Just as the title says.
We had a very strong relationship before our son was born. He put us through the ringer! But 14 months PP we are in such a good place and feel like "us" again. I'm so afraid that a 2nd baby will undo that. But at the same time, I think what was so hard for us was the shock of how difficult a newborn was and the changes to our lifestyle. Now we are better prepared and know what to expect. And our life is already changed and we love it now 
Any experience?
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LO2 is 5 months and it is hard for us. Adding LO2 to the family was much easier on me than on DH. I was already dealing with LO all the time (when I wasn't at work). DH is a great Dad but it wasn't until after LO2 arrived that we both realized how little he did for LO1. I've had a hard time demonstrating patience as he learns to deal with the constant unrelenting needs of a child.
We are implementing things I learned from the first child which makes things not so bad. DH needs physical contact or he becomes unbearable. He needs breaks that I consider excessive in duration and frequency. I am in charge of fulfilling my needs and when I need something involving him I need to communicate it clearly.
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Well, you know DS was REALLY hard on us just because he was such a difficult infant, but DH was the one who was like "Let's just keep the pain train going...if we wait until he's like 4, we're going to be too old and REALLY traumatized by a newborn! Let's use all the baby stuff again while we have it and commit to being a hot mess for for the next 3-4 years and just be done!" Especially because pregnancy is so hard on my body. We've just decided to spend whatever, make career adjustments, hire whoever, limit travel, and just get through until everyone is preschool age. The benefit of having 2 so close apart I guess!
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@gingerbebe: lol I love that attitude. I think that is sort of how I feel too. But DH actually cares more than I do about things being crazy.
Following because I"m curious too. LO was ROUGH on our marriage and I do want a second (DH does not as of now, so it may be a moot point) but worry what that will do to us. Again.
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@Mae: I think there's a sort of invincibility attitude around it. Like, DS almost broke me and we were a disaster as a family until we threw out all the so-called "best practices," figured out what worked for us, and now we're doing awesome. So I think DH is like, we had the baby from hell, we got through it, and even if we have another baby from hell, we know how to handle it. And hopefully LO2 is much easier than their brother!
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@gingerbebe: lol that makes sense! I think my attitude is a bit more "meh." Like sometimes having a baby/toddler sucks. I know its worth it so I can just sort of float through it. Whereas DH gets a bit more bogged down in the fact that we can't fix the fact that some days suck.
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Honestly, #2 was fine on our marriage...#1 rocked the boat big time!
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We had more help and only one baby the first time, plus I relied on DH a lot with ppd/PPA, so it didn't feel bad the first time. This time we are both still home for awhile longer and honestly I am having a hard time not keeping tally of sleep hours and what not. Plus we are busy all day long and it feels like we are constantly putting out fires so to speak. Even when the kids aren't that difficult we are so busy just getting through the day and night. But it's not like we are fighting or anything just I guess I do feel a little distant at the moment. Lo2 is 7 weeks old.
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Following. i'm scared.
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#2 has been hard on our marriage. In some respects, we're in a really good groove and we work well together. We ironed out most of the kinks on taking care of kids and adding a second hasn't been that much harder. But it's definitely been taking a toll on us. We're both emotionally and physically more drained from dealing with two kids that we don't have a lot left for each other, and you can definitely feel it. When it comes to dealing with the kids, we're great partners and work well together, but then at the end of the day when they are both in bed, we both can tell that our relationship is rocky. We're both too tired to do anything about it and we can both feel that it's hurting our marriage.
Probably not what you wanted to hear...
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@Mae: Re: your last comment, DH and I are the opposite of you and your DH. He can see the light at the end of the tunnel and is like "parts will suck but we'll get through it". But I'm like "I don't want any sucky parts again, thanks."
It feels like things are so much easier now at 14 months vs the first, say, 8 months? So I have a hard time understanding why we'd want to go back to hard times again.
In theory I like the idea of a 2nd. But in reality I'm terrified and not sure I can pull the trigger.
