Hellobee Boards

I think its more that you are attached to people who are actually helping you, rather than creating more work for you. I'm sure if your family was as helpful and beneficial to you and your kids, you would gladly deal with the hassle of boundaries and visits and what not.

@Mrs. Sketchbook: Yeah, I don't think how close by your family has anything to do with it really. They can be just as annoying and stressful. I don't think the issue with meaningful paid help is so much commentary on us as a society, but rather that we live in a country where services are more readily available than in other places - either because we have government intervention for things like EI, or because we are a wealthier nation with a larger service-based economy so there is more access to this kind of help. Wealthier people of yore had just as many service providers - wet nurses, nannies, housekeepers, chefs, maids that I'm sure they liked and relied on more than their own kin.

If anything, I actually think modern American society pushes the importance and meaning of relationships (particularly family ones) so much that we feel pressured to have these awesome relationships with people and that if we don't, we can fix them through sheer will and therapy and what not. (Insert eyeroll here). I think healthy family relationships are important and wonderful, but sometimes the healthiest thing is for me is to BE somewhat disconnected from some people.

The tribal village of yore probably did provide a lot of help and security, but it also probably had a lot of dysfunction, tension, and abuse.

@gingerbebe: @Mrs. Sketchbook: Could not agree more.

@Mrs. Sketchbook: In some ways I am closer to my childcare provider then with my mom. My mom doesn't put forth any effort with my son. She is pretty disrespectful of boundaries and overall self-absorbed. My relationship is distant. My provider has started becoming like extended family. I think part of this is because her only grandson is the same age as my DS. She goes more above and beyond for my family then she does for other families there. We do not do family events together, but DS has done sleepovers with her grandson at her house, she watched him for a couple nights when we were on vacation (all unpaid), and she just other extras. I think the relationship is easier because my expectations of my provider are different then family.

@Truth Bombs: It is definitely not universally true that you get what you give with family members.

@Mrs. Sketchbook: Ah, I thought you were comparing to relationships with your family and you were saying those relationships were inherently servile.

@Mrs. Sketchbook: I think its just a different dynamic. Family wont always respect boundaries since most grandparents cant seem to help spoiling the grandkids. Whereas a paid care provider sees this as a job and will "follow instructions"
I know my parents would never keep to DDs nap schedule. they just would let her skip her nap and then she would have a meltdown later. Having said that the relationship that DD and DS will build with family is priceless despite the lack of boundaries.

With my parents, I feel like there is always an agenda. They really want to feel needed, and they try to push their opinions on me. It drives me crazy because it feels really personal, unsupportive, and unnecessary. My mother can't handle it when I say, "No thank you." She just keeps bugging me and can't move on. With a professional, there is none of that baggage. It makes everything easier.

Also, a professional typically has no sense of entitlement about their role. If you have interviewed properly, you've probably found someone who is roughly on the same page already. Plus you have both done some legwork to manage expectations up front in the relationship. They don't care as much about experiencing "firsts"; they are probably sensitive to not wanting to upstage mom. And you are paying them to follow your directions/instructions so unless it's a really screwy dynamic (or you are a particularly control freakish parent!) they are unlikely to roll their eyes at you or your rules.

Finally, professionals are expected to keep up to date with childrearing conventions and medical practices. They are less likely to take it personally if you make different choices than they did.

So of course it's an easier relationship!