I've come to the realization today that my new normal is NOT normal, and I can't live like this.

Ever since Vi's (extremely traumatic) birth, I've struggled with anxiety and depression. My midwife suggested I might have PTSD, but I've not been officially diagnosed.

I started having frequent anxiety attacks (especially anytime Vi left my sight), horrible nightmares, and worst of all, intrusive thoughts. By that I mean a thought that pops into my head randomly, seemingly unprompted, with a horrific image or short "movie" of something terrible happening to Vi, or sometimes Vi and I. I HATE these images and try really hard to think about something else, but when it happens I just get incredibly upset and it takes me several minutes to shake the overwhelming feeling of dread.

My sister came to visit over the summer, and things started to get a little better. I didn't feel sad all the time, I didn't feel AS anxious, and the intrusive thoughts happened only a few times a week. I thought I was getting better.

Then my sister left. Within hours, I was a mess. It wasn't that I missed her necessarily (honestly three months with an 18 year old in my house was quite enough), I just freaked out being alone.

My mom arrived three days later, and all started to get better again. I started feeling better again.

Today she left, just for three days. I freaked. I can't explain it sensibly, but I just couldn't be alone. She's been gone for five hours and I've broken down into tears twice, for no reason. The second time was a few minutes ago in the middle of a resturant. I can't control it. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I've had dozens of those "intrusive thoughts" in the last two hours.

My mom will be back in two days, but she's leaving "for good" in a couple of weeks. She doesn't want to leave, but she can't stay with me (and thousands of mild away from my dad) forever.

Why can't I be alone? I don't know why it triggers such intense uncontrollable emotions to be left alone with my daughter. I'm terrified. It's not like my mom and sister were constantly with me, half the time they were in another room for most of the day. It's just the not having the option, I guess? I've been trying to distract myself by doing stupid little things like window shopping for clothes for our photoshoot (as if we could afford to buy them... it's just that looking makes me think about something else and then I don't think about the scary stuff as much, if that makes any sense). Vi's picking up off my stress and being extremely fussy, which in turn makes me freak out more.

My husband can't be home more (we're barely scraping by with the hours he works now), I have no local friends, and my family can't stay longer than they have.

I don't have insurance and we have no savings, so I don't think I can go to a doctor. Besides, I don't think any meds they would put me on would be breastfeeding safe anyway?

What do I do? I feel like I'm drowning. I'm terrified of what is going to happen when my mom leaves again.