After a long time reader of hellobee, I decided to join! I recently had a very long miscarriage when I was around 9 weeks pregnant. My question is about a friend's comments. She often says things that I feel are insensitive/doesn't think before she speaks. A couple recent examples: Chatting with her about her pregnancy (this was about two weeks after my miscarriage)- her anatomy scan is coming up and she desperately wants a girl (this is her second and last pregnancy, first pregnancy was a boy and was vocal about wanting a girl then too). She said that if it is a boy she will obviously love the baby but will feel like she is "mourning a loss". She also recently said (during the week of my miscarriage) that she "can't wait for this crappy month to be over".
Am I being too sensitive? I know she cares about me and would never mean to upset me. I just don't know if I'm supposed to say something to her or just let it go knowing she didn't mean to upset me. I'm usually extremely honest with my close friends but with her I feel like if I say something she will just be really upset and it won't make either of us feel better. Sorry for the long post- I guess to sum it up I'm wondering how some of you handle insensitive comments while recovering from a miscarriage? Thanks!
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While her comments were insensitive and she should think more about her audience, I don't think she meant to upset you. I probably wouldn't say anything to her and would just maybe take a break from her for a little while. If she notices and asks why you've been distant you could just say that it's hard to be around a pregnant person after your loss and that might encourage more sensitivity.
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Sorry about your loss
I too have a friend who said some insensitive things after I had a miscarriage, so I understand where you're coming from. I realized that it was best to not include her in my healing process or mention how I was feeling etc.. I was already hurting and didn't see a point bringing anything up with her - she's just a little clueless sometimes and fails to think about how others might be feeling.
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I'm dealing with something "similar" right now, as in today.. although it's not regarding a mc it is regarding infertility. We are trying for #2 and we are having secondary infertility. We are with an RE and are doing medicated cycles (meds/injections/appts) and two of my good friends at work are AWARE of this. They know we are struggling and that I have my heart set on #2. Well, one of them just found out she's pg. I am happy for her, I really am. But all she talks about now is being pregnant.. and morning sickness and not being able to sleep..she's 8 weeks. I just feel like it's all she talks about and it's hard for me to stomach b/c well DUH, I would kill to be in her shoes. Today she had her sono and texted me a picture and then when she got in she wanted to share the video of the heartbeat. I literally teared up and had to walk away. I feel like a terrible friend.
All that said I think I am being too sensitive but good gosh how can I not be. I feel like it's my issue and not hers so I don't want make her feel bad or awkward so I dont' want to say anything.
In your situation I think only you can decide. I think it depends on how your friendship is with the friend. I think it is probably best to say something..... but as you can see above I can't even take my own advice.
I am sorry you are dealing with this and today has made really realize how important it is to try to be aware of others lives/issues/feelings.
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I'm sorry about your loss. I have 2 friends, that are actually in laws. 1 had a miscarriage, after trying 4 years, 2 weeks before Christmas. Her sister in law decided that Christmas Eve was the time to announce she was expecting her third. It was awful and my heart hurts for her every day. Some people just don't think before they say things.
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I dont think she meant to hurt you but you are going through a hard time so it probably is best just to be honest with her that you find talking about pregnancy difficult while you're mourning your loss.
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If she is a good enough friend I'd just be honest with her and let her know that intentional or not, those comments hurt. But if she's not that good of a friend, I'd just let it go and probably be a little more reclusive for now.
I am so sorry
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@bluerose: First off I am sorry for your loss. Secondly - while I dont necessarily think you are being insensitive (i think you are entitled to feel how ever you need to feel during this phase) I also dont think he comments were insensitive. Had she referred to this month as "the best month ever" I would feel a little differently. I think you should discuss with her comments that hurt you as you two seem close. Or as @Truth Bombs: suggested perhaps distance yourself if you think that is best given she is pregnant and it may be hard to be around her.
Also - as someone who has gone through gender disappointment I would encourage you (especially if you continue to be friends with her throughout her pregnancy) to understand that gender disappointment is real. I understand that the loss you were/are going through is very real itself and is a pain I cannot imagine. Someone giving up the idea of having a little girl they desperately want is very hard as well. DH and I wanted a boy terribly - him more than me...but that of course makes me want it as well for his sake - when we found out our second (and last) was another girl we were heartbroken. His dream of having a son was gone...yes we get a baby in the end but it can be just as devastating.
again - going through a miscarriage is a very difficult thing and I think you need to just feel what ever you need to feel but I think talking to her (help he seeing from your stand point) is best if you are going to continue to be friends with her. I also think its ok if you need to distance yourself because its too hard to see her going through her pregnancy....
