So I'm still not doing great mentally. I'm all about emotional transparency and being open and honest about how I'm feeling but my kids (3.5 and 6 months) don't need to hear that I'm depressed. They need a mom who is a stable model of mental health and source of calm and reassurance (both of which I'm not). I know I don't need to be perfect but I'm having a hard time faking happiness and positivity. How do moms do it???
Are you moody/ irritable in front of your kids? Do you tell them you're having a rough time?
Holding in my toxic thoughts and bad mood is exhausting. My therapist said there's value in "faking it til I make it" but some days my fake smile almost kills me.
You might also enjoy...
-
Take this with a grain of salt since I’ve never been in your shoes (beyond a few weeks of baby blues, which were bad enough). I would think that I’d do my best, but forgive myself when I can’t. I mean, that’s kind of the rule always even when not dealing with mental illness. As far as telling them, you could say you are sick, and it makes you grumpy (or that you have to be away for any self-care/treatment/therapy) but you are getting better (or whatever other simple phrasing you’d like). That’s what I did to explain to my kid about her grandfather having cancer and being in the hospital. She took it very matter-of-factly and it was not a big deal. What does your therapist suggest? I imagine there are other coping mechanisms in addition to faking it. Hugs. I hope you get well soon.
-
I screamed a LOT and then I apologized a lot. It was bad. On the worst days I told them mommy isn’t feeling well and I need a break/ rest, but I can’t say I handled it particularly well. I did try to embrace the happy moments when I could since they felt rare during that time.
It’s so hard. And you are taking care of yourself and will get through it
-
I was absolutely honest with my 3yo that I was having a rough time and could use a little extra kindness and patience from her. That kind of thing is so important for kids to experience with authenticity.
-
I struggle with chronic pain as I have a connective tissue disorder, Ehlers Danlos Syndrome. Not quite the same thing, but there may be some similarities. My kids are about your age, and I try my best to hide it from them. When things are bad though I'm honest about it. It's different than mental illness, which I've struggled with in the past (multiple episodes of anorexia, depression, and anxiety). In one forum I was in someone had like a whiteboard with their pain levels on it so that her family knew how to act accordingly. I personally wouldn't go to that extreme, but it worked for her and her family. If you are having a really bad day, just let them know that you are sad, and it has nothing to do with them. Maybe on a particularly bad day do something fun for them so they don't really notice. Not sure if this would help, but TV ameliorated some of my depression and anxiety. While I'm watching my kids I stream TV or podcasts on my iPhone and listen to it in one ear. It helps keep me awake. Many years ago, when I suffered from anorexia, depression, and generalized anxiety disorder, I would study and do my homework with the TV on in the background to help calm me down.
-
I think I'd be as honest as I felt comfortable being. Like pp's said it's ok to admit to your kids your not feeling great or your having a bad day or days and it's ok to be sad/mean/aggravated and it's ok to apologize. This is big for me bc my mom never apologized for anything.. I grew up on a parents are right no matter what type household and I didn't appreciate that bc come on!! we all make mistakes. I make sure I apologize to my kids when I feel the need. I've completely exploded before and then apologized within 5 mins bc I was having a bad moment
-
I too admit to my kids when I am not feeling good (granted one is only 8 weeks so she doesn't understand) but my 3 1/2 year old certainly does. Some days I am strong enough to fake it but some days I just can't so I openly admit "Mommy isn't feeling so great today" or "Mommy is feeling sad today." Just saying it out loud to them whether or not they understand helps me cope. I too like others have exploded and then apologized to my toddler shortly after. It just happens. I am trying to be less hard on myself lately and remind myself that this too shall pass. Hugs to you!!! I have my good and bad days as well. If you ever need to talk let me know.
-
If I can't hide it, I tell them in simplified terms what is going on. The other night I started crying, my 4 year old asked why so I said I was sad because some of my friends made me feel left out. I do try to hide it from them most of the time, but other times it is impossible to do. Hang in there, I know it's hard.
-
I have a history of bad PPD and right now am going through perinatal depression which manifests the same way for me. When I am having a really bad period, I tell DD that I am feeling yucky and that it make me cry and yell more but it isn't her fault and that I love her very much no matter what.
I was raised by a mother with serious depression issues. She just tried to hide it, but sucked at it. My therapist has told me that [young] kids always default to thinking they are what caused a parent's bad mood, so it is important to tell them otherwise even if you are putting on a brave front for them.
-
I tell DD if I'm having a bad day (anxiety) and I think it helps both of us. I grew up in a family that never talked about negative feelings, and that made me really scared to ever feel bad. Trying to avoid that with DD.
-
My 6 year old got the brunt of my untreated PPA. I apologized a lot. And then once I was medicated and had it under control, when she asked about the medication I explained it to her in simple terms. I decided to take the approach of no shame in mental health treatment- both my husband and I take SSRIs and many members of our extended family probably should be on them but don't because of misinformation and stigma. There is a good chance my kids will struggle with anxiety in their lives, and I'd like them to feel like medication is a reasonable option.
As for my 3 year old? I'm just trying to do better by prioritizing self care and taking my medication. He's too young to understand any kind of an explanation, though if he ever asked about the medication I take I'd try to explain it somehow. -
Thank you all. These responses were so helpful. Most days I am fine but I have some anger/ "tantrum" type escalating behavior I need to watch. My son is taking a lot after me and it makes me sad- I so hoped he'd have the even-tempered personality of my husband. But he is social and funny and energetic like me. I don't know, hopefully I haven't royally fucked him up.
@Ms. RV: thank you so much for reminding me about making sure the kids know it's not them. I forgot this. -
It sounds like you are doing a great job mama. But I saw this on my feed and thought of this post.
Most importantly - I work in mental health and what I can say is it gets better and will get better. Have hope you will be back to yourself (or better!) because it sounds like you are doing everything right to get there -
@pachamama: thank you for posting this.. this is something I definitely struggle with.. I don’t have any answers for you because I’m trying to figure out the same thing... I have both anxiety and depression. I have many good days but some are awful. I’m not good at hiding it. At all. I don’t lash out, but I’m just not fun to be around and I cry. And I just feel miserable. I’m sure it shows. I don’t want it to affect my daughters. But I’m sure it does.
-
@CatchAFallingStar: Many hugs to you mama!
Reply
Subscribe to our newsletter
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite0
14 comments