I'm afraid of what it will do to me mentally, to my relationship, etc.@gingerbebe: We are the same as you guys in terms of doing whatever it takes to make the 2nd time easier. Last time we (I) refused any help for the first 3 weeks. Finally I broke and we got a night nurse a few nights a week so that I could get some good rest. And we kept her for 3 months! The second time around we will definitely have her booked months in advance and for at least 2 months. It's just what we realize we need to keep our sanity. I am so sleep sensitive, deprivation was like torture for me. It took me to a dark place. And having childcare almost every night meant we could go on dates every night if we wanted to. We still had a very rocky first year but that helped immensely.
@Corduroy: @winniebee: @2littlepumpkins: @Adira: Thanks for your input! It really does help to hear about any experience.
@winniebee: That is comforting! The first was SO. HARD. We didn't even recognize ourselves. We still are healing from some wounds, but we are WORLDS apart from what we were even a few months ago. I guess it's just gotten a lot more fun and we are in a great groove. So to mix it up again is so scary. But to hear it was hard for you guys and the 2nd was fine is comforting.
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#2 has been much better.
Rather than pointing the finger at each other and figuring out who's turn it was to take care of baby; with two we have to just be a team.
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One rocked the boat because he didn't sleep, we had a huge lifestyle change and we just weren't connecting like we used too. 2 leveled the playing field there is always something to be done so we might as well just do it. No waiting on the other person to do it, she has been an easier baby and it's been great. We are so tired but we've gotten used to that.
I always said I wanted Irish twins because I refused to have gotten through diapers and baby toys and then get back into it. Mine are 20 months apart and truthfully if we hadn't had a "surprise" before my son was 18 months old its very likely we would've given up trying. We were getting used to our life with just one and it was easy and we didn't know if we wanted to go backwards though we were ntnp so luckily for us fate made the decision.
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#1 was really tough on our marriage, mostly because it was really tough on me. I was worried adding #2 would be equally bad, but it was really easy. And neither situation was affected by temperament of the babies -- it was just that #1 was a big life change and #2 just was adding a little more work/a few changes.
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@Adira: hope things get better!
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@Corduroy: What you wrote really, really resonates with me. It sounds like you're describing my DH exactly. Exactly. We only have one right now - he's 8mo - and we're discussing having a second. I eventually want to have a second - and I'm willing to put in the work - but what's holding me back is DH's casual attitude about how hard it'll be on both of us. Just like you said, I think he doesn't realize how little he does for DS. Looking back, do you think there was a way you could've prepared him?
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@ineebee: I'm not sure how we would have prepared better. He was fully capable of caring for LO1 and did a lot for her. Before LO2 arrived we openly discussed how #2 is often harder on the dad. I sent him links to a HB blog post about it. He seemed receptive and seemed to understand. I guess it's similar to reading books about becoming a first time mom. Reading is one thing but reality is another. I think it may have frustrated me more that we had talked about his new role and he wasn't living up to my expectations.
Things really aren't dire it's just a rough adjustment period. Things are a lot better now at 5 months than they were at 3 months. I'm sure they'll continue to get better. I don't regret LO2 at all.
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I don't know if it was more his job or dd, but our first year was definitely tough.
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I think we are in a better place with two than we were with just one. One was a big change in our lives and we've certainly had our moments. It's funny because we can each take a kid and get whatever done. They keep each other occupied for a few minutes and I actually get to talk to him. We are more of a team in an "us vs. the kids" mentality, I guess.
With #1 my husband didn't feel as needed since most of my focus was on the baby, but with #2 there was always someone that needed something, so he always had something to help out with. He's great about just taking one or both boys out to the park, I can get work done, take a nap, or a quiet shower.
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Following. We are considering LO#2, but we've had a ROUGH past week with LO#1 (still going on). I don't know how we'd survive with 2!
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1 was hard on us...2 was fine and 3 was really, really hard on our marriage. I'm not sure if I was just hard to get along with after having my third? Maybe related to hormones? But we had a few months immediately after my third was born, where the arguing never stopped. It was a sad time but we worked through it and we're stronger than ever.
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@Smurfette: Thanks! I know it will.
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