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I'm no way making excuses for her insensitive comments, but has she been through a miscarriage? I've found that for people who haven't walked that road before, their brains sometimes just don't or won't ever wrap around what you're going through. They might be the same friends who have foot in mouth moments alllll the time and don't ever realize it. I'd just keep a healthy distance for your own sake.
I had to tell a friend that her comments (similar to your friend's) were stinging; she apologized, of course, but I don't think she'll ever "get it". Its the classic "know your audience" thing; this friend doesn't ever stop and consider her audience before she speaks. -
I'm so sorry for your loss. I agree with PP. I too had a similar experience when I had my miscarriage. I think sometimes people just don't realize what they're are saying. Take care.
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I'm sorry for your loss. I've gotten comments like these too, from pregnant friends who knew about my loss. They hurt but I tried to not let it affect my friendship because I think they genuinely didn't realize how upsetting it was. They had not suffered losses and I think it's hard to understand how deeply you can mourn a miscarriage unless you have been through one. So I would usually let it go.
That being said, if someone told me they were "mourning a loss" simply due to having a boy instead of a girl, I would probably say something. That is insensitive to a degree that I haven't experienced. If you don't want to cause friction, you might want to just steer clear for awhile until her baby comes. Sorry you are dealing with this.
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I'm sorry for your loss. While I totally understand why her comments upset you and think you have every right to be sensitive right now, I still think she's entitled to her real and valid feelings and don't think she meant to hurt you or be insensitive, though she could choose her audience for those feelings better. I have found most people that haven't been through it before don't get how devastating it can be even that early on. Depending on your relationship and how much this is impacting your friendship, you're well within your rights to express yourself to her. If she's a true friend she will understand and be more conscious in the future.
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Sorry for your loss. I still remember wiping away tears at a work dinner when a co-worker was teasing me for not starting a family already about two months after my m/c. To have a friend that actually knows what's going on with you speak cavalierly about her pregnancy has to hurt.
Like @Mrs D: said what your friend feels and hopes for is just as real as your own feelings.
Not related to pregnancy, but I have told friends that I felt were not very considerate about what they say that their words were hurtful. Being honest and open with them helped and also realizing that their flippant exchanges weren't directed solely at me let me continue to enjoy their friendship.
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So sorry about your loss.
Because you know she wasn't trying to be hurtful, I'd probably ignore it. True story - despite having experienced infertility firsthand and having been only able to conceive my kids via IVF, I made a comment to a friend undergoing IVF that was so insensitive I literally cannot even think about without getting nauseous with embarrassment. That same friend make an equally insensitive comment to me while my preemie daughter was in NICU, despite having had a child in the NICU herself. Bottom line - sometimes even people with the best intention say stupid shit.
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Sorry but anyone who thinks gender disappointment can be as hard as having a miscarriage has definitely never had a miscarriage. You choose to have a baby knowing you may not get your preferred gender, no one chooses to have a miscarriage.
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I've learned over the course of the last several months that people who haven't been there just don't get it. Even if they think they do -- they don't. It is so much harder to actually go through loss; even harder than I could have ever imagined and I used to think I was a pretty sympathetic person.
It's amazing the number of heartless comments I've heard from people, even people who are actively TRYING to be helpful. That's not even getting into the things like people complaining about pregnancy issues I would LOVE to be dealing with. So I try to remind myself that they really, truly, don't understand. And if they say something totally outlandish I tell them that they hurt my feelings, so that maybe they won't do it to another person. Surrounding myself with people who DO get it has helped infinitely, too.
Sending you lots of love. It is totally normal to feel raw, right now.
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@Truth Bombs: I don't think that's what anyone meant. I lost someone close recently and withdrew for a bit bc I didn't want to talk about trivial crap that didn't matter when such an important person was gone. But normally I talk to DH and friends about big, medium and small things - we're not just one upping each other on deep, meaningful topics of convo. But during grief giving a shit and feeling empathy for others smaller problems can go down. It's not wrong for people to examine their smaller problems and it's not wrong for people to grieve.
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Friends are selfish ... just like we are. We are all human. This doesn't make it hurt any less, but I think that having it in you to forgive selfish/insensitive comments (because we are all on our own journey) is important.
