Two weeks ago, we lost my brother to sudden, tragic circumstances. We are not comfortably sharing the cause of death but have already fielded a lot of these questions. Has anyone been in similar circumstances? I always thought this question was crass/taboo but apparently not...I am having trouble formulating a response.
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I am so very loss for your sudden and tragic loss.
And seriously, what kind of question is that?
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@raintreebee: I'm so sorry to hear!!
I would keep it vague but use a tone of voice that discouraged followup questions... "he was in an accident" or "he was very sick."
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So sorry for your loss.
I realise people are curious but if you wanted them to know, you'd have told them.
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think it's fine to just say "I don't really want to talk about it," when people ask. And if someone presses on I would just politely try to say it's not their business and your family has chosen not to discuss the details surrounding his passing.
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I'm so sorry for your loss!
I imagine you will be asked that question a lot. I don't think it's rude to ask, but certainly understand if you'd rather not share. I second Mr Bee's suggestion.
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I just lost my dad to suicide. I am sorry for your loss.
If someone asked and I didn't feel like saying, I responded that his health declined in the last year, which in our case was true.
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I'd avoid the question and just say it was very sudden. if they don't get the hint then I'd just stare at them. It's a very personal question and situation and you should only say what you feel comfortable saying.
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Oh i'm so sorry for your loss
One of my biggest regrets was not telling people to MYOB when it was fresh. Because I quickly learned that people were just nosy, and didn't really give a shit. .
Now i just say, "i really don't want to discuss it" or "it's quite personal" if i don't want to give them a simple "it was a car accident". Sometimes people still push that and now I just truncate that conversation.
You do NOT owe anyone an answer. AT ALL.
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
I would just say "I don't want to discuss the details, but thank you for your sympathy." -
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I think I would say something like, "I'm not discussing the details of this personal event. Please don't ask again."
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I'm so sorry
I would probably say something like, "it was sudden and I still am not comfortable talking about it"
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@LBee: I agree. There is nothing wrong with telling them you don't want to discuss it.
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'd just answer with "that's personal".
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i'm so sorry. i think the above suggestions and anything along the line of "i'd rather not discuss it" is fine. i'm sorry that people are asking you that.
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@raintreebee: I am so sorry for your loss. I will be thinking of you & your family.
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I think this question happens when the death is sudden and people are trying to figure it out and wrap their head around the situation. I don't' think they mean to be rude or insensitive but it is hard not to take it that way. I've lost 2 people due to unfortunate circumstances (one to suicide and the other to a freak accident that was a huge local news story at the time.) And when I wasn't ready to talk about either I would say "we lost him/her suddenly and I'm not ready to talk about it." most people backed off seeing it was a sensitive situation. If that didn't work I would just say "honestly it's a family matter and I would rather not discuss it"
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I'm so sorry for your loss. If I were you I would keep it to "it was very sudden" and if they pressed you on it, I would just say "that's all I feel comfortable sharing" or just a dirty look... if they aren't sensitive enough to get the hint after the first sentence then they don't deserve a composed response.
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@LuLu Mom: Totally agree. I lost my mom when I was in my late 20s and it was also sudden/unexpected. I find that people who asked questions were genuinely trying to process and show empathy. Like others have said, I would go with a brief, "it was an accident" or "it was very sudden" and leave it at that.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't know what I would say. Hugs to you!
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Sorry for your loss.
Agree @LuLu Mom: @lamariniere: this is a common question that people ask trying to make sense of someone's passing. For a close survivor though, it's hardly a question that one wants to answer. "Casual" mourners should really seek out people other than immediate family or super close friends to get answers.
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I'm so so sorry for your loss.
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I'm so terribly sorry.
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I'm very very sorry for your loss. That's inappropriate for people to ask.
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I'm so sorry for your loss
I would just tell them that you don't want to talk about it and leave it at that.
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I'm so sorry for your loss. Loads of other pp have given you great suggestions, but I just wanted to say how sorry I am.
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Lost my cousin to suicide. I keep getting: why did he do it? How old is he? How did he die? It's horrible
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I'm so sorry for your loss
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I'm so sorry for your loss.
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I 100% agree with Lulu.
People who ask about it are just trying to wrap their minds around it so they can connect to you. I really think what she said would be the best response if you aren't comfortable with sharing it.
"We lost him/her suddenly and I'm not ready to talk about it." Should be more than enough.
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I'm sorry for your loss.
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I'm so so sorry. No experience but seems like others have some good advice. *hugs*
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Thank you everyone for your condolences and good advice. I think I now have enough respectful but straightforward responses that I won't dread talking to people. Thank you!
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Just wanted to say that I've been in the same situation numerous times. My father died suddenly, and I got asked all the time how he died. I thought as I got older people would take less interest in his death, but even now that I'm married with a child, I still get asked by friends and my husband's family about his death. I sometimes say that he was sick, which he was, but then they ask what he was sick with. Some people aren't very sensitive.
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One word:
Ninjas.
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Looks like you have a lot of good responses here. Just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss.
And seriously, what kind of question is that?
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35 comments