But I desperately want another child. I feel so trapped. My story is long but in short, I have severe diminished ovarian reserve (AMH 0.1, FSH in the 20s-30's), had a hard time conceiving my son, had a miscarriage/ D&C at 12w with #2, and my cycles have basically been destroyed since due to grief and the stress of TTC. After a 53 day cycle I finally conceded and tried a new RE (something I said I never would do again b/c in the past all the fertility interventions failed and they were debilitatingly stressful). I'm only 34 (with the eggs of a 44 year old) and I (and my RE) do believe I can get pregnant- maybe. It will just take a long time. And lots of appointments at the clinic, an hour away from my work. And lots of Clomid (I don't qualify for IVF).
And I don't want to go through this. It's damaging my marriage, and the stress of TTC is throwing off my cycles.
The physical and emotional stress is almost unbearable but I don't feel like I can "take a few months off"- this summer when I am off is the only time I can feasibly try an IUI. I am running out of time, that was made very clear to me by my doctor.
Essentially, I need to stop trying so hard but I can't.
If adoption were easier and not rife with even more stress than this, I would consider it.
I have always wanted two children and I feel my family is incomplete- (though I will say having one kid is really easy at this point!)
The thought of just being done and not going through this again makes me feel soo sooo happy and sooo free.
If you were me, and you had one perfectly healthy child, would you just quit trying, knowing you have months and possibly years of stressful TTC and medical interventions to have #2?
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Big hugs, this is such a hard and personal decision. I don’t know what to tell you to do but here was my process. Last year sucked for me because I lost a pregnancy at 11w and then didn’t get pregnant again for 8+ months. I knew both those things were possibilities because of prior losses and mild IF (and I’m 36), but that later loss really messed me up. We had agreed no RE this time although I did try clomid 1-2 cycles (no luck and made me crazy). So mostly it was just wait it out and it was taking its toll - emotionally, gained weight, wasn’t myself, made me feel distant from dh, etc. We already had 2 that had both been a process to conceive and this was trying for #3 which I really wanted when we started. But there came a point where I was just done and ready to move on. I was already focusing on life with two and what we could do with that, what it meant for me and work, I could envision it. And then because life is crazy on the last cycle we tried before quitting, I got pregnant again. Which then was another mind shift after being ready to move on!
So maybe one thought is how well you can envision the future with one. Are there enough positives for you? Or would the short term pain be worth it for the long term? Is there some amount that might be worth it?
I understand not wanting time off but maybe you could set a timeline ... ours was somewhat arbitrarily based on school cutoffs (how far apart they would be). At first I wasn’t sure I would want to quit but as we got closer I came to feel it was right. So maybe you try the summer but agree to an end date or at least re-evaluation date.
I know my situation isn’t the same but maybe those thoughts can help. I’m so sorry you have to be in this position. It is really taxing in a way no one understands. Big hugs
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@bhbee: Thank you so much for all your words- what you wrote was so helpful. You've always been supportive (I've posted a lot about what's going on when I need to vent). I have a therapist but even she doesn't know exactly my situation. No friends really get it. It's so isolating- it's just my husband who truly "gets" the situation and even then, he does not comprehend the loss and the struggle.
I think I know in my heart that short term pain will be worth it in the long run. Things are really stressful at work too and I feel like my body is just too stressed out to allow a baby to thrive. But when will that change? Probably when we "give up". .. so this is just a silly mental game. I think we decided we will try til December but the reality of the RE was worse than I remember. But I feel like I have to get interventions or I will literally never get my period...
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@pachamama: Hey, I understand really how hard this is. Really. We have one and are not going to try for another because it would mean IVF which may or may not work and definitely would be very costly, financially, emotionally, and physically. It was so hard on me the first time, just some of the most difficult days of my life thus far, that I would have had to feel overwhelmingly convinced (like I was the first time) that it was the right choice if I were to proceed with IVF again. And then, due to my age, we would have had to jump right into a fresh cycle when DS was 6-12 months and I didn’t want to wean and jump into interventions and all that just to try again. I knew/know we wouldn’t have an oops because we primarily deal with MFI, though combined with my age, it’s pretty impossible to conceive naturally or have a post-IF reset like you hear about so often. Once DS was born, I just wanted to focus on the healthy little one I had and that, in the end, made me okay with just accepting that we would be a family of three. While a part of me is saddened by that..that the boat has sailed and gets farther away with each passing day...I feel like I can accept it more as time passes and I focus on the positive aspects of what we DO have...which is a miracle in itself.
