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How to deal with a friend's insensitive comments

  1. simplyfelicity

    cantaloupe / 6634 posts

    Welcome to our little community! I am so sorry for your loss. A friend of mine announced her pregnancy (we both had our first losses at the same time) after I had been crying to her about my second and very recent loss. It was really hard to watch her model her maternity jeans in front of me. I went into the bathroom of the restaurant and sobbed. I put a lot of distance between us because she really hurt me.
    When I got pregnant again, I reached out to her and finally explained what happened. She said it just never occurred to her. I have since forgiven her but things aren't really the same.
    I think you might need to be honest with her if she makes another comment like that. If you don't think she would be receptive, distance might be a good idea.
    Once again, I am so sorry.


    nectarine / 2461 posts

    @bluerose: welcome! there's already so much great advice from all these wise ladies. just wanted to be one more person telling you, I've been there, and it is incredibly painful. in the couple of weeks after my losses, I remember that pregnant strangers putting their hands on their bellies felt like a personal affront set out to hurt my feelings. sounds insane, but it felt so true. Like @MrsDragon: said, the people who have gone through this agony will do better with you than the ones who haven't.

    yes, of course your friend is entitled to her feelings, but this wasn't the time/place/person to vent them to. my answer to your question of how to deal with it is that I'm realizing that talking about the pain with my real-life pregnant people is the only way to move through my resentment of their lack of understanding--kind of forces them to understand, at least a little better. so if and when you're ready, if it ever feels right, maybe it would help to be open about how much this hurts. who decided that we're going to discuss pregnancy and babies and birthing stories until the end of time, but pain gets swept under the rug because it's uncomfortable? for lack of better comment: F that

  3. jaguar

    pomegranate / 3764 posts

    I do think the gender comment is very insensitive - though I doubt she probably even realises how much those comments hurt someone who has gone through a miscarriage and is so desperately craving a baby, any baby, to hold in their arms. I guess in my way I always try to gently educate people... they're entitled to their feelings about life situations (of course - we all are!) but perhaps YOU might not be the best person to share that with, at this particular point in time.


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