Hellobee Boards

Always. This week I have been sick. I spent 2.5 days in bed, missed a festival at school and now have to go out of town tomorrow for a work trip that won't have me home until late Saturday. Add that to a work trip in May that gets me home late the night before my daughter's birthday party (at our house). I'm failing at my home life b/c I'm giving too much at work. Oh, and I'm pregnant so I'm so freaking tired all the dang time. I don't know what I'm going to do with 2.

I am right there with you! I am late to work daily. I make up for it by taking shorter lunches, but ever since I got pregnant and came back from maternity leave something makes me late. It stresses me out, I feel like even though I work my ass off at work, I don't deserve to expect a raise because I'm late in the mornings. Then at home since my husband is a cop and works overnights and isn't home and awake much while we're home, I feel like I am falling short somewhere with our son. I also take care of the household finances to save my husband stress, and I take care of the neighborhood's finances as a board member because I am the only one in the neighborhood with Quickbooks experience (work), and then I try to find time for myself which is sewing, and I volunteer for a sewing charity for NICU babies and then I feel like I'm failing there because I don't get enough ME time to sew...

So yes, I totally understand how you feel. But the one thing I tell myself is my son is a happy thriving 2 year old little boy, and he's not going to remember that I let him watch a couple extra episodes of Puppy Dog Pals or Mickey and the Roadster Racers so I could finish a baby shirt, or reconcile the HOA and home checkbooks; because there are nights that I blow it all off to read him extra stories or stay up past bedtime to build blocks with him or bust ass to get home early enough to spend an hour at the zoo.

Oh girl always! I am never ever ever on time for work, but my boss is okay with it since I usually work through lunch. I'm totally mom tracked in my career; I think I still do a "good" job but I'm def not as invested as I was in my 20s. I just want a stable job, try not to OT b/c it's important that I spend time with my kids.

I think I get into those moods sometimes too feeling like I do nothing well b/c I have so much to do. Most of the time, I just keep my expectations as low as possible and try not to put "impossible" tasks on my to-do list to set myself up for failure.

Anyway, sorry for the rambling but it's all just to say that I feel you, you're not alone, and I def think we need to cut ourselves more slack

I could have written this exact post. I just don’t care about my job right now and we have poor leadership so I care even less. I also feel that I’ve put in my time before I had kids doing everything that was asked of me and being flexible and now I ‘deserve’ to be able to cut back or coast. Plus we are a small staff and one of our coworkers is leaving in June, meaning more will be expected of me when I don’t want that. Our second is due in September and my son starts school. That will be my priority. I don’t have an easy answer but I am changing my hours to be more helpful to me and cutting to a half day once a week. Plus taking a month off after baby comes. I’m afraid of feeling the guilt or being pressured to do more than I want to or can. I’ve also been talking to my therapist about this too because I’m worried about my mental health. She agrees there’s no easy answer but often times like this will show what is really important and something will have to give.

I think this is sort of inevitable, and our culture and policies in the U.S. are also not really set up to support working moms/families - so it just makes it worse. But it wouldn't be a good match for me to be a stay at home mom and I wanted to have kids, so I just deal as well as I can and try to have reasonably low expectations.

I try really hard not to consider them failures. I'm doing the best that I can. My kids are happy, my work is mostly done, and generally I'm happy. My house is a mess, and it may take me longer to complete a task at work, but this is what I'm capable of and I'm not willing to sacrifice my sanity and happiness to do it any better. I've stopped comparing myself to some perceived social standard (that isn't reality for just about anyone), and have started being pretty vocal about where I've set my personal bar. At my last review, my boss asked me what my development plan was for the year. I had to tell him that, honestly, I'm handling all I can handle in this moment while still being able to turn out quality work. That won't be the reality forever, or even for long. He appreciated the honesty.