It sounds like you are still sorting out your feelings about all of this (IF is a complete one-person roller coaster! I get it!), but when you say the thought of being done and not going through this makes you feel happy and free, there is something to that, I think. I would say to go down the path that gives you the most peace today. You can always change your mind if you get to another part of the journey where you don’t feel that way. I know the ticking of the biological clock makes it feel like it’s now or never. And while that may truly be the case, the most important thing is for you to feel at peace and full of confidence about what you choose, no matter what it is. More to say, but acupuncture is probably the single most thing that helped me with all of the crazy feelings that comes up with this kind of thing. I’m so sorry it’s so hard. Big hugs.
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are so right in saying that most people simply can't understand what you are going through. We tried for 7 years and I had diminished ovarian reserve, too. Each month was a roller coaster that I couldn't step away from. I hated when people told me to just relax, I wanted to punch them! We tried the usual rounds of clomid, IUI and 1 1/2 rounds of IVF. They then suggested donor eggs, which I just couldn't get my head around. I had a miscarriage 5 years in the process from a natural pregnancy and it was devastating. Two years later, we were considering adoption when I got pregnant naturally at 34. We eventually had our 2nd when I was 38 and then I had another miscarriage a year or two after that. We decided that we didn't want to continue trying, it just hurt too much. I hope I don't offend you with these suggestions but I know you said you see a therapist - if you don't feel comfortable sharing all of it, maybe another one would be better? Maybe talk with a doctor about how you are feeling, the emotional and physical stress, maybe he/she can give you something to help?
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DH and I gave ourselves a deadline for #2. Basically, I didn’t want to be 38 when Baby was born and I didn’t want the age gap between the 2 to be so big. The life I wanted for a family of 4 included those parameters and the second-best option was our great little family of 3. If I wwre in your shoes, I’d decide what I wanted my family ideally to look like and give myself the grace to “give up” if that ideal wasn’t going to happen. And included in that ideal would be dealing with the stress of it all. Would that stress impact how you enjoy your family now and is it worth it? Or is the family of 3 enough?
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@pachamama: I totally get where you are coming from (about not wanting to try anymore)
and am so sorry you are going through this. Honestly, I'd do one or two IUIs this summer if you really want to and then stop. You conceived twice without an RE's help, so if you stop actively TTCing, there's still a chance it will happen for you without help and the stress is not worth it. We went through a lot of stress with repeated losses and ridiculously long cycles with J. It was so damaging to my mental health and my marriage that we agreed we would never actively TTC again. We ended up having a much easier time getting #2, but even if we didn't, I still can't imagine going through that stress of officially trying. Are you able to do Clomid without monitoring? That would save the drives and hopefully some of the stress.I also found that when we were trying I had zero desire and it made it miserable. When we weren't trying my desire was through the roof and it was a lot more fun. I also had much more regular cycles. My head definitely got in the way in our case.
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I'm having a lot of similar thoughts. I've been trying for #2 since Feb 2017. So far, I've had no trouble getting pregnant, but I've had 4 back-to-back losses including 1 ectopic.
The TTC is really stressful, the miscarriages suck physically and stress-wise.
And LO#1 is getting older and more and more independent. When we started TTC #2, it didn't feel like having a baby would be "starting over". Now, it absolutely does.
And the timing has gotten wretched with school/career too. If any of my first 3 pregnancies had worked out, the timing would have been good. I only have one cycle left of "crappy but manageable" before I have to either complete derail school/career or wait at least 8 months to try again. Given that the losses seem to be an AMA problem....aghhh.
So, solidarity.
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Do you think there are any ways that you could make the TTC less all-encompassing or find better coping strategies? I struggled with conceiving my second child and the things that really helped me cope were: (1) having a heart to heart with my husband; (2) acupuncture; and (3) meeting with an RE to have a plan in place once I was ready. With #1, I had become obsessed with TTC and it seemed like my husband didn't really care and didn't really appreciate what I felt were huge efforts on my part to further the cause of adding to our family. We had a long talk about how I felt our family was incomplete and how the feeling constantly ate away at me. He confessed that he thought our family of 3 was pretty great and while a second kid would add to that, our family wasn't at all incomplete. He promised to get more on board with my efforts and we talked about adoption and other options. After that, I felt more like a team with a common goal.
With #2, I found a fertility focused acupuncture practice that put me on a fairly strict diet. My acupuncturist really helped me cope. I needed someone to discuss the details of my temp rises, what I'd been eating, did I hit my fertile days, etc. She was part therapist and part friend and I really felt like seeing her weekly helped me deal with the stress better. It also helped that I saw tangible results with my DOR under her care so it helped me put my faith in the process (a longer luteal phase, less breaking out around my period, etc.). She coached me on supplements, gave me RE referrals, etc. Also, it sounds silly but she gave me permission to take a week off when I went on vacation and drink that extra glass of wine, skip the diet, not temp daily, etc. when I felt like all of it was making me crazy. I felt like I couldn't stop myself from obsessing but it helped having my "coach" tell me to sometimes.
