DD will be 3 in about 2 weeks and seriously, her attitude is OUT. OF. CONTROL. About 2 months ago we started "1-2-3 Magic" for day to day discipline which worked well. But now we are dealing with so much back talk that I don't know how to handle. I've tried repeating back to her how she should have responded and she will turn around and correct me with "No, I said, not okay mommy" or whatever her attitude laden response was. I seriously do not know what to do about this. I'm tired of hearing her whine, yell or attempt to boss me. By the end of the day, I'm so spent. How do you handle back talk and a general disrespectful attitude?
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I just refuse to give him what he is asking for unless he asks nicely. So if he says, "mommy get me milk now!" I say, "Can you ask me nicely?" or "Is that a nice way to ask?" and then he usually rephrases. If he doesn't, I say "I don't like when you talk to me that way, and if you want me to get you milk, you need to ask nicely". As long as he gives me a please, even if it's begrudging, I say thank you and get him his milk. And if he doesn't, and he throws a tantrum, that's ok too. I also feel like it's not worth it to battle over every attitude laden response, since we'd be fighting a LOT in that case. It's good training for the teenage years!
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@hilsy85: that's basically what I do. But after days and days of so much 'tude it makes me wonder if I was letting her get away with too much, even if she isn't getting what she's asking for. Sometimes I feel like even though I'm not giving in, I'm also not necessarily teaching her how to be respectful
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@Mrs. Sunshine: I'm sure she knows HOW to ask nicely, and knows how to be respectful, she is just choosing not to! I feel like sometimes they are just so full of all the feelings, and it's hard for them to manage/control themselves--so I try to cut DS some slack.
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@hilsy85: good point. I've always really liked that saying "My child isn't GIVING me a hard time, my child is HAVING a hard time." That could apply here too. Just sometimes it feels so purposeful! But it's good to remember that she's just acting her age doesn't mean it in the way I can sometimes hear it.
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My son is 2.5. I find that the only thing that affects his behavior is to take something away. He doesn't respond to anything else. His bike spent Sunday in the closet after he refused to brush his teeth on Saturday night. I give him a few chances to modify his behavior first by counting to 5 or 10. I follow through when he doesn't comply. A majority of the time when I tell him I will take something away, he stops what he is doing.
I have no idea if this is reasonable parenting, but he has a stubborn personality. If he doesn't want to do something, he will not comply just because I ask him to.
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I try to do basically what @hilsy85: said. It still drives me crazy, especially with demanding food when we are all eating. Like I'll have just sat down after getting her everything and she's already demanding something else. She's gotten really good about asking For things nicely, often with a reminder but sometimes not. Sometimes I can just give her a look and she rephrases it without me saying anything. But she's still not good at hearing no.
Major progress though- the other day she kept asking for things at lunch and I told her I had just sat down and needed to eat my sandwich before I got her any more food. She actually sat and watched me eat and the second I put the last bite in my mouth she said, now can I please have some more milk? I was so impressed.
But yeah. 3 is hard. I'm going to try to remember that phrase- she's not giving me a hard time, she's having a hard time.
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@Mrs. Sunshine: I do a lot of what @hilsy85: said. Also, our therapist has told us to not engage with our child when she's like that. If she wants to talk back, she is told it's not acceptable and when she's ready to be nice, we'll talk again. But until then, we have to completely ignore it.... which is so much easier than said! lol
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@Foodnerd81: when I tell my LO to wait until I'm done eating, she asks every few minutes if I'm done yet lol
@BabyBoecksMom: thanks...ill try that. It will be hard for sure lol -
@Mrs. Sunshine: Ugh I have no advice but lots of commiseration. My daughter is almost 3 and is SO whiny and defiant! I can almost handle the defiance more than the whining. If she doesn't get her way she just does this low moan/whine FOREVER. Sometimes accompanied by laying face down on the welcome mat. It is the most ridiculous and dramatic thing I've ever seen. I usually just ignore her until she gets over it but inside it makes me insane.
ETA: I've noticed her moods are VERY affected by her physical conditions. A lot of times if she's being really bad at dinner, I'll put her to bed early (last week she went to bed at 5:30 one night!!). Or I try to think if she's hungry/thirsty/cold/hot/has to go to the bathroom/etc. Not foolproof but it helps!
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I'm still in the attitude/defiance/not listening phase with my newly four year old DD, and unfortunately, her two year old sister loves to copy big sis. There are days when I am shaking my head wondering why she treats me so terribly, yet when she stays with my MIL or any of my friends watch her, they go on and on about how good she is at listening and sharing, what wonderful manners she has, etc. It's incredibly frustrating - but I've noticed the same with children of friends...their behavior towards their mother is downright awful, but in the same breath as they're whining and throwing a fit at her, they can turn around and ask me ever so sweetly for something, wait patiently for me to pay attention to them, and then thank me profusely when I help them.
My MIL insists that this about face is a sign that I'm doing a good job with my kids - that as hurtful as it is, my daughters love and trust me....and therefore, they see me as a safe outlet for all of their testing behavior, new emotions, etc. Her advice is basically to hang in there, and to keep doing what I'm doing.
I'm sorry this doesn't offer any real tips or suggestions, but I'm sharing it in hope that it helps assure you that there are lots of us going through this, and that it seems like we're doing the right thing by doing our best to correct the behavior and forging onward.
ETA: "what I'm doing" sounds pretty much like what you're doing. Refusing to acknowledge requests that are nasty/tantrumy, or kindly offering her a nicer way to say/ask for something, and more recently, asking her to leave the room and go to a quiet/private place (temporarily) to let her feelings out if she can't control her emotions so that she's not upsetting others.
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