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We'll be homeschooling, so the bonus of having multiples is that it's easier to combine subjects than when there's a year+ age gap.
However, I know a lady with eight children who has a set of twins. She says the twins were by far the hardest, even though they were only her third/fourth. I believe her and don't particularly want to experience those early newborn days with two babies up around the clock.
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I really am astounded by how many people, even in my daily life, say they are jealous I'm having twins. With a 16 month old, I am stressed to the core about adding our twins to the mix very soon. I know we'll figure it out and I love being a mom but I would honestly have preferred to add one at a time, for many reasons.
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@snickers: wow, so that is a law in NZ?! That is absolutely amazing, wish we had something like that in the US!
Before we had LO, DH would joke that he wanted twins (i was and will always be team singleton). But now being in the trenches with newborn, we just CAN'T imagine having twins!!
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@78h2o: i started the day they came home from the hospital and did a lot of overnights as well, i can't imagine never getting to go home (then again if i was living it 24/7 because they were mine, i'd hope that someone else would be getting up with them too so i guess it wouldn't be as bad as the nights i spent on my own)! things did improve significantly once they were on a schedule & sleeping for stretches (and learning to smile, when they could smile it really did help!). in some ways i agree, there are things you'd be doing anyway so it's really not double the work, but then other things are more than double. when they were super tiny, grocery shopping & running errands was so hard! someone had to come with me to gymboree because it was the rule at all their classes that each baby have their own adult, dr appts were soooo much easier if someone came with me. not that it was all bad, some of it was really great, and it was all okay because most nights i got to sleep. it's just i'm older now, i'm tired, i need more sleep, i am a terrible housekeeper and i can't imagine trying to do all of it while having the parenting experience i'm looking for. for me to get through parenting twins would require more structure than i'm interesting in & the expense would be crushing to me- daycare here is ~$300-500/wk for each infant (i've heard other areas include things in daycare prices like food & diapers, that's just care) and finding somewhere with two infant slots is hard. i never wanted to use daycare but asking my parents to help out with two babies would be too much to ask & i certainly wouldn't be able to take them to work with me (i could with one, right now at least, when i finish school & change careers i wouldn't be able to). in my situation, i would just be finding ways to make things work, it would just be about surviving it (though most twin parents i know have little recall of the first six months, it was a whirlwind & they just survived), i'm not in a place where i could stay home with them & have help with them & the home, my answer might be different if that were the case. i guess that was all to say, i'm just not up for the challenge.
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Umm... Just one, please!
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I have problems making it to term with 1 baby! No way my body could handle multiples.
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I wanted to expand on my earlier comment because some interesting have been said. Having twins, I often hear "having twins must be so cool!" And there are a lot of "cool" things about twins - matching clothes and seeing them play with each other, etc. But of course there are so many hard things too. The logistics are hard (getting out and about, twice the diapers, etc.) and the sleep deprivation is killer (imagine getting up 4-7 times per night with a bad sleeper, then double that). But the logistics are adjusted to and overcome the same way a new mom to one adjusts. You just do it because it's your new reality.
The thing that's hard (is still hard at 8 months and I imagine will be for a long time - maybe forever) is splitting your time and energy between two babies. You sometimes (often times) have to leave one to cry while you tend to the other. Some days/weeks you pay more attention to one baby than the other. Maybe you have a needier twin that always gets more attention. The twin mom guilt is rough! Did I hold Blake enough today? Did Alice get as many songs/books/kisses as her brother? If one gets put to bed by DH while I nurse the other, will they somehow resent me for it? Your whole life is split between these two babies and sometimes you forget to cherish them because you are so busy caring for their basic needs. At least if you have two kids close in age they are still at least nine months apart and you can always explain that mommy needs to help the new baby now. A two week old doesn't understand that she has a brother that needs cared for too, you know? Having twins is the best thing I've ever done in my whole life, but as a twin mom I also feel like it's sort of my duty to tell people that having twins isn't all "OMG so cute!" It's really really effing hard in ways most people can't imagine.
