A good friend of mine just miscarried today. I really want to show her some support and love but I'm not sure how... If you MC'ed would you appreciate a care package? What would you like in it? I am thinking for sure some yummy homemade treats and of course a special card- what else? Or would that be a bad idea?
Here's the sticky part - she doesn't know that I knew she was pregnant... and she doesn't know that I know that she miscarried. But we are good friends - good enough that she told me when she first started TTC back in April. My heart just breaks for her.
Any advice or ideas on how to show love/support would be so appreciated! Thanks ladies
grapefruit / 4079 posts
One of my best friends sent me flowers, my mother in law made us my favorite dinner and another friend left candy and a card on my desk. ANYTHING you do will be appreciated. I felt thought of and supported by the small somethings people did.
GOLD / squash / 13464 posts
I would do nothing. She will let you know what she went through if she wants you to know. Did someone else tell you what she was going through? They really shouldn't have. If someone tried to comfort me after my MC that I hadnt told it would have been very upsetting to me and would make me worry who else knew.
hostess / wonderful honeydew / 32460 posts
If she doesn't know you know, I wouldn't do anything..
When my friend miscarried I let her know how sorry I was and just gave her space..
grapefruit / 4703 posts
I agree with @MamaMoose, if she didn't tell you, you probably shouldn't bring it up until she tells you personally or brings it up first
admin / wonderful grape / 20724 posts
I agree with @MamaMoose: too.
grapefruit / 4235 posts
I agree, if she didn't tell you firsthand, don't do anything yet. She will tell you when and if she's ready.
GOLD / wonderful grape / 20289 posts
I wouldn't do anything until she tells you. I miscarried and I didn't want to talk about it to anyone. I didn't want anyone knowing until I was ready to talk about it. I didn't even like my family knowing. I think its very sweet that you want to do something, but in this situation the best thing you can do is nothing.
If she does decide to tell you I think a care package would be nice. But don't be offended if she doesn't. It took me months before I told some good friends, and years before I told others.
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21616 posts
@MamaMoose: I guess she had told several people she was pregnant, but only 8-ish weeks along, and a mutual friend told me on Sunday. But today I was talking to a different friend about how excited I was for her - and she told me that she found out today she MC'ed. I guess I was a little sad she didn't tell me she was pg in the first place.
My friend who told me said I should show her some support and let her know that I know. I guess I now feel conflicted!
You do bring up a good point about then making her worry about who does know. However - everyone in our group of friends is REALLY supportive and not gossipers or anything like that. It would stay within our close-knit group and they would do nothing but show kindness to her.
bananas / 9973 posts
I agree with @mamamoose. I didn't tell ANYONE about my first pregnancy and old told a handful of family and one BFF about the M/C. I still haven't even told my other BFF about it. I didn't want my Dad to know even (but my Mom ended up telling him.)
I think it's a deeply personal choice and agony, and if I knew that someone I didn't tell "knew", I'd be pretty paranoid and upset about who else knew.
It's super sweet that you want to do something. I guess for me, I wished that people who knew I was TTC didn't ask me anything about pregnancy or TTC. I would have enjoyed going out for lunch or meeting up for some company, but not that I wanted them to know. So maybe, just being there for her. And if she wants to open up and talk, then you can be there for her with open arms for a hug.
pomelo / 5073 posts
I'm conflicted....while I agree with @mamamoose that if she didn't tell you, it's probably good that you don't say anything.
BUT, I also know that people I didn't tell I was pregnant found out when we lost our baby and they just sent me a card or something else. It was really nice and made me feel comforted. I had one parent at my school buy my breakfast at McDonald's one morning.
Maybe you could ask your friend out to eat or something and maybe she will confide in you then or you can send her a 'just thinking of you' card without any mention of MC and see if that helps.