@Ajsmommy: yep, I feel like this too, all the time. I work 50 hours a week and commute 10 hours a week, no one else I work with has kids so no one really gets it even though they’re empathetic, I have 20 month old, I’m 5 months pregnant, we’re moving and my commute is about to get even worse, no end in sight! My sacrificial lambs are professional ambitions, self care (haven’t exercised in 2 years), my own social life, and often my effort put into my relationship with my husband. I am coasting in all of those areas and I’ve come to peace (somewhat) with it. I try not to have a pity party in my head and it helps A LOT to talk to other people in my boat like you.

I don’t know if anyone else struggles with jealousy—sometimes I get overwhelmed with resentment towards women who I perceive to have it “easier”—like they can count on their parents or in-laws, they only work part time, trust funds (Hahahaha seriously) etc. I try to just be grateful every day to have so much good stuff and that does keep it at bay.

The other thing I tell myself about professional coasting and things like being chronically 15-20 minutes late to work in these years is that if everyone we dealt with all day long was a self-sufficient middle class WOH mom with very young kids and in baby zone, just fucking imagine how different life would be

Did I provide food? - check
if they ate it is up to them

Did they have clothes? - check
They may look like a jumbled mess but they are my little messes.

Did I give them a safe a comfortable place to sleep? - check
they may have thrown a fit about bed time and laid screaming on the floor until they feel asleep but the bed was provided.

Did I come to work and teach my classes? - check
I may do the bare minimum some days and not all lessons are stellar but I am present and attentive to my students.

As long as I meet those criteria it's a win. Everything else is a bonus!

I have to just constantly look at my life in a state of triage and accept I can't do everything at once. I just can't. Once I've accepted that I cannot do everything, it puts me in a more peaceful position from which to make the decisions I make and OWN them. If someone calls me out on something, I just say "yep" and move on. That can be my boss, my husband, my kids, whoever. I will say "you're absolutely right, I did (or did not) do that." If its something I can fix or improve, I'll say so, but often times, I don't have an excuse or an apology, its just a matter of "yep."

After an extremely stressful summer last year, I realized I just had to like put a stake in the ground and just prioritize SOMETHING and then let everything flow from that. And in the end, I chose self-care. I just realized I wasn't being a good wife/mother/friend/employee when I was frazzled and mentally unsound. So I've prioritized eating well, trying to get exercise in a few times a week, and sleep. This means I often eat the same meal for days at a time and skip going out to lunch with colleagues because I know its healthy and balanced. Or that stuff doesn't get done around the house because I need to go to bed. Or that I have to take a break from my kids and throw them in front of the TV even when I only see them a few hours in the evening because I'm too irritated to parent kindly. And I've stopped apologizing or feeling bad about it because I need it to perform my job(s) well - just like a first responder or a doctor.

At work, I don't shy away from the fact that I have needy young kids who are always sick. I worked hard as a childless employee and covered for sick day parents all the time. My colleagues can do the same for me now that I'm in that situation. However, I also go out of my way to have everything buttoned up when I leave the office every night. If I have to leave something undone, I have extensive notes on everything in case someone has to pick up a job of mine unexpectedly the next day because my child is out sick. Or I'll come in early or after the kids are in bed and finish a task. If I feel like my kids are starting to come down with something, I give my boss a heads up that I might be out the next day. And I just generally try to be a kind colleague and bring in baked goods or snacks every now and then just because. Kind gestures go a long way.

With my kids, there are times I don't see them in the morning before work or they are in bed before I get home. That might be because of work or that might be because I needed to go blow off the stress of the day and run. But either way, I make every effort to know they are loved somehow even if that happens. If I leave early in the morning before they go to school, I have breakfast sitting in their carseats and lunches with a favorite snack inside so they can know that someone cared for them. Or I will call or FaceTime the kids at night to talk to them before they go to bed.

DH and I actually talk most frequently on the phone while I'm commuting home from work or even when I'm driving back from a grocery shopping expedition. Since I'm already in the car, might as well be productive. Its easier to talk productively then too since I can't do anything else or play with my phone. And it helps me not feel pressured to talk to him or spend time with once I get home since I just really need to go to bed instead of staying up late hanging out. We do make a point to go out to lunch once a week and about once a month our friends babysit so we can go on a date.