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@twodoghouse: i hope i didn't say anything that sounded too negative about twins! your LOs are so precious and you seem to handle it all so well, you've had the biggest smile in every picture i've seen you in and your kiddos look like such happy little ones! i am in awe of you and all the twin mamas
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@mrs. bird: Oh gosh no - don't worry! Your comments actually rang the most true to me and I wanted to chime in to support that. Being a twin mom is not for everyone. Thanks for the sweet comments.
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No no no. I definitely would prefer to only have one at a time. I can't even imagine...
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Definitely just one at a time. After spending significant time in the NICU and seeing so many of the babies there were a multiple, the thoughts of having multiples terrifies me.
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Yeah... I only have the patience for one at a time.
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As a twin mama, I don't wish them on anybody, and I don't think wishing for them recognizes the reality...I love my twins and they have their joys, to be sure, but if I had a choice, they are just way too hard. They are the reason I will never try for another baby, because I'm too afraid of having twins again. The pregnancy is awful, the newborn days are so difficult my brain has blocked it out. Seriously. I don't remember the first six months and I certainly didn't enjoy the first year. I never really enjoyed my babies. That is hard to say, but it's true. I see my friends posting about how they just love snuggling with their newborns and like @twodoghouse: said, with twins basically one is always crying or wanting your attention when you're trying to care for the other one, so that was just not my experience.
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@Meridian: Not a law, just something the government offers parents to help them out.
Im guessing a lot of people don't realize they are entitled to it so don't apply and miss out.If you have twins (or other multiples) first and then go on to have more children you don't get it, only if you have a child first and then get multiples next.
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I would choose a singleton.
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Just one baby please! MIL is a twin and when we were TTC DH was hoping for twins, now that DS is here he has a different outlook
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@mrs. bird: I definitely hear what you are saying and agree that it would be really hard/less than ideal, in a lot of situations. I am sure my desire for twins reflects the fact that I have only had experience with older infant/toddler twins that were relatively easy going. Also, I did not care for them full time. I loved the newborn phase with my own daughter. I do pretty well with sleep deprivation. I'd probably feel differently if I'd had a really challenging newborn or had cared for more challenging twins (or cared for them full time). I am sure twins would be a hell of a lot of work, but I still would have liked them. I think in part because that way I would have been able to sneak in another baby before getting even older.
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All of you who wish for twins are crazy! They're a ton of fun but damn are they a lot of work.
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I used to *kinda* want twins, but after having my LO, no way! I can't imagine doing everything 2X and hardly ever having any kind of a break. Plus, I've had two different fb friends in the past 6 months that have given birth to twins very, very early (like 3+ months premature) and that definitely scares me. I'm way too nervous and paranoid during pregnancy for all that. One at a time, definitely.
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The only reason I'd want twins next time would be because I would unintentionally get the number of kids I want (1 more than DH does
)
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Oh goodness, you ladies are BONKERS. I have twins, and while they are wonderful and so so sweet - it is BRUTAL. Also, twins put you at much higher risk of pre-term birth. It's no joke. I had mine at 26 weeks, they spent 3.5 months in the NICU. The newborn period has lasted six months for us, not to mention being afraid that my decision to put in two embryos (via IVF) put my babies at risk for death and disability, because of pre-term birth.
I would never recommend purposefully doing a twin birth. It sounds all fun and games, but it's tough. And I echo what @twodoghouse said… the biggest thing is that I can definitely care for my twins' physical needs - what's difficult is not being able to hold and love on them the way I could have if they'd been born one at a time. Your time is tilted towards caring for their physical needs first, and you just have to do your best to meet their emotional needs.
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Definitely only one. I would probably have a nervous breakdown if I were having twins.
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I would have chosen twins, because my husband wanted to be one and done, which we are.
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I used to want twins.... But after seeing how $$ and time-exhausting my DD is I definitely want one at a time.
I'm in total awe of twin moms!!
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@twodoghouse: @ShayNanigans: ok, so now I'm afraid about transferring two at my transfer in two weeks. If you could go back in time, would you have only transfered 1? I know why most IVfer transfered 2 because there is a risk of one or both not surviving and transferring 2 gives us the higher chance of getting at least one child. Do you have any advice for people going through IVF due to IF? I think a lot of the responses calling people crazy haven't gone through Infertility so I would love to hear your point of view.
eTA: Also, I'll reiterate that the risks of complication with multiples was discussed and written over all the documents that my DH and I signed. We (pre-transfre) know the risks. The reality of it?... Guess we'll find out in 4 weeks if we are blessed with a singleton or more. And if I have twins, I'll have to go on all the strength that I've used these 3 years TTC and put that strength to being a twin mommy. That's how I'm thinking about it. It is probably naive but that's what getting me to be open to whatever happens in my IVF journey.