That said, I would expect my friends to be sensitive to my situation. Maybe a little space would be good, or a simple mention that it hurt you. I was guilty of saying things like, "It just wasn't meant to be" (horrible!!!) when I was younger, and it wasn't until later (when I experienced my own m/c) that I realized how insensitive that is. We want to hear: "That sucks. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm here for you!" -- when that doesn't happen, you have every right to feel hurt.
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@Truth Bombs: aww man, I didn't mean for what I wrote to come off as a direct comparison of the two. I've only experienced a miscarriage. However, I'm a firm believer that everyone has a right to their feelings.
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@Truth Bombs: No one said it was the same...just saying everyone is entitled to have their feelings about things...just as this friend obviously it seems has not experienced a loss and doesn't know what that feels like and therefore may be slightly insensitive or make comments...some people have not experienced gender disappointment and could likewise minimize the feelings their friend should feel. Everyone is entitled to feel what they want about these things...no one needs to compare what is worse...mourning a loss is mourning a loss - no matter what the loss is of - people are entitled to do it as they see fit...
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I've had a couple of miscarriages which obviously sucked but neither of the comments you describe strike me as insensitive and it wouldn't have occurred to me to be hurt by them. If a friend can't talk about it being a crappy month ... I feel like that's so much self censorship it becomes impossible to actually talk at all. And that's okay if you don't feel like talking to anyone for a while! But if you do want to talk... they are going to talk about their lives that's just totally normal and if anything I think saying the month is crappy is empathetic.
Agree that "That sucks, I'm sorry for you loss" is what people should say but.. that doesn't make a conversation.
I do think someone who is very sensitive would have avoided talking about mourning the loss of a girl when having another boy but to many people it would not occur and I think that's okay. Her loss of a dream is real. And it's totally okay if you don't feel a lot of empathy for her just now. But if you guys were chatting about her pregnancy... that's a really subtle line to draw that I'm not sure she had any way of knowing regarding what does and doesn't hurt you.
It's a hard time for you and various things hurt. I wouldn't dwell on what this particular friend's non intentionally hurtful comments made you feel.
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@Mrs D: I absolutely understand gender disappointment is a real thing. My husband also would have been upset if our second was not a boy. But your quote above was "His dream of having a son was gone...yes we get a baby in the end but it can be just as devastating". Your use of the phrase "just as devastating" says you and your husband would have been equally as upset hearing "it's a girl" as hearing "you lost the baby". I sincerely hope that's not true, but that's what your statement says. And on a thread started by someone who just lost a baby, I didn't think that was an appropriate remark.
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I'm sorry, but what? I have an immensely hard time with the idea that a loss is a loss, and all are perfectly equal in their validity. Grief for a child that will not come to be, devastation over a genuine life that is suddenly lost - I cannot put those experiences on par with "gender disappointment." Not getting the "right" gender and/or perceived experiences (gender stereotypes) you initially hoped for is not equal to the devastation of miscarriage and/or infertility.
OP, I'm sorry for your pain, and that you felt hurt by your friend's comments. It would bother me, too. If the two of you are close, I think an honest conversation is warranted. If it's too heavy of a topic right now, I'd agree some temporary distance might serve you well.
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Sorry your friend had a lapse in common sense and judgement. Talking about your potential gender issues in the same breath as someone's miscarriage is really inappropriate
I mean....duh. Take some space for sure
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I'm sorry for what you are going through. To be honest, I don't think she meant to be insensitive. People say things and really don't even realize they are being insensitive.
I've been on both sides. I've had two miscarriages and I know I've been upset by comments people have said when it was mostly me being sensitive and just mourning our loss. Now I'm on the other side. I'm currently pregnant and one of my BFFs just had a miscarriage. Having been through what she is going through twice, I'm very cautious in re: to my pregnancy complaints. Even though I'm going through my own struggles this current pregnancy, I try not to say anything that may offend her.
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I am very sorry for your loss.
But I do agree with a couple of the PPs - I don't really find your friends comments to be insensitive. Especially if you guys were having a conversation about her pregnancy. Understandably, it might be really hard for you to talk about babies and pregnancy right now. And that's OK! You have every right to tell your friend (or other people in your life) that those are just not topics that you feel up to talking about under the current circumstances. But it sounds like from your post that you guys were having a friendly conversation about her pregnancy and if so, things like that are going to come up. I don't think that she is being insensitive by taking part in the friendly conversation.