I am the first to admit that my life is boring and that this phase is a grind. I don't go out with friends, I don't have time to read books, I don't watch TV, I don't go to events or work conferences. But if I'm healthy and sound, my family knows I'm doing my best to love on them, my kids are healthy and sound, and I'm doing my personal best at work with the capacity I have at the given moment, that's all I can really do. I accept that I just cannot do it all and accept your disappointment if you're lower on my totem pole than you wish. Shrug.

@Mama Bird: uhhhh if I were you I'd be constantly staring them in the face and telling them how easy they had it. not nice of them to denigrate SAHMs, they give up a LOT.

@Ajsmommy: yeah, it's a very good point that we're not working for free here. I grew up on-and-off middle/lower class and my husband grew up poor--we're both conservative spenders but neither of us want to go back to financial discomfort that would come if I quit and we lost half our HHI. it feels like a wonderful privilege to me to not have to be worried about money all the time, even if earning it does wear us out. truth be told I worked hard to get where I am and it feels awful to give it all up. same as you, cutting back is really not a good option, it would be a huge financial sacrifice that would make me start wondering why I'm even paying 50k/year in daycare. unlike you guys, though, most of our friends are in a similar financial bracket (or better) except for a ton of them have a back-pocket secret-rich mom, or the wife has a cute non-career selling something on etsy and the husband does super well, etc. also I can't fucking believe how early you leave the house!-- sheesh! what time do you go to bed??

@MrsSCB: yes, same, I couldn't do full SAH, I don't think I have it in me--plus (I think like you) I really love my job and we worked our tails off to get here. I just wish there was more balance. when did 9-5 become 9-6 with no lunch break and being constantly leashed by email/text? also didn't realize you guys aren't able to milk the grandparent care, sorry to hear that it is awesome for your boo to be able to spend time but that's a shame. my dad is basically immobile and my mom we unfortunately can't trust for anything substantial. I do get really peeved when it seems like everyone is able to stick their kid with their parents and take a long weekend as a couple because it's their anniversary or whatever. bah! PS when do you move in?? we're moving this weekend!

@Ajsmommy: Ugh I feel you! I hate waking kids up!

I feel you. It’s a literal impossibility to accomplish everything I need to do.

My husband has travelled a lot overseas for work the last two years, and he recently chose to take an optional 13 day trip after I told him that I couldn’t handle him leaving so soon after the previous trip (just about two weeks in between). I needed time to recover. We have no family help and have been unable to get daycare for the baby. Meanwhile I’m trying to keep my business afloat part-time. I barely sleep. I am maxed out on caffeine consumption. After he got back, I told him I felt betrayed that he disregarded my input and my needs and went on that trip. But somehow he ended up saying, “I know it’s hard with young kids, but I think you aren’t trying hard enough. I look around and I see other people doing it. You aren’t trying hard enough.”

@periwinklebee: I have a coworker that repeats that phrase to me weekly. That’s not helpful when I’m explaining why I can’t stay late for a meeting.

@Ajsmommy: I manage the daily failures by reminding myself that I’m doing my best and that’s all I can do. Sometimes my best is great and sometimes it’s trying to not get too behind in emails while I sit on the couch with DS on his third sick day of the week. But I take some comfort in knowing I cannot expect any more than my best out of myself. If my boss has a problem with it they can fire me. I’ve had several supervisors since having LO1 and none have said a word to me about performance. I think I grew a lot as an employee when I became a mom and while I can’t dedicate as much ass in seat time I can still get my projects done.

I once attended a meeting about career trajectories and the gentleman that was speaking was a C level exec. He basically said that we think of our careers as a straight line, that goes from point a to point b and continually increases, but in reality, if you look at it historically, it's more like a set of stairs, with promotions and plateaus. Once I framed it like this in my mind, it was easier for me to accept that for some periods of time, whatever it was I could offer would have to be enough.

I try not to get too upset about daily failures. They happen to everyone, parents and non parents alike. I simply look at it over a period of a month...did I do what I needed to do? Did I let my line manager know that I would have challenges on these days?