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@bluestriped bee: Everyone has to choose for themselves, but if I had any advice… It took us a year and a half to get and stay pregnant, which isn't as long as some people TTC, but it was a very difficult time. Infertility definitely creates an emotional roller coaster.
I can only speak for myself, but I think it's important to think about the 'why' behind transferring two. For myself… my husband and I had agreed upon transferring one (even though privately I wanted twins.) The doctor came in literally 5 minutes before transfer and advised that we transfer two because A) we had two good embryos, and two that may or may not make it to freeze B) my age C) insurance would only pay for one transfer; if this didn't work, we were on our own $$-wise (and you know how expensive out-of-pocket IVF is.)
It only took five minutes for the doctor to convince us to transfer two, for the reasons you stated (what if we do one, and that one doesn't make it? what if it doesn't work at all?) Bottom line, we decided to transfer two out of fear, which is a terrible reason! Research says transferring two only slightly increases your chances of a live birth; it significantly increases your chances of multiples.
Knowing what I know now, I would have preferred that our two babies came one at a time, not because I don't love every minute I spend with them - but because I went into pre-term labor and put their lives at risk. We were very, very, very lucky that they are alive, and even appear to be 100% healthy. I saw several other micro-preemies in the NICU that were not so lucky. It is heart wrenching.
Obviously, I am a HUGE advocate for SET, but in the end, this is your decision - and lots of twin mamas carry to term!!! Because almost-worst case scenario happened to me, I could never recommend that someone transfer two without reservation. It's a way more serious decision than I realized, back when I was facing transfer.
My heart goes out to you - infertility is The Worst. And it's so hard to keep your head on straight during the whole thing. I hope your transfer goes great, no matter what you decide to do, and that in @10 months, you've got a happy ending to your story!!!
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I definitely would not have chosen for twins, it wasn't even a thought in my mind! But, I cannot imagine having two kids any other way now.
While there are certainly things different about raising twins versus one baby at a time, there are also some uniquely awesome things about being a twin mama. I always try to remind myself of how lucky DH and I are to witness and be a part of shaping this uniquely special bond my sons share as identical twins.
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@ShayNanigans: oh, no, I'm so sorry that you were set on transferring 1 and 5 minutes before the transfer your doctor popped the idea of transferring 2. You bring up some good points on thinking about why we want to transfer two. I'm going to talk to the DH about it and really think about it.
ETA:Oh, our insurance didn't cover any IF treatments so we've been all out of pocket. -
@bluestriped bee: I'm sorry that my comments have given you doubts about your transfer. I'm going to wall you more of my thoughts, but I would still transfer two if we were doing it again. This is coming from the perspective of someone who had a mostly uncomplicated, full term pregnancy. I'm sure if I went through what @ShayNanigans: went through, I would feel differently. You just never know how your body will handle a twins pregnancy and my MFM also considered IVF pregnancies an extra high risk factor too. I think it's great that you know all the risks. Only you and DH can decide what's best for you.
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While twins would be exciting, I would prefer to have just one baby. Having two babies would be so much work, and childcare for twins would be so expensive.
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Just one, but DH was hoping for twins!
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@bluestriped bee: as a fellow IVF-er who paid for everything out of pocket, I totaly understand why you would want to transfer two. My clinic is a huge proponent of SET and based on my individual circumstances (under 35, no previous IVF failure, PCOS diagnosis and several frozen embryos to spare) they would only transfer one. I was so nervous - it seemed like such a huge gamble to place all your money, hopes, etc....on one embryo. That said, if you look at the most recent ART data, transferring 2 embryos doesn't significantly increase the chance of a singleton pregnancy for most women, it just increases the likelihood of multiples. And at the end of the day, singleton pregnancies are healthier for the baby and mother. We spent a week in the NICU after LO was born (for reasons unrelated to IVF) and most of the babies that were there were twins that were born too early and/or too small. Obviously I lucked out because my first fresh cycle was successful - but we're gearing up for an FET cycle and we'll still continue to only transfer one. I hope that wasn't preachy - I'm sure you guys will make the best choice for your family, I just wouldn't write off a SET so quickly.
