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Omg thank you for putting my thoughts to words!

You're totally right - people's expectations of dads do tend to be lower, especially from older generations! Hopefully DH grows into his role as a father and embraces equal and fair parenting!!

On a personal note, dunno if this helps or not but society is not kind to dads overall. Basically everyone assumes you're a potential child molester. It's the worst.

Ahh, I feel the same way! DH's grand parents especially make me feel bad if they are around and DH holds her or changes her diaper. On top of it, they keep on giving me recipe books like "100 meals to make in your microwave" ouch.

@HLK208: lol!
My husband is a GREAT dad...but he is not doing anything out of his realm of duties. He's a dad; he does his duties well. But I don't like when people make it seem like DH is doing something above and beyond what he "should" be doing. He doesn't "help me"; he is just being a dad, as he should.
@mrbee: this is true too.

@Mrs. Superhero: This! Exactly! My husband and I have both, (sometimes awkwardly), corrected people who refer to his parenting as "babysitting." It's demeaning for the role that he plays in our daughter's life and it totally begs the question...what do I do all day? I certainly don't babysit, I parent!

I think these people beg the reply - "You're right. He is a great Dad. But not because he changes diapers and pays attention to her. That's just parenting."

I saw a great post about this very issue recently from a father. It was really well written. I sent it to DH, and he actually liked it quite a bit. Let's hope he takes it heart when it's his turn.

http://daddydoinwork.com/low/

P.S. I find that this does not just apply to childcare duties. We often host Thanksgiving dinner and my godmother, who is like a grandmother to me, would remark at how great it was that DH was helping with cleaning and other duties. I told that her that's what he was supposed to. He lives here, and he co-hosts this gathering with me. Considering he doesn't do any of the cooking, he better help out in other ways.

Oh, i get the same responses as far as my husband doing things like cooking and cleaning and running errands, or even just going to the grocery store. Like...yeah, those don't deserve a gold star.

Ha, I hear how awesome DH is and how lucky I am to be with him all the time, and he's not even a father yet. It's kind of become a joke to us because it's happened so much. Mostly it was our co-workers and his family, but then one day my mom was like "oh M's so wonderful, you're so lucky" and I was like OMG Mom! I told her how everyone always tells us that, but no one says the same thing about me, so then she started telling him in a very over the top way how wonderful I was, lol.

My pet peeve is when people refer to a dad parenting as babysitting!! "Oh, that's nice your out without the baby. Is daddy babysittins?"
"Nope. He's parenting."

That said, DH is a superdad and I'm incredible lucky to have such an equal partner in raising our daughter. Now if I could only get him to pick up his laundry.

@LittleFox: You are a lucky person!

I think part of what we're seeing is a post-feminist or new feminist cultural divide. So our parents' generation sees men doing what we would consider a minimum or a start and think that they are doing something outside the current cultural norm. Whereas we (having reaped the benefits of the feminist movement of the 1970s until now-- maybe sometimes without even recognizing it) fall more on the side of "the basics are expected"... which is fabulous and very different from when our parents raised us... BUT not enough. And I think that may be where a lot of the frustration comes in. Hopefully, society continues to grow and hold dads accountable as equal co-parents so that our daughters' generation see their partners' equal participation as a non-negotiable! I think we as parents (mostly moms) can be instrumental in moving the needle on this, both as ambassadors to our parents' generation and as examples to our childrens' generation.

Is that making any sense?

Wow, this is a lot to think about! My Mom was a SAHM and I don't think my Dad even knew where she kept the diapers. He also didn't do any housework or run any household errands. But to be completely honest, I think that if I stayed home and DH was the sole breadwinner, we wouldn't be too different from them.

Since both DH and I work full time, however, I will be very annoyed if anyone makes a comment like this to us. And I"m curious to see how my MIL will react to DH taking on 1/2 of the parenting because she has never been exposed to that before. Her Mom was a SAHM raising 5 kids, she was a single Mom herself and DH's only sibling is the sole breadwinner while his wife stays home with 2 kids.

So, I'm going to be the devil's advocate on this one. Mainly b/c I do have a very hands on DH as well.

The thing is, when you run around while DH just stands there, he's not a mind reader. Asking him to help you is key. You don't have to be super mom just b/c society expects you to be. I think my DH is so hands on b/c I politely (not angrily...that will just form resentment) ask him to help.

Asking him, "Hey...do you mind checking her diaper bag to make sure she has x, y and z?" will help you tremendously. My guess is that he won't be giving you attitude if he sees you running around trying to get you all out of the house. You guys are a team, and helping each other should be second nature. But he's also a guy...so try not to expect him to know when you need help if you don't ask...

@Mrs. Jacks: @LittleFox: I completely agree, and am also extremely lucky that my husband is truly an equal parent, to the point where he often does more than I do - many days I feel like I do the feeding, while he does literally everything else! So when our parents think he's a great dad, they're absolutely right. He'd be a great mom too, and we both hate that there is still a distinction between what is expected of each parent.

I feel like this a lot too. Not because DH isn't an awesome dad, because he most definitely is, but that he's constantly praised for it. Sometimes I'd like/need/want some reassurance that I'm doing a good job too. I've been told ONCE by my mom that I was doing a good job 1 week after M was born as I was sobbing my face off because I was totally overwhelmed. He on the other hand, is always being patted on the back for how good of dad he is. Just for doing things like holding her, or playing with her! I guess it just sort of annoys me that it's just automatically expected for mothering to come natural to a woman but when a man does his dadly duties, he deserves a medal.

Yup - we get this a lot too!!

HOWEVER my family and DH's family expect him to be an active participant in our childs life simply because he is the father... SO from them at least it's not an issue because when people say he is a great day - it's because he REALLY is! It's not just about spending time with his son or changing his diaper but genuinely investing in his life, being that father figure, that playmate, but that disciplinarian when needed - the one who provides, who loves, who comforts, provides shelter, food and clothing - he does all I do and more! And quite honestly I would expect nothing less.

It DOES bother me when moms say their husbands go out with they guys consistently but the mom has to ASK to go out maybe once a month with her friends..? that's not right

And with PP's, we call it parenting around here - not babysitting!

I also hate how society still expects moms to pull all the weight -even though such a large percentage of moms are working FT right there with their husbands so it creates even MORE of an equal partnership - or at least the need for an equal partnership.