My husband and I don't fight often, but lately when we do fight it's been about him not having enough time to himself. We have a 16 month old and caring for him has been pretty close to 50/50 with the exception that I'm home with him a day or two more during the week.
Lately though, DH has been getting moody about not being able to "get things down" and have time to himself when being a husband and father takes up "95%" of his time. He loves DS more than anything, and I know that, but I can't help but feel hurt when he says things like that because it makes me feel like this isn't the life he would've chosen for himself. I also get pissed because really, when do I get time for MYSELF? His response to that was "well you're the mother you're supposed to take care of him". This was said while fighting, but it made me really mad because really we're not in the 1950's. I work too! And the thing is I DO give him time to himself. Just yesterday he took two hours working on something in the garage while I played with DS.
This is mostly a vent, but am I overreacting? I would love to give in and just give him more time to himself, but at the same time I feel like I'm screwing myself that way. Any suggestions?
Thanks for listening!
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Nope. Not overreacting. Can you schedule separate "me" time for both of you? That way it's fair and you both get what you need?
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"well you're the mother you're supposed to take care of him" Oh helllllls no!
I'm assuming your LO naps...what does your DH do during that time? I usually take LO to the grocery store by myself on Sunday mornings to give DH an hour or so to himself, and he'll usually run an errand with LO as well to give me a break. Could you do something like that?
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Can he find activities to do with your son? Maybe biking or set a play pen out side in the garage while he does a project?
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I think this is a pretty normal argument, however I think free time for DH (and for YOU) is important to stay balanced. I would suggest that say on Saturdays you get 2 hours to do your thing while he watches DS, and then on Sundays he gets the same. But then the rest of the time is spent as a family because together time is important too.
DH and I both agree that we need "me" time, we have always been like this, so we continued even after DD was born.
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Not overreacting at all. With that said, I hear this husband complaint among my mom friends a lot. I always say that men aren't wired the same as us. It's a framing issue, really.
I agree with @Hoots that it might be nice if y'all both have planned time for each of you. We take turns on the weekends letting each other go do something childfree. It might just be walking aimlessly around Target, but it can help a lot!
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The way he phrased it would make me furious, but I think it's very common for parents to feel like they need some time to themselves. I like the idea of setting an even trade like @LuLu Mom suggested. That way you both can have a little time to recharge without either of you feeling taken advantage of.
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Another suggestion would be for him to scheduled his activities around your sons naps/night sleep times. My husband will often go golf or work in the garage while the kids are napping. Or he will wait to go to the gym until after they are in bed. That way its not cutting into family time.
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It was a tough adjustment for me too.
Agree on both getting an afternoon off here and there! Should take my own advice!!
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My dh and I just came up with a plan to alternate care of dd on saturday mornings until nap time so we can each have some time to do whatever we like
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I would be super pissed over his choice of words, but it sounds like you both need some personal time to relax - not just him! I'd tell him that you both need some down time, but need to have it scheduled.
My DH and I each chose an activity outside the home to enjoy. He plays soccer one night a week and I joined a local orchestra. Both start after our LO goes to bed, so the other person also gets some down time alone at home to chill.
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I was kind of on your DH's side here until I got to the part where you don't have free time either but he says that since you're the mom it's your job to take care of him. Hell no!
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@wonderstruck: me too!
I think downtime is important for both parents....both separate individual time and time together without kids. I hope he just said that because he was angry and didn't mean it. I definitely think it's ok for a parent to express a need like that. Better to say it and work out a plan than get burnt out and shut down
I hope you guys are able to work out a way to meet everyone's needs soon!
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Lol no.
Trade off down time! If he asks for some, give it to him, with the expectation that you get it, too. Moms aren't exempt and dads aren't special snowflakes in this regard
What do you do during LO's naps?
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I agree - trading off time would be great for both of you. And maybe even some babysitting times for the both of you to spend time together?
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Someone told me that they split the weekends into 4 segments, before nap on Saturday, after nap on Saturday, before nap on Sunday, after nap on Sunday and we've been trying to think of it that way too. During nap, we both have free time, then we each get another segment of free time, and then we spend two of the segments together.
It's a nice idea and we've been trying it!
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I don't like his wording either but you BOTH need to schedule time for yourself. The first two weeks i was home with LO, I was having a hard time getting to crossfit, which is my "me" thing. I felt like I was losing it, not having any time to myself. Now that I have that back in my schedule, I feel 1 million percent better. I just mentioned to DH that he needs to find something to do on his own...besides just playing on his phone during downtime.
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I had to tell my husband, rather than ask him, when I had something planned for myself. I found when I asked him, it opened it up for discussion about the time, the event itself, etc.
Eventually, we ended up with a part time nanny (4 hours a week) where I could do whatever I wanted, without having to ask anyone. It was great and much needed. -
@lawbee11: "well you're the mother you're supposed to take care of him" Oh helllllls no!
-Haha right?! He knew that comment would throw me over the edge! There's nothing I hate more than gender stereotypes like that! DS does take an afternoon nap so we usually use that time to clean etc....@T.H.O.U.: Setting up a play pen in the garage is a great idea! It's cold out now, but we can def try that in the spring. Thanks!
@mrbee: Thanks for weighing in! It's nice to get a mans perspective.
DH surprised us by coming home for lunch today and apologized. He mentioned that he said some things out of anger and he was sorry. We're going to take everyones advice and alternate alone time so that neither of us get burnt out. I'm just happy that he can see it from my point of view too. After all, mom's need me-time too!!
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Hell no to the it's your job!! Nap time is his me time. Or like others I will take LO to Target and the grocery with me and DH can watch TV or play video games. I leave during nap to go shopping, get a pedicure, etc, DH rests and then gets her when she wakes up.
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@skipper2010: we have the same discussion frequently. The extra thorn in my side is that DH has every Friday to himself while LO is at daycare and he works from home on Mondays. I guess he needs additional free time on the weekend on top of that. It must be hard to be a man.
Since I got pregnant with #2 he's stepped up some but covering for me when I feel sick doesn't feel the same as free time to me. I like pp suggestion of pre and post nap segments.
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My blood boiled a bit reading this. I think men have trouble realizing when they actually ARE getting time to themselves. Like I bet your DH didn't even classify the garage time as "time to himself". My DH is insanely lucky in this department, he gets to go on weekenders with his friends to skii and whatnot, I'm definitely the one complaining that I don't get any free time!
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@Corduroy: Having every Friday off sounds incredible!
That said, I work from home and it can be a real challenge. I end up taking "breaks" from work to do chores, and there's no socialization at all. Can't beat the flexibility, but I wouldn't count a WAH day as anything less than a regular work day. I'd much rather work from an office than from my home!
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@Corduroy: I'm glad it's not just me!
@getjazzy: You're so right about men not realizing they are getting time to themselves. It's like they need a set schedule with "me-time" penciled in. It doesn't really work that way.
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We had EXACTLY that argument a few months back. DH was annoyed that get didn't get time to do home improvements because "that's for all of us". I offered him scheduled time but he didn't want that because he might not "feel like it" on the day. Ultimately, it was about freedom, something we both miss. Giving him that freedom would mean that I have to take even more of the responsibility so I'm not willing to do it. We haven't resolved it yet!
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@mrbee: Yes. Now that I'm doing more of it I'm realizing WAH has significant drawbacks. The biggest being I never, never, never feel like I'm "off." Sigh.
I hope you guys are able to work out a way to meet everyone's needs soon!
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