With #3, I saw two docs and found one that was willing to work with me and my DOR levels without pushing IVF as the first step. We had a plan in place to do Clomid/IUI for a few cycles before moving on to IVF. While I ended up pregnant naturally with my second child while waiting to start an IUI cycle, I felt like having a plan endorsed by an RE whose opinion I respected as Plan B really helped.
Sending you good thoughts and vibes and always happy to listen if you ever need to vent.
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I was you. Well, not exactly but very similar. Long story short, I didn't want to give up on having #2 and everyone was supportive but it was so draining (physically, mentally and emotionally).... finally one of my friends asked me if I was happy... and I was. I have a great marriage, I had a beautiful DD and I was happy. Granted I wanted a second child but overall I was blessed and happy. I decided that day to stop all interventions and stop TTC.
It was so freeing and awesome.
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I'm so sorry. I haven't been in this situation and thus obviously don't know how it is, but it did take us nearly a year to TTC our first, with losses in the process. I will echo @Shantuck: and say that acupuncture really helped me. I was lucky to have a group place ten minutes from my house that made it logistically and financially feasible. I'm not sure whether or not it ultimately helped with fertility, but it did help my mental health.
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If the thought of being done makes you feel happy and free, then you should be done! Don't make yourself miserable. The other thing I would think about is how is TTC affecting your first child? If you're cranky and stressed and miserable all the time, is that at his expense? I don't think giving him a sibling should be more important than giving him a mama who is happy and relaxed and at peace!
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I have one beautiful healthy child who was conceived easily. We started trying for #2 and I had an ectopic and then two miscarriages. It has now been over a year since I've been pregnant despite rounds of Clomid, Femara, injectables and IUI. I have unexplained infertility so there is no reason I can't get pregnant now (that I know of) but it still hasn't happened.
Up until recently I avoided being around a lot of people because I was so afraid of being asked when we were having more kids. I was depressed, angry, confused and missing out on precious time with my daughter and husband. My marriage suffered and I felt guilty for being so consumed with TTC that it seemed like my daughter was on the back burner. Basically my life was on hold.
And then I decided that I didn't want to live like that anymore. Yes, there is a possibility that I could get pregnant but what if I had another miscarriage? Or the baby had health problems? I realized that sometimes nature just says that enough is enough. We stopped trying and my husband is scheduled to get a vasectomy next month. I feel happy, free and like myself after almost two years of being obsessed with TTC. I can feel at peace knowing that we gave it our best shot and that it just wasn't meant to be. I think it would be different if we didn't already have one perfect child, but we do and that is what I focus on.
I too sometimes get waves of feeling "incomplete" but to some extent I think no matter what I would feel that way. But then I look at my great husband, amazing daughter, beautiful home, awesome job, supportive family... (the list can go on and on) and I think why would I not be happy with this? I am SO blessed and can't give up anymore time with the things I already have to dwell on something I don't.
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@Pollywog: I'm not sure sex could ever, EVER be fun again but maybe someday. I have clomid in my hand, supposed to start tonight but idk if I even want to do it. Just seems like its not going to work.
@JMOM: I share everything with my therapist but I guess my expectation was she was going to really help me solve these problems and she's no miracle worker. In my experience I found actual doctors are only concerned with the scientific and really have been the opposite of helpful in my emotional struggles. -
@Truth Bombs: @mrskansas: (I read all you wrote) I really do not feel like my family is complete and I would never forgive myself for giving up at age 34 so I think I am gonna try at least a few months more. I asked my husband if he thinks I'm negatively affecting my son and he says I "hide it really well"
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@Shantuck: my husband is heaven sent and is my voice of reason so this is more tolerable with him. That's amazing you had such a great acupuncturist. I go to one who is literally works for the fertility clinic and I'm not overly impressed. I work full-time and also see a therapist and have Clinic appointments so I'm finding it hard to go to acupuncture and be away from my son even more. Excuses but my son is so freaking fun these days and I hate being away from him! I was also so glad my new re does not push IVF. We're basically just trying Clomid (have it in my hand but wavering on whether to take it...) then this summer maybe an IUI.
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@lilyofthewest: about the timing... I'm such a planner and type a AND a teacher which is just about literally the worst thing you can be if you're trying to get pregnant. So my school is under construction I've been desperately trying to avoid it by getting pregnant/ taking leave, but that of course makes me not able to get pregnant and I have suffered through some ridiculous shit at school this year.
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