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@Madison43: thank you for your response! I was starting to think I was crazy for transferring two and excited about twins. Thank you for your point of view from and IF & IVF point of view. It really helps.
Oh, I'm sorry your clinic said they wanted to only transfer 1. I'm also under 35, PCOS & DOR and no history of failed IVF and have 7 frosties and I was asked if I wanted to transfer 1 or 2.
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single for sure, I watch my cousin with her twins that are 5 months older than my DD and I get worn out just thinking of it! They are always in opposite directions.
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I would LOVE to have twins. But I think the reality of it would keep me from choosing it. If it was a surprise, great! But I don't think I could knowingly choose it if that makes sense. Lol
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I might have a different response than most twin moms but my answer has changed over time. When my kids were under two I know I looked at people who said they wanted twins like they had snakes coming out of the head or something. I couldn't fathom why anyone would wish for the unending exhaustion. In fact when I was pregnant with my daughter I begged to have an early ultra sound just to make sure it was only one because 5 under 3 I just couldn't fathom the idea (not that 4 under 3 was all that less crazy but still.)
Having infant multiples is no joke. They are so hard but now that my three boys are in kindergarten I have realized that those early months and years that are so, so trying are absolutely worth it. I LOVE being a Mother of multiples. I LOVE dropping my three boys off and watching them run off onto the playground together. I LOVE seeing them grow together and develop their relationship as brothers. There is nothing like it.
Now there are still some difficulties. At school events I have three classrooms to split my time between. Plus my daughter is at a different school right now so I have two schools to juggle. At teacher gift giving events I have 8 teachers (each kid has two) to purchase gifts for. This Christmas each teacher got a 5$ starbucks card and I felt a little guilty when I saw other kids bringing in giant gift baskets. But James' teacher came up to me and said "James was so cute he handed me my gift card and said here my mom says its for coffee because teachers all love and need coffee and when we give gifts its good to give things that people will love." She said it was just the best. So I didn't feel as guilty about our small gift.
Twins are a ton of money a ton of work they are exhausting. You can feel like you are being pulled in more directions than you can count (how can two people make you feel like they need 10 things at once....I haven't figured it out yet) But I would do it all again in a heart beat. If I could give every mom who has infant and toddler twins a big hug and just tell them not only will you survive this you will learn to thrive I would. Twins are awesome!
@bluestriped bee: IF did changed my thoughts on multiples. I remember just wishing so hard for one that if someone told me I could possibly have two I would have jumped for joy.
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@bluestriped bee: I would transfer two again in a heart beat. Yeah, it's brutal- hardest thing I've EVER done is the newborn phase with two. However, seeing them now makes every single little bit worth it. I actually disagree with @ShayNanigans: , I think fear is a perfectly legitimate reason to transfer two, because (to me, anyway), the risk of having twins was far worse than the risk of having no babies.
Granted, what I'm saying should be taken with a grain of salt. I carried my twins to term, had no complications, no NICU time, etc. Other people have not been so lucky. I say, do what feels right to you. Your journey has been so hard, you need to do what is right for you and your family.
ETA: ditto what @Mrs. Train: said.
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@bluestriped bee: I didn't do ivf, but I do have twins. The first 6 months were exhausting! I had a mostly uneventful pregnancy until 33w when my blood pressure spiked and I had pre eclampsia. They spent a month in the NICU, but they were there mostly to gain weight and learn to eat properly.
They are amazing and like @Mrs. Train: I wouldn't go back and change anything. I love watching them play together and help each other. They're 2 years and 2 months now.
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One at a time. I can barely handle the one at that.
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@littleblessings: I'm the same!! I have 2 girls, and we're only having 1 more (DH's limit) but I want 4
I want twins SO badly. L started off as a twin but I lost the other baby before 8 weeks
I don't like the baby stage much to begin with, so I really don't think I'd be too torn up about having to stretch my time between two babies.
Im guessing a lot of people don't realize they are entitled to it so don't apply and miss out.
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