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@ChasingARainbow: I am so sorry for your loss.

I don't think you mentioned it, but are you in any sort of therapy?

My dad had brain cancer several years ago (he died in 2009), and I totally know what you're saying about it hurting so bad it physically hurts. I went to my PCP at one point because I SWORE I had mono. It felt just like when I had it in college. I was physically achey and just felt...sick. When the test came back negative and my doctor told me he couldn't find anything wrong with me, I totally broke down in his office and he prescribed me xanax.

I told a friend about it (who'd also lost her father to the same cancer) and she suggested I go to therapy as well. The medicine was just a bandaid to deal with the pain for now. But I needed to learn how to cope with it through therapy.

DH and I weren't even married yet so we weren't TTC at the time, so I did find the drugs helpful, but eventually I started feeling numb while on them and weaned off.

I hope you have lots of support to help you through this really awful time. I know how much it can totally suck to have to deal with the new normal of a parent not being there.

I think a T-shirt quilt is an amazing idea. I made one for my dad when he was sick and I treasure it now.

If you need someone to talk to, feel free to wall me and I'll give you my email address.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 7 years ago, so I can relate.