like "We're really looking forward to getting to be parents" when someone asks "is this your first?" That way you're not saying it's your first, but you're indicating it's your first time getting to actively parent?
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I hate this. It was hard for me when pregnant with M. For the most part, I would just tell people I have D and nothing more. The part that made me annoyed is when people found out I would have 2 boys, they try to convince me I needed a girl.
For the most part, I don't elaborate for strangers.
Eta: sometimes when people ask if M is my first, I just say "nope" and don't elaborate any further. People usually get the hint.
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