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@Truth Bombs: sorry I just generally think you don't compete over who's loss is worse. A loss is a loss - arguing over which is "worse" is a pointless thing. Losses are relative to ones experiences - as are people's feelings. Just my opinion. Ops mc may be the hardest thing she has been through, and for this friend the gender disappointment may be the hardest thing she has been through...why make it a competition to who us more entitled to the opinion. That's all.
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@Mrs D: Common sense, man. You don't complain about your dead gerbil when someone says their husband died. There is a heirarchy....no penis (or vagina) is not the same as loss of a baby
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@Mrs D: you might be disappointed your baby is a girl but you still have a baby to bring home.
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I Respectfully agree to disagree.
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@Mrs D: It's the law of holes: when you're in one, stop digging.
OP: I'm very sorry for your loss.
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@Mrs D: you are entitled to your opinion. I just sincerely hope for the sake of your daughter that by the time she gets home you have decided that having her be a girl is better than not having her at all. Because if not, how sad for her.
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@Truth Bombs: again I am not competing over the which loss is worse. Yes my husband gets to bring home his daughter (hopefully) and that is wonderful. Doesn't change the fact that he'll never bring home the son he has dreamed of and prayed for. I'm fine with someone mourning that loss - but then again I think it's just generally in poor taste to tell people how they should or should not feel about their own personal situations.
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A request to stay on-topic with the OP's question:
<< I guess to sum it up I'm wondering how some of you handle insensitive comments while recovering from a miscarriage? >>
@bluerose: When my wife was recovering from her miscarriages, we had a really hard time with insensitive comments. We both became really sensitive in general. I never realized how many strollers there were in the world until we had our first miscarriage! Every stroller filled with a baby felt like a personal rebuke in those first few days and weeks.
We ended up withdrawing from the world for a little bit during the healing process... it gave us the time and space we needed to move forward.
Much love and healing to you!!
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I couldnt be around pregnant people or babies for a very long time after both of my miscarriages. So I give you a lot of love for being there for your friend. Maybe you could write down how you feel so you can process it and she can also have time to read it and take it in.
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I've never had a miscarriage, but I can imagine being really hurt by your friend's comments, especially when they're happening repeatedly. ("Mourning a loss" is a hardcore foot-in-mouth move.) I would probably distance myself for a while, or just straight up tell her that it's hard for you to hear her complaints about her healthy pregnancy in the wake of your miscarriage. Hugs to you.
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@bluerose: I'm so sorry for your loss. Before I answer your question, I wanted to say welcome. I wish it was under better circumstances, but (unfortunately) there are a lot of ladies in this community that can relate to how you're feeling, you aren't alone!
I had two losses and while I can't think of specifics, I do remember there being some stinging comments. And even when I started IVF, a friend who had never miscarried or had trouble conceiving said "well IVF isn't that big of a deal". Huh? Who says that?
The people who hurt me with their comments - I know they didn't meant to. And it sounds like your friend probably didn't mean to either. I think getting into specific comments with her might not be worthwhile (especially if she never MC'd, it's true that it's one of those things you don't "get" until you're in it). But if you can muster the courage to say that generally you're really raw right now and talking about her pregnancy is hard to do, I think she'll get that. And even if she doesn't "get" it (like why her pregnancy would be hard for you) she'll at least know and maybe be more selective in what she says.
Something like "Hey, I'm honestly and truly really happy for you and I can't wait to meet him, but right now with the MC being so new, EVERYTHING baby and pregnancy is really hard for me to talk about. Not just yours! It just reminds me of my loss. Is it OK if we avoid the topic for a little while?" -
Thank you all very much for taking the time to comment. It was really helpful to read them all. I do agree that she did not mean to hurt me or upset me, but after many conversations like this maybe a little distance is wise. I also, in no way meant her feelings aren't real or valid. I care about her and want her to be happy. I want to hear her feelings too. I just think her choice of wording and timing could have been different and that was why I thought it insensitive.
Thanks again, reading all these comments helped and I'm glad I finally took the leap to join hellobee and start posting. -
I say a bit of distance is good right now. I am so sorry for your loss.
When I had a miscarriage this summer, someone posted here about gender disappointment. All I could think of was "are you $/&*ing kidding me?!" I'll take whatever I can get!
Hugs to you, so sorry
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